Recovery after an affair

[sheba2288]

After taking huge adviceand comfort, and despite Robberbutton's change in situation, I know there are a couple of us 'survivors' out there. So this is a thread in which I hope we can help survive together.

Brief background on my situ - been with H for 20plus years, married with 2 DCs. H had affair with work colleague last year. I discovered last July. Had a rough summer/autumn, 2 close relatives' deaths added to our turmoil.

Since this Feb, there has been a turning point (thanks to MN advice), and things are starting to be a lot more positive. However.... I am often felt let down and hurt. When does it all go away????

good luck to you all, I survived the first but not the 2nd :-(

And Lawrie, with you there, been on my own a while, but it still made me sad, sending you hugs x

Lawrie hope you're ok. That was v recent, wasn't it? :(

seachange, I don't know what she looks like either. I have met her, once, a couple of years ago while the affair was going on and I was still in the dark and but have no recollection of her. I don't want to either I don't think because DH has said how attractive he found her and she could be the polar opposite of me...

Lawrie and Kizzy for you, hope you are both ok.

toomany the wedding made me sad too. I feel so cynical now. It felt so natural and easy to make those promises at the time. DH could barely get the words out he was so emotional (in a good way) about us getting married, and look what he did.

Feeling down today, full of doubts.

I do know what the OW looks like - she worked with H and there are photos of her on website and if I google images I can find her. Do it every now and again but really shouldn't.

She looks different from me but I don't think better just she is the person he preferred to talk to and sleep with and send outpourings of emotion texts to. They cant meet often due to where ppl live. Although they can obviously meet now. Just don't think H will have any money to go visiting .

Hope no one minds me being here. I post on other slightly more suitable threads but suppose I'm not ready to actually call time on the possibility of relationship finding its way back again iyswim. Am finding it hard not to get in touch with H about little things. Doing quite well but do miss him.

He has children this weekend and having had busy few days working (including yesterday during The Event) I am lazing today. Tidying tomorrow - house is A State due to my apathy. Have bought much cleaning products and binbags .

Lawrie I wouldn't think anyone minds you being here, hope you are ok this weekend. Cleaning is excellent to get rage out

TSL I felt very cynical about the wedding too, that family don't exactly do fidelity do they?

Seachange I knew what she looked like, but she was hard to avoid as we live in a fairly small community and I had to drive past her house (and bedroom where the 'act' took place) in order to get anywhere. She was the exact opposite of me - very tall and blonde whereas I am small, dark and mediterranean looking. I don't think it matters though, they were available and were prepared to open their legs for men they knew had partners and DC's, clearly that is all it takes!

Hmm, thanks everyone. I guess in this age, with fb etc it's frustrating to not know someone/something when you can normally check up on everyone! (She changed her pic when I found out).

I've found that I obsess about something until I find out whether it's true or not. And even if the truth is horrendous, the certain knowledge either one way or the other seems to help my brain calm down and forget about it. That's how it's been with details of the affair, and so maybe it's the same with this, I'm obsessing because I don't know.

But then if I do, as toomany says, will that just serve to flood my brain with even more vivid images? Plus the only way to find out would be to log on to H's email account that he used with her and trawl through the photos that they sent each other, which I don't really want to do, or want him to do. I'm going to have to leave it, aren't I?

Lawrie you're more than welcome here, I lurked for ages when H moved out and was spending most nights with OW. Now he wants to come back but I'm not letting him at the moment, so not sure where I belong either!

Thundersighs I know, I've seen emails where H has called OW stunning and beautiful, but how can you be if you are prepared to do something as awful as that? If he had fallen for someone who had said, sort out how you feel about your wife, if you split up then we'll see, then I would have been worried no matter what she looked like. But it is frankly insulting for H to describe as beautiful someone whose behaviour from the off has been lower than low. Does not the manipulation, callousness and selfishness shine through? I guess what they are getting from the OWs blinds them to everything else :(

I heard a horrible expression that sums it up nicely - they get cntstruck. Sorry if that offends anyone. When I asked my H what he was thinking when it happened he said he wasn't thinking at all, clearly all the blood goes from their brains down south. Like you say Seachange* if they stopped and thought about it they wouldn't do it as the OW are made ugly by their behaviour.

At the moment I think a small part of me wishes that I had been tougher 3 years ago and asked him to leave but then I feel guilty about the DC's. I have stopped feeling bad about what happened to the OW, as she very much did it to herself.

that is naughty but brilliant.

Glad you're not feeling bad about the OW, hope this helps it fade into the mists of time for you.

Talking about about what the OW looks like has just made me want to see her picture again. Although she has changed her privacy settings on facebook I googled her name and opened up a cached version of her page. In hindsight, I think it does help to see a photo. If I didn't know what she looked like I think it would have driven me insane wondering. She is pretty enough and she is exactly the type my H would go for - brunette and large breasts. Not so different from me apart from she's 12 years younger and not quite so saggy, grey and wrinkly.

I've had a really down day. I think the best description would be grief stricken. After the wedding yesterday I spent today mourning for what we had and that my H is no longer the man I married. H spent most of the day looking after DC's as I struggled to even get out of bed. :( Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day.

toomany - I hope you are feeling better now. How does your H react to your bad days?

Thunder - v glad to hear you have stopped feeling bad about OW. I doubt these men see the ugliness of betrayal and deceit in their OWs any more than they do in themselves until faced with the full gamut of consequences. In my H's case the OW has husband & kids too, which makes her even more contemptible than a predatory single woman. No more or less so than DH though.

I am still struggling with my H's lack of support. He apologises for being crap after the event, but it leaves me feeling very let down. I have got the point where I'm wondering if he is putting on a show of trying to make it work, so as to be able to say "at least we tried" when it doesn't work out (which it won't if things carry on like this). I feel like I'm being punished. He's even gone off sex now

Ugh tsl, that's rubbish. I'm so sorry :(

Hi all. haven't posted for a week or so. Had a much needed break but have lurked of course!
Thanks seachange - lovely to hear from you.
TSL - so sorry. Any change?
I'm currently at the stage of 'I don't know where we stand'. I want to think that we are past the horrid stage of a month ago or so, ie couldn't communicate, couldn't get past issues. I think I'm just a bit nervous. H is back at work after extended Easter, kids back at school and hence the 'routine' is back.
Hope I can make it a good schoolterm for my DCs. Think positive is my current motive, I suppose...

When I said 'much needed break' - reads like it was a break from MN and this thread. I meant much needed break from home...!

Hi sheba, I was wondering how you are, how was your break? What is making you nervous? Is your H still doing the right things?

I get nervous when things are going ok - I don't want to let go and lower my vigilance just in case I end up being humiliated again. And that feeling probably launches us onto the next stage of the roller coaster cycle...

So I keep reminding myself that the cycle has varying levels of peaks and troughs (if that makes sense!) and that we have found a way around seeming dead-ends before. He says we need to keep on keeping on. Part of the problem is my damaged self-esteem which causes certain amount of neediness and my tendency to over-analyse. But the recent sex issue is partly performance anxiety on his part - he hasn't got used to me taking more initiatives and wanting it more than him... Maybe that isn't good for his self esteem!

Hi TSL
Easter break was good - everyone has been getting on fine. H enjoyed time with the DCs. And actually enjoyed myself too!
But - my feelings at the moment are 'where do we go from here?' The thought of the everyday routine is scaring me. He is back at work, hence the thought of OW at work, what conversations he may or may not be having.

Similar to you, when things go ok, I wobble. Even the non-sex thing is similar ATM! I had a brief convo about it a couple of days ago, but ATM, everytime we touch upon 'our issues' I can't stop shedding tears during this, and he gets a bit worked up. I wish that I can just open up without bursting into tears...So hence, he acts like he is walking on eggshells and completely at a loss as to what to do around me. Strange and bizarre it may seem, I wouldn't mind a emotionally charged sh*g - its as though I need him to connect to me! Slightly red blushing going on whilst I type!

sheba can or would your H change jobs? I wish mine would. I feel like as long as OW is hovering in the background waiting for an opportunity to pounce, I can't relax, because he clearly can't spot a devious lying slapper (however physically attractive) when he sees one, even now. I was heartened by reminding myself that he did finally recognise it as a crush, though, and that he didn't think he was ever in love with her.

I know what you mean about connecting and crying during sex. For me it's usually afterwards, but it bothers him because he knows I get unwelcome thoughts and images crowding in. We scraped the bottom of the cycle last weekend and things have improved since, thank God, but now I'm in the "don't relax in case he takes advantage" phase! When does it ever end?

Hello, new to Mumsnet but my wonderful friend recommended it as an invaluable source of support. My story has so much in common with those of others on this site - married to the love of my life for 15 years, three children who he has been the most wonderful father to. I thought we were happy and he was always very critical of men who were unfaithful to their wives. But a month ago I found out - via an gentle but anonymous call (thank you who ever you were) - that he had been having an affair with a work colleague for some months. The complication is that I also work with this OW but had been absent from work on a sabbatical whilst undertaking a Further Education course for nearly six months. I can not describe the horror of finding out that she and he would be emailing each other at work whilst I - when there - would be serenely sitting close by them both. She signed off my contracts and acted every inch the professional, whilst all the time making plans with my husband for him to leave me and the children and she to leave her husband and her three children. And to make matters worse for me, she is the office beauty - a stunner - and I am older, fatter, greyer, more wrinkly. Other men in the office would often comment on her beauty, and I would agree with them whilst never knowing that my husband was in love with her and she with him.
The last four weeks have been a descent in to hell - once the children found out (they heard my hysterical screaming and begging him to stay with us) - a cloud of horror descended on our family that I don't think I will ever recover from. I have had all the physical symptoms of extreme shock and have been signed off sick from work - I am struggling to cope and even the fundamentals, like cooking for the children, are almost beyond me. My GP and boss have been wonderful but I feel so irrelevant, unattractive and hollowed out. After three weeks of vaccilation, during which time he told me repeatedly how much he loved her and couldn't face life without her - he decided that his love for his family was greater than his love for her and has decided to stay. He told her last week and she says that she will abide by his decision but told him repeatedly it 'was not fair' and asked him how he could give up somone as beautiful as her for someone 'as ugly' as me. Strangely I have found great comfort from talking to her husband who has been as deranged by grief and fear as I. My husband is struggling to cope with giving her up but is adamant he has made a decision he will stick to but my fear is absolute and I lurch from feeling so ill and washed out that I could die to raging, screaming anger at his betrayal and their utter cynicism. My hatred for her is all-consuming - she was prepared to give up her children in order to be with my husband and I have no doubt that she has not given up hope of a better, brighter future with MY husband - irrespective of the cost to the happiness of two other adults and six young children. As for my husband - who is this man? This man who was so critical of infidelity. I feel he is now a stranger - a man who planned a new life by the sea with this woman (whore) who apparently is the love of HIS life. I am trying to be brave and he is making sincere efforts to begin to rebuild our life together but I am still at such an early stage with this and my pain is so raw that frequently all logic departs me. I pray to God every day to be spared this agony but still it goes on. I love him with all my heart and am so utterly betrayed. I can only hope - having read the threads - that the pain I am enduring will lessen in time and I can stop the screaming fits and be once again the calm person I used to be. But something precious - my trust in him - has gone for ever.

Beagelbabe you might find it helpful to get advice specific for your cicumstances if you started your own thread, but also used this one for ongoing advice and support during your recovery.

Two immediate things spring to mind from your horrendous story.

The OW's beauty is evidently only skin-deep, if she was prepared to ditch her children for an OM and in view of the horrible things she said about you.

The people who are vehemently anti-infidelity are often the most vulnerable to thinking they are in love when they have an affair. I have posted quite a lot on this board about the "romantic idiot" affair and your H sounds as though he was firmly in this camp; someone who would have baulked at the notion that his affair was as sordid and horrible as they all are, so had to insist instead that this was some grand love affair.

Have you read Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass? It's a wonderful affair recovery book and I'd really recommend it, especially as the physiological symptoms you describe accord with her view that affair discovery is a trauma and should be treated in the same way as when people suffer disasters and near-death experiences.

I'm glad you found us. There are are lots of us who would be willing to help you through this horrible time in your life, but because we are all at different stages, I'd be happier helping you on a different thread or via the PM facility.

Oh Beaglebabe, so sorry you're joining us

Very at the whole thing but particularly at her "it's not fair"... She sounds like a real catch.

I hope your H will realise in time what kind of person she must be to do what she has done to her family and yours, and that her so-called beauty is nothing but pretty packaging of a very ugly product (which is how I visualise the OW in my situation). As for your H, what is he doing to convince you that he is recommitting not just to your family but to you? Are you prepared to take him back no matter what?

Thank you so very much for your two responses - I have seen the Shirley Glass book mentioned during other threads and will order it. Certainly my DH believes that his love for her has never been equalled by any other and the suggestion that his previous vehement anti-infidelity makes him more liable to believe that his desire for sex with this great beauty had to be 'OK'd' by it being 'love' seems entirely accurate. Moved to tears by your kindness - he has just rung to tell me he is on way home - he has left work early as he knows I am anxious that he is in the same place as her. He seems to be utterly genuine in his desire to rebuild but is hindered by the love he still feels for her - he says that being without her is almost intolerable but also that he knows that the decision he has made is the right one. I am still in a different place though - agonised, humiliated, searing pain. I suppose he was with her for months and tells me that he always knew what my reaction would be when I found out but could not stop himself. But for me this is all so raw and new - and when I start screaming and ranting he tells me that I should be glad rather than upset as I have 'got what I want', and she hasn't... He also now constantly reminds me that he hasn't left - and yet spent the previous three weeks telling me he was going to- and seems bemused by my ongoing agony now. I think we need counselling - he is reluctant but would go. I would be interested to know if anyone else has found counselling as a couple helpful. I want the pain to go away - I hurt so much.

Oh Beaglebabe, I am so so sorry you are going through this awful time. The thing that resonated with me is when you said you felt hollowed out, that is a perfect description and it is truly horrible to go through. There are many far more wise people on here than me but I wish you the very best. I can't understand how your H thinks that things can ever return to 'normal' when he is making it quite clear that he feels he has sacrificed the so-called love of his life. Please take advice on your situation from a legal standpoint so that you can arm yourself just in case. You are being manipulated at the moment and are not strong enough to defend yourself, please look after yourself and be careful. What is the situation at work? Will one of them be dismissed for inappropriate behaviour? And does her husband know? I can understand your rage, don't be ashamed of it. Please take up WWIFN offer of PM's.

Hi Beagle, sorry you have had to join this club . You may find it more useful to go for some individual counselling first. My DH left me for OW (was gone for about 6 weeks). We went straight into joint counselling which in hindsight was too soon but it did get us through the next few gruelling months. DH did not move back in straight away but stayed with his parents.

I was very much like you, totally traumatised and on diazepam for a week. Had 4DSs to look after and couldn't understand what had happened to my life in, what seemed, a matter of days.

The OW in my DH's case was no beauty, inside or out (sent me some lovely texts ).

You need to point out to your DH that he is no prize to be won.

My DH thought he must have been in love with OW (like yours, vehemently anti-infidelity, despised men who treated their wives like that), but he came to realise that he was in love with the feelings of being in love and that the OW was really no real friend to him - what friend encourages you to break up your family and leave your children devastated ? Your H needs to see OW for what she really is. My DH is now actually horrified that he introduced this woman into our lives and even took our DSs to meet her without me knowing .

It is 2 years down the line for me, you can have a stronger, better marriage but it takes hard work and both parties have to participate, you cannot do it alone. My DH has taken himself back to counselling as he has been struggling to come to terms with what he did and why he did it (very dysfunctional childhood). His counsellor takes no prisoners . He told her that he didn't like discussing the affair with me as it upset him and he found it difficult. She basically said to him that "if Counting wants to discuss the affair then suck it up, you had the affair so tough if it hurts you to discuss it, deal with it" - I was so pleased, it had been a real sticking point for us, his general relunctance to discuss (he has told me most things I want to know though). She has made him understand that I have a right to know everything and he has to deal with it.

I found the Beyondaffairs website very useful at the time of discovery too.

Your H doesn't sound as if he gets anything yet, my DH was the same at the very beginning, that I should be grateful that he had left her etc. The arrogance was unbelievable and needs knocking out of them - that's when I told him he was no prize to be won.

Good luck Beagle and be selfish now, as our counsellor put it to us, it was like I have been hit by a bus and am now in intensive care, that I shouldn't expect to feel better anytime soon. Take time for yourself, make him look after the DC so you can get out etc.

My heart goes out to you . I was just like you 2 years ago. Your H has to realise how lucky he is that you have not thrown him out and also, as has been said , to realise that he was not in love with her just intoxicated with the feeling the affair gave him.