Recovery after an affair

[sheba2288]

After taking huge adviceand comfort, and despite Robberbutton's change in situation, I know there are a couple of us 'survivors' out there. So this is a thread in which I hope we can help survive together.

Brief background on my situ - been with H for 20plus years, married with 2 DCs. H had affair with work colleague last year. I discovered last July. Had a rough summer/autumn, 2 close relatives' deaths added to our turmoil.

Since this Feb, there has been a turning point (thanks to MN advice), and things are starting to be a lot more positive. However.... I am often felt let down and hurt. When does it all go away????

Thanks both of you, it does make me feel better. The reason its everywhere at the moment is that she had one young adult DS and he has been literally left with no one. There doesn't seem to be any money to pay for the funeral etc and no one knows what is going to happen to her house (she was going through a divorce). Its tragic for him so I have tried to focus on that but its made me replay all the events of the affair/discovery in my head. People who have no idea of our history have said "isn't it tragic about XXXXXX..." and I have just mumbled something about "yes" but all the time have wanted to scream about what a mess she was, drinking herself into oblivion every night and deliberatly targetting involved men to make herself feel better (I'm not the only one who was cheated on with her, but I am possibly the only one who found out).FWIW, she was beastly to me and has tried to openly ridicule me when she has seem me out with my DC's knowing I couldn't retaliate.

THundersighs - that must be so difficult to deal with but sounds as though you are doing a good job. If it makes it easier, rather than talk about her, talk about how tragic it is for her DS (because you genuinely DO feel sorry for him) and keep the conversation about him. Poor lad.

Amicable - hope you managed the handover without breaking your STBX's face. Here's a handy hint, given me by a friend - bottles in the bottle bank - you get to smash stuff without having to clean it up. Or, failing that, take the glasses/plates or whatever you fancy smashing out to the wheelie bin and lob 'em in there at high velocity - still cuts out the need to clear up. And smashing stuff really does help. Pillows can be a bit lacking in resistance, I found - but then I nearly broke my hand a couple of times, hitting the wall and a street sign that had ex's name on . you could try one of <a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Stress-Buster-Desktop-Punching-Ball/dp/B000UC7FMOwww.amazon.co.uk/Stress-Buster-Desktop-Punching-Ball/dp/B000UC7FMO?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-relationships-1178609-Recovery-after-an-affair" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">these desktop punchballs - putting a photo of your STBXH on it might help too

The only other thing is to channel the hate and the rage into getting things done - if you can use the power of them to focus on getting out of your marriage asap, that might help. There's a lot of energy there - try and use it for motivation rather than suppressing it.

Counting - not at all surprised about your ex's reaction, his OW's or the solicitor's. NO allowance is ever made for the injured party's feelings.
(Although, having said that, a friend of mine went after her H with the breadknife - chased him out of the house with it - when he told her he was leaving her. He didn't cite that in the divorce, but he could have, I guess. Sometimes people do take responsibility for the emotions they have stirred up!)

Amicable I have no advice re anger, I'm hopeless with it. I tend to bottle it up until it makes me cry, which doesn't help, or resort to sarcasm, which is no better. I know what you mean about feeble pillow punching. Try a game of squash, there is no better sport for letting out pent up fury! I hope you managed not to break STBX's nose...

Thundersighs, I suppose you must tell yourself for now that "this too will pass". All the focus and sympathy for her will blow over as soon as the funeral is over. In the meantime though is your H helping with how all this has made you feel?

DH and I went away at the weekend, and it was mostly good, but bad when we rowed, provoked partly by us not going to the concert that was the original reason for the break (because surprise surprise OW announced at work that she was going, and there was no way I was going to spend a single second breathing the same air as that poisonous witch). He gets exasperated with me for "continually focussing on her", he says he feels watched and scrutinised all the time. God knows I would like to lock her in box in my mind and throw away the key, but as long as she is part of his daily life I can't pretend she doesn't exist and blindly and silently put my faith in him to behave honourably. Particularly as he didn't respect the boundaries he swore were in place the last time she tried to wriggle back into this private life.

I can see that he can feel suffocated by it, but he needs to take responsibility for the consequences of his actions, not just take the good bits and blame me for spoiling things when I get upset

Haven't posted for a few days but have kept an eye on the thread. Had an OK weekend - exhausted by the last one, so relieved this past one went wihtout incident. I do feel numb though, as though life is just moving along without solid purpose.

