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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

It is all over with DH

246 replies

glitterfairy · 27/10/2005 03:32

THought I would start a new thread on this. I went to relate tonight and told DH I wanted a proper separation. He was also told by our counsellor that relate could no longer work with him until he had been on a course for abusive and violent men.

He reacted in kind by saying why didnt they recommend me to go anger management course and what about me owning up to my problems. In the end he left the session saying he would divorce me as soon as possible. At one point he said I should leave the house. When I said I would take the kids with me he said fine take them I pay the mortgage!

He has been a complete ass and frankly I need to move on. I feel strangely calm but know he will now exert financial control and his anger will be increased and directed at me. He cannot see that he has done anything wrong and still insists that when I called the police the other week because he attacked me I had lost perspective and control.

In the end I need to grieve for this relationship but move on.

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Beetroot · 28/10/2005 09:29

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anorak · 28/10/2005 09:51

My ex used to get off on trying to make sure I cared in some way. If I didn't seem to he would use every tactic to try and make me - being ingratiating, bullying, losing his temper, anything to get a rise out of me.

In the end I developed a strategy. I used to put on an act of being friendly and concerned for him when inside I actually loathed him. When he came to collect the children I was friendly, chatty, sympathetic. It really appealed to his vanity and kept him calm. Then when the door was closed behind him my two fingers would go up at his back. It's not an ideal solution I know but it saved me from a lot of bullying and grief and gave me a feeling of having outwitted him, which helped me cope with the inevitable contact for collecting/bringing back children.

Beetroot · 28/10/2005 18:21

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Original poster

glitterfairy · 28/10/2005 19:53

Hi guys I did not answer his text today and told the kids that I would not speak to him on the phone when they rang him to say goodnight so have had a day off from him today in a way. Am not going to take any calls tonight and then if anyone leaves a message will ring them back.

Ninah am going to buy a phone which will screen calls my only problem is when the kids pick up.

Thanks paps am trying to remain calm as I realised that after a few minutes of speaking to him last night I was shaking all over and my teeth were chattering.

My sister has made me practice saying "Hello I am busy at the moment and will ring you back at the agreed time" every time he rings.

You are right Beets about him starting to realise he is losing me and also some of his relationship with the kids will alter. I am at a ballet festival all weekend which started today. I have been invited to a party tomorrow but cannot get a baby sitter! Oh well there will be others.

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Beetroot · 29/10/2005 09:43

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PottytheVampireSlayer · 29/10/2005 09:56

Glitter - not kept up with your threads but wanted to say that I'm thinking of you. It sounds like you know what you need to do - stay strong and look after you.

Take care.

Original poster

glitterfairy · 29/10/2005 18:33

No need to ask him for next week and he has already done some for me this week I dont want to wear him out.

DH appears to be leaving me alone at the moment. Hurrah!

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Beetroot · 31/10/2005 08:27

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Original poster

glitterfairy · 31/10/2005 09:40

Had DH on phone this morning. I put the phone down on him at one point. My solicitor has sent him a great letter today so hopefully he will now get some legal advice.

I am getting better at being assertive with him and not letting him bully me. He was on about finance and access to kids today. I told him I did not want him in the house without me being there nor did I want him here overnight again. He says he is homeless now (what has happened to her or his dad for that matter?) and that he wants to come home some nights a week without me here. I have said no and that being homeless is his problem.

I have agreed to meet him tomorrow in a public place for a half hour to discuss child issues. He wont have long so it will be ok and I can get someone to hang around nearby so that I can jsut walk out if I want.

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Original poster

glitterfairy · 31/10/2005 09:40

Had DH on phone this morning. I put the phone down on him at one point. My solicitor has sent him a great letter today so hopefully he will now get some legal advice.

