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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel so hopeless - what should I do

781 replies

Holdmyhand · 21/03/2011 17:01

I am really looking for some advice. My h has been h is having an affair, I found out 5 months ago. We agreed to try again. I tried. He kept in contact with her behind my back. We got on ok while 'trying' & physical relationship mostly ok. I recently found out he's still seeing her - he now says he loves her & not me but cares about me. We have 3 dcs under 8. I really dont want my relationship to end. When we don't talk about our relationship we get on really well. He said on Saturday that he will be moving out at some point to be with her but will always be there for me & kids.
We still had sex Saturday & Sunday but he did not want full intercourse. We still sleep in same bed.
I know he has been with her today.
I have been getting bad anxiety attacks about the future and what will happen and how I cope. Am on Ads. We are very short of money. Him moving out will have huge financial implications.
If he leaves I have to cope alone with 3 dcs, my job, the house etc etc I still love him - we have been together 23 years. I feel hopeless. My life has stopped.
I am not eating or sleeping. I can't even cry. I am in a daze. I spend all my time thinking about him. I have no strength to cope with this. I don't have any real friends & can't talk to my family.
Please be kind with your advice I feel very fragile.
What can I do to get through this?

OP posts:
Xales · 02/04/2011 12:10

Why are you sitting indoors? It is a nice if slightly overcast day. Get off out down the park with them. Take some bread and feed the ducks.

Have a lovely time, take a ball play football and wear them out. Pass him with your coat when he comes back in and leave him with tired tetchy children while you go and have a nice coffee and read a magazine.

Notice the sneaky motive of having a nice time there?

Come on. Stop sitting moping on the pc and get out there. Go --> Shoo ->

ScaredOfCows · 02/04/2011 12:29

So, if this situation has to continue for the time being, what about getting some plan on paper for a child care rota in the evenings? Perhaps he goes out Friday night, you go out Saturday night, and you split the weekday nights - your choice as to whether you come home or not, that's none of his business. It would give you some time to relax away from the house with some friends (and maybe make him wonder what you are up to Grin), you could maybe do an evening course or just go for a walk or to the cinema. It is just so unfair that he gets nights out on his terms with no worries about who's childminding, simply because he takes it all for granted.

Xales · 02/04/2011 12:40

Totally agree with Scared. You need a rota in place. The children need to know and have some stability.

They are taking in much more than you may think you asking him to leave, him telling you to leave, and leave the kids, hearing you crying him telling about his wonderful exciting new friend. Selfish wanker.

They are probably stressed and worried so a nice timetable agreed by all for now will help them too.

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 02/04/2011 12:56

Am taking kids out this afternoon - will do best to tire them out!!

If I can get through this weekend then I am hoping to talk to h on monday night. Will try and get list together of what i want to discuss

I have changed bank accout for CB to be paid into from joint account to my account - dont think h will notice this straight away.
tried to change tax credits but their system down til weds!
have been stashing a bit of cash too.

OP posts:
Xales · 02/04/2011 13:07

Have fun, it doesn't matter if you can't play football. The kiddies will remember mummy falling over the ball, landing on her bum and making a fool of herself a lot longer than they would remember daddy just being good at football again (-:

easycomeeasygo · 02/04/2011 14:06

Xales???!! I'm totally with you on everything you've said, I think I said something similar earlier on on this thread about the way he's treating her too, wonder if she knew he was still 'sleeping' with HMH while he was screwing her??? I doubt not..I would have recorded him and sent it to her..but thats me, Hell has no fury like a woman scorned You said you dont want to appear unreasonable and cause a scene infront of the children? it will get worse if you keep him there, I did this and my eldest 2 saw their dad physically abuse me and was huddled up on the sofa together screaming...i'm not saying it will go this far with you and H but, i was like you...I would take alot but to the point I cracked and it got very nasty...best to get him out asap. Hope your out with those little ones. xxx

ledkr · 02/04/2011 15:10

What zales said is so true,maybe you should suggest to him that you will tell ow about him still sleeping with you and also it was you who insisted he go to the spare room,the more i think about it she must be a bit of a sap to put up with it all when i met my dh i used to freak out if he went to meet ex girlfriend to sort out house and cats,why would she accept this situation?Also when you are madly in love you want to be together all the time not just a few times a week.

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 02/04/2011 20:22

I think her kids are reason he doesn't see her more in evenings - I think he sees her when he should be at work. Maybe her kids don't know anything about affair???
Did think of texting her but he would just deny it and say it was me just trying to cause trouble.

OP posts:
Xales · 02/04/2011 20:34

Keep your dignity. At least you can look in the mirror and see a decent honest person.

Hope you had a nice afternoon.

ledkr · 02/04/2011 20:43

maybe tell him you will put her kids straight about a thing or 2 then,unless he moves out!time to get mean maybe? You are a better person than me tho,its a good job hes not married to me tho Grin

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 03/04/2011 09:50

Mothers day. Made breakfast for me & kids but doesn't feel the same. Ds2 is being quite difficult - pushing things all the time, don't want to tell him off. He is usually a really sweet, caring boy but he is showing a lot less of that side. Hope he settles down when h finally leaves.

How can h put kids & me through this.

OP posts:
ledkr · 03/04/2011 10:11

what are your plans? Im on my own today been awake with baby since 3am Shock mothers day is a load of bollox anyway.Im going to cook lunch then make popcorn and watch a dvd with dc's.DD1 was expecting a friend but she cant come so im putting off telling her haha.
You heard from wa?Sto[ questioning why hes doing it,he is because he can,but ONLY AT THE MOMENT hell soon learn it aint all about him.

