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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel so hopeless - what should I do

781 replies

Holdmyhand · 21/03/2011 17:01

I am really looking for some advice. My h has been h is having an affair, I found out 5 months ago. We agreed to try again. I tried. He kept in contact with her behind my back. We got on ok while 'trying' & physical relationship mostly ok. I recently found out he's still seeing her - he now says he loves her & not me but cares about me. We have 3 dcs under 8. I really dont want my relationship to end. When we don't talk about our relationship we get on really well. He said on Saturday that he will be moving out at some point to be with her but will always be there for me & kids.
We still had sex Saturday & Sunday but he did not want full intercourse. We still sleep in same bed.
I know he has been with her today.
I have been getting bad anxiety attacks about the future and what will happen and how I cope. Am on Ads. We are very short of money. Him moving out will have huge financial implications.
If he leaves I have to cope alone with 3 dcs, my job, the house etc etc I still love him - we have been together 23 years. I feel hopeless. My life has stopped.
I am not eating or sleeping. I can't even cry. I am in a daze. I spend all my time thinking about him. I have no strength to cope with this. I don't have any real friends & can't talk to my family.
Please be kind with your advice I feel very fragile.
What can I do to get through this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Holdmyhand · 01/04/2011 21:35

: (

OP posts:
cheekyprincess · 01/04/2011 22:20

Hmh - I'm around tonight if you want company on here. Doubt I can offer any sound advice, but can hold a conversation. Ds has a high temp so I doubt I'll get much sleep tonight!

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 01/04/2011 22:34

Thanks Cheeky - hope your ds ok. Horrible when they are I'll.

Not had good day today. Fed up of feeling crap all the time.

OP posts:
cheekyprincess · 01/04/2011 22:53

Want to talk about your day or something completely random?

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 01/04/2011 23:24

Dunno - not much happened today but just felt really low. Just dont seem to get anywhere or do anything - just drifting by - not even getting cleaning, ironing etc done.

How is your DS - has his temp come down?

OP posts:
positivesteps · 01/04/2011 23:28

Hi. Holdmyhand,

What are you upto ?

Have you decided what to do about your husband yet ?

Xales · 01/04/2011 23:39

Hi hold

It has only been 10 days since you posted.

You have done amazing stuff since then!

I know you are still hurting, upset and in shock but your posts are so much stronger than the 'why' even if you don't feel it.

You have already started to be proactive and talked to solicitors, looked at your options re mortgage, getting H out, you moving out. Even councelling!! There may not be an answer yet but that is a massive step. Some people never get there and just carry on in a fugue until H walks out and then they have no idea where they stand.

It WILL get better. It may not seem it right now but it will.

giagindi · 01/04/2011 23:39

Is he out now? Are the children asleep?

Call WA. Call them now, it's their quieter time. Keep calling until someone answers - they will answer.

It sounds like you are being awesome for your kids - telling them something age appropriate but a truth. Did you talk to the school to alert them to watch for any acting out? I wonder how long your H is going to bury his head in the sand about it affecting them - I bet he'll come out eventually with Solost's H's line - the kids will be happy he's happy. Bollocks.

The twisting everything you say IS emotional abuse. He's trying to make you doubt yourself; while you're confused and weak he can continue to have everything his way, on his terms. Once you have solid RL support (if not from friends / family then definitely from WA) you will be stronger and can start to regain some control for you and your DCs.

sufficient · 01/04/2011 23:44

Hope you're ok hmh, thinking of you xx

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 02/04/2011 00:01

Thanks everyone - I so appreciate the support I have had on here - it has really helped get me thru - cant believe it is 10 days....

H is out with OW tonight - hurts - but better than him being here. Sure he is telling her how unreasonable I am trying to make him move out and she is probably heaping on the sympathy.....

OP posts:
Original poster
Holdmyhand · 02/04/2011 00:02

Have e mailed WA so waiting to hear back

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cheekyprincess · 02/04/2011 00:16

Hold - he woke up a little while ago with nightmares. Non-verbal and I know that. I deserve a flipping medal! Currently sat on my lap while I watch my secret shame... ace of cakes.

At least you have a valid excuse not to do housework. I've just been lazy this past week.

Love that quiet sound in the house. Dogs peacefully dreaming, child hoohooing on my lap ay adverts while calpol kicks in and tv on. Plus, Mn on phone....

Do yourself a favour, go listen/watch your kids sleep. You are such a good mum, that sound should be comforting?

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 02/04/2011 00:23

Thanks Cheeky - they always look younger when they are asleep.
I am not a good mum at the moment but hopefully will be again soon.
Hope your LO can settle and you have a good night.

