Can't believe I'm typing this. DH and hotel booking

[BrokenTree]

Dh away overnight on business. He was sorting his paperwork this morning and I saw the hotel confirmation. It was:- One Room: Two Adults...... I asked why it said that and he just said "oh must just be the bog-standard booking if you have a double room" or similar words.

Needless to say something rankled and I went to the Hotel website to make a booking and, guess what, you need to click down to confirm the number of guests.... It starts with 1.

Have spent the morning feeling sick, shaky and tearful. This can't be real. It just can't. I am a stupid, smug cow. What my DH be unfaithful?! Don't be ridiculous, etc., etc.

Don't really know what I expect anyone to say just need to get it out there so to speak. It could be an innocent mistake couldn't it?

god sorry to hear that partytime :(

there is something about travelling for business - I think it's the fact that it's giving you an opportunity on a plate, something that's often lacking when you're on home turf iyswim

Opportunity while away no doubt, maybe after dinner a few drinks, many nights on the road in hotels, company, a culture of affairs being acceptable, who knows. Definitely not having the opportunity when at home, the expectation to be home for dinner, Dc's, household chores to see to.

My concern for OP though is the state of mind she will talk herself in to with the suspicion and worry, I had huge anxiety problems, palpatations, shakiness, bad sleeping patterns, and that was before I knew.

Her DH should be reassuring her, doing whatever it takes and she should be talking to him about her fears.

18 months partytime? 18months of suspicion that's incredibly hard. Must have been awful. Hope you are ok now in your new life - last time I read a post from you you were dating a lovely sounding chap!

My DH doesn't work away that often and is now in frequent contact when he does so I have no suspicions there really but I think if someone is intent on being unfaithful they will find a way. They might not have nights languishing in a hotel together but they will have the excitement of a stolen lunch hour here and there. You shouldn't have to police someones time, you should just be able to trust them.

And that's where it sounds like your struggle is brokentrees that your DH isn't receptive to this idea that HE should be reassuring YOU. Like my DH, he sounds defensive and unapproachable. Are they not aware that this makes them seem even less trustworthy?

I hope your chat went ok tonight brokentrees and hasn't resulted in an argument about trust. In my situation a lack of trust is damaging intimacy, though I'm pretending all is fine, just because I don't want yet another argument about trust and I don't want any more browbeating or being told I'm ridiculous. You start to believe it after a while.

Loves2 I am seeing NM, he is lovely but extremely busy so I don't get as much time as I would like, thanks for asking.

It was so very awful, and Broken must deal with this sooner rather than later. I wish her well and hope her fears are unfounded.

Broken, thinking of you. you are just going to have to let this one play out and see what's what when he is back. Fingers crossed for you love!

I've got no advice for you, Brokentree, but wanted to send you a sympathetic hug. Years ago, I couldn't shake off a nasty feeling about H and his secretary while they were away at conference. Hating myself for it, I even phoned each of their rooms. She answered his. They told me they were working all night on the following day's presentation (which I knew he was giving) but, still hating myself, I couldn't stop crying. I made myself forget about it. It turned out later their affair had started at that conference ... and partners were invited

There's sometimes no explaining this instinct thing but - despite the fact that I've often booked myself a double room because they give you a crappy one if they know you're on your own - I would not doubt my feelings in future. They're mine, and I have them for a reason.

I can't say what I could/should have done back then. If we'd had Mumsnet, I'd have posted here to ask WWIFN! One big mistake I realise I made, though, was not to admit my vulnerability - to myself, H or to our friends. I think he would have tried to laugh my fears off and, knowing what I know now, I'd have taken that a sign he didn't care enough about my feelings.

Good luck, whatever you do or don't do. Take very good care of yourself, and don't be afraid to ask for support when you want it.

brokentree, have read whole thread and wanted to send you some support, please read WWIFN answers carefully, she is very wise. Let us know how you get on.

