Tips for dealing with toxic SIL

[BornAgainDomesticGoddess]

My SIL hates me and has done since me and DH first started dating yonks ago. This started before she had even met me or knew anything about me. DH and I are now married with 2 DC and are very happy. However, she continuously does hurtful, spiteful things to me and is constantly trying to persuade DH to leave me even though he is (in his words) "extremely happy and with his soul mate".

She does odd things. For instance, when she is around me, she pulls 'disgusted' faces all the time. She ignores me completely and if DH leaves the room, she will follow him. If she comes to dinner and I have cooked, she will push the food around her plate with the same disgusted look and not eat any of it. However, if DH has cooked it, she will eat it no problem. She has sent Christmas Cards to DH and the DC, but left my name off. Years ago, when we told her we were trying for DC1, she said, "don't have a baby with her - it will end up being another spaz" (my daughter from a previous relationship has some special needs).

She is constantly stirring up trouble between me and DH and me and the PIL. Unfortunately, she is the favourite child, so they justify everything she says and does with, "oh, I'm sure she didn't mean it" or "that's just how she is" or "you are being over-sensitive". No-one ever stands up to her. About a year ago she did something particularly vile and I demanded an apology. She refused and I ended up having to back down even though I shouldn't have. Most of it is pretty unremarkable stuff, for instance we were going round to the PIL for dinner and she emailed my DH to say, "mum and dad are really looking forward to seeing their son and grandchildren" (deliberately leaving me out). I know it's petty, but wouldn't most normal people say "mum and dad are really looking forward to seeing you all"? She is also always trying to get DH to go on holiday with her and our DC, but leaving me behind.

Over the years, it has really eaten away at my self-esteem. I have always taken her dislike of me very personally. However, recently my DH mentioned that she was exactly the same with his first DW (they were young and only married for a few months). I can't believe he never mentioned it before, but at last I can see that it isn't me!

The thing that worries me is that the DC witness her bad treatment of me and I think I am setting a bad example by putting up with it. I am so tempted to tell her to stay out of our lives, but I am just not brave enough.

So I need some survival strategies. Anyone? Thanks

One thing , op , if you have decided this is what your going to do , be clear that it is not up for discussion again, ever . You dont want him coming back from visiting her whinging about how upset she is and she doesnt know what shes done wrong ect .

Its likeley she,ll try and guilt trip him and manipulate him and he might try the same with you . Have you covered all areas ? Ie , have you thought what your going to do at other family events where your all going to be present ?

I think your DH is going all out to point out the reasons why you can not cut SIL out of your lives rather than facing the fact you want nothing to do with SIL. Why hasn't he come up with some workable solutions such as saying he will approach SIL and ask her to at least be respectful towards you? You don't have to like each other but politeness should at least be expected.

I'm still having trouble adjusting to the fact he deems SIL's feelings more important than yours!

This time it is..."Well, what happens when she has DC's?"...next time it will be something else imo.

So what if SIL one day has DC's...you deal with it as you see fit if and when it happens...why worry about something that you may not have to front out for a while yet?

I think your DH is giving nothing but 'lip service' to your concerns, he is happy with things as they are and is doing no more than placating you - whilst in the background he arranges his next visit/phone call/email to SIL safe in the knowledge you won't be there to hear their conversations.

From what you have posted your DH is giving no inclination of truly supporting your no contact with SIL decision.

I'm starting to think Custardo's idea maybe the only way to go now.

FWIW my sister is my DC's aunt...they were old enough to understand when I went no contact....they were/are glad we don't see her any more...in over 3 years they only ever mention her to say how nasty she was. Imo being related by blood means diddley squat if the relative is abusive.

"So what if SIL one day has DC's...you deal with it as you see fit if and when it happens...why worry about something that you may not have to front out for a while yet?"

I need to feel confident in my decision and in order to do that, I need to address this issue. My thinking now, is that if the SIL does reproduce, then I am happy for her DC to see my DC, but without her present. This could possibly be facilitated by DH or the PIL. If there are any family gatherings and she is there, then the DC and I will not attend.

I have to be firm; I have put up with this shit for far too long.

"My thinking now, is that if the SIL does reproduce, then I am happy for her DC to see my DC, but without her present. This could possibly be facilitated by DH or the PIL. If there are any family gatherings and she is there, then the DC and I will not attend."

I think that is a workable plan...but I think you need to be prepared for 'sneakiness' to creep in where SIL pops in all unexpectedly when your DC's are about, and for other family members to either not tell you or even enable the popping in.

I do feel for you BADG, this is such a hard situation to manage by yourself.

Do you get on with the rest of them op ? How would you feel about not attending family gatherings where she is present ? Have you thought about how your going to handle the pressure you might receive from the rest of the family ?