Pandamoanium · 03/04/2011 11:25

HMH - have been reading this since the beginning and just want to extend my sympathy to you. Kids can go through awkward phases at any time - just remember that it isn't necessarily due to what is going on between you and your H! I would get your kids out of the house today and let them do something energetic to let off steam. Particularly with boys, this tends to help their mood - well it always did with mine!

Sending you best wishes for today and every day.

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 03/04/2011 11:32

Thanks - going to my mums in a minute. Just hate being in this situation so much.

OP posts:
plopplopquack · 03/04/2011 19:36

Ppq - not really sure why he won't go - wouldn't see kids as much / thinks he will loose rights to property / we will struggle to afford mortgage & rent / he doesn't see why he should move?????

He doesn't see why he should move . . . er because he's fucking another woman?! I'd be so tempted to send her a message saying that you have still been having sex during their affair. Maybe "I sucked your boyfriend (my husbands) cock last night, he loved it!" . . . bit much?

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 03/04/2011 23:23

I have thought of doing that but dont think she would believe me - I am sure he has painted me as the crazy, bitter wife.

Tried to talk to him tonight and explain why I do not want to be under the same roof as him - bad enough being betrayed but now to know he is with her then coming home here. He justifies all of his actions - "we all need a bit of stability, its better for the kids if he leaves in a staged way, we are now seperated so it is ok for him to see her" etc etc
He is not happy that I have told people about his affair - thinks I am trying to isolate him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Holdmyhand · 03/04/2011 23:25

Straight after our conversation he goes through into other room and I can hear him on the phone to her.

OP posts:
ledkr · 04/04/2011 08:26

i wonder if he believes his own bull shit? Interesting he doesn't want you to tell people isnt it? Thats your cue to tell everyone id say.What did your mum say? How do you feel about him now? I am hoping that his behaviour will begin to help you to get over him so when you do eventually split it will be easier.He really has shown himself to be one of the most unpleasant and selfish people i have ever come across.

Inertia · 04/04/2011 10:47

Hold-you carry on telling who the hell you like about the affair. I'd also be tempted to tell everyone that you have asked him to move out as he refuses to stop seeing the other woman, and he's refusing to go, and you're frightened . Don't be ashamed to tell people the truth, it's not your shame to carry, it's his.

He won't respect your wishes or requests no matter what you do, he has proved this already. However, he sounds as though he cares what other people think of him. While it's just you telling him he's being utterly unreasonable he will trample all over you, but if he knows that all his friends and family know what he's doing then he might feel under more pressure to co-operate.

What's the situation with Women's Aid? Keep trying, they will know how to make things work for you.

And what's the situation with keys now? Are you having to wait in to let him in to the house?

As he won't leave, can you get people round to visit and support you in the evenings? Have, say, your mum round for dinner and to help put your children to bed, and to stay and chat in the front room. Or friends, or siblings. Take charge in your house, you can't make him leave at the moment but you can make him feel bloody uncomfortable and sidelined.

plopplopquack · 04/04/2011 11:50

What a selfish man! I feel so bad for you. It must be so painful having him treat you this way, when I imagine it I can almost feel your pain, like a nightmare you can't wake up from.

I agree with Inertia about telling who you like about the affair. Tell them everything, that he goes out and fucks her and comes back to your house and expects you to put up with that. He no longer deserves your loyalty. I would also start trying to build your own life. Get dressed up, go out (don't tell him where you are going, let him wonder), meet new people, go on a date (even a pretend one!), go speed dating, join clubs.

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 04/04/2011 13:09

I have e mailed womens aid outlining situation, just waiting for them to get back to me.

I dont understand how he can make me feel so bad.

OP posts:
Inertia · 04/04/2011 14:02

He can make you feel so bad because you loved and trusted him, and he has totally destroyed your family, your trust and your hope, and he is not letting you move on from this. It's in his interests to keep you miserable, humiliated and powerless, so that he can carry on doing what he likes. This is why it's so important for you to try to get some RL support and the advice from WA.

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 05/04/2011 08:02

Had 'chat' tonight with h. He is very reluctant to move out - he says for financial reasons but could offer very little on terms of what he would be prepared to do in order to be more respectful if he stays.
He says if he moves he can only offer min CSa level maintenance.
Has said he is considering applying for joint residence with dcs - 50 /50 - not sure he would get this????
He wants to introduce kids to her & her kids who he refers to as their step sisters (are they step sisters if he is not married to ow??)
He said his sol said he had grounds to divorce me? Unreasonable behaviour I guess although not sure what?

OP posts:
ledkr · 05/04/2011 08:48

What nonsense,im willing to bet my life he hasnt seen a solicitor.
Tell him to go ahead and divorce you then.He would only get joint custody if he can provide them with a proper home ie stable with bedrooms etc.
If he canfuck up the kids heads introduce the children to each other as "step sisters" then why cant he move in with them?
He will not decide how much maintainence he pays,the court will.
Now he is acting like a 12yr old fgs.

Would you like me to try wa today and ask some general advice?

He needs to be got out of the house now,hes being ridiculous.

I know you dont think you will cope but i had NO maintinence a big mortgage and 4 kids and i was 90 pounds a week down on paper,i am still here sane and happy,sometimes in life you have to take a risk,im sure you would manage somehow.

dignified · 05/04/2011 09:07

Snort at the stupid step sisters remark. I hope you laughed out loud at him , what a stupid thing to say . Hopefully hes said something equally stupid to Ow .

Have you seen a soliciter yet in regards to getting him out under these circumstances , ie emotional abuse ?