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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It is all over with DH

246 replies

glitterfairy · 27/10/2005 03:32

THought I would start a new thread on this. I went to relate tonight and told DH I wanted a proper separation. He was also told by our counsellor that relate could no longer work with him until he had been on a course for abusive and violent men.

He reacted in kind by saying why didnt they recommend me to go anger management course and what about me owning up to my problems. In the end he left the session saying he would divorce me as soon as possible. At one point he said I should leave the house. When I said I would take the kids with me he said fine take them I pay the mortgage!

He has been a complete ass and frankly I need to move on. I feel strangely calm but know he will now exert financial control and his anger will be increased and directed at me. He cannot see that he has done anything wrong and still insists that when I called the police the other week because he attacked me I had lost perspective and control.

In the end I need to grieve for this relationship but move on.

OP posts:
sunchowder · 27/10/2005 03:47

I am so sorry to hear this glitterfairy. I hadn't been following your story, but it is always hard to face the unknown. I hope you can find some peace with it and have the ability to cope with the financial pressures. I don't know any of the details, but hopefully you will be much better off in the end. You are in my thoughts then. I am logging off now.

gravity · 27/10/2005 04:30

my thought are with you glitterfairy - you have made a brave decision.well done. xxxxxx

tigermoth · 27/10/2005 07:42

glitterfairy, have not followed your story very closely as I am not around enough, but I know you've been having lots of problems with your husband.

I just wanted to say, having read your message, how calm and strong you seem about your decision. You also seem clearheaded about the future - knowing it won't be easy, and accepting this. I am very impressed.

I am sure, having these qualities, you will get through the challenges the next months throw at you. Thinking of you.

Tickle · 27/10/2005 07:47

Thinking of you glitterfairy - and I'm sure the uncertainties of the next months will be less than the despair of living with abuse... good luck and well done for taking such a brave decision. There will be plenty of people cheering for you, here on MN & in RL.
xxx

Original poster
glitterfairy · 27/10/2005 08:24

THank you so much everyone. For the first time since yesterday I nearly cried. It means a lot when people believe my story.

THe kids all slept in my room last night only ds who is 9 is really upset at the moment and cannot see why I have done this. My eldest dd has been incredibly supportive but I must not rely on the kids as I want the one stable thing in their lives to be me and our home wherever it will be.

Have a day at work today and have emailed my solicitor. Am hoping dh does not try ot come home tonight but will put my dad on standby to come over if he does.

OP posts:
throckenholt · 27/10/2005 08:26

Glad you have come to a decision about your future.

Get some advice - CAB maybe - before you move out of the house - I think there may be issues about sharing assets later if you voluntarily leave - I am sure others can tell you more about that - maybe make a new thread with a more specific title.

Good luck.

blueteddy · 27/10/2005 08:43

Message withdrawn

Original poster
glitterfairy · 27/10/2005 08:56

I wont move out and wouldnt anyway he just was trying to un settle me.

In the end we will have to sell the house to pay off debts and to have a proper financial settlement and I may live in somehwere rented for a while in order to really look at my life and where I want to go. I need to see this as an opportunity to shape things the way I want them to be and to live life on my terms for the first time in 17 years. It will be painful and awful and I am sure will get much much messier but in the end I will be stronger and more myself.

OP posts:
Miaou · 27/10/2005 08:59

Glitterfairy - so sad for you that it is over, but well done for being so strong about this. Can you continue to see the Relate counsellor for support, without your h, or do the sessions end now that you have decided to separate? If you can keep going on your own it may be valuable to have someone professional to talk to, especially if, as you suggest, your dh isn't going to make this next bit easy for you.

Thinking of you

Original poster
glitterfairy · 27/10/2005 09:31

Yes relate have offered counselling ot me so am taking the counsellor up on it gratefully she says I need to sort out my head a bit and start a recovery plan.

OP posts:
doormat · 27/10/2005 09:54

glitterfairy thinking of you hun

I know what you are going through as I had an abusive exh. The best thing i ever did was to get rid of the skank. The kids will soon settle down once there is a bit of peace back in your lives.
Even though this is sad that a marriage is breaking down start looking forward to a new beginning once you have had time to grieve.
take care
xxx

MarsLady · 27/10/2005 10:20

thinking of you. You sound very strong currently. I hope you are surrounded by good friends in RL. I pray it all goes well for you. [smilel]

anorak · 27/10/2005 10:24

Hi Glitterfairy.

