Lundy Bancroft

[exhausted2011]

Feel like I need a bloody great highlighter pen, and then throw the thing at DH.
Reading this on the tube, open mouthed. Unbelievable. About 95% is spot on.
I can't help him can I?

I just turned on my heels, got in the car and drove. It was him saying over and over how I should have slept with him the previous night, how I had the chance to fix it and had blown it. I'd had 1 hour of literally every manipulative trick in the book thrown at me from the passenger seat. I couldn't take it for a second longer.

Turns out his excess baggage cost him £200 in Heathrow and another £800 when he got the other end

Took me two to three days of feeling such an idiot, realising just how mental he really was, but I'd not seen it. Then I started to breathe again.

exhausted, if your 'H' loves his son so much, why is he treating his mum in such a way as to make it impossible for her to stay in this relationship. If he is violent you have cause to be able to have him removed. Suggest he goes quietly now, to give you a breather, a rest, a break to think about things. Say that he has to do this for your friendship to have any chance of survival. Or he can run the risk of being removed and there would never be any way back for him after that.

Decide what YOU want and communicate to him as a fait acomplis. That's how THEY do it to us. Turn the tables. Once the words are out there, said, all you have to do is say, I've already said what I want, and refuse to discuss anything else.

I would love it so much if he got on a plane and left
he's not violent, just controlling and verbally abusive. but that's enough!

It is enough. Mine was mostly the same. Hadn't hit me for years. In some ways as I've alluded to, it's almost worse, because it can all be explained away. Usually they gas light us as well; tell us that we're imagining things

I was not belittling your experience, but wanted to know if you were in any physical danger.

How long is he away for? Try and use this time to breathe, in and out, relax and feel what it's like not to feel fear.

How are you going to be kind to you while he's gone??? haircut? wine, chocs?

Having experienced both, I agree the gaslighting, the verbal abuse, the threats are worse. Less tangible than violence. Harder to articulate to somebody who has not been there themselves.

He is still putting your health at risk though. Your mental health.

Whether or not you think he should move out, I recommend you start getting your precious things (photos, memories) and your important documents (passports etc.) out of the house, in a safe place like a friend's house.

Agree with LMHF, try to treat yourself while he is away. Does he still control you by calling all the time to see what you're doing/who you're with?

Oh the calling thing is easy to combat.

Battery run out, phone hidden, I was out.

I also hang up as soon as I start getting an earful, or if the subject goes where I don't want it to.

It's most empowering! Passive aggressive, but empowering. If the tosser calls back and says did you hang up? you say, Oh no, dunno what happened there....

Teeny weeny victories, one step at a time.

I could never do that unfortunately, hissy. I would have meant a lot of bruises when he got home.

Oh, even though it is 8 years ago, I still feel such joy when I remember I'm not with him anymore. That's what I wish for you too exhausted!

I can't even begin to explain
I have started to write this so many times!

every single good time/memory I have is tainted with something.
Every holiday, I remember the tantrums he had, every family event, I remember the mood, or the sulk or the pretending to be sick.
Even our wedding.
He has slagged off everyone I know at some point. I had a thread the other day about him and my mum and I realised that he is trying to distance me from her.

And I always wondered why he had to phone me so many times?

He called me once when DS was tiny,and I was feeding him and had a fit because the phone was engaged. I said I was on the phone to my mum, and he ranted that I had time to talk to her, but not him.

He lost his temper when we played crazy golf, cos DS couldn't do it properly and we were holding people up. He's only 3 fgs. bond with your son, try and teach him. He actually expected him to get the ball in the hole

one thing in the book... controls you by trying to get you pregnant... he keeps harping on that we should go for IVF.

I am aware that I'm rambling and really not making sense, sorry.

Lady - you're spot on - you don't want your h to spot it. I couldn't find it in a shop (but I'm sure a waterstones could order it for you?)

I ordered mine online and had it sent to my dm's address. Then I freaked thinking the order receipt would be sent my home (but it wasn't thankfully).

You can check on line for stock in waterstones (I think).

Ladypru.
Not sure if they sell it in Waterstones.
I'm always in first to get the post, and any parcels I would get from the PO.

See, he's not controlling in the sense that he goes through my stuff or wants to check on me. He doesn't conform to that jealous stereotype.
I just have to do everything the way he wants.

I have posted before and got lots of advice to leave. I think it takes time to figure it out, I don't think you should be embarrassed about that.
God knows there's enough to worry about without worrying about not leaving him when the advice is to leave!