Loves2cycle and broken tree- I just want to say that, I am in a completely trusting relationship - where there has been no breach of trust - but I can tell you that if I want to see my partners emails or texts I can do that whenever I like. I can pick up his phone and say 'ooh who's texting you' or 'ooh let me read that email'. He leaves his emails open and his phone lying around anyway.

I completely cannot understand why people claim that you need to keep these things secret from a partner and I don't know of any friends of mine who would either. Believe me, coming from a point of a view of a happy relationship - I would find it really really unacceptable if my partner hid his phone or emails from me. We are best friends and hide nothing from each other .

Brokentree - trust should be giving willingly - if my DP asked to see my phone id talk him through it!

I feel that you aren't feeling strong enough to enforce your own boundaries of what is acceptable. People can come on here and say 'well I keep my emails private' - well, up to them - but the point about relationships is knowing what YOU want. It's not about others - you don't trust him and want him to prove he can be trusted, yet you don't feel that you can lay down those rules - are you scared of losing him?

He's not worth having if it makes you unhappy because of the lack of trust - believe in yourself, believe you are worth him doing work for - let him know what you need from him to regain his trust - and if he doesn't provide it, you have to be prepared to act..do you have dc?

just to add, WWIFN is right about privacy versus secrecy. I have privacy because my DP would never sit and read through my emails if I left them open - that would be odd - but there is no secrecy, because I don't feel the need to hide anything from him...iyswim? ditto him - I dont nose about in his phone, but he doesn't hide it from me....

oh god, what a nightmare this one sounds. tbh i smell a rat. He wasy calling you at 6 and 10 last night. Sounds like he wanted to make damn sure you didnt go to the hotel and were at home.

Secondly the i will cancel and come home was just to make you feel guilty so he could stay.

Hows things today?

I've not posted but have been reading this thread.

How are you feeling today?

My husband stays away often on business and I too have had the "one room, two people" issue. However I just asked him outright and he denied it. Think he was really worried actually. But I totally believe him.. Think he would make more of an effort with washing if he was meeting someone else
He books with superbreaks most of the time and it always comes up this way!

with OP would put this post to bed (didn't mean that lol)

I used to work with a secretary whose first DH was having an affair whilst allegedly working away on business in London. They had a new baby and had only been married a couple of years. Forget how she found out but she got the train down to London (from North of England) with their young baby - went to the reception of the swanky hotel and asked if he could be called to reception. When she was sure he was coming down she handed the baby over to the startled receptionist turned tail and travelled home alone. He apparently ended up getting demoted to a desk job and his mistress whom he had failed to tell about the baby did a sharp exit possibly not least because of the wifes psycho potential if she was capable of doing that !
She is very very happy now - married again and her child hardly sees its real dad who has apparently married a real harridan and lost most of his money in a business deal.

Meant to add my DH had a period of working away which we both hated and he now works locally but even though we trust each other implicitly I always remember (possibly after watching Fatal Attraction once too often) that it wasnt my DH I didnt trust but other women - you know the predatory sort who seem to get an extra kick from pulling an attached man might sidle up to him in a lonely hotel bar and all that. You see my DH is very very friendly and a great laugh as much with women as men and is the sort women love to work with and feel very comfortable with and latch onto IYSWIM. But I'm sure if one had designs on him he would never see it - he's a bit dim naive like that and very modest.

Is there any chance that you can phone the hotel and ask how many people stayed in the room under the name of , on the night mentioned? If they say just Mr ...., then all ok. However, if hotel says its was MR.... and a Miss . . .
Then he is guilty!
I hope for your sake he isnt having a shag / affair behind your back though. You deserve to get to the bottom of this... confront him.
Best of luck.

Aaarrggghhh! I hate that "it's not my husband I don't trust, it's other women" viewpoint. Like he's some kind of idiot, devoid of morals and social skills, who would be powerless to resist the charms of some 'predatory' woman. Ugh. If he's going to fuck another woman, he's going to fuck another woman. It won't be because he's raped.

well said toby

OP hope you feel better today. I have been reading your thread and agree your dh's behaviour seems suspicious. The reason for booking for 2 people is (apart from towels) mainly for breakfast. I'd insist he showed you the bill. It might reveal something but most importantly it will show him you are on to him. It could dissuade him from doing this in the future (IF he did do anything). Also can you try being open and honest with him about why you've stopped trusting him so that you can work on your marriage. It would be awful for you to spend months doubting and suspecting. It will eat at you and make you a nervous wreck.