OP posts:
cheekyprincess · 02/04/2011 00:26

You are. You may not be meeting your usual standards, but you care that you aren't. That in itself means you are an amazing mum. What are you doing tonight? Other than sitting on here?

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 02/04/2011 00:28

H just got home - can here him downstairs - I can feel my stress levels rise when he comes in.

OP posts:
Original poster
Holdmyhand · 02/04/2011 00:29

I'm in bed mn on my phone.

OP posts:
cheekyprincess · 02/04/2011 00:37

Do you have any scented candles? A cd that you like to listen to? Have you considered painting your nails? Do one small thing for you. It won't take the pain away but may make you feel better for a bit.

Scratch that, just noticed the time. Maybe a facial rather than nails. What's the worst that can happen if you do?

HerHissyness · 02/04/2011 08:56

HMH, you are low because not only did your H betray you, but he is now doing it under your nose.

If he insists on staying in your home, then sorry, but he can't go off and screw the OW and come back to the family home.

Right now he has it all, a bed to stay in, a family and a mistress. He literally can not have his cake and eat it. He will never, ever leave under this arrangement, why would he?

This is mental cruelty. It is abuse. You can and MUST protect yourself from him and his affair.

If you tell him that he can't see her while he lives in your home. If he wants to see her, that is fine, she is welcome to him, but he has to go.

That is then the ultimatum.

The next time he then pisses off to her, you sling his stuff out and bolt the door. You call him on the phone and tell him not to bother coming back, precisely because you gave him a choice and he took it. Consequences.

He has a right to a proportion of the houses value, but he doesn't have a right to inflict his cheating presence on you.

Something has to give. When he has gone, you won't have that sick feeling when you hear him come in.

plopplopquack · 02/04/2011 09:24

I've tried to catch up with this but there is so much! Why is he refusing to move out?! I don't get it. I thought he wanted to leave anyway.

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 02/04/2011 10:38

I have told him to either go or stop seeing her while he is here. He refuses. Says we are where we are and have to get on with it. I am tempted to sling his stuff out but don't want a scene infront of kids. He would just come back to house when we are not in & break in. He may then do something to get back at me like empty bank account.
Ppq - not really sure why he won't go - wouldn't see kids as much / thinks he will loose rights to property / we will struggle to afford mortgage & rent / he doesn't see why he should move?????

OP posts:
ledkr · 02/04/2011 11:27

fucking hell love,this is getting very abusive "you have just got to get on with it!" omg,easy to say when you are the one who has the ow and no broken heart.He is a really vile individual and so is she. At least most men have the decency to leave.I jsut dont know what to say anymore,i am very differnrt to yoyou and would have def thrown him out by now,if he breaks in or bangs on the door police can arrest for breach of peace but i know thats not for you hmh,i just hope wa can help you.
in yrs to come when you are dating again he will have a taste of his own medicine.
if its any consolation ex h has sod all now,no job,car or money and lives with his young ow their baby in her mothers house,hes 42,karma i believe.

ledkr · 02/04/2011 11:28

maybe you should act a bit like youare dating.

cheekyprincess · 02/04/2011 11:29

Hold, I can completely understand you not wanting to make a scene in front of the dcs. But something needs to change. This... monster you once called your Dh does not deserve you. He is making your life impossible and your kids will be being affected by your mood. Nb, that is NOT your fault.

I assume they have school friends? Can you get them all out on a playdate on Monday or tuesday night? Then sling him out. Take half the money out of joint account and remove your name from account.

These may seem drastic, but his behaviour is demanding this of you. Assuming you can face it.

Not sure if it is helpful, but when dp was cheated on (back in the days of dinosaurs) he threw her out and changed the locks. He met no legal resistance, despite both names on tenancy.

Xales · 02/04/2011 11:43

Hi Hold think of it this way.

He was less than a fortnight ago in your bed, snuggling up, after hugs and cuddles and doing everything bar penetration. Gee OW must be love of his life for him to cheat on her like that I feel it is cheating despite the lack of actual sex.

He is back home by half past mid-night. Throw in getting dressed, travel home etc how long ago did he leave.

What a lovely prize she has got!! A man who comes around for a few hours, probably sits there on her couch farting and burping while she cooks. Eats the food, probably doesn't do the dishes. Takes her upstairs, shags her and then gets dressed while his dick is still wet and goes back home, leaving her to sleep in the wet patch.

And he wants to be able to do that indefinitely.........

What a lucky OW Grin

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 02/04/2011 12:05

Grin Zales

He has gone off to work now. Has told kids he will take them out later.

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