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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Regaining love?

253 replies

whereisthelove · 27/03/2011 14:03

My DH has dropped me a bombshell - "I love you but I am not IN love with you". I'm devastated and don't know what to do.

We've had a rocky 18months. After the birth of DC3 I was just very child focused and haven't paid my DH enough attention and affection. I think I've just been emotionally drained looking after 3 little ones. Anyway, he has been feeling very angry about it and hasn't really expressed it up until now.

I have recently felt like I've turned a corner and feel like I've got some of me back as DC3 is now that bit older but I think it's too late. My DH hasn't said he loves me for weeks and that is what brought on the conversation last night.

I really don't know what to do. Is it possible for me to make him fall in love with me all over again?

I feel like someone has literally punched me in the stomach and torn my world apart. I've just been so withdrawn today and know I need to snap myself out of it as it's doing me no favours. But I'm so so sad :(

OP posts:
Dozer · 30/03/2011 20:15

Am v sorry this is happening to you op. Agree with others that you must not blame yourself or feel like you have to regain his love.

Also, is there anyone who can help you out in RL? Even if just with practical stuff like cooking, helping with the dcs. Don't be embarrassed to tell people what's going on, people might be able to help and comfort you.

Icandothis · 30/03/2011 21:44

Just checking in. Thinking of you tonight. You will survive this, I promise you - although I know the pain you are in now is so intense. I also think talking to some friends and family is important. They will remind you what a good person you are, how you do not deserve this and they will hopefully take care of you and your DC. I expect you are exhausted. Please try and eat anything you think you can manage. I really struggled to eat at times and had to get out of bed in the middle of the night for a bowl of cereal as I suddenly realised my tummy hurt because I was hungry.

It's probably too early for this but when I felt at my worst, I kept thinking that at least I am well and even though its horrible getting up to face each day, one day I will feel better and slowly I can enjoy parts of life. I can get over this but if I was really ill there would be nothing anyone in the world could do to help me and my DC would have to survive without me. Now admittedly, my Mum died very young so hence this rather odd train of thought.

Stac2011 · 31/03/2011 00:25

just checking in op. How did it go at relate? Did H go with you?

whereisthelove · 31/03/2011 06:36

Hi there. H did go to relate with me. To be honest because it was an assessment session (didn't realise this when I booked), I didn't get anything out of it apart from the fact that my H does want to talk about it and to continue to go in order to sort things out.

What did come out of all our talking yesterday is that he is just full of resentment and anger about being rejected and I am definitely to blame there. For a few months I did reject him -I felt so emotionally and physically drained with the 3 little ones that he really did get no attention. The damage was caused by the fact that we both stopped communicating to each other. He said until he can get over that anger he has inside that he cannot feel regret or sorry for the affair. I've told him that he needs to feel sorry for it in order to us to move on. I need to know he is sorry........it's going to take such a long time. I can understand some anger but he really is just full of anger which I am struggling to understand. Why didn't he talk to me! :(

He has said that he really hates himself right now and he broke down. So that's a start.

I asked him did he ever feel guilty and the only thing that made him feel guilty was not answering my calls. He never felt guilt sleeping with her. That is quite hard to take. That has made me feel very sad and angry.

My beautiful DD's know there is a problem. They could hear us talking with quite raised voices. We told them that we have had an argument just like her and her sister argue, and that we will need to do lots more talking in order to be friends again. We said that we will need to talk every day and that they might hear raised voices again but they shouldn't worry as it's a good thing as it means we are talking and trying to make things better. My DD1 said "oh please make up. I want you to be holding hands again like in your wedding photo" (which I have actually taken down). That has made me very, very sad. :( The damage we have done to our children. :( I think I may have to let her teacher know that there is a problem at home in case it starts affecting her at school.

I just don't know how I can get over the anger, hatred, bitterness, betrayal, loss of trust and sadness that he is caused. How can I ever forgive him? What's making is worse is that he doesn't love me.... how is this going to work? :( I don't know if this can ever be fixed. :(

OP posts:
whereisthelove · 31/03/2011 06:43

oh and I did question him more on the "bit of fun" comment. He said it really was just a bit of fun. She doesn't know how long she has so she is just out to have fun. He said that they didn't have a relationship as such as it was just all about sex. I am struggling to think that is just the H I know isn't so callous but then again I don't really know my H.

OP posts:
countingto10 · 31/03/2011 07:06

It's one day at at time. My DH didn't think he loved me because if he did why did he do what he did. We both knew it was going to take a lot of work but we both had the same goal, to have a better and stronger marriage.

The more distance he got from OW and affair and the more effort we made to each other and ourselves, things slowly started to turn around.

