Tips for dealing with toxic SIL

[BornAgainDomesticGoddess]

My SIL hates me and has done since me and DH first started dating yonks ago. This started before she had even met me or knew anything about me. DH and I are now married with 2 DC and are very happy. However, she continuously does hurtful, spiteful things to me and is constantly trying to persuade DH to leave me even though he is (in his words) "extremely happy and with his soul mate".

She does odd things. For instance, when she is around me, she pulls 'disgusted' faces all the time. She ignores me completely and if DH leaves the room, she will follow him. If she comes to dinner and I have cooked, she will push the food around her plate with the same disgusted look and not eat any of it. However, if DH has cooked it, she will eat it no problem. She has sent Christmas Cards to DH and the DC, but left my name off. Years ago, when we told her we were trying for DC1, she said, "don't have a baby with her - it will end up being another spaz" (my daughter from a previous relationship has some special needs).

She is constantly stirring up trouble between me and DH and me and the PIL. Unfortunately, she is the favourite child, so they justify everything she says and does with, "oh, I'm sure she didn't mean it" or "that's just how she is" or "you are being over-sensitive". No-one ever stands up to her. About a year ago she did something particularly vile and I demanded an apology. She refused and I ended up having to back down even though I shouldn't have. Most of it is pretty unremarkable stuff, for instance we were going round to the PIL for dinner and she emailed my DH to say, "mum and dad are really looking forward to seeing their son and grandchildren" (deliberately leaving me out). I know it's petty, but wouldn't most normal people say "mum and dad are really looking forward to seeing you all"? She is also always trying to get DH to go on holiday with her and our DC, but leaving me behind.

Over the years, it has really eaten away at my self-esteem. I have always taken her dislike of me very personally. However, recently my DH mentioned that she was exactly the same with his first DW (they were young and only married for a few months). I can't believe he never mentioned it before, but at last I can see that it isn't me!

The thing that worries me is that the DC witness her bad treatment of me and I think I am setting a bad example by putting up with it. I am so tempted to tell her to stay out of our lives, but I am just not brave enough.

So I need some survival strategies. Anyone? Thanks

Cutting her out is the only thing to do. If you don't then your DCs will grow up thinking that their mum is either a fair target for bullies or that you must be 'wrong' for aunty to treat you that way, they need to learn the right way to treat people & they are seeing the opposite right now.

I have a SIL who is like this but thankfully DP fell out with her for other reasons. She would throw parties & not invite me but invite DP & his ex (who she hated when they were together) & ignore me completely at PILs house ( no way was she coming in my house behaving like that), I tried pulling her up on stuff but when you start speaking about the unspoken in that sort of family people are v shocked & I was told to calm down & not be paranoid etc & rows would break out as I would feel DP not standing up to her. Was easier just to avoid her & not let the witch near my kids. She now acts like the OW in BILs marriage instead.

Maybe just stop all contact & if anyone asks why respond by asking them why on earth you would want to spend time with her & leave it at that. Tell DH not to bring her round when you are there & plan some nice things to do if DH wants to go off with her. He does need to stand up to her but you can't change his or her behaviour so change your own for now. Good luck OP!

your dh needs to get a backbone and tell her to bog of,i certainly wouldn,t allow any of my family to treat the father of my children in this way and they wouldn,t be welcome in our home until they learnt to respect everyone living there,its your home to and theres no way you should have to put up with it,if he cant stand up to her then you must,dont bloody cook for her or have her in your home if your dh wants to see her they can go elsewhere,calling your child a "spaz" totally unforgivable what a ignorant tit she must be tell her to feck of

you cant let her in your house letting her treat you like that infront of your kids, you need to say something like until you treat me with some respect your not welcome under our roof, and I think you need to tell her it dowsnt matter how vile she is you are not going anywhere! the petty child in me would say something like ooh you know when you pull that face (when she gives you a snide look) it makes you look older than your years, not atractive at all!
hopefully reading all the support on here will give you the confidence to say something, could you show dh the thread to show it isnt just you thinking she is a bitch?

Cut the toxic hag out.

Better for your children than having such a poisonous person in their lives.

Up to you what you say to your dh.

I would have zero respect for any man that allows his wife to be treated like shit.

Quote: when we told her we were trying for DC1, she said, "don't have a baby with her - it will end up being another spaz"

If my sister ever told me this about my DP, I would refuse to say a word to her, or have any contact with her, until she personally apologized to my DP (actually I may just cut her off completely... this is absolutely vile). I wouldn't wait for my DP to complain or bring it up: I simply wouldn't tolerate any spiteful behaviour of ANY of my family members against my DP.

