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Original poster

Tips for dealing with toxic SIL

166 replies

BornAgainDomesticGoddess · 21/03/2011 15:21

My SIL hates me and has done since me and DH first started dating yonks ago. This started before she had even met me or knew anything about me. DH and I are now married with 2 DC and are very happy. However, she continuously does hurtful, spiteful things to me and is constantly trying to persuade DH to leave me even though he is (in his words) "extremely happy and with his soul mate".

She does odd things. For instance, when she is around me, she pulls 'disgusted' faces all the time. She ignores me completely and if DH leaves the room, she will follow him. If she comes to dinner and I have cooked, she will push the food around her plate with the same disgusted look and not eat any of it. However, if DH has cooked it, she will eat it no problem. She has sent Christmas Cards to DH and the DC, but left my name off. Years ago, when we told her we were trying for DC1, she said, "don't have a baby with her - it will end up being another spaz" (my daughter from a previous relationship has some special needs).

She is constantly stirring up trouble between me and DH and me and the PIL. Unfortunately, she is the favourite child, so they justify everything she says and does with, "oh, I'm sure she didn't mean it" or "that's just how she is" or "you are being over-sensitive". No-one ever stands up to her. About a year ago she did something particularly vile and I demanded an apology. She refused and I ended up having to back down even though I shouldn't have. Most of it is pretty unremarkable stuff, for instance we were going round to the PIL for dinner and she emailed my DH to say, "mum and dad are really looking forward to seeing their son and grandchildren" (deliberately leaving me out). I know it's petty, but wouldn't most normal people say "mum and dad are really looking forward to seeing you all"? She is also always trying to get DH to go on holiday with her and our DC, but leaving me behind.

Over the years, it has really eaten away at my self-esteem. I have always taken her dislike of me very personally. However, recently my DH mentioned that she was exactly the same with his first DW (they were young and only married for a few months). I can't believe he never mentioned it before, but at last I can see that it isn't me!

The thing that worries me is that the DC witness her bad treatment of me and I think I am setting a bad example by putting up with it. I am so tempted to tell her to stay out of our lives, but I am just not brave enough.

So I need some survival strategies. Anyone? Thanks Smile

OP posts:
paddypoopants · 21/03/2011 15:29

This is for your dh to sort. Your inlaws aren't going to listen to you so he needs to get a grip and have strong words with her and tell her in no uncertain terms that he is not going to stand for this constant undermining of you - and let his parents know as well.Why should you have to put up with such rubbish behaviour from his family. Sorry I have to post and run much as I would love a long chat about annoying in laws.

MrClaypole · 21/03/2011 15:34

She sounds vile.

What does your DH do to support youin this?

Your DH needs to tell her to stop being vile and give her some consequences of continuing to be so horrid.

tigana · 21/03/2011 15:39

I think your dh needs to go into bat for you. She is his sister. He needs to not tolerate her behaviour and challenge her about it.

Does she have a partner/family of her own?
She sounds jealous. Were the close as children? Did they 'survive' a stormy childhood together?

Original poster
BornAgainDomesticGoddess · 21/03/2011 16:09

DH just won't stand up to her in spite of me constantly pleading, "why won't you stand up for me?". He dismisses the incidents most of the time, for instance saying that she said 'Spaz' was a 'term of endearment' (in spite of the context) or he says "I did stand up for you once. I asked her to apologise" (only the once and she never did, I had to eventually back down). Or he says "sorry, I'm just a spineless arse".

They had a good upbringing, she was the favourite child and very spoiled. No, she doesn't have her own family. I do think she's jealous, in fact the PIL once said in her defence "she feels that you've taken [DH] away from her".

OP posts:
annielouisa · 21/03/2011 17:01

Just think what a strong couple you are. It took this harridan a few months to see off DPX. It seems to me that she probably has some real issues herself and her family have enabled her to behave like this because she caused them so much grief if she didn't.

