Lundy Bancroft

[exhausted2011]

Feel like I need a bloody great highlighter pen, and then throw the thing at DH.
Reading this on the tube, open mouthed. Unbelievable. About 95% is spot on.
I can't help him can I?

Hi feisty, waves at everyone else!

Yep, LMHF guilty as charged! I saw that abduction thread, horrific, am so glad it all turned out well, heartstopping stuff.

Re the DS calls, I only call for him every couple of weeks as it is, there is no email option as he has no internet access yet. Everyone in the building cancelled their access, and with the turmoil no-one's doing businesses such as this. Phone company is not collecting money for bills, too dangerous for them, they keep getting mugged. No police force exists yet.

I've also not actually told him we are over, not coolly and calmly, it is kind of obvious though, but he's in denial (no pun intended).

Mum called yesterday and said she could take DS for the work appointments, and that she'll come out with me shopping or something when DS is not about like old times. I don't need to go shopping, last bloody thing I need tbh, but a phone call asking me how I am really would be more than enough. Think I'll tell her that.

I don't want to pile on the guilt, but recovery from this shit is nothing to do with the Abusive Ex, it's so much to do with RL support.

It's like saying to an addict that recovery is about the drug, it's not, it's about support and motivation to hold that person's hand metaphorically, to let them know you are there and to listen/hold as and when they need it, just until they are strong enough to go it alone.

It's about distraction, keeping busy, being kind to oneself and others showing you that the life AWAY from this person IS worth holding out for, IS worth the fear.

At times it felt like she was shunning me, in that really shitty way crappy girlfriends circle the wagons around them and their men when you find yourself split up and single. At other times you could almost hear her LA LA LAs in her head as I was talking.

My dad reckons it's because it's hard to see your child suffer, so that's why she can't do it. Oh GREAT thinking that isn't it? So bloody selfish.

I don't want to have to go to counselling, I don't want to talk ADs again, I don't want to be sucked into all that tbh. I'm not poo-pooing it, but to me it'll give that creep even more Kudos. With family help I can avoid it, without it, I'm not so sure.

So, in summary, I'm a bit better today, not so down, not so agoraphobic, not so scared.

exhausted, I know exactly what you mean which is why I asked about WA help.

As great as talking here is, it is not the same as RL empathy is it? Here I find the answers to my AIBU in thinking this or that about X/Relationship, and the wonderful messages, PMs I got from all sorts of lovely people was so heartening but nothing substitutes a RL chat.

Starting today exhausted, your mission is to get out and about and reach out for support, help companionship. An abusive relationship starts with isolation, so it can only weaken it's grip on you when you let the outside into your life. You literally need a life-line. A RL life line. Can you do this one teeny weeny thing for you? A DC /toddler group or anything to get you out and about and in contact with others. In time you will forge enough of a friendship to open up.

You have a mountain to climb, but it can be climbed. One step at a time. This is your first step.

We are all here for you, willing you on. Don't stop. Don't give up.

garlic: It was such a shock to realise that I didn't cause the rift, that the feelings I was having were ALL down to his poor treatment of me. That no matter what I did, said, thought, cooked or cleaned, no matter my look, my hair, my weight, it'd have been the same outcome.

the sadness I felt at realising that all the years of trying to negotiate with him was a total waste of breath. I literally had no part in that relationship.

When you realise it's so pointless, and realise how long you spent trying to make it work, it's just sickening. I felt so monumentally stupid.

I just have to keep telling myself that I am no longer that person. I can eat what I want, I can do what I want and think, say, wear... you name it, it's MY life, with or without a man, MY CHOICE.

Right! that's it... I have to go and do something... having a bash at making my own Tahini paste... then home made Hummous /babaganou tomorrow!

Can i get the hummous recipe hissy ?
Hugs to everyone coming out of the fog is truly great ,sending everyone strength x

You weren't an idiot so much, Hissy - you were programmed by your parents to accept that running around a narcissist is how real relationships work.

OK, your dad is right, it is hard to see your child suffer. The solution most of us would adopt on this planet is to try and ease the suffering, not to stop looking! Obviously on your mum's planet of origin they do things differently.

Hissy, sorry to hear that your mum is not providing the support you need. Maybe offering to take DS is the way she feels she is helping, that's how my mum usually sees things. It might be a good idea to let her know how you feel about this as you have mentioned but in a cool calm non-accusatory way IYSWIM as she might just be hopeless at things like that.