I have been reading the Saturday Times column written by Melanie Reid, who has been left paralysed by a freak horse riding accident. She is such a strong character and reading her column makes me feel so inadequate. I hope I can gather some grasp to life, at the moment, it just feels too hard. Pathetic isn;t it?

That said, H has been actually responding to my 'down' mood and is trying his best to cheer me up. Maybe he will eventually man up?

Thunder - hope you have been feeling 'less' guilty.
TSL - at least that dreaded weekend has now passed
Amicable - how are you?
Counting - you too?

Thinking of all the 'survivors' - this bloody weather isn't helping!

Hi all,

I too have been watching the thread but sometimes have felt like I needed a bit of normality for a while which includes trying not to dwell on our or anyone elses situation which is affair linked. Think this may indicate things are improving which in the most they are.

Done that for a couple of weeks and have resorted back to thinking back over things due to a session we had in joint counselling last week. This was about our family's and looking at our upbringing. I have just had to accept that there was nothing in our upbringing that could've underpinned what he did and need to accept that that these were choices he made. That he crossed the line in the first instance, maintained it even with questionning about specific changes or things noticed that were clearly a very close call to me finding out. He also, after the discovery contacted her and took two days of questionning and sidelining me before he admitted he had texted her. That was only after I took strength from MN to challenge his previous lies!

We are on track now and he has been very loyal and affectionate. He has attended couples counselling and produced phone bills (only requested since suffsexperience). He could have done no more. Also in discussions with new companies re new job. (Works within same building as OW).

I have just decided I need to ask what we knew would come out in counselling and had deliberatly not discussed before the sessions. What was the meaning of his affair and what he said to himself that did give him permission and also what maintained it. I have asked about the logistics but now am needing to know his thoughts. This will be hard for both of us as things are moving but are sticking a bit more as have been thinking about how to discuss it in next weeks counselling.

I hope you are all copingTSL,sheba, counting. Welcome thunder but so sorry you are embroiled in what seems to be a nightmare.

I work in palliative /end of life care sheba so should feel more humble. Some days I do think that things could be far worse but others cannot fail to feel sorry for myself!!

Is it the weekend yet? oh bugger it!!

Does anyone else go through days of positivety about the relationship then days when you think 'could this still b happening ?', 'am I being a idiot?'. No evidence or instincts, just fear I guess. Struggling with this at mo. DH works away quite frequently although always in touch etc. Going away for 3 nights next week. Feeling anxious about it. Tend to stew when he/s not here.
Hol on friday though so will be away together straight away.

God I hate this rollacoaster!

Hi Holding - yes I certainly seem to be going through periods like you described. H is away during the week most weeks, and I still to have a niggling feeling yet nothing is happening untowards. He is also much more in contact.
But I guess when a person who supposedly loves/d you chose in that period to deceive us in whatever manner and for how long, then it is going to take a while to get over. I did actually tell H my feelings about the anxiety - helped him to 'get' me a bit.

How do you feel about the holiday Holding? Looking forward to it? I think I was very anxious on our first break away, got the feeling that H thought he was going to be grilled 24/7, which didn't happen. Sounds like you are moving in a positive fashion, which is a good thing?

Hi Sheba,
Feel guilty not been on for a while but trying to get back to 'normality'!!

Really looking forward to a break. We are going to a place in Devon we visit every year and know v well. Sisters and their families will overlap which will be nice.

One sister aware, though not in any detail. She recognised my 'look' when I got upset at xmas and spent a bit of time with me when I'd encouraged DH to go away for the w/end to his cousins and think about things just after discovery. I have spared her the details for the sake of our recovery, but she experienced similar situation with her first husband.

Thankfully we are not staying in the house we regularly visit and went to twice last year during affair. This one was, however, the cottage where I found by chance a text from her and although not too inappropriate, got upset and alarmed at a female colleague texting him from a hol with her female rels, the April before full blown affair started.
The begining of the EA I feel.

Mixed views really but a long standing family hol destination so am going to make a pact with myself to enjoy it and not think about the crap. We need to get over this one. Planning a lovely hol abroad this year. something we've never doen with kids.

Sounds like your having your ups and downs. Hope everything generally ok. Can't remember, did you have counselling?

Holding, yes I have positive days, when we are in synch and everything seems normal, usually followed by a series of negative ones, like now. I think it's a defence mechanism - not wanting to settle into anything too comfortable until we are as sure as we can be that we aren't being made fools of again. I stew endlessly when H is out/at work.

