Support thread for the recently ditched No.13

[Teaandcakeplease]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

This thread is for anyone who has recently been dumped ditched. A safe place to share your woes and to support, advise and give virtual ((hugs)) to fellow dumplings each other, as we walk this journey as one, to find the new us: fabulous, strong and full of serenity.

Stay a while and tell your story and when you are ready we are sure you will make the move to being a Dumpling no more!

Happy Mothers day. How are you all finding today? Last year I found this particular day very very hard.

Hope everyone is having an ok day.Tea i am having a good day but with my 2 elder dc being able to help out and spoil me,brekie in bed,made a cake ,it helps.
H came up today and we had a really good talk as i have been gradually detaching from him and realising how selfish he is trying to keep me on as a backup girlfriend.I told him i cant be friends with him that he is messing with my head,he tried to put me off pushing the matter but i stayed firm i have told him he has to collect the dc on sundays take them out and i will collect them from him later,i told him not to text or call me unless it related to dc,it took 3 months to have any real detachment from him but i have dome it and felt a bit sad but mainly positive.

Doing OKish.

Been to a mothiering Sunday church service and sobbed most of the way hrough...wasn't a pretty sight. It isn't the fact that it is mothers day that got to me per se. It was that the readings had stuff in like "forgive those that have caused pain" and it just set me off :(

Then in the prayers for our mothers there was stuff about those that don't have a mother, who's mothers are sick, who have lost children etc. Al haert wrenching stuff...then it came "and bless those single mothers" and it set me off again :(

DTD2 had a major tantrum and didn't want to go to church cos it is boring. I had to practically drag her down the street. Then this afternoon DTD1 had an even worse tantrum cos she couldn'tfind a pair of boots she liked and fitted and didn't have an unsuitable heel on and apparently that was all my fault

XP had DD3 whilst we were at church, then DTDs asked him to keep her whilst we went boot shopping which was fair point. Then she came back. I was exhausted and could quite easily have had a nap....and a little bit of me thought there could be some benefits to weekends with DDs, but I didn't cave an ask him to take them all so I could sleep. I really need to start going to bed before midnight. But I am off tomorrow so I think an afternoo n nap will be in order whilst DDs are at school. Might put me back on teh right track.

And this REALLY makes me dread DD3s birthday party in 2 weeks, and actual birthday in 3 :(

I am actually thinking about not going to her party because I will just be sitting sobbing whether XP is there or not. It is his weekend to have her anyway....

well done on going to church haunted,i have not been back since h left as know i wouldnt be able to cope with my emotions and people being nice etc.

HLL let him do the party at least - will show him how much you usually do and be less stress. You are worn out. Have you thought of not taking both older DDs to church if they don't want to for the moment. Turned my DCs off organised religion ever since I made them go with me.
DS made breakfast in bed. No flowers! Then saw NM. Looked away when went past church & everyone was coming out with daffodils. Still closer to NM than anyone else apart from DS3. Talked about everything in our lives & past except for "us". He was moving a mate's stuff - told him how hard it was to move stuff about without him & DS1. Little did I know. Came back & pipe in attic (DS's bedroom) had leaked all over landing & bedroom ceiling & his floor & water marks everywhere & carpet sodden. Had seen little leak earlier in the week but DS put towel under it & his room was such a mess we couldn't get under eaves & didn't want to call plumber. Am rubbish mom, could have mended pipe if had just gone ahead & done it & can't even get them to tidy bedrooms week after week after week. Hundreds of pounds of decorating damage.
We all know DCs love us but we ain't as good as we used to be.

I am not actually a church goer, so won't be needing to drag DTD2 along again in teh near future. It was because it was a mothers day service which we went to as part of a community group.

DDs party is a softplay turn up with a cake and that's about it affair, so nothing to "do" other than turn up really. I'm just not sure I will cope with the whole "this should be a family event and it is not" emotions.

I guess if it was me, I'd see how I feel the day before rather than paint myself into a corner saying you will or won't be going. Make sure he's up to running the whole shebang (appreciate that as this your DD3 it is small beer partywise). I was sorta thinking older. Got H to be there for DD's 14th soon after he left. Took her there and then left as agreed. Heh heh still two years on. Then on the day before, I'd ask DD3 if she'd mind if you go and do whatever so she can have special time with dad @ party. It's so unfair on you to have to pretend to be happy families and for her it's the party and her friends not you and her dad. Softplay parties are usually really well organised anyway so you're right, it's just about the hypocritical emotions & stress for you. Sometimes they insist on a minimum of one adult per 6-10 kids though depending on age.

yes there is a minimum adult ratio....but he'll have to sort that if it comes to it....as long as it is not OW....

she will only be 5. I feel shit about even thinking about not being there but I am thinking that it will be better for me not to be there than sat in teh corner sobbing. DTDs are already disturbed by my constant sobbing...even though I am a lot more in control than I have been.

Oh and you are not a shit mum just because of a burst pipe...I have a leaking gutter to deal with that I asked XP to sort a couple of months back...I know it hasn't caused damage in teh same way but I am kicking myself for not makeing him do it cos now I have to sort it out myself...

Thinking of DD's 14th with pride (one of the three or four occasions when I haven't been a total doormat) reminded me of when we moved house. Had 3 DCs under 5, 1 who'd just started crawling and lived on a London red route. Did the whole 2 day move without H who had arranged a corporate do @ cricket that day. I had this nightmare (just stopping DS3 from crawling through open door hard enough) while H sat in a box @ the cricket eating sandwiches and drinking champagne. The point being - the cricket ended early the day before! No corporate people turned up obviously - he just phoned his best mate to come over & the 2 of them sat there by themselves chatting while I did the move & rode with the kids in the removal van etc. These things like church today are hell now but in years to come you will be able to look back with pride in yourself & even laughter, however hard it is to believe.

She's 5 - if she feels panicky about you're not being there she WILL tell you. That's the only reason why you should feel you should be there and if she feels like that it quite possibly is nothing to do with you & H but is because of stress about one particular child who is going to be there or something & if so you sobbing is a lot better than you not being there. If you are being forced by convention to be there she'll pick up on your stress. Suggest that it should be special daddy time at the party now so she expects it. Surely out of 3 DDs there must have been one or two parties where either you or your H couldn't be there and it was fine. You can't help crying. It's hard on them but it would be a lot harder if you were hiding yourself away.

Hmmm....what to do now....tackle my huge pile of paperwork or head to bed

just had a huge row on the phone with H about when he gets to see DD. I texted him this am asking can he have DD next Monday and the Monday after- and this saturday afternoon - this is after last week him saying that he would have her whenever i was working- 2.5 hours later no reply. So i phone and he tries to say that he hasnt looked at his phone- it was in his van which i dont believe and why the rush - to which i say that i need to make arrangements.

He has done this before if i send him a message - he will often not reply for hours - when DD sends him a message he will always reply - and in the past before i caught him out and if i texted him it was usually an instant reply.

TBH i was not surprised when he started saying is that all? Why cant i see her more - i have specifically asked her what she wants to do and she has said that 1 day each week during the holidays with him is what she wants - and she wants to go to the holiday club for 2 days - as the agenda looks great. I have said to him that i am following her lead -but he doesnt believe me. This thing is should i be forcing her to spend more time with him ? He asks if he can see her on the days when i am off with her and i said of course if that is what she wants - if she wants to i have never stopped her from seeing you as evidenced in the past. He sites one day a few weeks ago when she was due back at 1.30 and why could he not see her the whole day - and i said that was because she wanted to come back them - not me and i texted her to say stay longer which she did - 10-3.00. She won't do overnights with him as she has always had problems with her sleeping so how we are going to cope if she is supposed to spend the whole weekend with him i will never know. We have the added complication that i think he is plannning on moving in with the OW - 500 yards down the road from us - which will be very difficult and restrict the options for her spending time with him in a home environment.

She is 8 - nearly 9 so knows her own mind but if he thinks that i am controlling her then i am not and TBH - a bit of time on my own is quite nice.

To cut a long story short he refused to tell me whether he could have her and said that he would have to go home to look at his diary - this is a patent lie - and put the phone down on me twice and then denied putting it down.

I am really beginning to hate this man - he is so stupid if he thinks that i am going to play games with his daughter to get one back on him - it left me shaking with anger and tearful and this is the worst that i have felt for ages and i dread the fact that i have got this pratt in my life for the forseeable future.

Sorry about the rant- i need to pull myself together.

:( devastated.

That sounds awful and I only anticipate myself being there in the future.

Do you need him to have her at those times? If not could you tell him that if you don't know by the end of the day you will do X instead. Explain that you want to give him the first option because it is what you thought he would want and it is what DD wants. Stress that if you don't hear by the end of the day you will make alternative arrangements and won't bother asking in the future?

I dunno....I know that sounds in part as though you are trying too play a game with him in teh same way, but I think you need a resolution so you know where you are at. I think that is only reasonable.

On a nother point...if you received the following text from someone that has just kicked their OH out how would you feel; I dont want to come across as any more scorned than I obviously am. (this is the text I am planning to send to OWDH; has to be text or email because OW won't let him off his leash)

I respect that you want to trust what your wife has told you, but since we last spoke it ihas been made explicitly clear to me that your wife was actively involved in a relationship with XP. Based on what I have seen recently I also strongly suspect it is still happening. If you want to talk further, now or in the future, you know where I am, if you want to forget about it I won't bring it up again.

It's very hard to not react or get dragged into a drama triangle with them. But if you can then say well ok I'll see what other arrangements I can make if you're busy and sound non plussed. As for him believing you're taking your DD's lead on visitations I'm not sure what to suggest as mine are still very young and love seeing their daddy lots. But it's a horrible situation for you and very stressful

It would be hideous if he moved in, just down the road with the OW under your very noses. Could you consider moving perhaps? Or is that a bad idea.

Haunted Don't send any texts. Some men just do not want to believe what is under their very noses and it may make things worse imo.

Oh and go to bed for a kip

Thanks Tea and Haunted.

Moving not an option for me - could be for them but i sense that she and he quite like the fact that they can rub me and DDs noses in it- he really has no dignity and respect and she is an absolute common trollop.

I will make alternative arrangements if i need to - i really have tried to be fair and have not restricted her from seeing him and have in fact suggested it as i can get loads more done when i have some time free - even an hour when i come home from work now feels good. I have just talked to a RL friend - from the village and she knows us both well - she was more his friend than mine previously and that has helped. I suspect that he has had a crap weekend and is feeling fed up and i got him being cross because he hasnt seen DD over the weekend - her decision not mine although yesterday was Mothering Sunday!

Haunted - not sure about the text as i dont know how well you know the OW's partner- i have been praised for my dignity it not repsonding to OW and hard though it has been at times - being restrained has helped. IF you suspect that he has been lied to and would want to know then that is different. I wish that someoen had told me what my H was up to before and if i found out about someone else then i would seriously think about it.

This is the point. OWDH is a friend (or was until OW blocked contact). I have been listening to the rumours for a lot of social circles and wish someone had told me sooner.

This is not about revenge. This is about the fact that I
a) don't like being asked to keep a secret from a friend (yes XP has asked me not to tell OWDH!)
b) can't move on whilst I am party to such a secret

but most of all seeing how I feel about my friends that didn't tell me sooner I don't want to be one of those friends to OWDH.

Haunted-i thought in the past you had told the OWDH but he had dismissed your suspisions? if so then i would really leave it,he may not want to hear,if he did then you have planted the seeds in his mind when you told him the 1st time,if he wanted to its up to him to dig deeper.I think he will just dismiss what you say and think you are just ranting because you are hurt.Also no one really knows what is going on except the people involved there may still be much more to come out about it all.
For your own peace of mind just shut the door on it .

I told him that I thought was happening.

That was before XP confessed. And before XP had been leaving his car hidden round the corner when there is apparently nothing to hide.

Haunted, I have been in your position re OW's H refusing to believe what was happening under his own nose. Even when my XP told him face to face he had been to bed with OW a few days earlier he still wanted further evidence which I was able to provide in the form of texts. That is how concrete your evidence must be. If you tell him that your H has confessed he will probably dismiss this as you being delusional, bitter and hurt that your H has left. He will need to hear your H confess and he still may deny it to himself.
I do not regret what I did for one minute but it was the catalyst of the break up of two families both with dc which is very sad. OW and her H will probably blame me for the rest of their lives. Do I care what they think about me? Not a jot. Good luck.

TBH OWDH didn't dismiss me. He confronted his wife and she convinced him otherwise.

I have proof that goes so far in teh form of a very explicit valentines card written by my XP which essentially confesses everything.

There are lots of reasons for me doing this. And the top 2 are that I think it is grossly unfair on OWDH that XP and OW are still walking down the street together practically arm in arm. And that I feel that it will help me to acheive closure if I am not carrying a secret like this any more, constantly in termoil as to whether to tell. I plan on being clear and sticking to facts rather than explaination and then it is up to OWDH if he wants to explore more.

TBH I don't think there is a right thing to do...I guess in teh absense of an obviously right thing to do part of me just wants to get this burden off my shoulders

And at teh end of the day if he doesn't believe me so be it...at least I won't be burdened any more.

Haunted, their marriage is unlikely to survive this, with or without your input, so I doubt they'll be walking arm in arm forever. If he was really your friend why hasn't he made an effort to get in touch with you? OW isn't holding him prisoner. Deep down, he probably knows the truth but he may continue to deny it even with the Valentine card as evidence. I showed OW's H a letter which outlined how she was going to wait forever for XP and she loved him so much it hurt and she managed to lie her way out of it. But only because her H desperately wanted to believe those lies.
My motive for exposing the lying cheats was pure unadulterated revenge. There was nothing altruistic about it. I'm not proud of it but I don't regret it either. I needed the truth and I wanted XP and OW to hurt as much as I was. They did some terrible things, messed with my mental health and involved dc from both families in their liasons. They deserved to be exposed. Are your feelings in any way similar? Thinking of you x