My mum too is not too clued up on being a shoulder to cry on or someone to talk to so I just dont (which is a shame) but she does so much more for us that I have had to accept that is one flaw she has. When do you think will be a good time for you to tell him that it is really over as things will surely drag with him thinking you are still together. Good idea to keep yourself busy. What is babaganou (nosy emoticon)

and yes, you were definitely not an idiot at all Hissy, these abusive men are exceptionally good at what they do

you sound better Hissy. I'm glad your mum is picking up her game, it sounds like she means well, but is just a bit wrapped up in her own stuff.

feisty, I do have a lovely family, but they are all away this week.
strangely enough my sister just called.

they don't really know the extent of it. they know he is badly behaved, but they all put it down to stress, and think that the good wife that I am, I will help him through it. Although honestly, they will all breathe a sigh of relief when we split up.

this week has been strange, I am not working, just finished contract, and DS is still in nursery, because I was supposed to be getting a ton of jobs done in my poor neglected house. I have done some stuff, but I'm not sure where the time has gone! probably on MN!
I spent the early part of the week enjoying the sunshine, getting things done, cleaning, garden, organising and enjoying the time on my own, but now I think subconsciously i am just dreading him coming home.

Feisty, that was it, she told me the other day she might NOT be able to have him, having agreed to do so a few weeks ago.

exhausted, glad your sister rang, sister-6th sense perhaps.

Love, you know they will support you, no-one wants to believe it's that bad, hell WE don't even want to think it's that bad, but we all know that there is no wife/husband good enough in the world to help a man through this abusive cycle. It can't be done.

Please just be kind to yourself, please try to find a calm place in your head. Keep reading your book.... I'm still at the beginning of it, it'll keep us focussed.

Annie: right on the money again! My dad is OK, but was pretty demanding, Mum was teens when she met him, and 21 the day she married.

Her DH now is a right sod, and so similar to my X. TBH , while they were away she lost her temper with him and now takes no crap from him whatsoever, I'm liking the new stance she has taken. I wonder how long it will last.

Hummous recipe:

First you need to dress the Tahini paste to make a sauce:

Tahina or tahini sauce recipe :
Ingredients:

• To prepare tahina paste, you?ll need (if you don?t have a ready Tahina paste, ½ cup):

1 cup of sesame seeds 1/3 cup olive oil

• 1 tsp vinegar or lemon juice
• 2 garlic cloves
• ½ cup water
• Salt
• Pepper
• ½ tsp cumin

Directions: 1- Put the ½ cup of tahina paste in a bowl. 2- If you don?t have a ready tahina paste then toast the sesame seeds in a preheated oven at 350 degrees for 5-10 minutes. Don?t let it get brown then let it to cool down for 20 minutes. Put the sesame seeds in the mixer and add the oil and blend until you get your desired consistency. 3- Add the vinegar or the lemon juice bit by bit on the tahina while mixing it constantly with a wooden spoon. 4- Add the water bit by bit to the mixture and keep mixing with the wooden spoon until it gets your desired consistency. 5- Mince the garlic and add it to the mixture with the spices; salt, pepper and cumin then mix for one last time. 6- Now the essential dish is ready to serve.

Then you need to blitz some chickpeas - a can will do, drained and rinsed in a food processor or a liquidiser.

Add the two together, season to taste, a good splash of lemon juice ought to do it, and there you have it!

I made Hummous with the cans and some shop bought tahini paste and it was awesome, as was the babaganou (aubergine dip) I made at the same time! Add the above recipe to the flesh of 3 Aubergines - just roast them whole in the oven and peel when cool enough to handle, leave to cool and add the salad above...

This time I'm making the tahini paste from scratch, and soaking and boiling the chickpeas too.

Thanks for that Hissy, I shall certainly try that over the Easter Holiday. I am looking forward to some time with my DC as I have two weeks off. Plenty of time to try out new foods

Mega hissy ,I love the ready made stuff so fresh it must taste awesome will report back many many thanks x

First time for me too to do it all from scratch, the recipes are all there on the net, and I have My Egyptian Grandmother's Kitchen Cook Book

Although it cost nothing LIKE that much when I bought it. The intro is loathsome, it's so smug it's almost enough to scream "Shut UP woman what the HELL do you know about healthy eating and HOW DARE you label Western Cuisine as unhealthy when you and your lot fry everything in SHEEP LARD", and toss the book off the highest building.

BUT.. Some of the recipes are really good. better even when you apply western healthy cooking to the recipes.

Some recipes are very suspect... Spaghetti Bolognese is in there

Sainsbury's Babaganoush recipe perfect for barbeques...

Hoummous recipe

Bollocks. He is coming back this afternoon. I really have not made the most of him being away this week.
He is whittering on about how much he loves me and missed me and how much we have to sort out.
Im so annoyed with myself for not getting things straight in my head

Exhausted, hope you are ok. Try and read back over your posts to straighten your head out. You sounded to me to be fairly sure of what you wanted in these posts. I do know that these abusive men just have a way of getting back in to your head so bloody easily though.