I am actually going to search back through namechanges and find my first post.
it was about something trivial, but that's the way it starts I guess

I've read it.

My XH is a water torturer.

And half of the others as well

I am, according to him, a manipulative, psychotic, neurotic, nutcase woman.

He is a control freak. he has rules. About everything.

And if I didn't obey the rules I would be belittled and put down all the time.

He used to make fun of me if we were out with friends.

Sorry for the hijack.

'H' tried to get me PG the month he came home to UK. I was relieved not to be and he was mortally offended. Shit. That WAS him stamping his control again wasn't it? Even though I have lost the last 3 pg, MC at about 9/10 weeks, nearly died in the one before last, he didn't ask me about getting PG, he just went ahead. I did say that he ought to have talked to me about it first. Apparently I was out of order for that too. Somehow turns into my fault.

MOSP, I'm so sorry that you suffered do much physically. Thank God you are out. I said for exhausted to hang up on her P because she had said he wasn't violent.

Mine told my best friends H that I'd been in a mental institution for 5 years. He told him that he'd slept with 249 women and that he was having an affair with a colleagues wife and planning to marry her sister.

There is not a soul in Egypt that I ever met that has not had him shout at me in front of. He has humiliated me in front of every single person I ever met in the 3 years I was there. OK so I never went out, so that is not too high a number, but it's literally everyone.

He says 'we've shared good times together' I say yes, that then turned nasty. Like you exhausted, every memory has a foul tinge to it, courtesy of his temper, his manner, his jealousy or his control issues.

In the end I learned to play the game, conceal what I needed to conceal, concoct and practice stories to sound convincing when interrogated.

He still asks to this day, Do you miss me?

I got him out of my home, but I still have a way to go to be free of him. Perhaps, because I have DS, I'll never be free of him. What a sad prospect.

Maybe he'll tire of us... I live in hope. He never bothers to contact his other son anymore.

ShortArse, we are sharing, these stories help us understand that it's not us that has done wrong, it's them. These stories all batting together show us how calculated it is. It may help strengthen someone's resolve.

Cheating spouses seem to have a script that they relentlessly follow. Abusers too seem to follow a script. Although some are physically aggressive as well as emotionally.

Ladypru, order the book to be sent to work.

As some of you know my full on abusive H suddenly got sick and passed away. Its over a year ago now and I have had plenty of time to think about things.

I feel now, why did I believe all the absolute utter rubbish he used to spout? why did I feel I could never get away from him, why was I so scared? If he walked back into the room now I would just turn away and not look back; I haven't even got anything I would want to ask him despite finding out loads more when going through his stuff after he died.

I haunt this board giving out advice to women in similar situations yet its advice I didn't ever use myself - admittedly I didn't find MN until after he died whilst trawling google for abusive relationship stuff.

Hes gone now to a place hes never coming back from and I am living a contented , far more relaxed and happier renewed life.

Do you think its worth me reading Lundy, as I've wondered or should I just leave it

Ladypru. Anything is possible! set up the account. Set up a new email account for it if you have to.

Your predicament is not trivial. Not at all. If you look at it that way, then My predicament is trivial in comparison to others. MOSP's story IIRC is horrific. She was battered. I have been hit etc, but infrequently, and a long time ago.

What I'm trying to say is it's all relative. This is not Abusive Nutter Bingo! If it feels like hell on earth to you. It IS hell on earth. Sure it could be a lot worse, but you know too that it could be a million, billion times BETTER too!

I'm out of that situation now pretty much, so my day to day is calmer, less scary, and building to a better future.

It's very early days, i have a lot of recovery to do.

You know what, I was reading an affair thread earlier and they were talking to the OP about beginning to look for another man.

Arghh, the very thought of another man coming anywhere near me makes me shudder, makes me feel sick to my stomach. THAT is another thing they do to us, rob us of our femininity, our allure, our womanliness. Cheating bastards are sad little men who think with their dicks, sniffing at anyone that'll throw them a stick, give them a bone, or a pat on the head.

An abuser thinks to destroy, to sabotage , neutralise, ruin, isolate and conquer.

Not sure merrywidow, your situation is a bit unique. Must have very mixed feelings?
you don't sound like you need answers now you have moved on.

Ahh, here she is! Another one that funnily enough really does make my predicament look trivial...!

You were namechecked earlier, your little merry ears must have been burning!