"It's just the way she is" is just not enough. She is undermining and offending you, and your DP should put a stop to it. You are the woman your DP chose to spend his life with. He should support you and defend you.

"Would it be wrong of me to cut her out of mine and the DC's lives?".

No. You would not tolerate such from a friend, family is truly no different in that regard. She brings nothing at all positive into any of your lives.

I don't understand why on earth you're still inviting her round for meals/whatever when she's so rude? I don't care if it's his sister or whoever; anyone who showed me that sort of disrespect anywhere, let alone in my own home, would be OUT of my life, and my DCs straightaway. If DH still chose to see her, then fine, but not on my time.

What a cow.

I think you need to do what Zen said but talk to your husband first and tell him how you feel and that you will not put up with it anymore and that "this woman" is not allowed in your home anymore. You live there and have the right to say who is allowed in or not.

You need to show your husband that you are is family and that everyone else are just related to him.

Start small - she is not allowed in your house and you will not go to your PIL when she is there. Thats Phase one.

Phase two - If you see her and she insults you: Leave. Dont say anything just walk away. She will know why you are leaving no need to tell her. But tell your husband that this is what you are doing before hand and ask him if he will go with you or make his own way home. The first time you do it he will be shocked and stay but the second time he will go with you as he will see you mean it. But do not shout at him for not coming with you. Also be kind to PIL's

Phase 3 - The confentation: i think she will get you on your own and ask you why you are do it and try to undermine you and upset you. It is important to remain calm, civil and not back down. If you have a mobile i would have my husbands number on speed dial and have it in my pocket and call him so he can hear what she is saying. When she runs out of steam show her the phone and ask her if she would like to explain what she said to your DH. She will know the game is up and she will eighter never talk to you again or say sorry and change.

Good luck with what every you chose to do.

Just a thought - maybe a way of deflecting confrontation would be to answer "I get the feeling that you don't enjoy my company" if she asks why she's not invited etc
You don't need to give examples of her petty behaviour - agree that would feel demeaning for you.

"I get the feeling that you don't enjoy my company"

That's a good thing to say, but what if she retorts with "well, I'm not coming to see you, I'm coming to see the DC"?

"What makes you think they want to see a horrible bitch cow like you who puts their mother down"

Or

"Why are you in my house then?"

'No, I'm afraid you aren't coming to see them - it's really not good for them to see their mother, or anyone in their IMMEDIATE family being treated so appallingly. It sends out a very poor message - and I'm sure you wouldn't want them to grow up to be spoilt, nasty-tempered little brats who think that petty jealousies are acceptable reasons to create bad feeling in the family?'

Perfect suggestions, Shouty &Snowdrop! I am finally feeling a bit stronger, like I really do have the balls to stand up to her.

Thanks everyone for your advice - I really do appreciate it so much

Cut her out! I did that with my utterly toxic SIL and the relief is enormous, slowly over time other family members are starting to realise what a nasty manipulative little madam she is and I feel like I wasn't over sensitive or being mean to poor SIL, like I was told but correct in my initial judgement of her

Take that step you won't regret it

How long did you put up with it for before you cut her out, MyLittleOwls? If you don't mind me asking? I am just wondering what people will think. I have put up with her shit for so long and to suddenly say "enough is enough" for no reason. Her behaviour has got no worse. Then again, it's got no better. Won't people wonder why I have suddenly decided to cut her out?

You know her well now and know all the crap she pulls. Now you have to decide where your boundaries lie and enforce them.

I completely agree. You've had very good advice on what to do about her which I wholeheartedly endorse.

BADG, my SIL is absolutely vile. In her case, she was ok to me (as long as I never challenged her) but horrid to DH, who has now cut her off completely. I think his getting together with me was the catalyst for a lot of her worst behaviour coming to the fore.

Like yours, my SIL was the golden child. My PIL never challenged her (despite the massive tensions she caused in their relationship), in fact they enabled her in every delusion, temper tantrum or whatever over the years. My DH was the scapegoat child, belittled, criticised, neglected.

I do think the Toxic Inlaws book might be helpful t you in understanding the whole thing, but with one proviso: it doesn't ultimately matter why she does it or why his family is dysfunctional, it is unacceptable.