We had relatives of his visiting yesterday and I was in a bad way and didn't want to be entertaining a load of adults and heap of kids who would just be pulling my house apart. He had known I was ill yet he got angry when I said I wasn't able stating that if it was my family coming I'd be out to them like a shot and besides it wasnt me they were coming to see it was the kids. When the arguement was half way through I blurted out that he didn't seem to care that his treatment of my illness was causing me to be so depressed I'd felt almost suicidal. Yet he continued to rant about how selfish I was and how I didn't care about what he was going through and if I cared more about him then he'd care about me?!? He claimed I offered him no support last week when I had bloody sat there letting him cry on my shoulder and holding him and taking him out of the house to stop him thinking about what had happened his daughter. I had put my pain aside for him for days and even when it got so bad I couldn't ignore it anymore thats when he turned on me again.
yesterday I stayed upstairs when I knew the relatives were on the way. I was crying my eyes out listening to music on headphones to block out the world. He came in twice and told me they were on the way and when I didnt respond eventually he tried a new tactic and promised to care and listen and blah blah blah if I just got up and showed face.
When I did go down and was there a few hours I eventually couldn't hack the pain anymore and said quietly to him in the kitchen that I needed to go back upstairs. He said, after all his "niceness" an hour before to get me down there "oh GO ON you're only going to be giving out either way"
That was that.
I felt so ill last night mentally and physically I didn't know what to do. When I was woken by the kids at 8am I had had this bizarre assumption he was going to actually get up with them but when I went to him in the spare room he said "I didnt go to bed till 5am so I cant get up"
So here I am miserable. In pain. Found myself snapping at the poor kids this morning over breakfast :( Beautiful day outside and I can't even muster the energy to appreciate it and the worst part in it all as this terrible feeling of failure I have in my heart for my kids who are missing out on a happy fit and healthy mummy who would be able to enjoy playing with them and watching them growing up. I just feel so depressed.

Annie what you said about his reaction to what happened his daughter is what I thought. He seems to also forget that I am obviously affected by what happened too. Its all about him. He is acting as if he is the victim. If he cared that much wouldnt he be up there with his daughter no matter what instead of here taking it all out on me and making me pay for being ill. Always has been always will be him in his own little land ruler of it all.

Good advice for you there exhausted. Read back, hold onto the truth you have found. Stay strong.

Breakfree. FGS woman, you can't live like this. This guy is just awful, he is twisting everything, gaslighting, and just leeching off you, emotionally, physically and monetarily. HE HAS TO GO! Nothing could be worse than living with him, really, think about it.

Can you PLEASE get some RL support and stand up for yourself. PLEASE call WA and get some proper advice. You have to, for your DC sake, and for your own well-being. PLEASE?

Evening Ladies, I'm still kurking on this thread.

I was thinking today about my H and the way he was; all the abusive stuff he dished out whilst we were together. Life became normal, steady and easy so quickly after he died.

His 'view' of the world was very skewed and his behaviour would have been the same towards any woman he was with, it had nothing to do with however I behaved.

I wonder now why I ever listened to the utter paranoid rubbish he spouted and what exactly was I scared of? Obviously, hindsight is a perfect science and I have the fortune of not ever having to deal with him again.

Breakfree, I would bet that the awful behaviour of your H is actually making your illness worse; my H succeeded in making me feel quite physically ill despite the fact that I am healthy.

I was thinking that too MW, the pain may ease somewhat when he's gone.

I saw/read something once about physical manifestations of stress/abuse coming out in illness. Tension like that would make anyone feel stiff and in pain.

Ha ha, what was I scared of too? It's true! I think initially it was him leaving, then it was him getting angry/hitting me. then I realised I couldn't get out even if I wanted to, when I was in his country. that was scary.

Coming back here spending 8m on MN, helped me to realise that it WAS an abomination of a life, that no-one else put up with it in a normal happy relationship, that it didn't have to be like that.

Damn, he saw me, recently separated, rushed the relationship, berated me and punished me for not letting him move in immediately. It was all part of his master plan. The hardest thing for me to accept is that he actually knew what he was doing. I struggle with this.

Another MN recommended this book to me and it was excellent! A lot of the book didnt apply to me (thankfully) but one sentence Lundy said did make stand the hair on the back of my neck stand up!

This man with years of experience I think is able to make good judgements on the different types of men and the type ex was ...Lundy said would more than likely kill me!!

I have been safe now since CCTV fitted 3 months ago and I think ex has spotted it. However I will need to move as the urge to kill me might go beyond caring if he is caught as his delusions about me ruining his life...is well the other way round...I have lived in fear for 2 years this coming month! We finished nearly 8 years ago!!