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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It is all over with DH

246 replies

glitterfairy · 27/10/2005 03:32

THought I would start a new thread on this. I went to relate tonight and told DH I wanted a proper separation. He was also told by our counsellor that relate could no longer work with him until he had been on a course for abusive and violent men.

He reacted in kind by saying why didnt they recommend me to go anger management course and what about me owning up to my problems. In the end he left the session saying he would divorce me as soon as possible. At one point he said I should leave the house. When I said I would take the kids with me he said fine take them I pay the mortgage!

He has been a complete ass and frankly I need to move on. I feel strangely calm but know he will now exert financial control and his anger will be increased and directed at me. He cannot see that he has done anything wrong and still insists that when I called the police the other week because he attacked me I had lost perspective and control.

In the end I need to grieve for this relationship but move on.

OP posts:
winnie · 14/11/2005 19:25

Glitterfairy, glad you are feeling more positive and taking control. Be prepared for the fallout from x. You and your children deserve the stability this will eventually bring.

Original poster
glitterfairy · 14/11/2005 21:19

Fallout is happening now. He rang and told me he is ill with distress at all this and he is more sorry than I will ever imagine because he has hurt me so.

I told him I had seen the solicitor who would be writing to him and that his behaviours had consequences. We then talked things through a bit until he lost it when I said where he lived was neither my concern or my problem and that he had brought this on his own head.

I do think he wants to come back but at what cost to me? So much of me longs to have the good days back but that is unreal and will never happen. He did not make me happy and he has treated me worse than a dog he needs to understand that this behaviour is unacceptable and I will not tolerate it any longer. He is probably on the phone to her now telling her what a b*h I am well she will learn the hard way!

OP posts:
stressedmummy · 14/11/2005 21:26

Well done for being so strong glitterfairy!

Original poster
glitterfairy · 14/11/2005 21:32

Thanks sm how are you?

OP posts:
stressedmummy · 14/11/2005 21:53

I am ok ATM thanks, GF.
H has been out with his work friends today, so it has been lovely & peaceful!

Original poster
glitterfairy · 14/11/2005 21:54

It was ever thus! Mine is sulking now and not speaking maybe the reality is hitting home!

OP posts:
stressedmummy · 14/11/2005 22:10

Let him sulk!!! They don't like not getting their own way!!

LoveMyGirls · 14/11/2005 22:11

Keep going your doing so well, he doesnt deserve your sympathy he has most def bought it all on himself sounds like you're in love with the man u fell in love with and hes gone for good its so sad but now you are starting to move on. good luck x

Original poster
glitterfairy · 14/11/2005 22:24

You are so right LMG! The problem is I found the goals we had written for our relationship in a box last night and lookde at mine and his. This was before we were married but I had read the signs already and said I needed more loving than I sometimes got and wanted him to always remember to be kind to me! God this was before I married him! Mind you my three kids are worth it all and we have had some fantastic fun along the way amongst the hard times.

OP posts:
winnie · 16/11/2005 23:14

glitterfairy how is it going?

Original poster
glitterfairy · 18/11/2005 09:31

Well he has sent me to coventry for the week and finally rang this morning and was ok until he said he wanted my car for the weekend and I said no as the last time we swopped cars I found her stuff in the car. He then hung up on me.

He will get my new solicitors letter today which gives him until 4pm to respond so he will be in a really bad mood when I hand over the kids tomorrow but I am getting past caring now. I think it would be good if he would go to a solicitor because then he might realise what will hit him when we separate because as yet I dont think he imagines what can happen to him. He has also not rung the kids this week.

Yesterday my ds lost his temper really badly with our nanny and she resigned last night so my childcare has gone as well. He reminds me of his dad at times and I need to get him to understand that losing his temper will not work. I am feeling really low about it all today.

This weekend will be my first in the house without the kids but one of my friends is driving from Essex to be with me overnight! Anyway thanks for asking I am going out in the sunshine now to walk the dog and have a good think.

OP posts:
anorak · 18/11/2005 09:41

I really admire your firmness with him gf. A lot of women in your position would be bogged down by self-doubt after all the years of drip, drip, drip. You must have an enormously strong character to come out of it fighting like this.

More power to yer elbow girl!

