It is all over with DH

[glitterfairy]

THought I would start a new thread on this. I went to relate tonight and told DH I wanted a proper separation. He was also told by our counsellor that relate could no longer work with him until he had been on a course for abusive and violent men.

He reacted in kind by saying why didnt they recommend me to go anger management course and what about me owning up to my problems. In the end he left the session saying he would divorce me as soon as possible. At one point he said I should leave the house. When I said I would take the kids with me he said fine take them I pay the mortgage!

He has been a complete ass and frankly I need to move on. I feel strangely calm but know he will now exert financial control and his anger will be increased and directed at me. He cannot see that he has done anything wrong and still insists that when I called the police the other week because he attacked me I had lost perspective and control.

In the end I need to grieve for this relationship but move on.

Oh Winnie that is so true and every time he phones I get the shivers and can feel myself creeping back.

I think you are so right about being friends. In time it may happen but not now although everything in me is saying yes lets go to the cinema and do things together again but I know that I will give myself more not less pain and that he will use the opportunity to get me in a complete state. Last time he tried to kiss and hug me twice.

I have no trust any more and copied his mobile bill last night to prove to myself how often he rings her and how he was doing it whilst he was with me.

I replied to this earlier. I don't know why it isn't here... Maybe in my madness I didn't send

Glitterfairy, he is playing games. Be strong. The best favour you can do yourself is be your own best friend and everytime something happens you find hard to handle ask yourself it you were your best friend what would your advice be. I founf this makes me somewhat more rational when I am feeling anything but!

and we will support you gf
I am off to dad's this weekend, will check in if I get a chance but otherwise will look for you on Monday.
If we didn't care so much life would be a lot easier. But there WILL be an end to this, a good one.

He has been a complete shit this evening! he has let the kids down once again! he phoned me at 5.40 to say he could not collect them even though he had offered earlier. I drove to collect them crying and then he followed this with a phone call askign to work at home all weekend.

I have disconnected the phone and will not answer my mobile to him for tonight then tomorrow I will tell him to communicate via my solicitor. I have had enough!

I have drunk loads of red wine and have just phoned friends who are coming for a chinese tomorrow! They live in her village and will support me. The time has come for divorce I cannot go on like this any more. he will say I instigated it and he didnt want it but so be it. I will not allow him to make my kids into pawns in his sad games!

well done gltterfairy

waht is it with your H saying YOUVE instigated the divorce???
hes gone off with someone else

mine is the same - said last night didnt want to go down thedivorce route yet
why not?
hes with HER

I can get a divorce within 6 mths cos of adultery and to be honest, I think after last night I may well do

enjoy your chinese tonight !!

THats it Mrs M I think they can both say we did it to them then and not we were b***ds and we deserved it. Your H will probably do what mine did and say we can make it work in some years time we just need a holiday!

Spent the early hours writing all his abuse down for my solicitor and crying because it all sounded so pathetic and I could believe I had put up with throwing plates and glasses and stuff for so many years. Writing about his anger and the use of it to control me was awful but strangely like getting it out of my system for now anyway. I have also sent her links to some of his porn sites to show her what he has left on a computer the kids use and a breakdown of his treatment of the kids including hitting my son round the head.

I think the gloves need to come off. I am sure he will treat it that I went off first and it is all my fault. He will also use all of this to demonise me but hopefully people who know me well will know it isnt true.

I have texted him to say do not come here this weekend but think he will pretend not to have got my text if I know anything about it so will have to pluck up the courage to ring him.

Will enjoy my chinese as the woman who is coming has been through some of this as well and is now really happy with someone else.

Message withdrawn

thinking of all you girls
hope you are all ok and keep ya chins up
xxx

Thanks ggg and doormat.

He phoned to harrass me about decisions this morning why hadnt I taken ds to dyslexia so I said because we had a chat and decided as a family not to go. SO he asked again and I repeated it and then he asked again so I repeated it and finally he gave up and tried money. We have a blocked drain so he was using it as an excuse to come over today. I said I would sort it. Then I texted him to say it was sorted.

He then spent ages telling me off and saying he would do it so I said no and that I didnt want him at the house this weekend. When he started on I must not write a cheque without agreeing it first I said tell that to my solicitor and put down the phone. I felt liberated but somehow sad. I know he will use this to call me all the names under the sun but hey ho.

In the end I must be the grown up ggg he is a child really and she wont leave him because she has been on her own waiting after her husband left her for another woman for 6 years! So she will be grateful to him at least.

