It is all over with DH

[glitterfairy]

THought I would start a new thread on this. I went to relate tonight and told DH I wanted a proper separation. He was also told by our counsellor that relate could no longer work with him until he had been on a course for abusive and violent men.

He reacted in kind by saying why didnt they recommend me to go anger management course and what about me owning up to my problems. In the end he left the session saying he would divorce me as soon as possible. At one point he said I should leave the house. When I said I would take the kids with me he said fine take them I pay the mortgage!

He has been a complete ass and frankly I need to move on. I feel strangely calm but know he will now exert financial control and his anger will be increased and directed at me. He cannot see that he has done anything wrong and still insists that when I called the police the other week because he attacked me I had lost perspective and control.

In the end I need to grieve for this relationship but move on.

Incredible!

He even uses money to try and control you rather than support his children. He is in for one nasty surprise. The CSA demand 15% of income from absent parents for one child so that is the minimum of your entitlement from him. And how dare he tell you what you are allowed to use any money he provides

Onwards and upwards GF, it will be worth it.

it's hard, i couldn't do it, but my final solution and hapiness came from letting all the things i wanted him to do, go. I know you have been together for years and years and years and i don't know shit, you can pull that card. From an amatuer prospective, let him be. Find your independance and own self, You were craving for that anyway.

I don't mean you should not get money etc off him, for this to work though you have to detatch yourself from his relationships. He has hurt you, you weren't happy with him though, you showed that through your eagerness to find other things.

remember throughout all of this, you needed an end, it is the start of the journey to make you find the thing that brings happiness.

I agree Ff which is why I am going to divorce him in order to at least get the practical stuff sorted.

He cant even give me money to live on at the moment and so I will have to tell my solicitor to sort it out. He game plays and pushes all my buttons and leaves me so cross and I need to get past that. I realised that all the time he was talking to me I was shaking.

Just to add that if there were any question of a contact or custody battle, and CAFCASS became involved, all this emotional blackmail used on the children would be relevant stuff that they would take very seriously indeed. That's what happened to me, and I succeeded in having my dds' dad stopped from all contact. The CAFCASS officer concerned took a very dim view of all his mind games. So keep records.

GF - I am so for you. 3 weeks til he can be bothered to have a solicitor meeting! Hmmm obviously this issue must be sooooo important to him then.....
You are right to get your solicitor to sort out the money more you - you and your children have to have something to live on - that is way more important than him spending it on going out with her. He has got such a cheek too telling you how to spend what he gives - more control freak behaviour. Do write down everything the children repeat that he has said, it will show how innappropriately he speaks with them.
Ooooh you are so on the way up!!

Glitterfairy, how are you doing today? Thinking of you.

Hi Guys thanks for the support had a bad day. I was so angry about the kids as ds woke up crying even though he slept in my bed that I phoned him to rant and lost it. THen went in to work where my solicitor rang to say dh had sent an email saying please dont let glitter divorce me for the sake of our three little ones who will lose out!

Unfortunately then burst into tears at work and was a bit pants until I came home and in the car my ds said "do you know mum,I think this new life with you may be better than when we were all together." I nearly cried again. Bless him he is trying so hard to be strong. I then came home to put a wash on and found dh had left me some washing! Have put it in a plstic bag as had thought about binning it but then decided to be a grown up.

Eldest dd then said she wondered why dh had a new email address as all the emails she had seen on it over the weekend were to new woman and there were hundreds of them. I then started a swear jar where every time I make a horrible comment about dh I put 50p in for a treat for us all! I said I couldnt start one for her as I was too cross. I am going to try to tone down my anger though. DD said how she couldnt talk to dh as he got cross with her when he didnt agree. Poor things this is all so painful for them.

I am keeping a contact diary as he says he will fight me on access and residency. Maybe when he sees a solicitor she will tell him not to be so silly!

Found out his car is no longer insured today so was well behaved and emailed him to say so. THe kids have made me feel better already and we have had a nice evening together. Small steps are being taken and I am seeing my solicitor tomorrow morning to sort this out once and for all. I feel bad hating dh so much but a friend said hate the behaviour not the person and that made it all seem much much better.