Your holiday sounds great, and good for you going into it with such a positive attitude. Make sure you have a fab time, don't let anyone spoil it for you

The other day DH said "I know you don't trust me" with a great sigh. But I'm hardly in a position to change that all by myself. I have told him over and over that until he can be open and frank with me about any non-professional contact I cannot stop wondering. Particularly as there is a gap between how he says he feels (it is all clear in his mind) and how he has acted recently (not making it clear to her that she has no place in his private life). Which again makes me wonder if he really has let go. He says we should be concentrating just on us, not on her. I wish he would make that possible.

Spoke to my doctor today and got the name of a good counsellor, just for me. Our couples counsellor isn't much good but he isn't keen to change, to retell the story to someone else.

hi holding & tsl
yes, having a wobble at the mo. H really not well, ie think he's having a breakdown. Has made an apptmt to see GP but not til after the Easter hols. We just seem to be cruising a bit. Getting on fine but very distant at the same time. He's having a really stressful time at work at the mo, so I seem to be the one who isbeing the supporter (again!)

I'm fine in myself but just a bit numb. Do I sound a bit mad?
Glad u are looking forward to yr hols holding. Just be prepared for the emotions, especially if it was the place where you first found evidence.

In relation to counseling, yes we have been a few times, can't say they helped enormously but it did pave a way for better communication, at the time.

Hi TSL and Sheba,
I think I've decided in counselling, with my insight now into the the aftermath of the affair through the eyes of Shirley Glass, that I can direct the counsellor subtley in the direction I want to go. She seems very broad minded but willing to discuss what things we need to.

She seems to set up a rough idea on what to work on but always asks how the week has gone and is willing to explore any discussions that come of that.

I ended up letting my DH know why I was a bit distant lately and that I had been thinking more about the whys and wherefores of the affair. He asked!!
He finds it very difficult to discuss at home but for some reason not in counselling. He said he really didn't know if he could answer all my questions about why but agreed that he was hoping we could get to it in counselling this week. He is realising the harder questions will come but very keen to 'be happy'! Reminded him that there is a process if we are going to reach true, consistent happiness. If we don't it will never b real.

Why he didn't mention this before he ballsed up I'll never know!!

Can't really grumble though. Being very patient. Would like to know though ,like you TSL, about contact at work with OW. A big office and says that just is avoided. I don't know if I can buy that. He hates atmospheres so cannot imagine this ongoing. Desperate for him to move jobs. Nearly head hunted but in discussions weren't quite what they needed. Other options within same company but based at home and away.
Will push this during hols.

Take care both.

Another week done and dusted!!

You don't sound mad at all Sheba. You sound like you have temporarily shut down your emotions while you support your H with his breakdown. The chances are that when his crisis has passed you will let yourself feel things properly again, and it will be his turn to help you. Sending you lots of strength and a large .

holding good for you going on the holiday with such a great attitude. Don't let anyone spoil it! Your counsellor sounds good, better than ours, certainly. And good that your H will talk about things somewhere. My H is just keen to be happy too. Of course they do, having so very nearly lost it all. What worries me about this is that atm he feels like a survivor of a plane crash and so for now is happy just to be here. I worry that when he is over that euphoria he might start wanting more than he is entitled to again. He had the slapper on the side for such a long time, after all

I hope your H finds a job he is happy with asap. Not a lot of chance mine will, but he has decided that the only way I will be able to consign her to the dustbin of irrelevance is for him to leave. Well yes that would be good, but he could start with telling her straight how things are. But of course he won't do the latter

I'll pour myself a too...

Hi everyone, hope you are all ok. I've been keeping a low profile as I was worried that someone may recognise the OW's circumstances as it has suddenly got quite high profile (press interest in tragic death, fundraising for son so posters everywhere etc.) and I didn't want to be outed. Now I just think bollocks to it, I've done nothing wrong.

I was dreading this weekend as there is a fundraiser which H must know about but he hasn't mentioned it - we've been studiously avoiding mentioning her at all - so I am on high alert in case he goes, not that he would be that stupid after everything. The funeral is also this coming week and I will be watching closely then, just in case. I realise that its all in my head and that he wouldn't risk everything after all this time by going behind my back, but she is literally everywhere I look at the moment as her picture is in all the local shops etc. By this time next week it will be over, although not for her poor son. Thanks again for all your support, you have been wonderful.

