It is all over with DH

[glitterfairy]

THought I would start a new thread on this. I went to relate tonight and told DH I wanted a proper separation. He was also told by our counsellor that relate could no longer work with him until he had been on a course for abusive and violent men.

He reacted in kind by saying why didnt they recommend me to go anger management course and what about me owning up to my problems. In the end he left the session saying he would divorce me as soon as possible. At one point he said I should leave the house. When I said I would take the kids with me he said fine take them I pay the mortgage!

He has been a complete ass and frankly I need to move on. I feel strangely calm but know he will now exert financial control and his anger will be increased and directed at me. He cannot see that he has done anything wrong and still insists that when I called the police the other week because he attacked me I had lost perspective and control.

In the end I need to grieve for this relationship but move on.

Staying with dad and meeting up wiht friends around where I live! Three nights out and a lunch. Will be knackered.

Have to see dh tonight but feeling ok about that now I have told him where to go. In the end he will lose out as I will just say if you want to talk to me do it through my solicitor.

OK, gf?

NO has been crap ninah how about you? Is your dh still behaving? Mine is now surfing divorce sites and winding me up something shocking to the extent that I phoned him late last night sobbing! MUST NOT DO THAT AGAIN!

By the way ggg I have carried out your toothbrush vengeance!

oh dear gf yes I saw about that on Mrs M's thread. It seems to be he is not so much surfing divorce sites, as wanting you to KNOW he's surfing divorce sites - just another way of provoking you. So what if he is anyway? you are doing it properly, taking legal advice not web hopping! just another way in which you're the stronger one, if only you can see it.
Don't beat yourself up about the phonecall. It's a difficult time for you, bound to react sometimes!
What is the toothbrush vengeance? clean the loo with it or something? intrigued ....
Sorry to hear you are having a low patch. It's a long haul, sadly, with children etc, you can't just pack up all those years of family life and move on ... but it WILL get better.
We are still in limbo, p has been making more effort but leading semi-detached lives which is a strain and can't continue indefinitely. Just focussing on Xmas and baby for time being ..
Chin up xxxxxx

THanks ninah am really having a hard time have just had a fight with dh over family time. He says I am not being a grown up we can still be friends and go out with the children together.

It is such a nightmare because he makes me feel like I am in the wrong all the time. He is being nice suggesting we all go out together on his weekend and talking about making things better for me so that we can have a great friendship. When I say no it makes me seem like a bitter angry hag who is too childish to be friends and do things as a family. When I say we are not a family you are with another woman he says well i will introduce her to the kids then and be a family with her!

Aggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh. I cannot win and am crying half the time and so out of control. I am doing stupid things which end up hurting me and I know I am still punishing myself.

Glitterfairy, you are not a bitter, angry hag: you are trying to protect yourself. Who can play happy families at a time like this? Your h is being a manipulative prck... (sorry) but he wants the world to think he is trying and being a 'good guy' but he is not. Saying he will be a family with her* is just pathetic mind games.
Is there any way you can have less contact with him?

GF have been lurking and hoping things would come upwards for you soon.
When I met you at Beetys summer party I thought you were fabulous, witty, clver and very friendly.
Very sad to hear of all this unhappiness in your marriage.
Could you just maybe say in a nice calm voice that it's a little too early for you to be jolly time friends with him, but that you hope in the future it's possible, and could he respect your feelings for the timebeing.
Watching the nasty dismemberment of my parents marriage with custody disputes, emotional blackmail and so forth, gave me a perspective that to pursue the most peaceful end as possible whenever possible, even if it means literally biting your tongue and hand off to stop yourself.
Easy to say though I know, he sounds like a very diffcult man to deal with....

gF your ex sounds like a manipulative spiteful little pissant.

he's playing games gf - don't get drawn in! of course you can't be best friends atm. He is using his 'girlfriend' as a stick to beat you with, when all this is over I'd be surprised if they are still together.
The feelings you still have for him make it a lot less black and white, I do empathise. try to stay cool and businesslike as far as you can.

