Recovery after an affair

[sheba2288]

After taking huge adviceand comfort, and despite Robberbutton's change in situation, I know there are a couple of us 'survivors' out there. So this is a thread in which I hope we can help survive together.

Brief background on my situ - been with H for 20plus years, married with 2 DCs. H had affair with work colleague last year. I discovered last July. Had a rough summer/autumn, 2 close relatives' deaths added to our turmoil.

Since this Feb, there has been a turning point (thanks to MN advice), and things are starting to be a lot more positive. However.... I am often felt let down and hurt. When does it all go away????

@ Aisling, really hope the Ads help, I'm on them too...And wine...And chocolate...And lime doritos.

I've been lurking for a while too (having posted previously after confirmation of DH's EA). Eating and sleeping a little better but still wake up in the night sometimes and that's the first thing I think about. DH keeps talking about moving on too but still not getting enough positivity from him (I don't think there will ever be enough to be honest). I guess there will always be trust issues? I'm just so hoping that we'll come out of this with a stronger relationship (things certainly seem so much better than they were) and I have to just believe that this is what he wants and there isn't any more contact because I don't think I could ever go through this again. I'm having good and bad days too and still get angry but have to keep it all inside otherwise I get 'you're never going to get beyond this are you?'

Thank you cloudybay, how long have you been on ADs ? Do they help ?
Have you had any side effects ?

I've been on them on and off for years as suffer from bad PMT and it helps with that. Initial side effects were nausea, loss of appetite (wooh hoo), and bit of an upset tummy, but nothing long lasting. Depending on the dose (in my case low), I didn't feel detatched or strange, just a bit more 'on the level' and less volatile and moody.

Snap.....can't believe I am eating sensibly for the first time in my adult life!

Long may it continue - hope they help you through a bad time.

I take it you will be putting the sensible eating on the shelf this weekend though ?!

Finally feeling a bit happier and that I may have turned a corner. Saying this because I haven't thought that much about it, when I have I've been able to do so without any gut wrenching, and have been able to have the everyday normal "discussions" with DH (eg about housework, who moved the remote, who needs to change the cat litter) without it degenerating into "well you're a cheating bastard" which is what happened for 16 months prior to now.

Nearly W-T !

Good for you! 'Snap' again, every little arguements turns into me taking the moral highground because he cheated.Have been calmer since starting the ADs....but then, there has been no triggers since. Twenty two months on now.

Everyonebutme - I tackled my H about him not helping me "get beyond this". If he is serious about staying with you and repairing the damage, it is his duty to help you feel better when you're down, surely. Otherwise you are left feeling responsible for "spoiling" time together, which is completely insane. Don't let him off that hook.

DH and I talked around in circles again last night, and although he gets nothing out of it I often get a tiny little more insight each time into what is going on in his head. He gets really exasperated by it, but, like you Aislingorla I feel like I hit a wall a few weeks ago and am still trying to find a way over it. I saw a counsellor yesterday, alone, because I really need to sort my own thoughts and needs out in my head. Everything is so muddled and I am exhausted by all the endless swinging from optimism to the depths of despair.

Have a good Easter, all [busmile]

Thanks Twostraightlines I do agree. Had a good day yesterday but the day before I was feeling really down. I told him I was concerned about this week as I would be working and he wasn't and the children would be at school so he has an 'opportunity' and it must have been on these type of occasions when it happened before. I had to tell him what was going on in my head but I'm still worrying about it and yes it does sometimes feel as though I'm 'spoiling' our times together by being down or sharing my concerns.

Hi everyone, Cloudybay - your name always makes me think of yummy white wine

The main thing I get from this thread is that everyone is in the same position that their H's don't want to discuss the details. I could have written the things that lots of you have put, mine says that unless I can forget then we are doomed. Now, of course I just say nothing but get the odd dig in when it can be taken 2 ways, very healthy! They just don't understand that the not knowing detail is far worse as your mind creates terrible scenarios.

I have been laying low as the whole thing with OW dying is that it went very public (the tragedy), so I have been avoiding the thread in case anyone who may know me is lurking. The funeral and all the fundraising is now over, the only other thing that may happen is an inquest as the incident was not the first and there was someone 'enabling' her with alcohol for their own reasons. I have painted myself into a corner with H as I have been saying since discovery that I couldn't properly move on until she left (her house had been on the market several times but was such a pigsty there were no takers). He didn't know about the fundraiser and deliberately made sure he worked from home on the day of the funeral so i knew he didn't go, but since the initial discussion about her death we haven't really talked about it. What is tormenting me now is what she may have told people that I know, as there was a facebook announcement of the fundraiser and some of my fb friends copied and pasted it. I have to keep reminding myself that she is dead and I am alive, with lovely DC's. H has really tried to put it behind us and is always around and thoughtful, but sometimes I just want to slap him senseless.

Can I jump in?

I found out about DH's EA in January. I caught him before it became physical but he admitted that was where it was likely to go.

I received great advice from here and it has really helped us both. We have both read Shirley Glass's book and we have had good counselling. DH has really worked hard to restore my faith and has answered every question and made all of his communications open to me.

But something is not right. My feelings seem to be almost identical to Walesblackbird in fact I cried when I read -

"I do sometimes wonder if it's worth staying or whether I'm doing the right thing. I do love dh very much but I wonder sometimes whether I actually know him - or like him, even."

"On the one hand I know exactly how he ticks but then do I? He had an affair and deep down I knew something wasn't quite right and I recognised that he wasn't being particularly convincing when he lied. But the man I thought I knew wouldn't lie or would he?"

