Tips for dealing with toxic SIL

[BornAgainDomesticGoddess]

My SIL hates me and has done since me and DH first started dating yonks ago. This started before she had even met me or knew anything about me. DH and I are now married with 2 DC and are very happy. However, she continuously does hurtful, spiteful things to me and is constantly trying to persuade DH to leave me even though he is (in his words) "extremely happy and with his soul mate".

She does odd things. For instance, when she is around me, she pulls 'disgusted' faces all the time. She ignores me completely and if DH leaves the room, she will follow him. If she comes to dinner and I have cooked, she will push the food around her plate with the same disgusted look and not eat any of it. However, if DH has cooked it, she will eat it no problem. She has sent Christmas Cards to DH and the DC, but left my name off. Years ago, when we told her we were trying for DC1, she said, "don't have a baby with her - it will end up being another spaz" (my daughter from a previous relationship has some special needs).

She is constantly stirring up trouble between me and DH and me and the PIL. Unfortunately, she is the favourite child, so they justify everything she says and does with, "oh, I'm sure she didn't mean it" or "that's just how she is" or "you are being over-sensitive". No-one ever stands up to her. About a year ago she did something particularly vile and I demanded an apology. She refused and I ended up having to back down even though I shouldn't have. Most of it is pretty unremarkable stuff, for instance we were going round to the PIL for dinner and she emailed my DH to say, "mum and dad are really looking forward to seeing their son and grandchildren" (deliberately leaving me out). I know it's petty, but wouldn't most normal people say "mum and dad are really looking forward to seeing you all"? She is also always trying to get DH to go on holiday with her and our DC, but leaving me behind.

Over the years, it has really eaten away at my self-esteem. I have always taken her dislike of me very personally. However, recently my DH mentioned that she was exactly the same with his first DW (they were young and only married for a few months). I can't believe he never mentioned it before, but at last I can see that it isn't me!

The thing that worries me is that the DC witness her bad treatment of me and I think I am setting a bad example by putting up with it. I am so tempted to tell her to stay out of our lives, but I am just not brave enough.

So I need some survival strategies. Anyone? Thanks

Ohh I forgot she also does the food bit and if anything is under par. Not that she can cook herself her mother cooks or her partner cooks.

Also when we attend family meals I sit down and she, her mother and aunt then sit as far away from me as possible like witches I think..

I spend the whole wishing I wasn`t there.. or make excuses and go outside with my toddler the relief !!

Hi BADG,

I guess, like many people, your own family upbringing was thankfully nothing like that of your DH's and his sister. It makes this type of familial dysfunction very hard for you to comprehend.

re this comment:-
"They had a good upbringing, she was the favourite child and very spoiled"

This is not at all indicative of a good upbringing but more like a dysfunctional one. She was the golden child, people from such dysfunctional families end up playing roles as your DH is now doing as well. Sounds like both she and your DH are the products of an overall dysfunctional family unit. Their parents have certainly not helped matters.

Your DH is not helping any as his primary loyalty should be to you his wife. He is married to you after all. I think he is also afraid of his parents as well as his sister which is no excuse still for his lack of guts when it comes to his own family.

The "over sensitive" comment is often tossed around by toxic parents and inlaws in response to reasoned argument from the victims of their toxic type behaviours.

You must protect your children from such toxic influences; they will be influenced not just to say damaged emotionally if you keep tolerating her in any way shape or form.

You would not tolerate this from a friend, family are really no different in this regard. I would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward (do read this as well brookeslay).

• spend the whole time wishing I wasn`t there

Oh BADG, I feel like I'm looking in a mirror! My SIL-to-be is an absolute nightmare & everything you've said I wouldn't put it past her so I know how you're feeling!

My toxic SIL is older than me & DP but acts like a 6 year old, she's so immature. Again - favourite child, can't put a foot wrong in PILs eyes .etc. She also pulls the "mum and dad - their son, my family, not yours .etc" card.

Luckily, we haven't spoken since DP put his foot down with her & told her that she does not disrespect their parents (whole other story) & she does not speak to me like she did (I got dragged into the argument by her & she was absolutely vile to me!) SIL will not be having any part in DC's life when he or she arrives, DP has been extremely strict on that.

Cut this horrible woman out as much as you can as others have suggested, you & DP certainly don't need someone like that in yours & DC's lives. Yes, she is your DC's Aunt but she's also vile by the sounds of it!

As for survival techniques, I find the following works - if you do have to face her, be sure to gently remind PILs what a lovely DIL they have, (help out .etc) it will drive toxic SIL mad!

Your DH is the real problem here; it is shocking that he won't stand up for you.

You have to stop seeing this woman; just refuse to go to family get-togethers; what is the worse that can happen? Let your DH go on his own if he is too feeble to stand up for you.

I wouldn't dream of letting someone treat my DH like this - how old are you all?

Brookeslay, can I ask why you attend those meals? I wouldn't!

Don't even think twice about cutting her out. My friend did this with her toxic SIL and says it's like a weight has been lifted. She stays away from every event which her SIL goes to, hasn't seen her for 2 yrs despite us all living in a small town, and slowly others have realised what she's like too so her friendships haven't been affected.

The comment about your DD is utterly vile. That says it all about her - I wouldn't want to be within a mile of anyone who spouted that kind of crap.

I think your DH needs to step up a bit though. Make sure he supports you in this. There is no way the S word (Can't even type it!) could be dressed up as a term of endearment for your dd. He needs to get his head out of the sand.