Hi Thunder. Difficult week for you again. Hang on tight, it'll be over soon. Did your H go to the fundraiser? Bloody hope not.

I had a crap weekend. I have felt down for ages and couldn't pretend to be all jolly at the weekend. When I'm down he instinctively recoils (he feels responsible, guilty and "can't find the resources" to help me out of it), so I am left to feel sad alone. And then we have a rubbish time. And I am sick of having to deal with all the emotions that he has caused by myself, and of feeling 100% responsible for whether or not we enjoy our time together.

I told him all this last night, along with how terrible he makes me feel most of the time without realising - eg no compliments ever, at a time when my self-esteem couldn't be lower, radio silence about work and OW when he knows that I need to know of any non-professional contact, general silence about most things, in fact. It's like he wants to sweep the episode under the carpet rather than deal with it.

I said I couldn't carry on for much longer living with someone who makes me feel so bad, both because of his past actions and his present ones (or lack of), and asked him how he'd feel if we did end up separating. "Pissed off" was the general gist.

TSL sorry you're sounding so low. How did your H react to all the things you said. Mighty row or just silence?

At least you have told him how you are feeling. I'm back at a stage of treading on eggshells again. I know H has huge work issues but that doesn't mean I am left at the bottom of priorities again. I too have told him this, but it all seems too much. But on a positive note, he is seeking help, and so I am waiting to see what transpires from that.

I can't remember whether you, TSL, have gone for any counselling. It wasn;t a very effective route for us as such, but I have a H who has not been too willing to open up, especially in circumstances you described, ie feeling too guilty and responsible himself. Can't these bloody men see they need to get their ar**es into gear and be a better man after all this bloody hurt they've caused!!!

Thinking of you and all the other 'survivors'

Silence, mostly. He says he understands what I'm saying, which is better than denying it or arguing, but then if he gets it, why is he making it worse by doing sweet FA! He is doing some good things - making more time for us, being a lot none of the things I desperately need from him? He is doing some good things - he is more patient and calm with the DC and he makes more time for us. But this it isn't enough to repair a marriage. It doesn't make me feel loved. I so agree about being man enough to face up to the consequences.

And then I feel bad because I feel like I'm trying to get him to be someone he isn't - someone loving and affectionate, thoughtful and kind. He used to be these things, many moons ago, but that is long since gone. Still he managed to change into someone who could lie and cheat without too much of a struggle

We are seeing a counsellor, but not very often (once a fortnight at best, but next session will be a month after the last) but she isn't much good. I'm sticking with it for now because at least she gets H talking a bit, and she occasionally has something pertinent to say to H that has much more effect than if it came from me.

I do hope your H can stop wallowing and get the help he needs. Are you sure it's not just a ploy to avoid dealing with things? Though you say he has lots of work stress. In any case you having to tiptoe around someone is awful at any time, and much worse now. Have you got any plans for Easter? Something to cheer yourself up? See a friend? Eat chocolate?!

Your H and mine sound as though they were seperated at birth TSL! I, too, would love to see the man of old. Maybe we have to accept that that person may not return. Yet the one in front of me isn't too bad 80% of the time. Like you, much more time spent with DCs, weekends have been non work for months, jobs being done without being hassled. BUT I (and I think you too) want H to protect us and make us feel secure again. Secure in the knowledge that the stupid mistake they made was a one-off episode and it will NEVER happen again.

My H isn't wallowing as such. In fact I truly believe he is going through a nervous breakdown in front of me. Whether he chooses to speak out to his GP is the only thing I can wait and see. At the moment, it seems like a period of treading water. Seems to be a cycle for us this - deep despair that we both cant get past - huge emotional reconnection - a lull in emotions whereby we stop/suspend communication - back to deep despair again, and so the cycle goes on.

However, on reflection, we are 'better' than when I first started this post. I think. I am continuing to express my despair, even throughout this current period of 'numbness'. He knows how I feel at the moment. I know he is avoiding at the moment. But he's avoiding touching upon any of his feelings at the moment. Regards the affair, his recent bereavement, his work, our families and friends.

I am making sure I am not going to let him/our situation at the moment spoil my time with the DCS. Had a lovely weekend. And had a lovely day today with the rest of the week planned out too. Too many school holidays have been wasted on me sitting around in my PJs til 2pm, just letting them play on their consoles/laptops. I hope you are taking the same attitude too...!