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ninah · 01/11/2005 10:07

what time gf? good luck, stay strong. You have been doing so well
did you enjoy ballet festival? glad you are out and about, agree it really does help.
Hope for an update soon! x

Original poster

glitterfairy · 01/11/2005 11:58

12.30 in a minute starting to get a sinking feeling but have a friend near by so can walk out at any stage! Thanks Ninah!

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ninah · 01/11/2005 14:40

good luck will look on here to see how it went! I'm off a bit early today but will keep checking til then!

ninah · 01/11/2005 16:03

leaving shortly, will have a look tomorrow
hope all is ok gf!

Beetroot · 01/11/2005 16:05

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Original poster

glitterfairy · 01/11/2005 16:11

Nightmare he was in a right mood because he had just got my solicitors letter. He could hardly bear to look at me he was so angry. Anyway he then texted me after walking out to say sorry so I have sent him an email stating that he had been told there would be a letter there should have been no amazement and that it was very neutral and friendly.

I also said that whilst he was hurt and upset he shoudl behave himself and not become angry. Hope yours goes better ninah.

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Original poster

glitterfairy · 01/11/2005 16:12

Hiya Beets!

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Beetroot · 01/11/2005 17:04

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ninah · 02/11/2005 10:16

sorry gf
In a way this not totally bad news, I was more afraid he'd be super nice to you tbh, you know how dangerous that can be ...
sounds like you have been most dignified and sensible.
Had a scan last night, and got a hint it may be a GIRL! so pleased

Original poster

glitterfairy · 02/11/2005 22:56

Fantastic Ninah glad it is going well.

Beets will ring tomorrow on way to work. Looking forward to this.

Am contemplating whether I should let DH see kids at hoime this weekend because am worried that if he cant see them overnight (he says he is homeless) he will say I denied him access.

Unfortunately ninah since then he has apologised several times but when I rang him tonight I swear he was with someone else so he is obviously still with her and not homeless at all just pretending! Am feeling a bit miserable tonight about is all and fed up.

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ninah · 03/11/2005 13:26

Can dh take the children out somewhere this weekend gf? an overnighter doesn't sound a good idea, would be v stressful for you.
I don't think that given the background to this it would be considered reasonable for you to allow him in your home overnight, and if this is the only way of providing access then the onus is on him to create a suitable environment.
Why did you ring if that's not a rude q? were you having one of those moments when you still hope it all can be OK? x

Original poster

glitterfairy · 03/11/2005 19:59

Have spoken to my solicitor and I am allowing him to have the kids here for the weekend as a gesture of goodwill. He is also looking after them here on Monday and Tuesday night whihc will help as I am away.

I am putting a lock on my bedroom door so that I can have a bit of privacy and he cannot get in. He has not responded to my solicitors letter and she says if he conitnues to push this way he will push me into a divorce. He is playing silly buggers and actually suggested we stay in the house together on Sunday!

Anyway am meeting him for lunch tomorrow to discuss a parneting plan whihc I downloaded and I have said that if he is a bully or cannot be civil I will cut it short and walk out and our solicitors can sort it out.

As for phoning him LOL some of it is habit I always have when I ahd a problem it is hard to break that but some is so we can sort out the details as I hate leaving things to the last minute. I am a great planner.

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ninah · 04/11/2005 09:03

sounds like a plan gf! sounds to me like you're coping brilliantly with this surreal 'in-between' time and staying positive and in charge. Good for you. I think it's very hard to cope when the structures that have always been there change so radically, and there are children to stay strong for, you're doing a grand job. Hope lunch goes well for you today.

Original poster

glitterfairy · 04/11/2005 13:19

I am not going now ninah we had a bit of a row on the phone this morning. he wanted a letter from me saying I would allow him in the house! I told him not to be so silly. He was saying my solicitor had said he couldnt come in the house which is rubbish! he is being a plonker.

Anyway have now made arrangements to go out every day this weekend and keep him waiting on Sunday by going out for supper!

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ninah · 04/11/2005 15:14

sounds like you have busy weekend! enjoy ...

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