Feel so hopeless - what should I do

[Holdmyhand]

I am really looking for some advice. My h has been h is having an affair, I found out 5 months ago. We agreed to try again. I tried. He kept in contact with her behind my back. We got on ok while 'trying' & physical relationship mostly ok. I recently found out he's still seeing her - he now says he loves her & not me but cares about me. We have 3 dcs under 8. I really dont want my relationship to end. When we don't talk about our relationship we get on really well. He said on Saturday that he will be moving out at some point to be with her but will always be there for me & kids.
We still had sex Saturday & Sunday but he did not want full intercourse. We still sleep in same bed.
I know he has been with her today.
I have been getting bad anxiety attacks about the future and what will happen and how I cope. Am on Ads. We are very short of money. Him moving out will have huge financial implications.
If he leaves I have to cope alone with 3 dcs, my job, the house etc etc I still love him - we have been together 23 years. I feel hopeless. My life has stopped.
I am not eating or sleeping. I can't even cry. I am in a daze. I spend all my time thinking about him. I have no strength to cope with this. I don't have any real friends & can't talk to my family.
Please be kind with your advice I feel very fragile.
What can I do to get through this?

Kids seem to worship h - follow him round everywhere : (

Hey Hold

Get your divorce started. It can be stopped before it goes too far if circumstances change. As you do so request in writing again that he moves out but do not discuss it with him (this will only end up with you upset again). If he won't budge (of course he is not going to) get yourself and your kiddies out and renting asap. Put it in formal writing that you are not giving up your rights in any way shape or form on the assets or the house.

Put everything you can in writing, it doesn't have to be through a solicitor if you cannot afford, just make it straight forward, impersonal and keep a copy. Start a diary of everything he says and does, when he puts you down in front of the children, goes off out leaving you with them etc.

Speak to an estate agent and if possible get the house on the market, it's not going to sell at all unless it is advertised.

Stop asking/expecting anything from H.

If he asks you anything say you will 'consider' it. Do not agree to anything.

If he starts insulting you again say that is your opinion and walk away. I know it hurts like crazy that someone you love and thought loved you can hurt you this way. You cannot change that hurt but you can walk away dignified leaving him looking stupid and petty with his insults.

Completely disengage from him all conversations are hurting you at present.

Seriously remove the childrens passports to a safe place along with any other documents you think necessary.

To be honest the longer he remains a wanker the more I would consider letting him keep ALL the debt that is in his name......

Oh and take over the front room and camp in there.......

Don't worry about your children worshipping their dad.

He comes in plays happy disney daddy. You are the one cleans, feeds, does homework, sets boundaries.

It is not fair.

You know they worship you too. They are just aware that you are there for them all the time. They have to follow their dad around to get his attention.

Have removed passports etc to my parents.

If I divorce him I will prob have to pay half debts - if I don't divorce him he cannot make me pay anything as all in his name.

Same with house - if we sell he will want to clear debts from house proceeds.

I know on one hand I have some responsibility for debts some were taken out without my knowledge & also I am going to have a lot less money available than him (especially when he moves in with her)

In some ways I am tempted to let things lie a while with divorce & house sale - just wish he would leave house!!

Have you already tried appealing to his better nature. Along the lines of 'I understand that you don't love me any more but I am finding it hard to move on with you living here. It is torture seeing you every day an knowing that it is over. Please would you go so that I can get my heartbreak over.'

Not sure if he understands the reason why you need him gone. He may just see it as punishment or money-grabbing.

I have tried telling him that I find it impossible him living here and have said how hard it is for kids - he won't accept either.

Ok. Thought it might be worth putting it in a different way but it seems there is no reasoning with him. Could someone else have a word with him? Does he have family you can appeal to?

(just trying some other angles - sorry if they are silly ideas)

Unfortunately you have to make a choice and not a very nice one .

He has made it clear he doesn't care enough to move out so you either have to accept that and put up with it or you have to bite the bullet and get things moving.

Not a pleasant choice I hope whatever you decide you get some peace.

Thanks - really appreciate the advice. Wish there was some easy way out of this.
Have hardly spoken to h at all tonight & he has now gone to bed.
Am hoping that when he sees his sol it will all feel more real to him and he will realise that he has to do something.

Not sure any of my advice is useful, tell me to shut up if I am pushing or saying things you don't want to hear.

This is something you will sort in your own time when you are good and ready, just really horrible to see you being treated like this.

oh HMH, none of this is going to be easy.

Often, with men like your H, it's important they are not the bad guy. Him saying stuff like you neglected him, OW is perfect etc might tie in with that.

Try acting. Act a devastated on the floor deserted wife for a bit. Cry, say it is so hard for you to be near him, say your heart is breaking, say it can't be good for the children, say you need to talk to your parents/his parents/etc. Say he has to leave, it's destroying you. What did you do to deserve this! How can he have left the children! If he loves her he should be with her, be a martyr.

TELL PEOPLE. Tell your best friends. Tell HIS.

Once people know what he's doing, chances are he'll try to act better (because it will just be an act), and show he's a Good Guy and will fuck off.

Wish I could sleep!

He has seen me upset & crying, doesn't make any difference he has lost all empathy.

Oh, HMH. Am in Australia so awake, didn't want you to feel alone on here. Your H has SO checked out of your relationship already; it's hard to believe how callous he is being.

What has he said to your DCs? What have YOU said? How do you think they are taking it?