Some progress - I think some of what I said the other night might have got through. He was far more attentive and responsive to my low mood yesterday, and by bedtime I was feeling a bit less down. I hope he can see that him taking responsibility not just for what he did, but for all of its consequences is vital if we are to have any kind of future together.

We have the same cycles as you, Sheba. I don't know how par for the course they are, but I get the feeling that having a silent, brooding man in the mix accentuates, even causes, the despair part of the cycle for us. I'm glad you aren't going to let it spoil your time with the DC. How old are they? Do they know what is going on?

School hols start this weekend for us. H has the first week off so will be in charge of house & DC for most of the week while I work. After that I'll be working from home and entertaining DC which always feels like the worst of both worlds.

HI TSL - good to hear some progress. Same here. I spoke out about this current period of non-communication the other night. It seems he has taken some steps to seperate himself from any one to one contact with OW, for a couple of weeks now. It would have helped a lot if he told me, the stupid man!

I'm glad I'm not the only one who experiences this 'cycle'. I can only think that we (DW'ves) will have to be the forceful ones in leading communication. I know some may think this tact shows the unwillingness of our Hs' to truly atcke responsiblility for their actions. It may be true, but I think every case/relationship is different.

H has brought up the fact that he will never put me through this again. He is adamant that he wants 'us' - I just wished he was able to express it to me a bit more.

My DCs are unaware of the situation as such. They were present during some terrible terrible arguments but we didn't throw direct insults/accusations in front of them. I'm pretty sure that my eldest does have a clue it's just they have never confronted either of us directly.

Having a lovely week so far. This weather is definitely helping!!!! Hope you manage to get some downtime with and without the DCs during the next couple of weeks. X

Looks like it's just you and me now Sheba, I hope everyone else is ok.

Your DH sounds so like mine that your comments make me smile (in a weird way), particularly him not thinking to tell you about the steps he's taking to detach from OW. Good grief, like these things aren't relevant! Don't they get how impossible it is for us to "move on" and "concentrate on us" if it isn't crystal clear that the OW has been consigned to the bin of stupid mistakes?

DH has been characteristically silent about contact with OW since the concert weekend, so I will be asking him about it when he comes home tomorrow. I'm pretty sure she will have attempted to tell him how brilliant it was and I need to know how he coped with that.

Glad you're having such a good week. We're going away for Easter weekend with DH's family, which could be nice if the weather holds, but I am sort of dreading it too as I/we are likely to be under silent scrutiny from them, and discussed at length afterwards...

Yes it does look like it's just us two TSL! I hope the others are ok too, either just lurking, or may have even taken greater steps in their recovery? Hope the latter - Suff if you are lurking - hope ok.

Your words 'move on' and 'concentrate on us' - are you sure your H is not mine?! If I hear that one more time, I will throttle him!!!

Hope you have a good Easter. The sun is still shining and looks like it will continue. Sometimes it is good to take one's head of this darkness. Stuff DH's family - at the end of the day, do they really know the full story? That's how I've learnt to deal with my lot. If their opinion is not one you previously thought highly of, then I would try and put it past you now. No one can stop others from drawing other conclusions...

What is the difference between an ea and an normal affair? Is an ea affair without sex?

Hi everyone, I have been lurking but didn't feel I have much to add. Not sure I could have/would have coped if my DH worked with or in the same building as OW. I was in right state without having to deal with that too.

If I am honest we didn't really turn a corner on trust or complete safety until 9/10 months after discovery and as I said before DH has taken himself back to counselling to try and sort his head out and come to terms with his past.

Hope everyone has a peaceful Easter - remember it is a time for new beginnings, re birth and forgiveness (understand if you can't manage that yet [bugrin])

Still following this thread. I 'hit a wall' recently and realised I had become depressed and anxious and was having regular angry outbursts at my DH.It was like I was regressing in my recovery.
I went to my GP and am now taking antidepressents. I'm feeling better but this has been very difficult for me as I thought I was doing so well.

I've been following the thread too, but haven't posted.

Happy to report that it's been 4 weeks since my last emotional meltdown, which is the longest I've managed since D-Day. Things with (D)H much better at the moment, though does anyone else have experience of this:

I'm stressed or upset about something - anything - but certainly not THAT, and he gets all worried asking me if I am OK and what's wrong, and I can just tell he thinks I am thinking about THAT and is worrying that I am about to lose it. Then it comes into my head when it was never there, and reminds me what happened.

It's so annoying. GRRRRR