HecateTheCrone · 21/03/2011 17:05

What the hell is the matter with her? She's acting like a jealous lover, not a bloody sibling Hmm

I think your biggest problem is not with her. I can't believe your husband won't stand up to her. Where does his loyalty lie?

He'd rather see his wife humiliated and treated like shit than stand up to his sister?

In your shoes, I honestly would be telling him that he has a choice to make, because you will not allow her to continue to treat you so badly.

I don't understand why you want advice on how to bend over and take it right up the arse when you should be squaring up to her.

tigana · 21/03/2011 17:08

ok, tell your dh to man up! Tell him his spolit brat of a sister is really upsetting you, not that you 'need' him to stand up for you but that you expect his support. All he needs to do is say "sis, that is out of order, don't you think?" a few times and see if she gets the message. I'm sure he is trying to avoid conflict within his family - but you may need to remind him about his own immediate family of you and the DC suffering becuase of her obnoxious behavior.

annalouisa is probably right, she has ishoos.

tigana · 21/03/2011 17:10

hecate that's what i thought - the bit about the jealous lover... it's why i asked about whrether they had had a tough childhood, hence the stronger-than-usual bond...

TheVisitor · 21/03/2011 17:14

I'd be saying strong words here! I'd also refuse to have her in the house unless she can act like a civil human being. With your H, tell him you don't give a monkey's chuff if she "doesn't mean it", you find it offensive and he needs to sort it. I'd also tell her to knob right off if she was hardfaced towards me, and I wouldn't back down.

paddypoopants · 21/03/2011 17:16

Does your dh know how upset you are by this? He does sound like a spineless arse I have to say- I know my dh was the same when my inlaws were being rubbish. You may rage at how your sil is the favourite and how unfair it is but that's something that's never going to change and your pil aren't going to thank you for pointing it out - only your dh can do that and he doesn't seem to care.
But - you don't have to put up with her crap. Don't back down. Get enough courage to call her on all the stuff she says. Don't demand apologies or engage with all the stuff she does -just tell her what you think of it and walk off. If you get arsey enough your dh might intervene and sort it out in order to keep the peace.

ExitPursuedByALamb · 21/03/2011 17:20

Are you able to talk to her yourself. She is patently seething with jealousy and wants your DH to herself. Can you take her to one side and put her straight? Two strategies, one would be to explain to her that you understand how she feels but that she will lose DH altogether if she does not ease up on you. The other would be to ridicule her behaviour constantly in front of your DH, PILs and anyone else.

She sounds like a real nightmare.

ddubsgirl · 21/03/2011 17:29

you need to stand your ground and tell her to grow the fuck up and as for dh tell him to either stand up for you or he can go live with her,hes a grown man with kids,stop treating her like she a bloody princess.

Chuckles78 · 21/03/2011 17:34

She needs to grow up FFS. What married man would take his children on holiday with his sister leaving his loving wife at home? Does she genuinely believe he'll do that? She's an absolute moron.

ZenNudist · 21/03/2011 17:36

OP I am sorry to hear you've had to put up with her awful behaviour for this long. It's all very well posters saying your dh should stick up for you but he hasn't and so nothing has changed. The time has come to take steps yourself to improve matters. This 'woman' (although she sounds more like a spoiled child) has been inexcusably rude to you for years you owe her nothing. If I were in your position this is what I'd do: Cut her out. She is no longer welcome in your house. You and your dc should not go to your PIL if she is there. Your dh can go round on his own but don't let him take your dc. You are excluding her not them exclude you. Invite your PIL to yours but not her. Don't make a fuss. Don't get into slanging matches. Be calm, reasonable, don't spend ages justifying your choice. Stick with it. Don't back down. Either this will force the issue & she will have to apologise and promise to behave better or their family get togethers will be ruined. This is her fault (& your dh and PIL's for sanctioning her behaviour) not your fault. If nothing else it will force your dh to deal with her.

It's extreme but it will finally make a stand. Do you have the stomach for it?!

