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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lundy Bancroft

288 replies

exhausted2011 · 25/03/2011 06:37

Feel like I need a bloody great highlighter pen, and then throw the thing at DH.
Reading this on the tube, open mouthed. Unbelievable. About 95% is spot on.
I can't help him can I?

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 10/04/2011 21:50

want2sleep Shock that's awful! Please make sure the Police are aware of your situation until you can move, and PLEASE try to do that ASAP?

want2sleep · 10/04/2011 22:00

HerHissyness I am fine now thank you for your concern...I had loads of MNs telling me...I couldn't see it tbh...it was only when I read it in black and white I had a sudden OMG!! Don't know weather it was the way he said it or his experience of this I sat up and realised how bad it was.
Police have a 'marker' on property and I sleep much better now as I have alarms everywhere plus cctv!

I worry about ex following me and get flashes of him ramming into side of car LO is sat:( So I am constantly watching if some car is following me...esp with LO starting new school would hate ex to know the school as I have had nightmares of ex snatching and shooting LO at school....stupid I know but imagination can run wild when scared and not sleeping for weeks on end.

I am now in situation to put house up for sale...but I know it will take some time to sell/move! But I now have a plan in place!

want2sleep · 10/04/2011 22:13

PS I wish I had read the book before meeting ex as it described him well in parts!!

Any person entering a relaionship should read this before the first date to hopefully save themselves a lot of trouble later on...I am well prepared if I ever recover from the trauma.

Anniegetyourgun · 11/04/2011 09:07

If I'd read it when we first got together I wouldn't have recognised him in it at all (Saint Lundy of Bancroft was probably at primary school at the time anyway!). I'd probably have been more struck by how much he wasn't like the men in it, if that makes sense, although that would have been at least partly me glossing things over. I made a lot of bargains.

If I'd read it at the time we were starting to split, though, I'd have gone "Aha!"

As it was, I read it after the event and it was interesting but too late to be helpful as such. I suppose there's some comfort in realising I'm not the first nor the last mug in the world to fall for those well-honed tactics.

NicknameTaken · 11/04/2011 11:10

I was just thinking this morning that I will encourage my dd to read it when she is old enough (only 3 now so a few years to go!) Although there's no way to make a teenage girl read it if she doesn't want to, I suppose. Her father is a textbook example from the book, and one of my major anxieties is that he will train her to try to please such men.

Anyone remember the chapter on the family preparing to go out for the day, and how the father manages to make the wife look like the killjoy? I've been trying to rewrite it in my head as if the wife had left. She's not there to be bullied, but what happens to the slightly creepy interaction between father and daughter? If the daughter can think to herself "Well, tomorrow I'll be in Mum's house and there won't be any of this drama" - that will keep her safer emotionally, won't it? She's not left with situation as her only version of "normality".

HerHissyness · 12/04/2011 21:43

Annie, yes it's funny how comforting the fact that there are a million others that fell for it as well as I did.

Nickname, no, she'll see the difference, she'll feel the ease in pressure and you reinforcing her self-esteem, her confidence and her boundaries will give her tools that she needs. it'll be OK. You know what to watch for.

HerHissyness · 12/04/2011 21:44

exhausted, how are you? Is he back? how are things?

Thinking of you love.

NicknameTaken · 13/04/2011 11:41

Thanks, Hissy - hope you're feeling better these days.

feistychickfightingthebull · 13/04/2011 11:52

Breakfree, so heartbreaking reading your post. You need to get away and leave this man, He is seriously abusive. Thinking of you. Hissy, exhausted, merry etc, hope you are all well

Original poster
exhausted2011 · 13/04/2011 12:42

thanks Hissy
yes he is back
all stressed about work and his mum
but now I just look at him and think it's all you you you, isn't it.
he got a bit annoyed about the holiday that I am trying to book without him, cos it didn't suit his days. I ignored him. He has had so much time away, both business and pleasure, that he hasn't got a leg to stand on.

Before he left I told him that he has a personality disorder.
On good days, he will accept that he needs help, but he's not doing anything about it. But otherwise he blames work stress, he is interviewing for other jobs, looking like it could be successful

I feel a lot more able to stand my ground now, I can see the attempted manipulation, the subtle attempts to control me.
He accepts he is controlling and abusive

I have this stupid knack of forgetting the really bad things, not excusing them, but just forgetting how abusive he was.

I can't figure out how it is going to work, me leaving him. Everytime I think of myself in another years time in exactly the same place I want to cry.

I don't know what I'm scared of.
I know I will be fine, DS will be ok.

what's the worst that can happen?

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 13/04/2011 19:14

The worst that can happen love is that you give up. on your life, on your family and stay in that situation.

one word though. Don't try and reason with him, don't think for a second that telling him he is abusive and you are onto him will make him change for the better.

This is not a scenario where they clutch their hands to their chests and say "Am I? REALLY, NO... I never realised, I am soooo sooo sorry, I'll stop it now."

Believe me. Grin

Oh he'll blame the sun the moon and the stars if you let him, anyone but himself.

You can't change HIM, all you can do is change the way YOU react and deal with him. There IS no negotiation, you'll be wasting your life trying, he can't be negotiated with, he's abusive, he is not wired right, there isn't enough time left in the universe to fix him. Understand THIS and you will stop yourself wasting your time hoping one day he'll wake up "normal" he won't. Been there, done that.