It sounds to me as if you have tried very hard in every possible way to give your dh chances and make the marriage work. Don't feel guilty about losing your temper here and there, anyone would under the circumstances. You don't need 'anger management', just to live without being provoked constantly will do the trick I'm sure. One thing I've noticed that sometimes people with severe behavioural problems do, is to accuse those around them of the exact same thing. It's as if they are trying to convince themself as much as anyone else.

You sound incredibly together and level-headed for someone who is going through so much. You will be fine.

ninah · 27/10/2005 13:28

oh here you are gf! well done for taking such a brave stand. SO proud of you
Yes, it is likely he will react to losing control of you by all kind of threats financial in particular but see them for what they are. Relate warned me of this with my p too. And they are right.
You have every right to stay in the house, he can be excluded if he comes around and is abusive. Calling the police in the past was a good move.
Keep calm, he can't hurt you any more. Yes it is hard, and tiring, and bloody in the short term, but not as bad as the long term grief of carrying on.
Don't know where you are but I am in Essex with family in the Midlands so if I can be of any help let me know. Take care, good luck, and hope to follow your example soon! xx ninah

Original poster
glitterfairy · 27/10/2005 18:37

THanks guys he texted me today asking if I would like to talk so I responded by saying I would speak to him on the phone on Tuesday and to have a good weekend. He then texted back to say fine but he would like to speak to the kids and come round to collect stuff oh and that a bill was overdue! I then responded by saying he could phone the kids anytime and that I would text him tomorrow wiht an appropriate time when he could come and collect stuff.

He is still game playing but I have decided to respond slowly to each text or email and wait until I am calm to respond then to be calm and distant as ggg suggested and to be an adult about it all. If he comes to the house I am going to make sure the kids are not here and that someone is with me when he does. I think they have had enough at the moment and need some stability.

Yes ninah it is tiring and bloody but curiously I do feel relieved still. I have asked a good friend to come tinoght if he turns up!

OP posts:
ggglimpopo · 27/10/2005 19:47

Message withdrawn

Beetroot · 27/10/2005 19:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SenoraPostrophe · 27/10/2005 19:52

You're doing really well, glitter. all the best.

Original poster
glitterfairy · 27/10/2005 20:43

Thanks guys and Beety stop using everyone elses computers! LOL

OP posts:
winnie · 27/10/2005 20:46

glitterfairy, have no advice (am having sh*te time husbandwise at the moment myself) but wishing you lots of good wishes and strength to get through this. thinking of you.

screwyslittlegoblins · 27/10/2005 20:51

Glitterfairy thinking of you. What a brave step you've taken...good for you...no one deserves to live in an atmosphere of abuse.

BudaBabe · 27/10/2005 21:15

Best of luck - glad you can still rely on Relate for support.

Original poster
glitterfairy · 27/10/2005 22:49

THe nightmare continues though. He texted me today and I replied perfectly reasonably. He has now just rung. He is saying he is going for counselling and is going to give up other woman and then ended the call by being a bully again.

I feel threatened again and under attack. I know I have to hold out but it is so hard when he manipulates me so. Even when I am firm and say I told you my postition and I am sticking to it he seomhow twists it all. I had asked him not to phone me until Tuesday but he did. Oh GOd! I need to be strong so strong. He is in a hotel adn was asking me to sympathise with him. YUK!

OP posts:
Papillon · 28/10/2005 08:10

Sounds like a rather freaked out bully to me Glitter. You have removed his safety blanket and so he grasps at straws. I understand that makes you edgy and so it good you are staying calm and remote, because his fuse in a state of angst.

Your strength and centred approach is protecting you and being an excellent guide - so continue focussing on yourself, the love that exists there and so standing in front of fear and bullies will make them a decreasing element.

It is like the kids meditation in the book I showed your dd1... the bully, the monster gets smaller until you can pick it up and put it a safer, happier space in your life. X

ninah · 28/10/2005 09:14

can you screen your calls gf and just take his calls when agreed/as convenient to you?