Original poster
BornAgainDomesticGoddess · 21/03/2011 17:40

She's acting like a jealous lover, not a bloody sibling

Funny you should say that, it is exactly what it feels like. In fact, when we were first dating, we were at her house one morning and DH said to her "BADG and I are going to Hyde Park today" and she said to him "no you're not, you are coming lingerie shopping with me". I always thought that was really weird on so many levels.

OP posts:
brookeslay · 21/03/2011 17:45

You sure I didn`t write that thread.. OP I could easily these two should meet and comapare notes.
Joins sympathy club brings Wine

Original poster
BornAgainDomesticGoddess · 21/03/2011 17:46

What, have you got a SIL like that as well, brookeslay?

OP posts:
ScarlettWalking · 21/03/2011 17:55

How weird. She definately sounds like a jilted lover. This really is quite odd, and the fact that he doesnt do anything about it and defends her. Also what your pil said about you taking him away.......

Original poster
BornAgainDomesticGoddess · 21/03/2011 18:04

ZenNudist, that's great advice to cut her out - thanks. Do I have the stomach for it? Yes, I do. But what do I say to people? DH and the PIL always belittle my feelings. They will probably tell me I am "over-reacting" or I can't do that "because SIL is DH's sister". No-one ever takes me seriously Sad

OP posts:
brookeslay · 21/03/2011 18:04

Yes it really spooked me when I was reading it and in a way comforting means I`m not the only one suffering. My partner is so used to her bad behaviour and attempts to difuse it with saying thats just her way. The first time she met me she did not utter a word to me for a whole weekend just glared.

I think they must practice these looks and shoot them to you when no one is looking. Ditto she is the favourite child I call her the chosen one and the rest are her folowers.

She hates children and constanly calls them brats even though my son with her partner is her only nephew.

She goes on about her friends and when I at family parties I get on with them they take my number to arrange to meet and then they mysteriously get warned off I dread to think what she tells them. She guards my partners cousins etc like a lioness and I should not even be talking to them.

It has also affected my self esteem I am scared to interact with my son at toddler groups as I don`t feel I would be accepted. She has given me the feeling something wrong with me. Logically I know it is her but after so many years it does impact upon you.

brookeslay · 21/03/2011 18:05

p.s I get the over sensitive line too...

blinks · 21/03/2011 18:07

i'd drop kick her out my fucking house.

Original poster
BornAgainDomesticGoddess · 21/03/2011 18:08

OMG Brookeslay, are you sure you are not me?

She goes on about her friends and when I at family parties I get on with them they take my number to arrange to meet and then they mysteriously get warned off I dread to think what she tells them.

This has happened to me.

It has also affected my self esteem ... She has given me the feeling something wrong with me. Logically I know it is her but after so many years it does impact upon you.

And this.

OP posts:
MrsBloomingTroll · 21/03/2011 18:09

My SIL was a bit like this when DH and I first started seeing each other. Also a spoilt child. She definitely acted liked the other woman, even made a fuss a few days before our wedding about not being involved enough, which reduced me to tears.

It stemmed from her and my DH having a close relationship due to a small age gap and a bit of a nomadic existence growing up, which meant they clung to each other.

If it's any comfort, it stopped when she got a man of her own. She is now safely married and we get on okay. These days DH is quite critical of her and has a healthy distance from her (not my doing - he worked it out for himself).

Does your SIL have a boyfriend or any prospect of one? Can you sign her up to online dating? Grin

As for survival strategies...I'd recommend avoidance, for your own sanity. Can you send your DH and DCs to see her/PILs without you?

In the meantime, have a Wine.

saffy85 · 21/03/2011 18:16

She wouldn't be allowed over my threshold until she showed me respect. Am seething on your behalf and that of your DD Angry What a revolting thing to say, it's totally inexcusable.

However, this is something your husband needs to deal with. He needs to stand up for you and tell her he will not stand for her bullshit. She has no reason to act this way, and yes, she sounds like a jealous ex girlfriend and not a sister.