Please do not let anyone, even your DH, guilt you into accepting that SIL has some special licence to treat you like shit. She hasn't. No one has. They can all make their weird little unspoken family pacts to keep the dodgy peace, but you don't have to sign up to them and there are plenty of good reasons (e.g. protecting your DC from being trained up to be like this) why you shouldn't.

In my case DH solved the problem for me, but before he did I told him I'd put up with a lot for the sake of his getting on with his family, but there were certain lines not to be crossed (mainly involving DS). He accepted that, and he knew if SIL overstepped the mark I wasn't going to wait for him to sort it out. She would have got jumped on. That was actually instrumental in him realising he had to deal with it. So I suggest you tell DH what your red lines are, e.g. referred to DD in any derogatory terms. Then he can decide whether he wants to deal with it himself or what.

PS actually just admitting he is a spineless arse is more than pthetic, it is disloyal and lazy and utterly disrespectful, and you should tell him so.

Sorry that's long, but SIL's antics nearly destroyed a year of my life with DH and gave him depression. Once I open it all up again the bile just floods out!

Doh! referring to DD

Dont go to resaurants if she is there
din't invite her to your house
dh can visit her at her home or your pil's
don't answer the phone to her EVER
if dh does invie her round without your knowledge take the dcs and leave the house

Thanks Dropdeadfred. And what about the DC?

I'm sure that your dh will insist that she should have the right to see them, personally i think that she should be told that if she wnts that benefit then she should be told she needs to be polite and show respect to their mother
I wouldnt like her to see the dc because I wouldnt want them overhearing any snipey comments - I think perhaps you would need to play it by ear ..if the pils are there then allow the dc to be there too but not if it is just sil, then ask DH to make sure the dc are sat with pil and that there should be no discussions about you ...how old are your dc?

BADG, I put up with it for 2 years and made the break when DC1 was born as her behaviour got considerably worse after that. I refuse to go to events when she will be there and have stopped hiding the reason with some fake reason. I find the response of because I can't bear SIL stops many more questions being asked!

She has recently tried to claw her way back into our lives but DH has been instructed and has to his credit nipped it in the bud.

She is a bully/emotional abuser who has conditioned your DH (and other family members)never to stand up to her, and to see her behaviour as "normal" so he won't say anything to her as she has trained him to see her as the normal, reasonable one and you (or anyone else who disagrees with her) as the unreasonable one.

My grand mother conditioned her entire family to accept her behaviour as normal, though she was in fact a vile sadistic bully and so selfish it took your breath away. My mother tried to stand up to her but finally discovered avoidance was the only answer, my father never stood up to his mother in 60 years.

You need to look at such books as "toxic inlaws" and any other tomes that deal with a family that revolves round a single bullying personality.

The reason your SIL hates you is you don't worship her and you don't do what she wants. She probably has a personality disorder of some sort, possibly narcissistic (ie the world has to revolve around her and all others must either be servant/slaves or got rid of). Her main issue is she can't get you out of her social circle. If you were a friend you'd have gone long ago, but you are married to her brother so you won't go away.

this site deal with workplace bullies but you may find items here that apply to your SIL.

Don't try to have confrontations with her, she has an established powerbase and plenty of people already conditioned to take her side. Be non commital and ignore her when possible. Don't try to get your DH involved, he doesn't even realise his sister is a monster.

Don't try to get your DH involved, he doesn't even realise his sister is a monster.

Do you think so? Hmm, I wonder...

Dropdeadfred, the DC are 6 and 4. She has always been a bit weird around them. A bit clingy, if that makes sense? Another thing is, when she comes to our house the first thing she does is rummage around in their bedroom and find all the clothes that she has bought them for birthdays and stuff (even if they don't fit anymore) and change them into those. Then she gets out all the toys that she and the PIL have bought and will only let them play with those things. If they try to play with something else, she says, "no, no, you don't want to play with that". She will then spend the whole time talking about when her and DH were small. She just behaves like nothing else exists beyond her family. I feel like she's trying to brainwash them. I dunno, maybe it's normal. I am the one who came from a 'classic' dysfunctional family, so what do I know?

You poor thing - she sounds absolutely vile. At least you can take heart from the fact that this is not personal (even though it must feel like it!!) as this is her problem since it seems she is jealous of anyone who gets close to her brother. She's acting like a 2 year old! I think you need to keep her out of your lives as much as possible and your dh needs to support you in this.

As for the 'spaz' comment Words fail me....