Glitterfairy, it is only natural that you feel sad. He is still trying to control you and yes he will react badly when you take back that control. Tough for him. Good on you for instigating things. I hope he does stay away this weekend and I hope you enjoyed your friends visit

Thanks winnie I did they ahd some brilliant ideas and were great fun! I have been very very strong today and although I know it wont last I am going to be tomorrow as well a day at a time!

One day at a time is a good way to approach it. Probably the only way for a while.

I am glad you had such a good time with your friends.

I think I've decided to go to the cinema on my own today. (I usually like going to the cinema on my own) but today it feels a bit sad. I am also going to do some xmas shopping. I should be packing but am having real problems getting started! I don't know why I've always loathed this house and will be so glad to be out of here. Tonight we are having a belated firework party at my Mums as she is out of hospital again (although she will be watching from her bed in the dinning room ) I am dreading it for so many reasons; putting on a brave face; having to face people and answer questions (if one more person asks me if there is anyone else in h's life?????); not getting upset because I don't want Mum getting upset... It will also be the first family thing that we've done without him and he is going to be dropping ds off there. Feel sick thinking about it... have vowed to limit alcohol consumption as I know two women in the throng are going to wind me up mercilessly trying to get juicy gossip but am going to go (for Mum an dthe children) and enjoy the day first. Trying to think of something to buy Mum but never know what

OH hun. It is those things which are so awful. I have just made my first Christmas cake without him for 17 years. The kids all had a wish and I know what it was they wanted. It is weird how sad a song or just a word can make you feel.

This is an awful time of year for this to happen as it is ful of memories, putting up the decs and the actual day itself. I am having a party at New Year and am going round with invites now.

Hang on in there we will get there in the end and I am sure be happier.

Hi Glitterfairy, just want you to know that I've been following your thread and I think you're doing really really well. Are you coming to the Christmas meet-up, I hope so as I'm really looking forward to seeing you.

Hi anorak thanks for that! I am trying to be strong and brave about this. Yes I am coming although Beets is being horrid about sharing a room and going on about me snoring!

I need to organise child care though as DH should be on that weekend but is filming now! Look forward to seing everyone.

Great, I'm saving a big hug for you. x

Thanks Glitterfairy.

I did the christmas cake thing the week after he finished it and in the middle wondered wht the hell i was doing as ds and dd don't actually like xmas cake!

The party was ok... the children enjoyed it and so did mum, I took on the responsibility for the bonfire so was able to avoid things somewhat although I swear people treat me differently because I'm single. I swear people think it is a tiny thing to happen, you'll get over it and it's no big deal!

Felt ok until this morning and today I just feel all outrage and despair again

((((((hugs to the people)))))

Winnie I reckon not only will people will treat you differently, but you feel different being single. You are more your own entity and individual.

Glitter, I have a beautiful natural hot pool and waterfall for you in the Yurt... come bask

Papillion, I think what angers me is people treat em as if I have the plague!

hello gf you sound like you're doing brilliantly and he's totally floored by you (hence all the game playing)
Keep going! you WILL come out into daylight
and respect to you for Xmas cake and New Year's party
I think it might be microwaves at ours this year ...

Hi Guys saw my wonderful solicitor this morning and we are sending him a forthright letter spelling out his responsibilities and what I want in reagrds to finance and access. We are asking him not to come to the house again unless to pick up the kids and not for work any more.

She really set my mind at rest as I have been scared of him leaving me in the lurch financially and also with the kids as he keeps talking about joint residency. He cant have it and I have sent my solicitor all the links to his porn which she says are really nasty.

We are asking him to respond to this letter by the middle of next week and if he doesnt (he didnt repsond to the last one) then I am going to take him to court the week after.

As I said I wanted to give this all time and let things settle down but my solicitor says I am now a bit of a nervous wreck and this is making me ill so we need to sort it out once anc for all. I have tried really hard not to be adversarial and to give him space to ask to come home with grace and humility (this is what he really wants we both think and I am not saying I would take him back but at least we could talk ) he is not going to do it and now he needs to be told what his responsibilities really are.

hugely WELL DONE!
your solicitor sounds fab. and it's true, this 'unclear' stage must be bad for you.
Keep going gf!

THanks ninah. How are you?

OK really thanks, just plodding on, getting pretty tired with preg.
Ds and I away this weekend visiting dad. P had made supper when I got back but then got all irritable about my untidiness. I am rapidly losing all feeling for him. Roll on New Year and I hope it will be a better one for all of us in this particular boat x

It will I am sure. I feel that this year was dreadful and at least next is a fresh start. Even sad I think I will be better off in the long run and will always have my wonderful kids who are a real blessing!