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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Regaining love?

253 replies

whereisthelove · 27/03/2011 14:03

My DH has dropped me a bombshell - "I love you but I am not IN love with you". I'm devastated and don't know what to do.

We've had a rocky 18months. After the birth of DC3 I was just very child focused and haven't paid my DH enough attention and affection. I think I've just been emotionally drained looking after 3 little ones. Anyway, he has been feeling very angry about it and hasn't really expressed it up until now.

I have recently felt like I've turned a corner and feel like I've got some of me back as DC3 is now that bit older but I think it's too late. My DH hasn't said he loves me for weeks and that is what brought on the conversation last night.

I really don't know what to do. Is it possible for me to make him fall in love with me all over again?

I feel like someone has literally punched me in the stomach and torn my world apart. I've just been so withdrawn today and know I need to snap myself out of it as it's doing me no favours. But I'm so so sad :(

OP posts:
memorylapse · 31/03/2011 18:27

WITL.the simple answer is that if he goes to her..there is little you can do about it and worrying wont change it..BUT..his "little bit of fun" might not look so rosy now he has been found out..quite often nothing bursts the bubble of the other woman more than being found out..

He has treated you disgustingly and is trying to manipulate your feelings so that you blame yourself for the way he has behaved. My H did the same..leading me I was entirely to blame for him delivering "The Speech" to me

You actually sound like one hell of a lady, you will amaze yourself at your strength..draw comfort from your beautiful DC's..HE is the loser here not you..just keep reminding yourself that

As Sufficient has said..time away may be a wake up call and he may realise what he is losing..but remember YOU call the shots

kettlecrisps · 31/03/2011 18:29

You know he could be playing the ultimate in cowardly (which he does seem to do rather well) and pushing you into making the decision by saying such ridiculously outrageous things. It gives him the excuse to say "oh well it's what she wants etc."

This still must not make you waiver in doing what you know is right which is to demand to be treated respectfully.

If you didn't call time on him then he would have just carried on with the bizarre behaviour of blaming you! You can't win either way. You have to accept that. You will find out a lot about this man shortly and then make your decision. Don't ever feel you gave up - he should be FIGHTING for a chance.

Original poster
whereisthelove · 31/03/2011 18:29

He's not here. He is at work. Not sure if he's on his way here or not. All his stuff is strewn across the drive. I'm trying really hard to hold it together but my poor DC's know something is wrong and I'm upset. I feel so :( for them. He told me that if I kick him out then it's finished. :(

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 31/03/2011 18:31

If OW really does have cancer, judging by the kind of man your husbnd's revealing himself to be, he won't hang around long. But by the time he comes crawling back, you probably won't want him.

"She wasn't too uncomfortable, too hot or too dang tired 4 cuddles."

What a despicable, cruel, callous, vile thing for him to say to you. Whenever you're having a wobble remember that sentence to remind yourself what a horrible human being he is.

kettlecrisps · 31/03/2011 18:31

Well if he says that then there's one answer for you already isn't it? As I say you will find out a lot. Watch and listen to him. He is trying to manipulate you. Trying to make YOU feel guilty about struggling with HIS INFIDELITY! Wow.

lostinthejungle · 31/03/2011 18:32

And WITL, I have seen many threads/posts here that talk about how these wankers swan off to the OW only for a very hard landing when they realise the drudgery of every day life is pretty much the same everywhere you go - "someone has to do the washing up".

So if you are totally certain that if he goes to the OW you'll never take him back I absolutely admire you and support you, brilliant! But given others' experiences you shouldn't belittle yourself if you have a wobble if he comes back to earth - IF he is able to prove that he has really done that (and of course that will take a long time).

madonnawhore · 31/03/2011 18:35

OP we all think you are amazing and that you have absolutely done the right thing.

Keep posting, we are all here for you.

carlywurly · 31/03/2011 19:07

I posted early on and am so sorry it's turned out this way. You're getting some great advice, and I wish I'd listened to it all when I was going through something very similar.
You do sound really strong, and you will be fine. It's just so gut wrenching to go through at the time, and I really feel for you. Focus on yourself, and your dc's. He's made his own bed.

ElevenEleven · 31/03/2011 19:55

I posted very early on in this thread to say my partner had (for the second time in our relationship) told me the 'in love' feeling has gone. He insists there is no one else and wants to regain that feeling for me. Feeling lost at the moment to be honest, so tired as baby doesnt sleep well and would love a cuddle. Don't think thats gonna happen any time soon.
So sad how your story has panned out, sending massive hugs to you and your girls ((())) and hoping you stay strong.

Dozer · 31/03/2011 19:58

Am sorry he is being such a a shit. Please remember this was not your fault!

Focus on your dcs, this will be really upsetting for them too (but again, not your fault!) and also practical stuff like getting the dcs some support (eg at school), finances, legal position etc.