Through the counselling and efforts we made, he realised that I wasn't the ogre he had built me up to be, that I was reacting to him and what he was doing.

We did simple things like take the kids for a walk and held hands (holding hands wasn't threatening nor too intimate). Having a BBQ in the garden with the DC and playing with them, reconnecting as a family. You start "seeing" each over again.

Do kind things for each other, making each other cups of tea etc. And be kind to yourself - I even bought myself some flowers when I was feeling particularly sad one day Smile.

whereisthelove · 31/03/2011 07:27

Thanks countingto10 that is nice to hear. Right now I don't want to be near him. But hopefully, we can get to the stage were we can hold hands and move on from there. It's going to take such a long time and I just hope H can wait that long for things to progress.

I just can't get out of my head that I really did think things were turning a corner and our relationship was getting better and then this bombshell. I just cannot believe it.

OP posts:
countingto10 · 31/03/2011 07:34

It's post traumatic shock Sad.

BTW your H may be misdirecting his anger at you. My DH had unresolved issues from childhood and a lot of anger because of it which was directed at me, I was the devil incarnate ! Hopefully counselling will get to the bottom of it. As I have said in other threads, DH has gone back to counselling 2 years down the line as none of it was really about me.

napoleona · 31/03/2011 07:43

Whereis, I'm not qualified to give you any advice, but i have read your thread and I really feel for you. I dont think you should take it that you are somehow at fault for 'neglecting' your OH. You sound like a very good mother and wife and he made that choice to do what he did. And now he says he needs time to 'get over' the anger he feels towards you?? I think you should take some time to think about what YOU feel, what YOU want. Anyway, have a (hug). And try to get some time to yourself. Take care.

callow · 31/03/2011 08:04

My ex was very similar with his resentment and anger at the fact that I had put the children first.

To me it was like my husband and children were drowning and I could only save one of them. I chose the children knowing for a fact that my husband could swim and had more chance of saving himself than the children who would have drowned instantly.

I have now come to the conclusion that he really wasn't a family man, he didn't see bring up the kids as a joint effort it was him against the kids. I could see him wanting attention but I didn't have the energy to give him any. All our families live overseas so it was just us. I am afraid that 6 years on he rarely sees the kids (3 times last year despite my trying to arrange various meetings) but does provide enough money.

BalloonSlayer · 31/03/2011 08:19

"What did come out of all our talking yesterday is that he is just full of resentment and anger about being rejected and I am definitely to blame there. For a few months I did reject him -I felt so emotionally and physically drained with the 3 little ones that he really did get no attention."

What does "no attention" mean WITL? Totally ignoring him? Not cooking him any dinner and breezily stating that you ate with the children ane he'll have to get his own? Or just no, or not enough, sex?

Did you ignore him by having sex with someone else? Maybe then his anger could compare with yours...

What was he doing to help YOU when you were emotionally and physically drained with three little ones? You know the ones - HIS children?

countingto10 · 31/03/2011 08:33

Have you got to wait for your next appointment ? I know me and DH were in such a state that counsellor made sure we were seen the following week and thereafter every week as an emergency as there was normally a 6/8 week wait.

If you can try and hold everything together, take a deep breath and try not to react too much (extremely hard IMO but can be so counterproductive). If you are so angry just say to him, I am so angry I cannot talk about this now, I have to go for a walk but will be back in 10 mins eg. I wish I had handled things better at the beginning.

madonnawhore · 31/03/2011 09:50

I think it's a bit rich for him to be angry with you for rejecting him to be honest. Who the fuck does he think he is? He felt rejected because you were being a good mother to his children (who are naturally the priority), now you feel rejected because he went out and fucked someone else.

Who's entitled to feel angry? Not him, that's for sure.

BalloonSlayer · 31/03/2011 10:10

Yes this bit " He said until he can get over that anger he has inside that he cannot feel regret or sorry for the affair. " makes me Hmm and Angry

If a child did something and you hit them, you wouldn't get away with saying: "well I am still so angry that I can't be sorry for hitting you" because the hitting is so much worse than anything the child could have done that it overwhelms everything.

Being faithful is basically what being married is about. There are no vows about promising to dance attendance on your spouse even when exhausted bringing up their small children. But there are plenty about Fidelity, and even, for good measure Fidelity even when things are going wrong.