"I look at him sometimes and think what a horrible person you are. As well being unable to trust him I have little respect for him because of the way he's behaved."

I told him last night that I don't know if I love him any more. Everything has changed. I want things to work between us, but he just doesn't make me happy any more, because he has changed things. I think I am only keeping us together because I don't want to hurt our kids. But I can't carry on like this.

Please tell me it will get better.

Gwink, I think we all go through those feelings. Our DH have to understand that it is down to them to earn our trust and respect again - it is all about the actions. Are you seeing appropriate actions ?

My DH's affair was the result of a major mid life crisis/breakdown type thing, his affair was the lowest he got but there were other behaviours that were having a detrimental effect on us and the family. First of all, he turned our business around (his behaviours had impacted big time on the business, financially, his relationship with staff members, clients etc) - that was the first and most important thing he had to do (otherwise we would have lost everything). By doing this, working all hours and other people acknowledging the change in him, he started to earn my respect again, the trust thing came later, many weeks/months down the line but only with complete openness from him - I don't think it can be earnt any other way.

I find this time of year extremely hard as he left me at the beginning of the Easter holidays and I found out about the affair on the Mayday holiday.

We all have to make time for ourselves, do things/achieve things to help heal ourselves, to bolster our own self esteem so we do not have to rely on our DHs if that makes sense.

Off on a mini cruise this weekend (to replace the bad memories of May day with good ones )

That's the thing - he is really trying, but it all feels a bit fake to me. It's hard to explain, but it feels like he is putting on an act to attone for his behaviour. It doesn't feel natural or sustainable. And, though I love the fact that he is trying, it doesn't seem to make me like him any more. I don't have any massive trust issues at the moment, I am happy that he has no contact with the OW, and he is very open. I just don't enjoy being with him any more. He doesn't make me happy, he just irritates me.

I don't feel angry now, I just feel disappointed, let down and emotionless.

I start back at work soon after a 3 year break and I'm hoping that might even things out a bit. Perhaps I need a cruise - it sounds like a great idea - enjoy!

Gwink it is completely natural to feel like this, you have been terribly let down by the person you trusted most. I'm nearly 3 yrs on from discovery of what was basically a ONS and sometimes look at my H and feel very let down by his deceit and sneaking around for entirely selfish reasons. I definitely like him less than I did but perhaps that is not a bad thing as I am no longer the trusting fool that I was. There is still enough left to make me want it to work out though and the times I could slap the heck out of him are getting less. I do have an internal monologue where I say the things I no longer rant out loud, which amuses me now instead of frustrating me like it used to.

Counting, I hate this time of year too. Have a lovely trip and here's to some lovely new memories.

Hi Gwink. I think it's still very early days for you. In the book, Shirley Glass says that staying together for the DCs IS an ok place to start, as long as it doesn't remain the main reason. But I guess it takes ages, months if not years, to rebuild and regain love, trust and respect, so don't feel disheartened that it's not there yet.

Counting, have a fantastic time!

to Sheba, am still here! thanks for thinking of me xx

Thank you everyone. This thread is very helpful. I'm feeling much better today - onwards and upwards!

Hi, this is probably the wrong thing to do but I have seen some stuff on chat that said there was some trolls on Relationships. I know that my situation has become very strange and awful for the OW's ds but I wanted to reassure everyone on here that its all absolutely true. I am regular poster on MN and have name changed for this.

I've name-changed too. I read the whole thread and didn't doubt you Thunder.

Thanks Gwink

Does anyone else not know what the OW looks like? I don't, and I'm not sure whether that's a good or a bad thing.

seachange I do and to be honest it makes imagining my H having sex with her even easier. :(

Could I also ask if watching the royal wedding has made anyone else feel really sad? It has me. I am only a month in from finding out but hearing them say their vows just made me feel so sad that my H broke his wedding vows. I'm really upset tonight . :(

I don't belong here on grounds of H having moved out now. But am an avid lurker.

Whole Royal wedding thing has made me quite sad tbh.

lawriemarlow Glad it's not just me. It has brought it home to me how far we are from the happy couple that got married 7 years ago. :(

Have also lurked. Seachange, I didn't know, but she was from our local small town, and had made threats to my DS's. After a few months I did see her - and she really wasn't anything special. In fact, a lot of the negative comments DH made about her were proved. 3 years later, I know I wouldn't recognise her if I passed her, she's pretty nondescript.

DS1 was (and, as it turns out, is) still worried about her, and we've recently had some issues around how we handled things then and now. Turns out he doesn't feel safe still because her family are still local.

Re royal wedding, had a few sad feelings if I'm honest, because absolutely nothing exists from our wedding day now (unless mil has any photos). And I'm just beginning to realise that trying to be colder/harder/less emotional etc as I have been doing, thinking that I've been more realistic about "life" actually has done more harm than good, because it's so far from being what the real me is! That and the fact that DS2's school has been doing weddingstuff all week, and I can't show him anything. Somehow I didn't see that coming.

toomanyeasterbunnies, that's what I fear. I saw one photo of her on H's phone, and I remember thinking "really? Meh." but it's just a blur now. Most of the time I'm thankful not to have more fuel for my imagination :( but then occasionally like tonight I get a mad half hour when I can't stop thinking about what she looks like and get stressed and upset.

Latteaddict sorry about your situation, must be awful to have the DCs involved like that :(

We watched the wedding and I was ok actually. But I felt strong today, like I didn't care what happened with us and I would be fine whatever (although H wouldn't!). I like those days.