Hengameh · 31/03/2011 21:16

This all sounds so familiar to me. My ex told me he had an affair because I neglected him. To cut a long story short I blamed myself and 'changed' proudly thinking I'd discovered the way to make a marriage last.

I made it last another 15 yrs

15 awful yrs.

In that time I lost all my self esteem and spiralled into a pit where I just gave and gave and he treated me with disdain, occasional shows of affection but mainly neglect, disdain and abuse.

I envy you (yes really) the fact that you have the courage to tell him to go.

I wish I had done the same. I became a doormat

PeterAndreForPM · 31/03/2011 21:25

henga, I am so sorry

but your story is my definition of absolute hell

what makes one man worth that ?

I just don't, and never will, understand it

there are 3 billion or so men out there

why can women tthink i ok to let one of them bring you so low ?

that wasn't meant to make you feel worse than you already do, btw...just put it down to my lack of empathy Confused

Hengameh · 31/03/2011 21:35

It made me smile.

I think when you have started down the path of blaming yourself you start looking at yourself critically. He then supplies the evidence of your neglect and I think my personality (and that of many women) is to conscientiously consider my faults and away you go....it's downhill from then on. As your self esteem plummets you lose the ability to see reality of your situation. I shudder now and feel huge grief at those lost years.

It got so bad that I tolerated a huge amount of abuse. In the beginning I would never have stood for it. But you tolerate 'this' and then 'this' and then 'this' and .......... suddenly you have no standards

I also worried about the kids. He seemed so nice to others and them. It was me that bore the brunt of his crap

I had no boundaries by the end but it didn't start like that

PeterAndreForPM · 31/03/2011 21:37

am sorry love, please don't think I am blaming you

I really try to understand (have read enough of these threads, ffs), but I just can't Sad

Hengameh · 31/03/2011 21:37

I thought no man would ever look at me. I felt fat, dowdy.....damaged by pregnancy and breast feeding.

I'm actually a very young looking tall leggy gorgeous woman. Why did I not realise it when I was with him?

PeterAndreForPM · 31/03/2011 21:39

he damaged you

I can understand that

Hengameh · 31/03/2011 21:41

I'm free now :)

No man will ever treat me like that again

PeterAndreForPM · 31/03/2011 21:43

amen !

ElevenEleven · 31/03/2011 22:34

All i know is something isnt adding up regarding his latest business trip. He set off at a random time, was sketchy on what time he got to hotel, didnt answer my calls then came home the next day saying he wasnt needed there after all. Havent seen a ticket stub and he'd need it for expenses claim. Everything about it is vague. Its nearly a month since he came home from a business trip and couldnt keep his hands off me but then a week later told me he was only here for the baby. And dont laugh but he's started wearing boxer shorts and he hasnt worn underwear since he was a teenager. Its so out of character and his reason is crap..he has a hole in his jeans. Then he binned the jeans and bought more. Wtf? To me it feels like his body isnt for my eyes anymore. Does that make sense? Something just doesnt feel right. Sorry WITL i had to get that off my chest and your thread has really struck a chord.

PeterAndreForPM · 31/03/2011 22:38

eleven, I don't know your back story

but it may be to your advantage to start examining what is right under your nose Sad

ElevenEleven · 31/03/2011 22:49

...last time we went through this was last autumn. We had a new baby, we were so happy i thought.. and he was sitting next to me on the sofa texting some random girl he'd met telling her he didnt love me and she was encouraging him to leave..i went through hell for him...we worked through it...he stayed and we were strong. Then his job started taking him away a lot... suppose i just dont want to believe he'd put me through that hell twice...:(

PeterAndreForPM · 31/03/2011 22:52
Sad

if he is putting you through that hell twice...you do know what you have to do, don't you, love ?

and making like an ostrich ain't it

ElevenEleven · 31/03/2011 23:24

I know...difference is last time i was a weeping ball of hormones...now i'm a woman who remembers she did perfectly well as a single mum of two before he came along (and 'rescued' me) and i'd be a perfectly good single mum of three if thats how it pans out. I'm hoping he's sincere in his promise to try and 'fix' things but so far i'm not seeing any work go into it. He's out tonight, one quick pint at half seven, see you in an hour...by my reckoning its been nearly four...needless to say dinner's ruined. That almost made me laugh. Thanks pete, i always love your input on these threads.

ElevenEleven · 31/03/2011 23:26

And his phone's switched off..

Original poster
whereisthelove · 31/03/2011 23:30

well he has left. After an awful row and him threatening to break a window. I am in shreds. He's gone to his mums. My poor dc's.
His mum has come around and we had a good talk. Just so sad at the moment. Not sure what the next step is. But i do wish he was here. Can't write too much more as he took our laptop with him so i'm using my mobile.
..eleven hope you are ok.

OP posts: