Lundy Bancroft

[exhausted2011]

Feel like I need a bloody great highlighter pen, and then throw the thing at DH.
Reading this on the tube, open mouthed. Unbelievable. About 95% is spot on.
I can't help him can I?

hmm yes my exP from euro country has lived here for years but always complaned about the weather the this the that etc. "xxx it's better" everything works better is ebtter (it isnt but ...)

whatever the reason tho - whether bdp or ??? it's no excuse and you dont have to put up with it any more...

but if bpd like then unless he suddenly accepts he ahs issues he will blame you still etc -is v hard to not get dragged down even after separating.

My sister is here at the moment, whenever I am with my family I am reminded how normal things can be. No moaning or huffing and puffing, just being nice to each other.
I'm going to ask him for a separation. See how he takes to my amateur diagnosis and get him to get some professional help, but in the meantime I dont want to live with him.

Morning Exhausted, be prepared that your H probably won't accept and give up and there could be a barrage of idiotic threats ( the kind of stuff I listened to when I told him I was divorcing him was ridiculous ). At the time I did not know about MN and think it really could have helped me.

You have resources, knowledge, support here, and family. Just stick to your guns, don't get dragged into silly debate and tell him he needs help but let him get it himself don't assist him. Look after yourself first.

Yes merrywidow, I think it will take a long time to convince him, he will be in denial.
But I think that's my bargaining power really.

this is your problem, get help with it, or I am out of this marriage, and in the meantime I don't want to live with you.
So he can go and be in denial somewhere else!

I wouldn't spend too much effort trying to convince him. You have a limited amount of energy, and you need to focus on looking after yourself and your dcs. If he then decides to go and change, fine, you can consider what to do next.

But the risk is that you spend all that precious energy trying to persuade him of the need to change, and believe me, this can take years of your precious time when all your focus is still on him (even with the hope that there will be an ultimate payoff for him).

well he's home for one day at the weekend, and we have friends down then. so not going to discuss then.
then he is away for a week.
so will get my ducks in a row for then

i dont think discussing is a good idea - just decide what you want to do and do it. present whatever your plan is a a fait accompli.

I've been here, am still here. Read Lundy Bancroft book and it all resonated with me. I cried and cried and now I feel depressed sometimes to the point of absolute madness. He found the book one day and it all kicked off. He was pointing out that I was the "controlling one" I was the "abusive" one etc you get the picture. Well I did stand up to him. Told him it was over in my head and he begged and pleaded and I still told him I wasn't interested and to leave me a alone. He looked scared then. He looked really worried. He kept trying to reason with me and I kept telling him no.He looked pathetic. I pitied him.

Then he wormed his way back into my head. Again. Agreeing to go to counselling or the usual whatever it takes.

I feel like I will never get free. I sometimes feel maybe I can't cope without his "good side" when he helps out when my illness is taking over and I need him to be there for the kids. Even though he does nothing much with them except sits there watching tv while they play around him. He does get their dinner during these periods where I am too exhausted to move but he leaves the house in a total mess for me to clean up when I have the energy to move again . He won't ask am I ok. He won't show me any empathy unless he has an underlying motive and we all know what that is. He has been unemployed for a long time now has become lazy and doesn't exercise and has become unattractive to me.
He said last night half jokingly as in he tried to pretend it was jokingly that he wanted sex tonight. I ignored him and went to bed anyway and woke up middle of the night and he was in spare room. He got up this morning then and took out his irritable mood on one of the kids.
He knows I am depressed and because of his want for sex massaged me and cuddled me to relieve the tension as he put it. Then I suppose he felt it was owed to him and I just said whatever.
I sat here the other night in the kitchen crying and then went up to bed at 9pm and stared at the ceiling. I am taking sleeping tablets to get me through the night. Even that isn't helping anymore though as I seem to be immune to them.
I don't know what I want or am able to do I know 90% of me wants him to just leave my life and I don't want this feeling anymore. I feel empty and numb. Sometimes lately I've felt suicidal. I feel weak emotionally like the life has been drained of me. I'm back to feeling like walking on eggshells wondering when the next blow out will be. He doesn't even have to be verbally abusive to stress and upset me. He will dictate to me that my parents shouldn't be so involved with our kids or constantly make snide remarks about my family and friends the little friends I have left because of him.

I have read so many threads on here that advise to leave but thats not a possibility for me financially, situationally or otherwise. I wish he would but then I am terrified I won't cope as I have MS.

I have started to just feel so hopeless that nothing will ever change for me and the stress and depression are becoming so bad now that I feel like I'm going out of my mind. I hope you don't mind but I just needed to get that out.

Sorry to hijack your thread exhausted. It just struck a chord with me. I have tried to get him to leave too and he just refuses point blank. His latest is laying claim to the double bed in the the main bedroom because how dare I decide where he should sleep in his own house. Yes. The one he doesn't pay anything towards.

oh Breakfree, I'm so sorry.
you need to see your GP, for support for you.
for depression and respite for your MS.
Can your family help, have you talked to them?

I don't have that cos he really doesn't contribute to the parenting at all. And I do everything in the house as well, so I know I could cope without him.

I know he will turn it back on me and say I am the abusive one. He already says things like, "well you're the one who is shouting" "you always have a go at me" " i cant do anything right"
That's all when I stand up for myself.

It all sounds so familiar

Can you talk to Women's Aid, Breakfree? They won't force you to do anything you don't want to do, they will listen sympathetically, and they may just be able to make some suggestions about practical help.

My ex often told me I was the abusive one too. I was being "controlling" for daring to protest when he emptied our joint bank account (and I was the only one earning at that point too). You can't win those arguments, so don't engage. Otherwise you're endlessly bogged down into finding the line of argument that will finally make him see sense, and it's just another energy-suck. Decide on your course of action and then do it. He's not suddenly going to become a reformed character and agree with you.

We all get told we are abusive when we start standing up for ourselves against abusive Ps.

breakfree I don't know what to suggest, WA seems as good a place to start. Ask if you can call the police to ask to remove him, as he IS causing you harm? Is your home rented/mortgaged?

Breakfree -hope you are OK. Please hve hope. Use baby steps to get to where you need to be .

Can I just hover here for a while? Don't want to start a thread, my story is too ffing dull to warrant one. I just need a bit of, ... what?I dunno, hand holding, reassurance, stuff like that.

OK 'H' is in his country, been there since late Feb or thereabouts. I call him for DS every other week. DS doesn't ask to speak to him, I'm trying to keep it going, out of duty. Cos he's his dad. I sure as hell don't want to talk to him. I just want him to vanish...

He texted me today, during the day to ask me to call him to speak. I sent a text back saying not at home, DS off sick anyway, speak soon. bloody text didn't get there did it. so i got another text just now, saying if you won't call me/text me then I'll understand it's all over. And a voice mail (thank GOD for orange and it's crappy signal in my house! ) saying the gap between us is widening.

this is designed to make me scurry back. He always uses it if he's not getting what he wants, and in this case it's contact with me, and wanting to discuss Us, and probably asking if He is expected to move on with his life, which to me means get another woman...

I want to end it, but I'm scared what it'll mean for DS. I'm scared what it'll mean about the money he owes me. I don't want to be beholdened to him for years. I want to be free of him, but not if it costs me as much as that.

I just texted back saying I was out all day, DS had a tummy bug (true) I'd got it now (also true) was asleep and not able to talk about US at the moment, and just to please leave things as they are for now.

Like I said, not sure what I'm asking here, if anything, but have no-one else to talk to about this. I;m upset and I don't know why, fear? of him? wish he'd just leave me alone to recover? he scared me so much when I realised how totally fucked up he was. I don't know him. I wish I'd never met him. I'm such a ffing idiot for getting into this so deep.

I'm going to try and sleep, it'll all be better in the morning, if anyone has any words, thoughts, opinions I'd be so very grateful.

How much is the money he owe you Hissy, could you just say fuck the money? ; tell him its finished between the two of you and you don't want to discuss it anymore, the ONLY thing he needs to discuss with you is DS and contact arrangements

Too much to say fuck it to, that's for sure.

If he chooses to stiff me on it and not repay me, nothing I can do about it, but I'm not going to be able to say 'I don't want it' Added to this it's MINE.

I'llsee how far I can get without the discussion, but if I have to, I have to.

Pisses me off that the old panic buttons are still there. I need a bit more time and I think they'll weaken. they better bloody had!

Hissy, you don't sound too good.
I know how you feel. Life is all good and then they phone or text and it brings you right back down.
So is he still thinking that you can sort things out? or is that just his way of keeping in contact.
How come he owes you money? Will he be able to pay it back, is he working?

No, I wobbled. annoyed with myself about it, but it's so soon, i suppose.

I have no idea what he thinks, I really don't. The last time he spoke to me he said we'd take a break and then he'd come back . The very idea makes me feel sick. I don't know if he just doesn't get it or if he does, but is clinging to control.

Money is proceeds from a flat I used to own in UK. It's tied up in a large property in Egypt which was taken to recover costs from a business deal settlement

Have you any possibility of legal redress to get the money?

Without knowing your H, I'd be inclined to say that it doesn't make much difference whether you finish it or not in terms of the payment. If he has any honour, he'll repay, if he doesn't, he won't.

Do what's best for your own mental health.

And the wobbles will lessen over time - consider them aftershocks of the earthquake you've been through.

Hissy, have you seen a solicitor?
from what I have learned, all that money stuff can be sorted out by them. ie, that money he owes you could be taken off the value of the house

Hello all. Well to make matters worse. His daughter from a previous relationship who is 14 was raped last week and I found myself having to be his emotional support for a few days. I felt so sorry for him and he was so grateful for the support but as soon as he got over the shock a few days later he was back to being himself again. I had a pretty bad week with pain and exhaustion and most days needed to be in bed as I could barely move and he accused me of being selfish because of what HE was going through. Did he not think I was going through it as well? I watched that child grow up too even though she is not mine she is part of my family she is my childrens sibling. He has been moping around the all week with a face on him. I try to get him to talk but if I try he soon turns it into anger directed towards me. For example a simple "chat" at the table the other night ended in me getting up and walking out because an advert for a film came on the tv and he started angrily saying he supposed I'd watch that just so I could drool over the actor in it. I knew where it was heading so I got up and left. Its little things like that. Jealousy. Control. He tells me to tell my parents not to call unnanounced. He complains constantly to me about them. He can't stand them and yes they can be a little overbearing but not with any malice intended. Its just the way they are and they worry about me.
He sees I am in severe pain and he huffs and sighs because he has to do dinner or look after the kids while I need to lie down in a ball. He doesn't tell me not to go lie down. He just rolls his eyes or brings it up two days later to attack me over how little I do around the house or to highlight how GREAT he is and I give him no thanks.Then he rants at me for making excuses for not having sex because I am too in pain. He constantly goes on about what I "used" to be like.
I am the only one who actually does any housework. I've been up since 5am this morning because of the pain and I've brought the kids to school and been back to do the housework while he is still lying in bed up there and I'm still in agony but if its not done it won't get done. I am trying so hard to be understanding through this difficult time for him but at the same time I am remembering times he never supported me through difficult times. I feel guilty and selfish but I can't help the pain and the depression
He wants me to go with him to see his daughter over Easter (also a flight or long train trip away) and all I want to do is run the opposite way at the moment. Is that bad? My friend wants me to come visit her which would involve a flight too which I don't even think I could afford but I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm going insane.

Thanks for reading

Nickname you are right, I'll not sweat it. he is what he is, he'll see his DS or not, it's not my concern. On my good days, I do think that he will repay me, he has always said he will.

I have my mother bailing on me at the moment too. She is actively avoiding talking to me, in case i mention something about being emotionally distressed, has said she'd take DS whenever I'd need her to so I can work, now she rang me telling me that perhaps she might not be able to cover all the dates I need. I am totally under the kosh. May need to have a chat with the child minder a few doors down. I'll hold it against mum for a good while if it comes to that, I can tell you.

Breakfree, you poor love. You know he's abusive, you know he's taking advantage, and you know he either has to ship up (not going to happen) or ship out.

Are you under Pain Management care? forgive me, I can't recall what your condition is, I'm sure you mentioned it previously somewhere.

Of course you feel anguish for his DD, anyone with a heart would. I feel for her, the poor lamb, I hope she has lots of support around her.

Your parents are your parents and if you don't have any problems with you, and they are keen to help and involve themselves in your life, then honey you need to tell H that he can like it or lump it. That you are not going to bin them off for him. Even I wouldn't bin my less than supportive parents for a bloke, not even right this minute.

Please get help, get advice and get rid of him. I'll be willing to bet once he is gone from your environment, your physical pain will lessen as a result.

why is HE still in bed? get his sorry arse out to take the DC to school at the very least, then it gives you a chance to get your head straight and/or get a head start on the house.

Well i did ask him to get up. He went mad started calluing me selfish heartless evil slammed the door shouted every name under the sun and made my kids cry.yet he twisted everything i said. He is using what happenef to give himself the right to abuse me more isnt he. Ive a bag packed..even though i dont know how i am going to manage to get my kids to school tomorrow. I HATE him.

Him sleeping the day away won't solve anything. Him swearing at you won't get him any support at all, nor will it change the list of stuff that needs to be done. Throwing himself into helping you would take his mind off things perhaps, but abusing you is not acceptable, no matter the excuse.

I think I would adopt the do nothing for now, until the kids are asleep approach, just to get them through the day. THEN I would sit him down with a rolling pin and explain to him that the very second he calls me a name again, given that I am in excruciating pain, yet he is doing literally nothing to help me, and in actual fact is using every avenue possible to compound my misery, that I would take it as a notice to quit and expect him to leave this house immediately.

I would add that I'd call the police too if I had to, for his own safety.