Feel so hopeless - what should I do

[Holdmyhand]

I am really looking for some advice. My h has been h is having an affair, I found out 5 months ago. We agreed to try again. I tried. He kept in contact with her behind my back. We got on ok while 'trying' & physical relationship mostly ok. I recently found out he's still seeing her - he now says he loves her & not me but cares about me. We have 3 dcs under 8. I really dont want my relationship to end. When we don't talk about our relationship we get on really well. He said on Saturday that he will be moving out at some point to be with her but will always be there for me & kids.
We still had sex Saturday & Sunday but he did not want full intercourse. We still sleep in same bed.
I know he has been with her today.
I have been getting bad anxiety attacks about the future and what will happen and how I cope. Am on Ads. We are very short of money. Him moving out will have huge financial implications.
If he leaves I have to cope alone with 3 dcs, my job, the house etc etc I still love him - we have been together 23 years. I feel hopeless. My life has stopped.
I am not eating or sleeping. I can't even cry. I am in a daze. I spend all my time thinking about him. I have no strength to cope with this. I don't have any real friends & can't talk to my family.
Please be kind with your advice I feel very fragile.
What can I do to get through this?

I did get an e mail back from WA - not much I can do unless he is threatening or being physically abusive.
He did definately see a solicitor.

Sureley you would have some sort of grounds in that he is being emotionally abusive to you ?

Hold , are you keeping a log of all the emotionally abusive things he says and does ? Obviously don't tell him about it. I fear that he could get nastier still, and the specific incidents may get incorporated into general despair, and you might need to report back to solicitor or court about particular things.

Surely you have unquestionable grounds for divorce on the basis of his adultery?

Stepsisters my arse. That was a comment intended to threaten you about taking your children away. Of course they are not Stepsisters, they are his mistress's children and nothing more to your family.

Well then wa were your last resort,either say he has been threatening,which i know you are too lovely to do(unlike me) or get you and your kids out of this vile situation,surely you would be better of in a bedsit with them having fun and being happy than in this ridiclulous situation,get a loan for the deposit or housing aid or shelter can help,my friend got hb and she still jointly owned a house,get your divorce going the cost comes out of your assests ie the eventual house sale so he will pay for it eventually too.You have wasted enough of your life in this pergatory get out now.

Inertia - yes I could divorce him for adultery, he would have to admit it or I have to prove it - or I could go for unreasonable behaiviour including adultery. But he is saying that he may file for divorce against me which could only be unreasonable behaivior unless he waits 2 years. Not sure what he would list as unreasonable!

I need to decide if I am better to actually divorce him or remain seperated for time being. Trying to think strategically - but not very good at that!

What an intolerable situation - what can you do to move out with the kids? Is the house up for sale, sorry if I missed that? How long does he see this situation going on for?

Its really's not sensible for him to be thinking of "step sisters", all counsellors would advise that children are introduced to partners after a period of time and their children are certainly not to be labelled 'step', sure fire way to make the children resent the situation.

My dss has this situation - his mother is a serial adulter and her lastest b/f has a couple of kids,DSS feels awful when they are all forced together. He has nothing in common with these children, he feels odd that they are in his house. It could work but parents can't force a relationship to happen, it has to be slowly.
Try this book - hopefully he will be unselfish enough to read it.

Putting Children First: A Handbook for Separated Parents [Paperback]

I really think you need to start divorce proceedings , you can no longer trust him in any way and you are still tied financially . Mine got credit to a ridiculous extent , loans for thousands and maxed out his credit cards . Not my problem i thought , only it is , and while im not responsible for his debt , the debts will be settled from the profit from the house first . Ive lost out .

I was warned about this sort of thing but never ever thought he would do it. How wrong was i. Dont let him divorce you op , you dont have to prove it as in forensic science sort of way , hes likeley to admit it anyway and to not do will cost him.

I think you really need to consult with a soliciter , serve him with a divorce petition for adultry and get some sort of order to get him out based on his emotional abuse.

This really is getting very painful to read. Please, please, please DO something..... Is there anything we can do on here to help you?

Can we come round and kick his butt ? ( Have name changed )

Kick away!

Would you salary be enough for you to rent a house and pay for you and the children? May be with childrens tax credits etc on top?

Get a divorce rolling, I think you may be out of the 6 months you can use adultery as a reason and will have to use unreasonable behaviour yourself now.

To be honest did you really expect more than the minimum he can get away from paying you based on the CSA levels? Don't expect it.

Get the house on the market and get rid of several of the massive mill stones around your neck.

As I set before stop talking to him and asking him to leave. He has said he will not go and you are just upsetting yourself asking all the time.

Hold, you say you are weighing up the pros and cons of each side. Will you share? Perhaps someone here can help you decipher them. Are any of your reasons possibly your sub conscience trying to protect you? That sort of thing.

ok - I could stay in the house - kids get to stay in village. He either stays or goes. While we have joint account I use that to my advantage - get new clothes, shoes for kids and stash any spare cash while I can. Practical but can I continue to live in house with him?........will I harden to his behaiviour etc so it bothers me less? Can I protect kids from unpleasantness by just avoiding contact with him as much as possible?

I move out with kids - probably not able to stay in village so disruptive for kids. If he stays in house that may give him more grounds for going for residence of kids or 50/50 which he is threatening to do. Would probably result in mortgage going into arrears, getting bad credit rating etc.

We have debts as well as mortgage - debts in his name - if we divorce and sell house debts would be taken from house proceeds. If we dont divorce he has to pay debts.....

If I dont divorce him - he could file for divorce against me - not sure what difference this makes?

I think he is really concerned about finances - he will not want a big legal bill.

He cannot be enjoying living here - how long can he tolerate it?

