Lundy Bancroft

[exhausted2011]

Feel like I need a bloody great highlighter pen, and then throw the thing at DH.
Reading this on the tube, open mouthed. Unbelievable. About 95% is spot on.
I can't help him can I?

NettleTea and LittleMissHissyFit, did either of you read the book "Fatwa" by Jackie Trevane? Had to think of it reading you'd both lived in Egypt.

I couldn't put it down while at the same time sending shivers down my spine, she managed to get out but her EH even hijacked her website!
(effectively blocking any access for women who need the info and possible forum in it)..

This is what comes up when you google the website url on the back of the book.

storywrite.com/story/238278

Thanks Patience.
Food for thought.

My kids cry at the merest hint of unease between us and beg us not to break up. My son repeatedly says its OK Mum, its OK, I can cope, just please don't argue. That last chills me, of course.

Should add they have had friends' parents break up recently so this is front of their minds.

Kids dont witness anything of their fathers drinking ,gf etc ,they just see a fun guy taking them swimming .
We have detatched from his life so yes it is his car crash definately ,he is driving the car ,we got out a long time ago.
Better they have short positive times with him than living with him angry and stressed.
My aim now is too be the most laid back X wife ever ,to encourage visits and for him to maintain contact.
I was never going to be happy in a marriage that I wasnt respected.

XP BT my kids were 3 and 4yo when he left ,ur kids sound older.
My X left me because I wanted him to change his lifestyle and he didnt want to change,so its better we are apart .I have done work on my issues and always will now when i feel i need to.At the moment he chooses not to.

Giveitago, do you fear your H will take DS if you leave?

Yeah, mine are 12 and 10. Am going to have to work very hard for ds not to feel it is all his fault, whatever the outcome. dd and dh get on OK, tbh. It's mainly dh vs. ds.
They are exactly the same personality type, too. I worry about the teenage years.

Whatever. Going to attempt to open communication with dh tonight, and also going to talk to ds before bedtime: explain that negotiating is what decent parents do, we still love each other and both kids, marriage needs work and he will understand that when he is in his own one day. And things could clearly be better for the family so we need to explore that. Can't keep things like this secret from older kids. Tricky bit is trying not to have dh feel I am ganging the kids up against him. Guess just have to ask ds to say nowt but to feel free to ask me how it is going before bedtime any time (They are older but I till tuck them both in).

I hope also that the difference between my marriage and my parents' is that I am open with the kids and open in expressing love for them. My Mum was very distant: head in the sand, escaping into own dreamworld, I guess:(

Merry - yup that's it pretty much.

Silly really because with international movement anyone can take their kid abroad. I could, in fact. But I think in dh's little world he's a) depressed b) feels like a loser so ds is his little saviour c) mil is a desperate woman and bigs him up in this behaviour even though she sometimes bears the brunt of it as well d) mil manipulates already to a huge degree and also things that ds is also her little saviour and also when ds was 15 months old agreed with dh that ds would be taken over to see her WITHOUT me even though we'd just been to see her a 1.5 months before (a complete power trip and that's what really started the problems). I was merely informed. It didn't happen so 'I got my own way' but that was the end of the relationship from dh's point of view. I've been punished ever since whilst they act like big victims.

However, deep down I know that dh is incomptent - I facilititate everything. Has no idea about the law (and that does cause problems as he acts like he's in his country). I'm the main carer.

But then again, that's exactly what could make him irrational in the face of a legal breakup. He's already told me specifically it would bring us all down so I guess he's scared.So he makes me scared.

I could have written that last post of yours Giveitago, thats how it was for me and I was scared.

The point is, he could not send DS abroad unless he went there himself aswell and didn't come back. Is DS on british passport?

suburbophobe- no I didn't read Fatwa. I did however read Not without My Daughter, among others. I couldn't have read any egyptian based stories. I loathe the very air of the place.

giveitago: why not go and speak to a CAB or WA and tell them your plight, your fears and ask them what can be done. You CAN prevent international abduction, it might not be easy, but there supposedly IS legal framework that exists to try to combat it.

You can't just live like this for fear of what someone may or may not do, that is another form of intimidation. If it comes down to that, the bloody minded thing you can do is to cite DV, and to literally vanish into anonymity. He is controlling you through fear and intimidation both for you and for your DC.

Enough.

DS is british. DH is EU national. DH has a shite job and no prospects and is soon to turn 50.

I've spoken to a few people with Uk/his nationality kids and it transpires it's hard to get a passport of his nationality without my consent and you need lots of documentation (that I know he doesn't have). But I remember when fil died mil wanted all property in ds's name and to that end he does have a national insurance card in that country. I was hugely paranoid but I think I'm OK.

DH has never settled here and has done his best to recreate his home life in here and that's why he hasn't done that well (18 years on speaks very little english - doesn't understand basic banking, the law etc).

But I do know I'm OK but still scared Not everyday obvioulsy but in the long run.

But that's how it all works I suppose.

Happier now ds is at school and has friends and is beginning to get his own life which is fun. DH deep down knows I facilitate everything and knows I'm a good (not perfect) dm, but has so much hate within it's affects things.

But compared to other stories I'm sort of OK. Yes, I have to me mum and dad, have to take shite BUT due to working hours I have relatively little contact with dh. Works for me!

I was going to wait until DS turned 18, Didn't know how I was going to get through the next fourteen years.....

I see where you're coming from. That kids growing up thing seems to be an escape - but it's a long time wait.

My dps had a shit marriage and when they FINALLY got divorced when I was 21 I was relieved.

I do have an escape - I have my dm and df who are right behind me and beyond doubt I have my extended family. I've got great backup if need be.

So, it's over to me. I AM going to get some professional help as although not depressed I'm muddled and need that outlet to help me think clearer. Then I can act.