Glitterfairy, I am sorry you've had such a sh*t day. Your children sound so well grounded

I think being angry is actually quite constructive. Don't be hard on yourself.

Take care, Winnie

Another shit day! He has said yes to divorce and allowing me to be the one to sort it out. Apparently my behaviour has been as unreasonable as his. He is also now alleging all kinds of things about me which are untrue and saying he wants joint residency and care of the children over my dead body!

He is not going to pay me anything because this has made him ill and he may not be able to work! I am beginning to really really hate him!

I sat the kids down to tell them tonight and they said yes dad told us at the swimming pool in the changing rooms! That is going in my diary now!

He is an unbelievable pig!

Glitterfairy, I am sorry. He is indeed a pig. What he is doing to you is beyond the pale, what he is doing to your children is appallingly manipulative. I am afraid I've no advice. I have simply come to the conclusion that however much one thinks one knows someone you never really know what they are capable of until times like these

Child Pawn.... he should not use them in this way. You must be livid!

You divorcing him is a positive thing. I felt very in control doing it that way.
But be prepared for each time a letter arrives through your door from his solicitor in response - those were the times I flipped the most - the manipulative language in letters screwed me up more than my ex's manipulation of my kids, because he'd used a professional and big words to piss me off!

I don't think they'll give him joint residency if he has no income! He's just saying that about not working to spite you and the courts have seen it all before. It's hardly in the children's best interests. He just hasn't thought it through.

Don't worry. Just stick to your guns and be a squeaky clean parent!

I am talking to the kids now

LOl I know paps I have just told ds to behave!

I think they will have a problem wiht him in any case because of his manipulative behaviour and also because of his violence to me and ds in the past! ANyway I hope so although there have been some scarey threads on here about men getting more residency even when the kids dont want it.

My solicitor says that she thinks he wants the house most and then the kids along with it and to see me on the streets.

Cripes thats vindictive behaviour. Perhaps you had better wash his clothes for him... in a yellow dye wash... to represent his yellow faced tatics!

Yes your ds is such a boy! lol Just told your dd about Whirling dervishes

Yes he has just been told off for being rude to you and using bad language! I think he thought you were a 9 year old as well. I may have to teach him some internet etiquette! He needs a haircut as well!

Oh good for him to be abit rebellious atm!! I am not offended.. I could have let rip with some good kiwi lingo... but as he is 9 and with longish hair... don´t want to curl up his ends... would not go down well at school. hee hee!

He is always rebellious, it runs in the family!

Just had another phone call from xh! OOOOOh that felt good calling him that! He wants 50 50 care of the kids and is not prepared to tell me how! He also wants to sell the house! Says he has no money either! Oh God he is a w**r when I told him about being manipulative with the kids he said he didnt believe me and they were fine!

Message withdrawn

THanks essbee! Hope you are doing ok and things have looked up for you. I would just like my hair to stop falling out!

I have forwarded and contact and access diary to my solicitor alongside the emails from my dd and one I sent dh saying he could have access whenever he liked.

He rang me last night and when I asked him about some of his allegations against me said he was not responsible for what his solicitor said. He also claimed I had denied him his rights as a father and to our house. un bloddy believable. I will not be speaking to him again now unless through the solicitors as it is too awful.

god gf so sorry it's the hard part atm, please keep your spirits up keep going and dont let the bastd grind you down! xx

Stick to your guns GF - you are right not to be drawn into his pettyness - he is pathetic the way is using the kids.
The more you rise above it the more empowered you will feel. Reading all the postings from other MNs and can literally feel their pride in you - well done!

THanks guys. I really think this is all about the money. His fight for equal sharing of the children is so sudden as he has never wanted it. Am tempted to say ok have them for a week and see what happens but am not going to until I know he will be working hard. At least then I can say I offered when cafcas asks.

and when it's about money, that means its about power! the last stick left to beat you with
Also the access, the last desperate threats to hurt you with
You will get a fair deal through the legal system which you and the children can live on. Don't let him frighten you!