I would not have anything to do with a venomous piece of shit like that and I would have no qualsm whatsoever about cutting her out of mine and my children's lives.

Probably not a popular take on it, but there you go.

(oh, I haven't seen my toxic SIL for 4 years and have NO regrets either. I'm so glad she was out of our lives before our children came along so that she couldn't rub her poison on them).

My DH's Sis was like this when we first got together and did some horrible things, going through our possessions, telling him (and me!) that I wasn't good enough etc. Don't know what triggered it but she was a right cow. His parents were fine but didn't do anything about it so were basically complicit.

So similar to the OP but not quite as bitchy perhaps.

The difference was my DH. He turned round to them and said that they were making him choose between them or me and he was going to choose me. He was prepared to cut them off if they didn't change their behaviour.

So they changed. I now have a fairly good relationship with my SIL, we're never going to be bosom buddies but we can have a conversation.

OP, do you think your DP will stand up for you or is this all on you?

Sorry was doing bath & teatime. Not read the rest of the thread. If I were going to cut her out I wouldn't do it with big dramatic fanfare. I'd start slowly. Snub her like she snubs you. That's fair. Not go to ILs one day when she's there but make nicey nice to them and invite them out somewhere nice. Kill your ILs with kindness and make excuses not to see SIL. As it becomes more obvious that you are avoiding SIL counter any suggestion you are overreacting with a frank and pleasant explanation. Something like: I don't want to be insulted and sneered at and if you think it is overreacting to avoid unpleasantness then I am sorry, but this is how I feel.

If they say you can't because 'she's dh's sister' say 'yes & I'm his wife & mother of his children'. You are more important here. How well it works depends on your own determination to change your family set up for the better. Also you don't want your dc to grow up thinking SIL represents acceptable adult behaviour. Not getting into arguments and situations where you'd come out looking bad will help you keep your upper hand.

my bil was abit like this when first with dh,not as nasty tho,he felt like i was taking his brother away for him,it took awhile for things to settle down once bil had his own kids,before that tho when he was living with his g/f and just after they married they would invite dh over but not me or the kids,it upset me alot,stuck indoors with 4 kids when he was out having fun,one day i snapped and told them all what i thought and how i felt and this was in front of pils too,after that they stopped doing it.

i agree that your dh needs to man up but you also need to say straight out and name her behaviour 'ie why would you want my dc to go on holiday without their mother, you're acting like a jealous lover!' don't get upset by her, treat her in a condecending 'oh fgs' manner. Your dh will have to accept the reality of the situation, whereas if you get hurt / upset by it they will accuse you of being over sensitive. She sounds like a nut job!

Thanks so much for all your replies. To be honest, I was worried that I would be accused of 'overreacting' or told to 'put up with it' as it's DH's DS.

OK, I need to accept that SIL is never doing to change or apologise for her behaviour and my feeble DH is never going to stand up for me against his family. With this in mind, I think I do need to cut her out of our lives, not only for my own sanity and preservation of self-esteem, but also because I don't want her poison rubbing off on my kids.

Thanks for the suggestion that I snub her like she has snubbed me. I will do that. However, there will come a point when she asks to come round. What do I do then? How do I tell her that I am cutting her out of mine and the DC's lives? And what explanation do I give? The thing is about her, all the incidents were quite subtle so it would sound a bit childish to say, "well you ignore me or pull faces and leave my name off Christmas cards". The 'Spaz' incident was many years ago so it would seem a bit odd doing something about it after so many years. So what do I say?

Please can you help me construct something. Thanks.

I think you are all a bit busy the next few times she wants to come round."Just enjoying our family time together with no outsiders."

Thanks saffronwblue. I guess that is the approach I would take. However there is going to come a time when I will have to approach it head on and say, "look - you're a nasty bitch who has made my life hell for the past few years and I don't want you in mine and the DC's lives anymore. What DH does is up to him, but stay away from us".

You know, typing that makes me think that I don't even have the right to do that .

Subtle put downs are the worst because they do make you look petty when you complain about them. Having them repeated over and over again does eat at your self worth.

This is so true, MDS. These two sentences have just summed up my life for the past few years.

God, how did I become so pathetic? I used to be a really confident, happy, assertive person who wouldn't take shit from anyone. I am just like a bitter victim now. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN???

Ugh!

She sounds like a vile bitch! Tell DH that he's setting a bad example for his children by being a "spineless arse" and that he needs to stand up for you. Tell him you've got Mumsnet Consensus behind you :)

Then take the rest of the advice on this thread.

You poor thing, she really does sound awful. Imagine how satisfying it'll be to stand up to her, though!

i wouldn't expect too much from your husband. Mine is the same, he lets her do it, i think they see the SIL's behaviour as normal because they were brought up with it (no excuse)

I have learnt to avoid mine as much as possible, its the only way.

MadamDeathstare, the thing is, if I do leave the restaurant because she's ignoring me or gives me a 'look', or something like that, then I'm the bad guy who has ruined everyone's evening.

BADG,

It is very difficult for your H to stand up to his dysfunctional family after a lifetime of such conditioning (he regards all this as "normal") but his primary loyalty should be now to you as his wife and as such should defend his own family unit.

I would read up on Narcissistic personality disorder and see if there are any parallels between those writings and your SIL.

And if you decide to cut her off no verbal explanation is truly necessary.

OK, so given that this has been going on for years, she refuses to change her behaviour and DH refuses to stand up for me...

Would it be wrong of me to cut her out of mine and the DC's lives?

No, it would not be wrong, on the contrary, you'd be doing a great service to yourself and your DC's!