THanks guys you have all made me feel so much better. I guess the good thing is that the kids know he is manipulating them too. Last weekend he asked my ds 9 when she could be a member of the family and said she has a really great garden. Ds said DAds trying to bribe me.

Last night also found some really awful porn on the desktop which the kids use asked him about it and he eventually owned up to it.

I have emailed my solicitor and need to just take the decision that he will make me look bad and it will look like he is the nice guy to some people but those who know me wont believe him in the end. Whenever I talk about separation he says things like if that is what you want! He has done this though! I need to remember that.

Piffle thanks for that!

Winnie he phones and texts me all the time and I am now going to ask my solicitor to tell him to stop. He even phoned today to say he had brought me some dishwasher stuff!

there is no WAY you talk to a 9 year old like
that
There is no WAY you leave porn around children
There is NO WAY anyone with any nous will see your h as the 'good guy'. For a start, people are too busy with their own lives to judge as much as we fear they will. This is one more fear he holds over you. Be strong and keep on as you are, YOU know you're doing right by your children, and so do they.
And screen your calls! xx

Love the sound of your kids GF, they sound very clued up and mature about things.
God he sounds like such a deviant arese
Well rid or what?
My brothers and I successfully saw off both of our parents new partners time after time. All power to the kids

LOL Pifle for what its worth I dont think she will last long not just because of the kids but because of him as well. He says he only did it for vengeance on me and whenever push comes to shove he always puts her last just exactly as he did to me.

Ninah you are right I spoke to my solicitor this evening who says she will look over my case and give me a judgement on Monday as to whether or not I should start proceedings against him! Feel weird about this but have to stop my life from deteriorating more and more.

Will buy a phone over the weekend with whihc to screen calls as I have opened my own bank account to stop him controlling finance and now have access to some cash! Last weekend he stopped me spending anything at all even on food.

Taking back control GF - nice move

You are doing really well glitterfairy & being really brave. Well done.
Thinking of you.xx

Hiya stressedmummy have been thinking of you as well. He just phoned and was nice until he asked if I had written any cheques and told me I didnt need anything as he had just brought me some dishwasher powder. Suddenly he has become Mr Domestic! Too late and why?

Dishwasher powder???!!
I posted here under my original name a while back, as I found out today!
You are doing so well & are a real inspiration to me!

Thanks stressedmummy! I must say I dont feel very inspirational at all just tired.

Yes he bought me a kettle for my birthday as well. He has been quiet this evening and not phoned so am feeling better. It is strange that when he is around I miss him most!

Glitterfairy, thinking of you x

ah, he's buying you dishwasher powder and a kettle he's really spoiling you, girl
Keep going! maybe you can get him a nice chamois for the car for Xmas to show no hard feeling lol
when was your b'day btw?

I hope he remembers to get you kettle descaler for Xmas

You are inspirational I am inspirational

Go at a pace that keeps you and the kids first. He sounds abit erratic and dogmatic at the same time - which will be hard on him also because he is having problems steering straight. I am sure he misses you too. Take your time with friendship, they are steps closer and further away, you will feel it at the right time in yourself (((hug)))

Thinking of you

THanks Paps!

Also winnie. As for you Ninah LOL! not sure he would know what to do with it.

Paps I think you are right but the friendship thing is not ok with me at the moment. Friends give as well as take and he is taking all my energy. If I see the solicitor on Monday and assert my rights he will stop all freindship in any case. He is not treating us (me and the kids)well nor is he treating her well (not that I really care about that but she was a so called friend).

Glitterfairy, h wants us to be 'friends' too... I pointed out to him that friendship involves trust and honesty and as far as I am concerned he has neither Since then he has been avoiding me. I have decided in my own head its over now but I am feeling pretty crap really... making a decision isn't the same as accepting it or feeling better about it