Recovery after an affair

[sheba2288]

After taking huge adviceand comfort, and despite Robberbutton's change in situation, I know there are a couple of us 'survivors' out there. So this is a thread in which I hope we can help survive together.

Brief background on my situ - been with H for 20plus years, married with 2 DCs. H had affair with work colleague last year. I discovered last July. Had a rough summer/autumn, 2 close relatives' deaths added to our turmoil.

Since this Feb, there has been a turning point (thanks to MN advice), and things are starting to be a lot more positive. However.... I am often felt let down and hurt. When does it all go away????

Oh god ... not another little woman who needs a big strong man to stand up for her and fight her corner. I can't stand weak women like that (or rather women who pretend to be feeble and need protection) ... she needs someone to tell her to get a grip and sort herself out. By herself and for herself. She's an adult presumably??

countingto10 I really don't think he has intentionally crossed any boundaries. I think he has been incredibly stupid because he just didn't THINK about it, iyswim. I know that sounds naive, but it is what my gut instinct is telling me. When I found out and confronted him, his pride wouldn't let him not go. I have asked him why he's more willing to risk losing our marriage than embarrassing himself in front of her. When he had his affair, I knew straight away what was going to happen.

wbb don't think she is being deliberatly weak and feeble. Just incredibly shy, very young and working in a completely male dominated environment. To be fair, I don't feel she's making a play for my H at all.

My DH first had sex with OW when she called him "in distress" concerned that her ex was going roung to hers to cause trouble and could he come round to "protect" her. I eventually got out of H that he knew it was "highly likely" that sex was on the agenda. It's a game they both played, she being manipulative and him allowing himself to be manipulated.

I knew something wasn't right at the time he said he had to go and help his best mate, terrible feeling of paranoia that something wasn't right and him trying to convince me that everything was kosha when it plainly wasn't. My DS1 had an important college appointment the next day and because of the way DH was behaving, did not want him accompanying us. God it was wierd and now I know why.

I think I need to revisit that night with DH again. It was something he didn't want to talk about at all but as I am typing this, I feel sick. Maybe now we can discuss it without too many tears etc.

Even if she's not, if she's working in a male dominated environment then she's going to have to learn pretty damn quick to stand up for herself. She can't go through her entire career expecting other people (men?) to fight her battles for her. That's life .... are there no other females who can support her?

countingto10 Sorry to hear what you went through. I believe very strongly in trusting your gut instinct. Hope you can have that chat, as hard as it may be.

wbb yes I agree, but no there are no women to help. My problem isn't with her though. Although I think it's strange that a young woman might think it OK to go to the cinema on her own with a married man, I know that 'kids today' think differently.

PP4 - were I in your position I would feel very uncomfortable about it. Irrational possibly, although I don't think so, but if my dh gave himself permission to go to the cinema with another woman then - regardless of what existing relationship they had - then I would not be at all happy. Either with her for thinking it was okay to do this with a married man and most definitely not with my dh given what he's already done. And given that he'd know how I'd feel about it.

So sorry PP. Even if in normal circumstances the situation could be seen by all as harmless (though I don't think taking a young female colleague to the cinema is particularly helpful to her professional situation), his past affair means that he should automatically know that he needs to rein in his knight in shining armour tendencies in situations that would clearly be upsetting to you. I hope he is now doing everything to reassure you and help you get back to where you were. What an idiot, I can imagine how awful you must feel

I find it hard to strike a balance between telling DH whenever I feel down or upset (which is a lot), and biting my tongue so as not to sabotage all the time we have together. I don't want to dwell on it, but when I do really need to talk he sometimes gets quite frustrated and wonders if I/we will ever overcome it. He doesn't understand how I can appear fine one minute and tearful and angry the next.

Could I ask you all a question? How long did it take you before you could have a normal conversation with your DH's?

I know it's only been just after a week but H is able to speak to me like nothing's happened, talking about his day etc. But I am just so short with him and actually don't want to talk to him about the trivial stuff. I just don't see a point when I will be able to have a decent conversation with him. :(

Hi ladies

Just wanted to check in and let you know where I am. Sorry to hear that so many of you are still struggling and unhappy. PP4, I'm sure you don't need another poster to tell you that things are not right with the way your H is treating you, so sending you strength and a fat hug((())).

Well, my 'H' has shown himself to be an utter shitbag. We are separated, but still very emotionally connected. Still lots of 'I still love you' 'Maybe this could still work' etc etc blah fucking blah.

Were going to Relate, 'lets try and work through this' etc. Well, after our first proper Relate session together today, he reveals to me that whilst he has broken contact with OW (clap clap, well done H), that he has accidentally shagged yet some OTHER other woman, who he vaguely knows whilst on a work trip last week. Whoopsie, he just fell cock first into her vagina. Poor H, what a victim of terrible circumstance he is.

The good news though, is that he still, you know, loves me. And HELP! He doesn't know WHY he is acting like this. Wah Wah. So, if all you ladies could start a whip round for this poor confused lambie, and I'll use it to spend on something useful for him.

Can I say CUNT! Oh look, I just did.

So, I will be officially leaving this thread, as there is no fucking chance of recovery now that my 'lovely best friend and husband' has ACTUALLY turned out to be a giant and utter cruel disgusting shit.

I need MAJOR help with detaching from this 'human'. So off to the chin up thread for me I fear.

Good luck ladies, hope your Hs turn out to be better humans than mine did.
x

Jesus Christ Amicable, am normally a lurker rather than a poster but just wanted to say I'm gutted for you. Can't believe the hateful bastard did that. So so sorry but hopefully this will give you the ability now to move on and eventually build a happier life without him. BASTARD. So angry on your behalf.

Ditto, amicable, so very sorry. What the fuck is wrong with these people? You mean he didn't even mention this during the Relate session? Too EMBARRASSED? Seriously, no words.

Chin up, like Hissy keeps saying, once that plaster is ripped off it can only be up....

Aw amicable - that's horrendous! What an absolute cock-led shitbag he is! Argh! for you - I hope you manage to expunge him from your emotions asap. Bastard!

Amicable words fail me.

I hope you decide to continue to go to Relate on your own for a place to vent and process your feelings

Good luck.

Good luck Amicable, take care

Where is the love, in my case its seemed like I was alternating between normal conversation and snarling for weeks, I don't think anyone should expect you to behave normally after a week. Eventually though real life does take over and the snarling lessens IYSWIM.

Amicable - so so sorry. Don't know what else to say.

Look after yourself - he obviously isn't. Do whatever gets you through the day, eating is important even if you don't feel like it.

Agree with counting, some kind of counselling for yourself will be good.

X

Amicable I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. I wish there was something I could do to take the pain away and help with the detachment. All I can do is return the favour(thank you btw) and send you strength and a big fat hug back (((())). Please keep posting on MN tho (although of the other thread), seems to be a lot of wise words to be found here.

Oh Amicable, what an unqualified sh*t he is. Keep posting and draw all the strength you can from MN and people who have been through what you are enduring, particularly those who have come out the other side.

Big hug.

Amicable, good attitude! As others are saying, thank god you now have the true measure of who he is and from here, the only way is up. Best of luck to you and all good wishes. You sound a very sensible lady x

Thanks all. Feeling the hate tonight. Hands literally shaking with the urge to smash them into his face. Bodes for a positive hand over of the kids tomorrow morning.

Speaking as someone who succumbed to the urge to punch her DH, is there anybody else who could do the handover ?

DH's solicitor suggested he used my "violence" as grounds for divorce (unreasonable behaviour). OW went further and suggested he get me arrested (obviously not content with depriving my DC of their father, she wanted them to deprive them of their mother too ). I hasten to add that I am/was not proud of what I did though now DH says he deserved everything I threw at him and DH was not hurt at all (slight size difference, DH 18.5st and me 6.5st at the time).

Can't really suggest anything to cope with the rage as I didn't handle it at all well myself. It's all consuming and mine was a build up of other things as well, him leaving just tipped me over the edge. OW was just lucky I didn't bumped into her at the time as I would probably have torn her limb from limb such were my feelings.

I do remember my pillow bore the brunt of a rage episode once, DH told me something particularly nasty about the affair and this time rather than him, the pillow got it. Alot of screaming too.

Sorry I have rambled a bit. It's just to let you know, I know what that rage is like and it's a very valid emotion, try not to deny it but use a pillow

Not really counting. Will just have to bite my hands! Had to phone STBX earlier to say 'are you having the kids tomorrow', he hadn't thought to confirm it with me.

I told him that I wanted him ready to take the kids, that I wanted minimal contact. He then proceeded in his 'business as usual, still being mates for the kids' voice, how I need to put the Wii in a bag for him, and , and. Well I never got to find out because I put the phone down on him. How dare he give me a list of how I can make his life better.

I'm crap at hitting pillows, arms always seem so weak and puny!!!! But i'm sure if I had his face around I'd find some adrenaline based force. Am aware I need to reign in those thoughts.

I have smashed a few glasses though. PITA to clean up afterwards!

There is a good article on the Beyondaffairs website about anger - I think it's titled "Get Angry but Stay out of Jail" . Might help a bit. Here it is

Hi everyone, my head is in a jumble at the moment over recent events. Firstly there is the uncomfortable feeling that I wished the OW's death on her, me constantly checking for changes in DH's mood to check he is not grieving in some way (he doesn't seem to be) and then there is the tragic nature of her death - Its the main topic of discussion locally and there have been events set up to help raise money for her funeral etc. and people who would have normally crossed the street to avoid her are lamenting her demise. I know this sounds horribly self-centred, sorry.

Of course it's not Thundersighs. It will be horrible, and everywhere for a while, but it will soon pass and you can then forget about her for ever. Grit your teeth, make sure your H is super-sensitive, and vent vent vent on here!

Thundersigns you were not responsible for this woman's death. She was an adult with freedom of choice and unfortunately for her and her DC, her choices were not good ones.

I admit there were times at discovery of my DH's affair that I wished all manner of nasty accidents on OW (some particularly nasty fantasies carried out by my own hands ) but when I had the chance at the beginning to inflict some pain on OW ie get her the sack, I didn't because of her DC. This I think seperates us from OW, we thought of others and not just ourselves.

Your OW was totally responsible for her choices and unfortunately her DC are paying for it .

I also think society's attitude to death maybe isn't helping you either ie mustn't speak ill of the dead etc. This woman wasn't particularly nice to you in life so why should your feelings for her change in death.

I doubt I would feel any different to you if DH's OW met an untimely end, I am sure that DH would feel sorry for her DC though as he felt sorry for them whilst he was living there for those 6 weeks .