WITL please PLEASE don't let him blame you for this. PLEASE ask him why if you didn't seem to have time for him he didn't help you more so that you had more time. Please ask him to leave.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 31/03/2011 11:26

WITL Unfortunately, what has happened is that you have got sucked back into both his and society's script about why men have affairs. I really want you to try and step back for a moment and look at this logically. I also want you to bear in mind that your H, like a lot of emotionally immature adults in shock, has retreated to child mode. When caught red-handed doing something that can be no-one else's fault, there is an instinct to hurl the "You made me do it" defence. If he was a child you wouldn't accept the blame and you'd tell him to take responsibility for his actions.

His anger is less to do with being neglected and more about being found out actually. He is literally furious with you for rumbling him and the more indignant he feels about that and having to accept he was in the wrong here, the more he is going to counter-attack with "reasons" for why he behaved as he did.

Most married adults know that infidelity is wrong and unfair, but because the weakest cannot take responsibility for doing a bad thing, they have to find just cause. Unfortunately, society colludes with this and the sexual politics influence people's choices, so that affairs are thought to be understandable if someone isn't "getting" something from their marriage.

Well actually that needs unpicking because what you will find is that this affair didn't happen because your H wasn't getting enough, it happened because he wasn't giving enough.

You've got 3 children of 5 and under by the sounds of things, which is more demanding of your physical and emotional labour over 24 hours than any full-time job. But it sounds as though you have been doing this pretty much single-handed while your H has worked, enjoyed corporate entertainment and gone to parties. Lots of working parents find young children exhausting and after a hard day's work, want to come home and switch off. But they can't - they have to be in Daddy or Mummy mode as soon as they step in the door and share the load with the partner who has been tending to their needs all day. Their sense of fairness kicks in and they realise that their partner needs a break. Selfish and immature parents however, stay out late after work to avoid all this, tell lies to their partner about where they are and only return when the kids are bathed and in bed.

By that time, I expect you felt anything but sexy, desirable and adoring of your H. I expect you just felt exhausted.

I want you to reverse the sexes here and imagine your H had been the primary carer and you had been the breadwinner. Imagine yourself behaving exactly as your H has since having DCs and then tell me who you think has been giving more to the relationship.

I also want you to stop thinking about what your H hasn't been getting and focus for a moment on what you haven't been getting from your romantic relationship. Have you felt nurtured, understood, adored, desired intensely, loved and cared for, listened to, supported, given a well-deserved break, treated, able to discuss and realise your aspirations in life?

If the answer to that is "no" and you still wouldn't have had an affair, then see this defence for the absolute sham it is.

The truth of affairs is often rather more mundane and a lot less complex that people involved in them would have you believe. They never happen in a vacuum and are usually an extension of behaviour that was already there.

Therefore, affairs often happen just because an opportunity arises for a romantic and sexual adventure and a person says "Why not?"

And it's as banal and simple as that.

givemesomespace · 31/03/2011 11:46

As ever WWIFN sums it up better than most of us. It's very honest of you to say that you may have neglected the relationship but please recognise that it is so easy to do at this stage in raising a family and more importantly that HE has clearly neglected the relationship a lot more than you have. For him to try and pass the ball back to you and tell you that he can't get rid of his anger is pathetic IMO and suggests that he may not accept responsibility for his choices and actions. He checked out of your relationship a long time ago and until he accepts responsibility he is unlikely to checking back in IYKWIM.

whereisthelove · 31/03/2011 12:39

WWIFN I can see where you are coming from especially the bit "affairs often happen just because an opportunity arises for a romantic and sexual adventure and a person says "Why not?"" But surely, if he was getting what he needed at home then he would have declined the offer? There must of been other times in our 15 years together were the same opportunities had arisen and he could of said "why not" but he didn't.

After I had my DS I did not like being touched. I felt like all day my children were touching me and that I just had to be left alone. So I did use to brush my H off as I just wanted space. So it is my fault he had this affair as I was physically pushing him away. I should have told him how I was feeling and perhaps he should have asked. But if he didn't so rejected then this would not have happened because he is not the type to say "Why Not" or at least I didn't think he would be the type. He is not someone who sleeps around. He has now only slept with 3 people. Relationship before me, Me and OW.

Oh dear this is just such a mess. :(

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 31/03/2011 12:53

GOD FORBID he should have ever had to subsume his own needs to think about your feelings for once!

Can you not see how nuts that thinking is OP? He's not entitled to demand affection and sex from you. Did you ever feel like he was being considerate towards you, or just that he was making demands and sulking when he didn't get what he wanted?

Instead of trying to take the pressure off and make things better FOR BOTH OF YOU, he buggered off to birthday parties, leaving you at home.