Sad

You are scared of the unknown. But look at the KNOWN you actually live, for the rest of your life, living like this? Isn't THAT scarier?

HerHissyness · 13/04/2011 19:16

Hello all! Hugs to all!

I'm OKish, Mum still playing silly buggers, but I'm not letting it get me down, I'll try and phase her out of the child care thing.

It's going to cost me money though, money I don't have. Either on childcare or on a Games thingy to keep DS quiet in the car while I'm on an appointment. Grr!

Original poster
exhausted2011 · 13/04/2011 22:35

Graced us with his presence this evening, but instead of making the most of the time with ds, he did not stop talking about his job/work/interview today. Ds was climbing on top of him and he was still trying to send emails. Then because he wanted to talk to me he suggested we put a DVD on for him. This is the only evening this week he will see him, and he couldn't even last an hour.
He is so completely hyped up it's like he's on drugs(he's definitely not)

hissy, I'm not thinking I can change him, I thought maybe I could help him on some kind of path to enlightment, but he hasn't once mentioned a behaviour disorder, he is going to see his therapist tomorrow. Would love to be a fly on the wall for that.
I would never have thought I could be described as gutless, but I guess that's what I am. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, but if I really have no excuses not to leave, what the hell is stopping me.
You're right, my life with him is shit, without him, how can it be worse.

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 13/04/2011 22:59

Read the book. He doesn't think he's doing wrong.

From here you look mighty brave, even if you DON'T feel it yourself.

Do it right. Plan it. You may be able to get HIM to leave, seeing as you have the DC.

NicknameTaken · 14/04/2011 10:46

You need a Cunning Plan, exhausted. In some ways, this is the hardest stage, knowing you need to do something, but not sure what - it's very daunting. What's the goal, what is the timeline, who are your allies?

Original poster
exhausted2011 · 15/04/2011 13:11

Well I predict a showdown this weekend. We have no plans, and he is going to be tired and grumpy, cos he only had 2 hours sleep last night cos he went out with some friends and had a major night out. all I am going to hear is how tired and stressed he is. And we have to discuss money, which is always a good one because of his sense of entitlement. Did you know he flew first class on a recent personal trip? First fucking class. He has his bonus money in the bank, but I'm sorry we don't have money to burn.
Really not looking forward to it.

OP posts:
NicknameTaken · 15/04/2011 15:41

So what are you going to do about it? It sounds like you're a bit stuck in the passive mode of waiting for it to happen - that's not meant as a criticism of you - believe me I know how it happens. But you do have space to act. If he kicks off, you can refuse to engage (Patricia Evans suggests that as soon as he gets nasty, say "Stop!" and leave the room). If the two of you are stuck in a particular dance, you can at least change your own steps.

Original poster
exhausted2011 · 15/04/2011 16:19

I don't mean a showdown as in a row, I mean a showdown as in I don't want to be married to you anymore, please leave.
He reckons he is coming home early and was a bit put out when I didn't sound excited!

OP posts:
Original poster
exhausted2011 · 15/04/2011 23:50

Well, no fight, but we talked and he is now on the couch, feeling very sorry for himself cos I wouldn't give him any sympathy.
Said he asked his counsellor if he had bpd and counsellor said no he's just stressed. So obviously he's really understood that one.

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 15/04/2011 23:56

it's all about him, him, him....

Did you actually hear him ask his counsellor? Did you hear the answer? He didn't ask. He hasn't even had time to google it himself to see if he could get any mileage out of it. Be ready.

My X was (is) a total liar, will say what he needs to to who he needs to, and it's farcical.

I said before, HE chose to be like this. HE chose to alienate you.

HerHissyness · 15/04/2011 23:56
Grin
Original poster
exhausted2011 · 16/04/2011 00:23

Of course he didn't tell him! He tells him how he is do busy and tired and stressed and works such long hours and he wife doesn't understand him and won't move to australia, because everything
would be miraculously perfect if we moved
and that's if he even goes.
He was pretty pathetic really, not very good manipulation techniques this evening. Obviously losing his knack.

OP posts:
NicknameTaken · 16/04/2011 14:26

Tbh, it doesn't even matter what the hell is wrong with him. Not your job to figure it out. Your job is to extricate yourself from the situation.

HerHissyness · 16/04/2011 14:53

Dear Lord, exhausted, are you a namechanger? Do I know you in another name?

Thing is exhausted, you are 'on to' his manipulation techniques, you are taking a backstep and seeing them from further away, in the end you'll be able to hold up score cards! Grin

DON'T move to Oz, for the love of god and all you hold dear, you know that is a suicidal move.

BertieBotts · 16/04/2011 15:58

What's the worst case scenario if you leave? Oh, maybe that you might be happy? :) No, realistically, it is hard being on your own, you might struggle financially, but if I am totally and completely honest, it was so much easier not having the weight of XP around my neck. There was no way I'd have coped with being on my own in the place that I was (mentally) when we were together, which is why it seems so impossible to cope with right now. But when I did leave it was like a massive weight was lifted and it was fine. Yes, I've found it stressful, but having permission almost to deal with it myself was so much easier than struggling on with him making things worse by stressing me out about other things. I've said this before but I was exhausted. Totally and utterly exhausted.

What was it like in the week where he was away? You said you felt like you didn't make the most of it - how does the thought of a bit more time like that grab you?

Threads like this are really good for helping you see the difference just to the everyday things which you probably can't see are dragging you down right now. That's the "weight" I referred to earlier.

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