Not wanting to be negative , but its best to cover all areas . Also its likeley you will bump into her at some point so its best to have a plan. I cut my toxic mil out , and basicly the rest of the family fell out with me , because aparently she was just like that and i was clearly just oversensitive !. It didnt bother me because they were all a pain in the arse anyway but it caused serious problems in my marriage because my H used to try and bully me into going and patching things up claiming i was making life difficult for him.

Theres a good book called toxic in laws thats worth a read.

Forgot to add on one of my previous posts in my FWIW...

My sister has DC's...this means my DC's have not seen their cousins for 3 years either...this is because have no-one I can trust not to allow my sister access to my DC's, also my DC's cousins have been raised by my sister and as they are not adult and independent yet they still have my sisters 'habits' ... therefore to save my DC's from abuse by proxy through my sisters negative attitude towards me, my DH and my DC's no contact at all has been the only route available.

OP I did the "DC's can meet if SIL is not there"

Worked well the first 2 times.

Third time she "popped in"

Bewear of that strategy

That's a good way of looking at it, MDS.

Whatever happens though, I'm gonna end up as the bad guy, aren't I

Maybe instead of being reasonable, I should just use her language to explain why I have cut her out: "I just don't like her". Well, it worked for her, didn't it?

I think its ok to say that , seriously . No one would expect you to spend time with someone you dont like .

bornagaindomesticgoddess You've certainly got balls for deciding not to let your children see her. The complication I foresee is that she'll probably refuse your brother access to her children just as she can't see his. I do like the solution above though that you could allow her to see them if she starts behaving like a decent human being towards you. (Presumably she's never been cruel to them, like she has you? Or has she?) But yes, I think you've got balls so well done you.

Popping in to see the lovely born again domestic goddess sorry not been on thread DS has a virus so slightly shattered. Also not helped by a misunderstanding over cards which has caused even more anomosity this week ( shudder) .

Bravo for cutting out SIL, it will at least ease your mind as you will not have to replay those conversations over in your mind and then suffer for days after the latest insult/ ignoring /dirty look.

I know what you mean about being the bad guy perhaps it should come from your husband that would really piss her off !!

"Also not helped by a misunderstanding over cards which has caused even more anomosity this week (shudder)."

Care to share, brookeslay?

Shudders and groans at the fallout of what should have been a simple exchange of cards.

My DP has gone to the Middle East so on my lonesome it was my birthday last Saturday. So on the prior Thursday the 17th I was informed by my MIL that they were going to Ironbridge that day and dropping in with Sil.

Sil hands me one card for my birthday she says the other card she has is a Mothers day card I was a bit sad as there was not one from my DS.

I was grrr at the thought my DP had left the task to someone who can`t stand me but that would need another whole thread to answer that question.

On my birthday talk to DP first thing he asks if I like the card from DS I say i only got one , he was livid thinking the other card was being withheld.

I rang up ( not that I wanted to and asked in laws to bring it over the next day as we were due to go out)

Arrived and pointedly stated in a angry manner that the card was a mothers day card. I was told by DP again it was a birthday card. I rang and said could someone drop it in on the way back from work as they all work nearby.

A very tense, terse phone call monday was told that it would be dropped off tuesday. It wasnt , Wednesday I rang and said dont worry just keep the card safe .

Thursday I was told I would be having the card dropped off as my FIL as he had it on him. It arrived opened and crumbled looked like it been kicked about a bit and it had been opened

It was a mother card that partner had mixed up for a birthday card .. So someone had opened it or looked at it. You would think with the aggro I had called her a lying bitch with the silent treatment I`m now getting.

So bascially Im the devils spawn as I had taken my DPs word rather than my SIl . I was thinking the whole time how can she tell its a mothers day card when it has my name on the front and its sealed

Your DH is a tool though for doing it through her.

He could have easily left it in a drawer somewhere and told you where to look for it when the time came. No need for the SIL to have been involved AT ALL.

I totally agree I said to him you could have left them in a book and then told which one on my brithday..

Dont forget those in the family cant see the behaviour ... or don`t want to !

Oh FFS. I think you are right though, those in the family can't see it. You should tell your DP he needs to bring you back a nice present from the Middle East by way of apology!

By the way, Happy Birthday from us .

He's programmed to their logic. Must be so infuriating for you. Still I suppose you have to go through these scenarios to figure out how to deal with them in the future and for your DH to avoid being drawn in.

There's no way of knowing how to predict what they'll do (cos it's not normal!!) to preempt it.

Had you known you could have warned him if he was organising a card to leave it at home somewhere and not involve the ILs.

Makes me laugh really at how ridiculous they are in handing you a dog eared card. How utterly petty, immature and bizarre.