Maybe he actually does not call all the shots........maybe he was only calling the shots because I let him get to me..........perhaps he is now having to face up to a bit of reality without the safety net of thinking he has me and family in the background if all goes wrong with OW.
He has been less 'cool' tonight - more argumentative - but I have not got upset. Is he being more argumentative because he thinks he is loosing control of some of the situation?....

hold,you are sounding more asertive love,this is great,only you can decide what is best as only you know the whole circumstances.
I wonder about the c.a.b?would they help with advice maybe?
Have you friends who are supportive at the moment?

Hold i would EXPECT him to have them 50 / 50 , why should you have to do all the shitwork and be stuck in while he does what he wants ? Im not sure what Ow would think about having to put up with them half the time , im quite sure it would be very differant to the loveley step sisters bollocks he is describing .

I really think you need a plan , its baby steps at this stage , dont worry for now about the debts or mortgage , when i started divorce proceedings i was a sahm with no income and a mortgage that was nearly £1000 a month . Now im a student with no income with a mortage of £1000 a month ! The bank has not had a full payment from me in over 2 years . Theres ways round everything . Many banks will offer a concession for a time , theres lots of help at the moment , ill find a link.

I would really urge you to see a soliciter and take steps to get him out of your home and start divorce proceedings. You are literally living with the enemy at the moment . He is obliged to house his children , you can apply for an order where he has to contribute towards the mortgage , you will not be homeless within months or anything like that .

Think about it , he knows full well what he would be obliged to pay should he move out. He also knows he,ll be expected to have the kids a large amount of the time , where as now hes doing what he wants , going out when he wants and is quite possibly getting more credit or stashing money .Why would he want to leave ? Hes not going to unless you make him , i would make an apointment today with a family lawyer and say he is emotionally abusing you and you dont want him there .

If he is concerned about a legal bill this is something you can use to your advantage . You could do any of the following.

State that unless he leaves you will instruct a soliciter to apply for a court order to remove him , it will be expensive and messy and you will claim costs against him. You will also name Ow .

You could also state that you have had enough , you dont want to be responsible for all this debt , mortgage ect , you are going to move out yourself and rent somewhere and apply for bankrupcy, freeing yourself of all this worry . By the way , you wont be moving locally .
In fact i would have Ua ring and id discuss this in hushed tones .

By not having a soliciter at this stage you are at a massive disadvantage , i think he would back off it he were to start receiving letters .

I have seen a couple of sols and seeing another one tomorrow - only for free consultations - but I need to find one I feel confident in.

I would really struggle to get an order against him to make him move out - I have sought lots of advice about this. He has spoken to his sol so knows this.

I have told him that if he continues to live here and make things difficult I will have to move out with kids and I would not be able to pay rent & mortgage.

In terms of kids, I really think they need to have one stable home which is their base - then they can visit him - I think being split between 2 homes would be bad for them. They also have friends, activities etc locally. I think he is using this as a threat - realistically I don't think he would manage it with his job, having to pick them up & drop off at school etc etc. I also think he may be using to reduce maintenance he would have to pay.

UA has been so kind - she is such a star. X

HMH..you really need a solicitor like mine..she has already applied to have H removed from my tenancy and said if H had still been in the house she would apply to the court to get him removed on the grounds of mental cruelty..I rent my house though so that may be the difference.

If Im honest I think your H is hoping YOU will go

HMH, stay put. Just stay put. Be as brave as you can muster. No conversation with him apart from basic arrangements. Don't leave the house.

The house, the village, school, local friends - your dcs need these things. After such amount of time, threats and angst you can do this.

Just stay there. He will go eventually. It's your home. He has forfeited it. He has another 'home' to go to. It is your house and your children's home. Base. Stay. Stay. Stay.

Sweat it out. Be bold, be bloody and be strong.

My offer still stands.

And please issue divorce petition asap on grounds of complete twuntery (Unreasonable behaviour).

You must do this.

Lovely sunny evening here. Just had the hose out. No bath for ds tonight

xx

Thanks UA. Will txt or PM you soon. I so appreciate your kindness and support.xx

Seeing another sol tomorrow. Really want to find one I feel is right.

Feel better when H not around - which is improvment as used to think I felt better when he was here.
I feel now that I should not rush into anything but take my time and consider approach.........

Hi Hold. I've lurked on this thread since the start but didn't contribute because couldn't add much to all the support from the sisters. I just think UA's advice about filing for divorce for unreasonable behaviour asap is sound. Mainly because your H is building up debts and they're likely to get bigger if you or he move out even if you're separated - if you've got a joint account/mortgage you're seen as contributing to the debt because you're benefiting from his wages. Rather like Dignified, my XH landed me with £50k of income tax bills 5 days before Christmas - which my lawyer said I was responsible for half of even though he'd built it up in the 2 years separation before our still to be finalised no-fault divorce. If things change you can always stop the divorce but just half the stuff you've posted is grounds for unreasonable behaviour. He can do the same - just needs to think of two or three things you've done that were unreasonable in the last 3 or 4 years, it doesn't matter if he's been 100x more unreasonable and an adulterer to boot (not sure if adultery is an actual divorce grounds any more anyway - isn't it just counted as uncontrovertial unacceptable behaviour?). I too was advised to spend spend spend (in sensible ways like newer car less than 10 years old etc) but am really glad I didn't because lawyers' fees are horrendous and from what I understand you haven't got a lot of capital in the house. I am so admiring of how you are dealing with things....

He is waiting until she lets him move in with her, and will drag his heels as much as possible until then.

I dont think he would debts up further - but then he has done other things I never thought he'd do!! Will ask solicitors advice on that.

Still wondering whether to contact her H / ex H. Might fill in some blanks - but might end up opening a can of worms!