Original poster
glitterfairy · 18/11/2005 10:20

THanks anorak I have some really good friends and my solicitor is fantastic. I have awful self doubt but am realising that it doesnt make me happy. After all my job is developing others and ensuring staff in the NHS stick up for themselves it would be awful if I couldnt take a little of my own medicine every now and then!

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winnie · 18/11/2005 11:05

glitterfairy, glad you are remaining strong despite all of his best efforts to crush you.

Try to enjoy your weekend.

ninah · 18/11/2005 12:03

yes, have a good one with your friend gf (us Essex girls are the tops!)

Original poster
glitterfairy · 20/11/2005 10:34

Well he has rung twice to be extremely nasty and nice alternating with reasonable and unreasonable. I cant stand it so am going to instruct my solicitor tomorrow morning as I need this settled.

My friend is appalled!

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winnie · 20/11/2005 15:51

glitterfairy, good for you & good luck. (I know it's not easy buy you have to do what is best for you and your children.

Original poster
glitterfairy · 20/11/2005 16:27

THanks winnie. I am just waiting for him to come and drop off the kids when he wants to talk and I am dreading it. I can never get what I want out properly and it always ends up badly! Cross your fingers for me.

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Jackstini · 20/11/2005 16:49

Hi GF - have been following this for a while and you are doing so well. Sounds like he is still being the immature di**head he was weeks and months ago. Same names, same games. Hope everything starts to really sort itself out for you now you have taken this big step. Also you have a great solicitor by the sound of it!. My sticky divorce was 6 years ago and I am so happy now with new life, new DH and baby on the way.
You can get thru this - wishing lots of strength & glad you have good friends and family around you

mandieb · 20/11/2005 19:03

Well I dont think its very nice of the nanny to quit with everything you are going through.

winnie · 20/11/2005 20:01

GF, have fingers crossed for you, hope it went better than expected x

Original poster
glitterfairy · 20/11/2005 20:15

It was awful. He begged and pleaded with me not to do it. He had been saying he had not been to a solicitor etc and at the end of the conversation it turned out that he has got one now and also that he rang my solicitor by the deadline she set on Friday but had decided to hassle me all weekend and not to mention it. When I called him a liar he said he wasnt just omitted to tell me!

He said it was all my decision that he was very very sorry and that if I went to war I would lose out too. After he went the kids told me that he ahd told them they would have to go to court to speak to a social worker and say how they wanted to live! Jesus is there no end to his lying! Apparently he had been speaking about it to them all the way home and trying to justify why he hit me with them saying he was lying too!

How mean to involve them like this! What a total st. Well I will ring my solicitor tomorrow to sort this out once and for all now. He is such a manipulative tr. His other classic was to say "I really really loved you more than anything in the world did you ever love me that way?" I told him to stop being silly and playing games. I am not going to drink this evening and know he is back with her having a great evening out. Oh and he also told me he would go out and buy my food and give me some spending money to help me.

Sorry about the muddled rant! Thanks for the support though. I am so

OP posts:
fairyfly · 20/11/2005 20:21

Hi glitter, sorry you're in the nastiness stages, i remeber working for you and you said, nah, don't get too upset it will work out, i thought you were naieve and mental, now i know you were right.

winnie · 20/11/2005 20:23

oh GF I am so for you!
B***d!
What vile games he plays (and with the children too).
No wonder you are so
This is not of your making. You are simply doing what needs to be done for the sake of you and your children. And what he has said about a social worker etc is a load of crap. Children are not put into positions where they have to make a decision (although their opinion, if they wish to voice it, is taken into account | which is not the same)
Horrid, horrid man.

As for the buying you food etc., big f*cking deal! Are you getting child support from him?
He is not doing you a favour, it is his responsibility to support his children.

Please take care of yourself GF, I know it is hard and one doesn't want to hear it but you are so much better off without him right now x

Original poster
glitterfairy · 20/11/2005 20:27

Thanks Winne and FF!

He is not paying me anything and has apparently told my solicitor he cannot sort a meeting out for three weeks. Not good enough he goes to court before then as everything is bouncing in my account and I cannot cope at all. I am buying everything on credit. He also said he had filled my car up for me but that I had used it for work whihc was unacceptable. He would fill it up again but I must use it for the kids and him. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!

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