I wonder, can you send an email to WA, and as you said you don't want them to call you, ask them if they can refer back to the email when you get through to them?

Your H is being emotionally abusive and is gaslighting you.

Hope something positive happens today and your weekend has a bit less stress.

Good point from previous posters about telling people/family. Not sure if you have already done that? Would be good for you to get rl support, and it would be good for him to know that other people are aware of what he has done. If people were at your house supporting you, it may well make him move out earlier???

Thanks gg. He plays everything down to kids - he has told them tonight he is going out with friends when he is seeing her. He has promised to take them out tomorrow afternoon - even though he is working so we are expected to just wait in for him to come home from work. We were planning to go out to fundraising event so I will prob still take them.

I have told them that mummy & daddy cannot carry on living together and so either daddy will be moving or we will be. Have reinforced that they will still see daddy. I want to be straight with them but wish I had something concrete to tell them.

I know this situation can't continue much longer. I just feel so unhappy. I want to start getting on with my life and protecting my kids from all of this.

omg, i cant believe he can be so heartless to you,its shocking,one day this will fuel you onwards asyour greatest revenge will come when he realises you are ok without him.
I can imagine what a comfortable place he is in at the moment,seeing his ow,returning to the familiar family home to see the children all whilst guilt free as he has convinced himself its all quite normal and its you in the wrong.

Do you think moving out is going to be your best option?A nice fresh start and leave him to worry about the mortgage etc,it sounds as if he debts will eat any profit anyway and also the tiny amount you may be awarded will probably stop you getting benefits and be taken towards the divorce.I owned my house and got some legal aid but i still ended up paying about 2000 which i just put onto the mortgage when i borrowed enough to pay out the twat.
How about giving womens aid a try again today?You may put the phone down with some answers and hope.

Trying wa now.....

Could not get through - will try later.

HMH I am not sure i understand why you haven't enlisted help of friends or family. i know you say your parents like H and so won't discuss it, but you make no mention of any friends helping you out or 'holding your hand' through this time.

Similarly, does your H have any close mates? i would not hesitate to call them and ask one of them, at least, to speak with him and tell he has to leave.

I mean, who in RL actually knows what is going on? You must have some friends - even if they are only on the end of a phone and not close?

When my exh did a runner i could not have survived without my friends' support: several came and stayed with me to help with ds and just let me cry. They were all constantly on the phone giving me help and advice and professionals were there too - my HV was fantastic, my GP supported me, I went next door to my neighbour and just asked outright for help.

I could not survive what you are going through without some succour and practical advice from RL people. Where are they??

have you simply not told people? Do H's friends not even know what is going on? When my exh's best friend found out what he had done, he (and his wife) were incredibly supportive.

I know you live in a village, but you must have some RL close friends who are advising and helping you?

I have talked to my parents & my mum rings me most days but they have other concerns too.

I have told quite a few people in the village now and people are sympathetic.

I don't know many of h friends as they are people he knows thru work or football so I have not really met them & wouldn't know their numbers.

I am really trying to keep strong but I just find it so hard. I don't want to be constantly miserable. All I seem to be able to think about is h and this whole situation. I keep just going through shall I move out? Shall I this? Shall I that? But never get anywhere.
I don't want to make the wrong decision for the kids.
H twists what I say & what I do until I feel it is me being unreasonable.
I have no energy to think.
I want to just get away from it all for a bit to clear my head but I don't have anywhere to go and very little money.
While I sit at home crying he is off enjoying himself with her.

You'll feel stronger by telling him nothing. He can't twist no words!! He'll also feel less in control of you.

You sound from your posts like a steady/non-risk taker type. The disadvantage of this characteristic is that you're constantly weighing up your options and not moving ahead fast. The upside is that you can quietly plot your departure and make small steps e.g. removal of documents, visits to solicitor etc.

I noticed that 2 mnetters say they're local to you and are happy to help/chat. Why not take them up on the offer? Share the burden.

But you have three dcs under 8? And you don't know any of his friends? You have no numbers for even one of his good friends? Or even one of his best aquaintances? Do any of H's friends know the ow? Is the OW in any circle at all?Is she a complete unknown? Do you know anything about her apart from she is older and has teenage dc? You say people in the village are sympathetic which is good. But do you really truly not have one single close friend? I mean life friend? Any may-not-live-in the-village-friend?

I am struggling to get to grips with why you are quite so isolated, still 6 months on - in your OP you said you found out 5 months ago.

That means it is 6 nearly 7 months on now.

I just rang the main WA number (below). It rang for a bit then eventually asked me to leave a number to call back and a safe time to call.

Have you left a message op? I expect so and I hope you have.

The message said the best times to ring is when it's quietest - between 7pm and 7am

WA 0808 2000 247

I don't know his friends - he would have their numbers in his mobile.
She is a work colleague but I don't know anyone who knows her - just know what h has said. His usual workplace is an hours drive away so I have never gone out with any of his colleagues. I know one of his friends vaguely but don't have his number. I know our joint friends from the village but he has distanced himself from all of them lately. I have met a couple of his aquaitances but have not got their numbers.
I do have some friends but they all have busy lives. I have told quite a few people.
Since I first found out about affair I believed until recently that we were working on our marriage - i have been trying to spend spare time with h.
It may seem strange but that's how it is. The type of job I do means i don't have contact with work colleagues.