Please listen to what WWIFN is saying and understand that this is not your fault. It has nothing to do with you not giving enough to the marriage and everything to do with the fact that his sense of entitlement meant that for him, his needs came before anyone else's.

whereisthelove · 31/03/2011 13:53

madonna surely I must be at least partially to blame for the affair. My lack of affection must have had some affect on his decision to have an affair. Also, surely my lack of affection must have meant that he stopped trying, so stopped giving anything to the relationship. From what I understand WWIFN has said that H checked out of the relationship along time before the affair started and therefore it wasn't going to take much to start an affair. He must of checked out of the relationship because of me.

Arrgh ...I'm so confused. Confused

OP posts:
WriterofDreams · 31/03/2011 13:54

WITL it makes me really sad to see you trying to blame yourself for what your H did. Please don't accept blame for it, it's not your fault. He is a grown man and if he was feeling neglected it was up to him to tell you that and to work with you to find a solution to it.

You must realise too that when kids are involved it's very normal for the marriage to suffer a bit, but truly loving husbands and wives understand this and don't use it to justify an affair. You were genuinely worn out - you weren't brushing him off to be mean or to punish him. A caring partner would think in those circumstances "Oh she must be knackered, maybe if I give her break on Saturday we can have a nice evening together afterwards" not "wah wah wah I'm not getting enough attention!" When I was very depressed I couldn't stand being touched and DH and I didn't have sex for months which was extremely unusual for us, but he understood that I wasn't able to give him that at the time and he certainly didn't hassle me or use it as an excuse to sleep around.

Your DH has no right be angry. You are not his slave, contracted to please him, you are his partner and he should have been working with you to keep the relationship going. Instead he is acting like you had a sworn duty to service him and you let him down. It's a horrible selfish attitude to have and you should in no way feel guilty for his sense of neglect or his anger.

Flower1000 · 31/03/2011 14:05

It's not your fault he had an affair!!!!!!!!!!!!! Regardless of how rejected he felt there's no excuse for having an affair. He should have spoken to you about how he was feeling and tried to talk to you about the relationship, tried to sort things out. Since when did an affair ever resolve issues in the current relationship. He's sounding like a spoilt kid who's been caught with his hand in the biscuit tin and blaming his mum because tea is late!!

It really annoys me when husbands (or wives) blame lack of attention from the other half for having an affair. If they were unhappy they can either leave or try and sort it out. Having an affair is just selfish, ignoring the issue and simply making themselves feel better.

Sorry for the rant. I truely hope you can sort this out but your DH needs to take responsibility for the affair, for the state of the current relationship and work just as hard as you to sort it out. It shouldn't all be on you!

madonnawhore · 31/03/2011 14:24

Being passively miserable, or getting sex outside the marriage were not his only two options, OP. He's a total child if he thinks that was the case.

sufficient · 31/03/2011 15:55

surely I must be at least partially to blame for the affair. My lack of affection must have had some affect on his decision to have an affair. Also, surely my lack of affection must have meant that he stopped trying, so stopped giving anything to the relationship.

No. No no no no no no no no no. No.

I was in the same position as you. H started his affair when we had a 4 year old, a 1 year old and a 2 month old. I didn't have anything left for me, I couldn't bear for him to touch me, I doubt we had had sex in months.

Of course I wasn't perfect, I could have made more of an effort. I am jointly responsible with him for the problems in our marriage. BUT. BUT I have come to see that how he reacted to them, by starting something with someone else, was entirely his fault, his responsibility. It was 100% wrong, and 100% nothing to do with me.

Did your H express these concerns in a proactive "why don't we try this?" kind of way? Did he help out as much as he could with the children, in order to ease your burden and so that maybe you would have something to give him? Did he make you feel cherished and loved and doted upon because you were doing an amazing thing in raising his children? No?

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. THERE WAS NOTHING YOU COULD HAVE DONE.

I also know this because when I found out about the affair in November, I did turn into the perfect wife. Loads of sex, loads of attention, loads of romantic dates and weekends away etc. Did it make the slightest bit of difference? No, he kept on seeing her as well.

BECAUSE THIS IS ABOUT THEM.

whereisthelove · 31/03/2011 16:18

Thank you for trying to talk some sense into me everyone. It's just because he is so angry and so angry he cannot be remorseful that I am doubting and blaming myself. However, I know what you are saying is right. No I never felt cherished or doted on. No he didn't make any suggestions on how we could sort this out.

When he did say something (which was after the affair started) then yes I made more effort but I could never compete with excitement of an affair could I?

But why is he so angry? That is the bit I don't understand.

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 31/03/2011 16:28

He's fuming because he's been caught red handed by you.

You've interrupted his fun and whatever he was planning for this longer term - either leaving you and running off with OW, or ending it with OW and carrying on without you ever finding out - you have ruined it for him.

Diddums.

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