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Original poster

Can't believe I'm typing this. DH and hotel booking

182 replies

BrokenTree · 22/03/2011 12:43

Dh away overnight on business. He was sorting his paperwork this morning and I saw the hotel confirmation. It was:- One Room: Two Adults...... I asked why it said that and he just said "oh must just be the bog-standard booking if you have a double room" or similar words.

Needless to say something rankled and I went to the Hotel website to make a booking and, guess what, you need to click down to confirm the number of guests.... It starts with 1.

Have spent the morning feeling sick, shaky and tearful. This can't be real. It just can't. Sad I am a stupid, smug cow. What my DH be unfaithful?! Don't be ridiculous, etc., etc.

Don't really know what I expect anyone to say just need to get it out there so to speak. It could be an innocent mistake couldn't it? Sad

OP posts:
Hereforlife · 24/03/2011 19:20

Is there a possibility this could become a self-fulfilling prophesy?

If you keep checking on him and not trusting him, and he knows that, might this end up driving him away?

Original poster
BrokenTree · 24/03/2011 19:22

Well the thing is they stopped after we had our talks (quite a few) about boundaries and why I thought it really wasn't on that he was sending a single woman (albeit friend of his and someone I knew) those sort of emails. That's it really until my meltdown moment the other day when I saw that hotel confirmation.

Now I don't know what to think.

OP posts:
Original poster
BrokenTree · 24/03/2011 19:24

Hereforlife - you could be right. I just know that at the moment I am wired, jittery and feeling just down right odd. And he doesn't seem to want to talk or reassure me and I can't ask him.

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 24/03/2011 19:25

Brokentree, I think you need to trust you instincts here. The hotel confirmation may indeed be totally innocent, especially as he didn't exactly hide it from you. But, the contact with the ow sounds like it was getting into very dangerous territory, and it certainly hasn't been resolved to your satisfaction. Did he make you feel you were being stupid by getting upset?

Did the emails talk of meeting up? Did he divulge personal stuff about your marriage to her? Does he have no contact with her now, as far as you know?

NimpyWindowmash · 24/03/2011 21:03

If you can manage to have that talk, his reaction will tell you so much.

DandyLioness · 25/03/2011 00:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iscream · 25/03/2011 08:32

OP, I don't get a suspicious vibe from anything that you have written here.
From what you said he has said, it doesn't sound like he is cheating on you.
I hope I am right, and you two can get things sorted out.

madmn52 · 25/03/2011 08:37

I too have a DH who women seem very drawn to and has many female friends but also many male. He is a good laugh, loves a gossip, loves female company and a great listener. Unfortunately some women mistake this for something more. One such female 'friend' wanted to meet up for a 'drink' to catch up then announced she had booked them a room 'to chat properly' - he beat a hasty retreat. Also I had to point out to him once that an ex of his who practically mounted him every time we met socially and acted lovely to me would later blank me in the ladies and give me filthy looks Hmm. The first time we met she didnt - then she actually 'warned' me it wouldnt last and he still loved her Shock - I took the conscious decision not to tell him about that 'warning' when I came out the loos in case he pulled her up thus giving her satisfaction she'd rattled us. It did her head in when she came back over and no reaction - so round one to me but after a year or so of this I did tell him how she was toward me in his absence. It was screamingly obvious to me she still had it bad for him - hence the behaviour but he being a modest and very chivalrous type took a lot of persuading what was really going on and started to politely discourage her.

So I know what the poster meant who said she worries more about other women because there are definitely 'types' (male and female) who see someone in a relationship as a challenge and will not give up easily. I dont agree it means you necessarily think your DH is devoid of social skills etc to deal with this - it is more an annoyance really - lets face it if someone kept trying to burgle your house but was never successful it would still bloody annoy you. I too feel certain my DH would never instigate an affair or one night stand but I certainly wouldnt blame him any less.

Again its back down to trust but also self confidence and OP I agree with others its not 'smug' to feel your DH would never be unfaithful. I feel 'smugly' confident my DH would never be unfaithful despite his open friendly nature and apparent oblivion to when he's being hit upon. I think the OP and anyone else in an exclusive relationship should be entitled to feel the same and however difficult you do need to talk. My DH and I had an unresolved issue - nothing to do with our relationship or this thread subject but my DH used to do that 'Oh here we go again' routine to avoid confronting it and I just used to say 'and here we'll keep going again until its resolved to both our satisfaction !!'

blondegirl1979 · 25/03/2011 09:25

I will admit that I have not read the whole thread of this as I am at work, but I skimmed. I would just like to say that I frequently stay at travel lodges/Premier inns for work, and I always book for 2 people because you get more pillows and towels.

TobyLerone · 25/03/2011 09:36

"Longing to see you again! WTF. That's not innocent, or if it is, I'm a turnip."

One of my very best friends is male and I haven't seen him since the end of last year. I said exactly this to him the other day. We're meeting up next weekend. There is absolutely nothing suspicious in this, as far as I can see.

SudashesaliveItakeyoutoher · 25/03/2011 09:52

Guess that makes that poster a turnip then ! Grin

perfumedlife · 25/03/2011 10:15

Well, am still here, and very unturnip like! Grin

I know what you mean Toby, I have some great male friends and am very effusive with them, and could say things that on paper may look OTT. But the op didn't know about the emails, it's not like he was saying, oh, I got an email from xxxx today, she is doing x and says hi. It was all very hidden and quiet, and the op had an issue with that. She felt the tone of the emails was 'wrong'

I would have to trust that hunch.

wonkeydonkies · 25/03/2011 10:36

it could become a self fulfilling prophecy you know

you nag and worry and sneak about so much that you drive him away, and all the time there was nothing going on

:(

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 25/03/2011 10:36

I don't think it's ever wise to ignore your gut feelings - even more so when you are being given the 'What NOW??' treatment :(

I'm not sure talking will resolve anything either. If he lied to you, he will just keep lying to you. He's an adult, he knows what is and isn't appropriate. What do you hope to gain from a 'talk' really?