When I am away at a conference I would call at 6pm and 10pm because a) it was a convenient lull before dinner and a good time to also speak to DS, and b) to make sure I spoke to Dp before HE went to bed, so as not to miss him before bed, or disturb him. It wouldn' be to make sure he wasn't on a train.
But actually neither of us are hung up on staying in constant contact and if away for only one night might not call at all.

No reputable hotel will give details of room occupancy.

I have no idea what may or may not be going on, BT, but alongside the stories of 'my instincts were right' I wonder how many more people have tales like the theatre booking that turned out to be completely innocent.

Hi everyone, still here and taking in all your posts. Head still banging and feel like there is something gnawing away inside.

Well we didn't have the 'talk' last night. He got back at 7ish and by the time we'd had dinner, etc., there was cricket on he wanted to watch. He also looked at me in a sort of wary way when he got in like he thought I was going to 'go off on one'. I almost felt sorry for him as he looked so tired and defeated. We chatted normally about his networking meeting/conference and that was fine. It's also so difficult to find time for a conversation when there are teens in the house.

Must admit though his briefcase was sat in the hall and I did think about checking it. But didn't. If he'd walked out and caught me going through his briefcase. Well, it just seems bad.

I still feel that this isn't right. I appreciate the posters who say I should just be able to say something but somehow when the trust has diminished it doesn't feel that easy. Oh to go back to that time when I could just say --- oi what's this?! If my memory can go back that long! Trust really is the most precious thing isn't it.

Blu - I agree about the timing of his calls - 6 and 10ish are the almost natural breaks when you are at these Conferences and he has always called then before. Like Zen says, booking two people would be for breakfast purposes but it was pre-paid so surely the invoice isn't going to make any difference even if I see it. I've already seen the confirmation invoice which is what started this wobble off. Again.

I honestly don't know.

What this has shown to me is our marriage is not in a good place and we do need to talk honestly. When - I don't know. Hopefully sooner rather than later. What puts me off as well is the 'oh here we go again' attitude I know he's going to take - the 'what's the matter NOW.' Defensive/guilty? Or just hacked off that I 'misread' his intent with the emails to a friend.

Partytime I really hope you're in a better place now.

Thank you all so much for the time you've taken to listen and post. You've really given me some food for thought.

Broken, the last time I was away on a course, I called dh at 6.00 and 10.00! And I most definitely was not cheating.

I'm interested in the fact that the e mail correspondence with the old friend was on an account shared by you and if not regularly used by you, fully accesible toyou and not passworded in any way.

Blu and Chip I know - am aware that I am sounding like a complete fruit loop.

The email account was set up by me. DH needed a new account and he didn't want to use his work one which is the one he always uses so asked me to set up one on the home computer which he never used to use before. He gave our friend the new email address so she could contact him. I used to check the new account for work reasons (obviously a bit confidential to go into here) which is when I saw the correspondence. Then felt . Not sure if he was aware I was checking it. I wasn't happy with the tone of them and when I queried it he was all "why are you reading my emails - well what's wrong with them. You know I care about her and her problems" ....Which was when we had a conversation about, well, boundaries for want of a better word. It was all a bit too cosy and intimate between them. Too much "longing to see you again, when can we meet for coffee", sort of stuff. It just made me think - ehh, what?!

Maybe it is me and I am now looking for problems that aren't there. Or magnifying problems that are there but nothing to do with the emails. I really don't know anymore.

Longing to see you again! WTF. That's not innocent, or if it is, I'm a turnip.

No wonder you have trust issues. And the attitude you are fearful of him giving you is totally not ON. Tell us more about these emails.