Lundy Bancroft

[exhausted2011]

Feel like I need a bloody great highlighter pen, and then throw the thing at DH.
Reading this on the tube, open mouthed. Unbelievable. About 95% is spot on.
I can't help him can I?

Hissy I am mortifyingly embarrassed to say that you have given me wonderful advice before. Maybe it was the Aussie connection that jogged your memory
I left him at Christmas and he was supposed to move out, but then his mum got sick in Australia and I didn't have the heart to kick him out then.
I am never moving anywhere with him, I just meant that that's the bullshit he will be telling his counsellor.

bertie, I am loving that thread!
I know I can do this, he knows I am going to do it. I know I will be happier. He will have nothing and he is begging. His only relative is his mum, and then me and ds. He knows it's his fault.

We just had a discussion about him finding a flat.

If this disintegrates into a fight, it will get messy and nasty. That's what I am dreading.
If he realises how inevitable it is, he won't put up much of a fight.

Lovey, you have nothing to be embarrased about, you 'left' him although for semi-valid reasons he is still there.... Been there done that, it's excrutiating.

Don't you dare berate yourself, this has to be done at your pace, your speed and in your own time. Every move you have made so far is bang on right.

My DH has literally no-one, didn't stop him making it impossible for me to be in the same room as him though. It's all about his insecurity and his need to be in control regardless of whether he makes a good job of it or not.

You know what you have to do and looks like you have buckets of strength to be able to do it.

Again, you have nothing to be embarrassed about, you should be proud of yourself, all you have to do is stick to the plan and keep repeating - broken record fashion - what is going to happen.

I'm going to check out that thread too bertie! thanks

Sunday evening in the exhausted household and yes another row.
H gets stressed, it all kicks off.
What a sob story.
Three hour row discussion.
"if you want me to go I'll go tomorrow, but you and ds are all I have"
next breath, " I'll resign, you're not having half of my money"
"I'm not leaving this house", made him think when I said fine, I'll go and rent a house then.

I'm going to see his counsellor on Thursday, ha, how much will he try to make sure that doesn't happen?

You don't have to have a three-hour row. Leave the room and let him have a three-hour monologue, if he wants.

I know, but I just get drawn in.
I actually got up to leave at the first offensive thing he said.
I was waiting for it to kick off all weekend
It's very frustrating, when he doesn't see what he is doing wrong. and he seems to forget what he has done wrong in the past

exhausted, go to the CAB and get some advice on what help you would be entitled to. see if you can get some idea of where you stand with housing etc.

Get copies of all his bank statements, try to get proof of all the money as if he DOES do the pleading poverty crap you are protected against it by having proof of the existence of money in the first place.

As you are married, any assets/cash becomes property of the marriage and a 50/50 division is assumed from the outset and adjusted afterwards depending on child care arrangements etc. Basically even if he does resign, you are entitled to a fair whack of what he has already.

He'll get all the manipulation techniques out, you know that don't you. Read Lundy and familiarise yourself with them all and above all stay icy calm. If you rise to it, react to it, he will feed off it. Starve him of that attention, it'll defuse him totally.

If you can leave the room when he starts up, or go out, do it. every. time.

You did well to get up to leave.

"It's very frustrating, when he doesn't see what he is doing wrong. and he seems to forget what he has done wrong in the past".

Of course it's frustrating - but you have to let go of the expectation that he ever will admit any of this. You're never going to reason him out of it, no matter how logical and incisive an argument you come up with. You're on a hiding to nothing.

HerHissyness gives some good, practical advice. For now, you've got to fake it till you make it, ie. not get bogged down in the emotional stuff, and get on with the practical steps of getting away from him.

Thanks Nickname, great post yours too!

Exhausted, he is not a regular person, he is abusive, he is manipulative, flawed and is no longer a partner, he is in some ways an adversary. Not an enemy per se, but he's not working on YOUR best interests here, and has an agenda, his OWN, to coerce you into. As I've said here, I think, and certainly elsewhere, probably the NPD/Abusive partners thread, once you realise that you can't reason with him, that all your pleas for normality, kindness, consideration and empathy are falling on totally deaf ears, it makes everything so much clearer, and simplifies it all.

If you can, treat this as a chess game, a poker game, perhaps. Get your game face on, and channel all your energy into remaining calm, cool and collected. Inform yourself as to the support and help you can get and your rights. With that information in your arsenal, you will find it so much easier to be matter of fact, and not panic.

You want to lose it BIG? You want to scream and rant... RIGHT HERE!! Come back here and do it.

(((hugs)))

thank you so much for still listening to me!
You're so right, I shouldn't get drawn into arguments with him, I find myself not able to give him examples, and it gets so confusing

I'm not really entitled to anything, we don't qualify for tax credits or anything.
I'm not working right now, but I do contract work, so hopefully won't be too long before I have another contract. It was planned that I would take off April and May. It's very good money

When I went back to work, I pretty much transferred most of the money I earned, so that's my contingency fund.
When I was a SAHM, he knew I wouldn't go anywhere because I was so dependent on him for money.
And now he knows I have money sitting there in the bank, and I'm not afraid to leave the house, if he refuses to.
80% of the furniture etc is mine, I can easy start over with that.

I have been to see a lawyer, who was rubbing her hands in glee at his salary/bonus/pension. I have all those details, I have dealt with them for years.
I don't want his money, I would be happy to never take a penny from him

I have said yes, I want him to go. From previous history, now I just have to stay strong and not give in to the crying and sob stories. and remember that it is all his fault.
I've tried going back over my old threads, to remind me of his previous actions and what he has done in the past. It's not sinking in how bad it was.

today my job was to clear out, and reorganise all the clothes and storage stuff, to put in the new wardrobes we have just had made.
I had a good cry when I came across maternity clothes, and some of DS's baby stuff that I had hoped I could use again.

It hurts so much knowing I'm not going to have another baby.
I know it's final now.

Honey, I know you are saying you don't want to get nasty and fight about HIS money, but that money is for your DC, and the life THEY need to lead.

You are caring for DC, his DC and as a result work is not just an open book. Of course you want to keep things as amicable and fair as possible, but you need to make sure that what you put in you take out, and what is fair, he pays as he is earning the bulk of the cash that you depend on to keep things as normal as possible for you and the DC. You can't be expected to go live in a studio apartment on £50 a week.

How old are you btw?

be kind to yourself, you didn't do this. I feel for you and I see injustice it upsets me. If I see bullying, it enrages me. YANBU love, and don't you ever forget it.

Mr Long-haul weekend has been on 2 yellow cards, and is OUT, he needs the RED one to make it official. If he had half a brain, he'd realise that if he plays nice, you might go easy on him, if he carries on being like this and making things hard, the courts will pulverise him.

oh I know it's stupid,but I'm not going to fight about it right now, and if I have enough to set myself up, I'm not going to insist he gives me x,y,z right now.
but when it comes to it, i will just let the solicitors sort out the money, if he's not going to be reasonable.
Again from past history, he calms down and so hopefully should be a bit more reasonable.
i'm 41, so bit too late to be starting over!
I'm alright, I'll get through this

Good plan!

You will get through it. It'll be OK. You know it will!

(hugs)