Blu · 25/03/2011 10:55

No, I promise I don't think you are a fruitloop Smile.

Not having answers to something you are worrying about is a horrible situation to be in...and the balance between seeking answers, jumping to conclusions and creating answers which may not be right, and initiating a self-fulfilling prophesy as wonkydonkies says is a fine one.

I could understand it if she was in a vulnrable upset state, using him as her sounding board and SHE said 'longing to see you', bit I agree it is on the more effusive side for him to say to her. 'looking forward to seeing you' more usual between frinds.

Hawklore · 25/03/2011 12:10

it could become a self fulfilling prophecy you know

See, I've seen this kind of thing mentioned a few times on MN and find it a really strange notion. Is the idea that somebody who has been accused/suspected of cheating snaps and thinks "Feck it, might as well cheat if I'm being accused of it anyway!"? Surely only somebody who was going to cheat anyway would use that as an excuse?? Obviously luck of trust is seriously damaging to a relationship, that much goes without saying. But do some folk honestly try and claim they were nagged into infidelity?!

(Sorry - not getting at you by the way wonkey - your post just reminded you I've been meaning to ask about this because I really struggle to get my head round it)

G1nger · 25/03/2011 12:18

Self-fulfilling prophecies are meant to be used to describe something quite different, so yes I agree it's an odd turn of phrase here. I could be told a million times that I'm a "cheat" but that wouldn't make me a cheat. Whereas if the world seemed to insist I'm dog-ugly or stupid at every turn I might come to think I am.

It is worth remembering though that a trust issues can harm a relationship. I also believe in listening to my gut instinct so it's a hard call in this instance. It really could be an innocent mistake, but I would also find it hard to convince myself of the same.

pgpg · 25/03/2011 12:34

If you compared this to a thread about someone trying to deal with a jealous partner (with no foundation in truth) it might be a useful exercise. I'm NOT saying this is the case here, but it's worth weighing things up in this way. If someone knows quite well that they are not being unfaithful then I can definitely imagine that it IS tempting to sigh and say "not this again". That might not be the best way to deal with someone's worried and jealous feelings, but it would be entirely human. He did, after all, offer to come back home. He might have said it in an irritated "oh for heavens sake!" kind of way - but he did offer.

"longing to see you again" is not evidence of anything and could easily be entirely innocent.

I've seen advice given to partners of jealous people which has amounted to: "tell them this nonsense has got to stop" or "reassure them that there is nothing going on and then move on - don't indulge them in their jealous thoughts". I don't know whether this advice is correct, but if this is the way the OP's husband is thinking, then this is what he has done.

I do think it's important to trust your instincts, but I think it's also important to consider that the feelings you have may be caused by your insecurity rather than his infidelity. You may need to consider insisting that he addresses your feelings of insecurity, and why you feel the way you do, rather than trying to find evidence of infidelity. I think this coud break the trust and communication down even further.

pgpg · 25/03/2011 12:35

I can see what is meant by self-fulfilling prophecy - not that it woud drive someone to infidelity directly, but that it WOULD drive a wedge between a couple. Suspicion and lack of trust is very corrosive.

Hawklore · 25/03/2011 12:37

G1nger - definitely agree about trust issues being harmful. I can totally see how a lack of trust could damage and possibly even end a relationship. I can also imagine it's extremely upsetting/insulting/frustrating to be accused of cheating if you're innocent. As you say though - I just don't see how being accused of being a cheat is going to make me somehow more likely to become one? Like I might just think "Oh well, in for a penny and all that..."!! I really don't like the notion that someone like BrokenTree should think twice before talking to her husband about her concerns as if somehow that conversation could be the thing that causes him to stray. Where does that leave someone in this already difficult situation? He might be cheating but you can't ask him about it incase he cheats??

In BT's case I'm still very much hoping that it all turns out to be an innocent mistake. But her nagging gut instinct that something is wrong here is the very thing making me worry that she might well have cause for concern :(

Blu · 25/03/2011 14:06

If I really loved someone and was faithful etc, but they constantly needed reassurance (needy), constantly looked for clues about my fidelity, constantly brought up old issues where they suspected something, I wouldn't think 'may as well be hings fo a sheep as a lamb' and go out and be unfaithful, but i could easlily start to feel v alienated from the relationship.

No-one is saying that this is what Broken Tree is doing, though. Just that over a certain level it could be a risk.

wonkeydonkies · 25/03/2011 14:16

I didnt mean that it would cause him to cheat, just may cause the relationship to deteriorate if she is constantly trying to "prove" something that isnt there

we dont know if it is or if it isnt, he is the only one who knows that :(

atswimtwolengths · 26/03/2011 09:31

I would have insisted on phone sex to send him to sleep.

AnotherMumOnHere · 26/03/2011 10:26

"I would have insisted on phone sex to send him to sleep."

This would have been a great idea and if he had someone with him then he would have tried to avoid.

Good thinking atswimtwolengths.

StealthPolarBear · 26/03/2011 15:32

any update OP, is it 4pm today he will be back?

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