In the meantime I'm getting stronger.

I think it boils down to the fact that inspite of everything I'm proud that our ds is part me and part his df's culture. DH is almost upset that 'his' ds is part my background. But even if I were the 'perfect' wife he'd still think that ds having my nationality is a bit of bummer. This stems from his family.

giveitago, you don't indeed seem depressed, muddled may be the word you use, but from here it looks more like confined, constricted.

you can empower your mind. you can literally be where you want to be, who you want to be and with whom you want to be.

All of the stuff keeping you with him is just stuff. Money? don't worry about it, sounds like HE is dragging you down more than supporting you. You could and would do better on your own. The sooner you start, the sooner life will be great.

Why would you want to wait until your kids leave, then how can you leave him alone, you'll be older, less easy to employ, what if something happens to your H which means he can't look after himself, and you are stuck there for llife. He finally dies and you are too old to live the life you have given up waiting to get out.

Sure it's scary, but not half as scary as watching life go by, waiting for death.

Living in Egypt is waiting for death, that was the one thing I learned from that hole is to never ever sit and do nothing again, waiting for it to get better. Egypt is 80 million people now, they have sat there as a civilisation for well over 7000 years waiting for life to get better. Erm, and how is that working for you?

Life starts today, get help, get advice, find out and plan for worst case scenarios. Plan for the worst and hope for the best.

If your nationality is so crap, WTF is he still doing here then? Heathrow is THATAWAY....

Sending u strength GIAG x

When I divorced I took out a caveat on my daughter's passport which stopped my ex being able to get her one without my knowledge. And made sure there was no way he could get hold of her original one. It worked because when I sent off for a replacement for her, plus a new one for my son (who has a different surname) the passport office called me to check who was applying for the passport) Now I have a court order which prevents him being able to take her anywhere without my agreement, or any unsupervised access, so she is now flagged on the immigration control and cannot travel without me.

a lot of posts
a lot to discuss and think about, thank you all

sometimes I read other peoples stories and mine don't seem so bad, I seem to have become very good at forgetting the terrible behaviour.
I think this is part of the manipulation, but I am very aware of how wrong his behaviour is.

Why won't he admit (really admit) that our relationship is a sham?
why cant he even entertain the idea of moving on?
why does he continue to swear his undying love? I do not make him happy, and I don't do anything right.

I wonder about his first wife?
They don't talk, no kids. She lives in another country now. He told me she cheated on him.. it would be very interesting to talk to her!

He knows there is something going on. I can't pretend anymore.
Had huge rows over the weekend. He is not happy that I am not standing for it anymore. Probably had every manipulation tool in the book, crying, angry, sulking, being nice!
He is away again for 3 nights, then back for 2, then away for a week.

I don't know where to start.
I've already seen a solicitor, helpful, but still not much direction.
I just wish he would accept that nothing can fix our relationship.

LMH - I saw your posts re Egypt - I don't know how you coped.

I'm making my moves but I'm also doing everything everything in the best interests of ds and I'd hate him to be stuck between two warring parents. I'm aiming for a bit of peace in the first instance. There is a sort of peace but it's very one sided atm.

I firmly believe that inflated (and bonkers) sense of entitle are at play in alot of these cases.

Does he need to accept it, exhausted? You can make that decision on your own, and it sounds like you already have. You don't need his permission to split.

i don't need his permission, no
i just want him to accept it and give up, it would be a lot easier
I'm not sure I have the energy for the fight that is coming

Well, from what I have read here, you have more energy today than you will have next week, or next month, or next year, and so on.

Not egging you on...what you do is up to you and here I am working with mine and not leaving, so perhaps the last person to advise, ...but you seem to be very clear that you need out.

There is a reasonable chance that once the thing is inevitable he won't have that much energy to spare for it either, since he is a workaholic? Might be easier than you think.

there is a book called "i hate you - dont leave me" about udnerstadning Borderline peroisnality disorder. ith book tiself isnt that good - but the title says it all.

exhausted - yes it will be a fight - if you elt it - i think the trick is to decide for yourself and use broken record technique - just repeat "this relationship is over,"

and shut off to his pleasdings (which will come) or threats (you wont see the children, i will get residence, i wont pay you a penny, no one else will have you etcetc)

but yes - give yourself permission and stick to it .
how he reacts is his problem (jsut make sure you safe)

Exhausted - the energy will be there.

For anyone worried about an ex taking their dcs to another country, there is lots of good advice on the Reunite website. See this [[http://www.reunite.org/edit/files/Prevention%20Guide%20E&W.pdf
guide]]

exhausted and giveitago, it is hard to make the move, but your energy and courage will come flooding back to you once you are out from under the shadow of these men. They sap you of the strength you need to act, so you need to dig down deep to find enough energy to get rid of them. It just gets better and better once you've done it.

My ex is also a foreign national. I was very afraid of what he might do when I ended the marriage, but the fear was worse than the actual experience. Honestly, you're not doing your dcs any favours by staying in a marriage like that.

cestlavielife, I've just read one article about BPD and once again I am open-mouthed, he is text book.
I was just going to write that I need to stop looking for reasons for his behaviour and now I am hooked reading about this.

it's also interesting that my H is also not from the UK.
He hates it here, and will now always blame me for being trapped here. (to see DS)
I don't really worry about him taking DS out of the country, he couldn't cope with the journey to Heathrow with him
Having said that, the passports have been in my possession for a while now.

"Since he left, I found the Venus Fly trap I bought 2 years ago, destroyed. He did it, because I had said that even as a young girl I always wanted one."

One of the first things that my DS's dad did was to hack down a rock rose bush in the garden as he knew I'd absolutely loved it.....

Before that, he cut all the babies off my spider plants.....

git