Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tips for dealing with toxic SIL

166 replies

BornAgainDomesticGoddess · 21/03/2011 15:21

My SIL hates me and has done since me and DH first started dating yonks ago. This started before she had even met me or knew anything about me. DH and I are now married with 2 DC and are very happy. However, she continuously does hurtful, spiteful things to me and is constantly trying to persuade DH to leave me even though he is (in his words) "extremely happy and with his soul mate".

She does odd things. For instance, when she is around me, she pulls 'disgusted' faces all the time. She ignores me completely and if DH leaves the room, she will follow him. If she comes to dinner and I have cooked, she will push the food around her plate with the same disgusted look and not eat any of it. However, if DH has cooked it, she will eat it no problem. She has sent Christmas Cards to DH and the DC, but left my name off. Years ago, when we told her we were trying for DC1, she said, "don't have a baby with her - it will end up being another spaz" (my daughter from a previous relationship has some special needs).

She is constantly stirring up trouble between me and DH and me and the PIL. Unfortunately, she is the favourite child, so they justify everything she says and does with, "oh, I'm sure she didn't mean it" or "that's just how she is" or "you are being over-sensitive". No-one ever stands up to her. About a year ago she did something particularly vile and I demanded an apology. She refused and I ended up having to back down even though I shouldn't have. Most of it is pretty unremarkable stuff, for instance we were going round to the PIL for dinner and she emailed my DH to say, "mum and dad are really looking forward to seeing their son and grandchildren" (deliberately leaving me out). I know it's petty, but wouldn't most normal people say "mum and dad are really looking forward to seeing you all"? She is also always trying to get DH to go on holiday with her and our DC, but leaving me behind.

Over the years, it has really eaten away at my self-esteem. I have always taken her dislike of me very personally. However, recently my DH mentioned that she was exactly the same with his first DW (they were young and only married for a few months). I can't believe he never mentioned it before, but at last I can see that it isn't me!

The thing that worries me is that the DC witness her bad treatment of me and I think I am setting a bad example by putting up with it. I am so tempted to tell her to stay out of our lives, but I am just not brave enough.

So I need some survival strategies. Anyone? Thanks Smile

OP posts:
MyLittleOwls · 22/03/2011 12:47

BADG - does your SIL have DC?

Original poster
BornAgainDomesticGoddess · 22/03/2011 12:48

She is currently trying for a baby.

OP posts:
MyLittleOwls · 22/03/2011 12:50

Miggsie, OMG! What you said is sooooooo true for my SIL I got a shiver down my spine it is bang on.

The reason your SIL hates you is you don't worship her and you don't do what she wants. She probably has a personality disorder of some sort, possibly narcissistic (ie the world has to revolve around her and all others must either be servant/slaves or got rid of). Her main issue is she can't get you out of her social circle. If you were a friend you'd have gone long ago, but you are married to her brother so you won't go away.

Original poster
BornAgainDomesticGoddess · 22/03/2011 12:53

There are some seriously smart girls on this site, aren't there MyLittleOwls? I would pay thousands for advice and insights like these, yet it's all free.

I love Mumsnet Smile

OP posts:
MyLittleOwls · 22/03/2011 12:54

BADG we are living each others very similar lives!

Original poster
BornAgainDomesticGoddess · 22/03/2011 12:55

Yeah we are. You, me and brookeslay should start a self-help group Smile

OP posts:
TheCrackFox · 22/03/2011 12:58

She sounds as mad as a box of frogs but the amazing thing about children is they are very good at sorting out the wheat from the chaff. Give it a couple of years and you will notice that your Dcs are always out at their friends whenever their Auntie pops round.

I would give her a wide berth too and leave DH to deal with his deranged sister.

Dropdeadfred · 22/03/2011 13:02

BADG - in that case I would probably not want her to see your dc either..although this will be alot harder to police i imagine.
I would begin by making sure she no longer comes to your house...
She needs to know that seeing YOUR children is a privilege not a right and that as they are geneically 50% you, she also needs to show you respect or you can remove that privilege, as i your right.
Good luck! You are not the petty one here - she is!

KittaKatta · 22/03/2011 13:03

first thing she does is rummage around in their bedroom and find all the clothes that she has bought them for birthdays and stuff (even if they don't fit anymore) and change them into those.
That is major freaky.............
though I would guess they will be dropped like hot spuds if she does have a baby.
Because you already must know that you will have done it all wrong and she will soooo much better at everything

CalamityKate · 22/03/2011 13:05

To me it's fairly simple.

You don't have her in your house; she can't be civil and respectful so why should she cross the threshold? If your children ask why, you tell them "Aunty Bilious is rude to Mummy, so she isn't allowed here". No fuss or drama - just calmly say it.

You don't allow your children to see her being rude/disrespectful to you. If she can't be civil, she doesn't get to see your children.

You need to toughen up.

MyLittleOwls · 22/03/2011 13:05

What I have learnt is that MIL will never see my side as she is under SIL spell, I spent too many years thinking if only she knew what SIL was like she would be appalled but it took a while to realise she does know, thinks its normal but enables the behaviour. So I have a working relationship with MIL but she knows the rules although she does need to be reminded frequently and tries to bend them. I hate having to second guess their plotting though there are so many nicer things to do in life!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/03/2011 13:07

BADG

As I wrote earlier if you have not read up on NPD (narcissitic personality disorder) I would suggest you do to see if there are any parallels re SIL.

They also have the most nasty mouths on them as well.

MyLittleOwls · 22/03/2011 13:10

TheCrackFox - you are so right about children sorting it out for themselves, this morning DC2 asked something about SIL and I said I didn't know as we don't see Auntie Mad Potato as I didn't like her as she is not nice to some people DC2 said you don't have to like everybody mummy....maybe I have banged that drum too much Blush

MadamDeathstare · 22/03/2011 13:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
BornAgainDomesticGoddess · 22/03/2011 13:12

Atilla, I did read up on NPD after you suggested it, thanks. Some of it did ring true. Especially the sense of self-importance and of being 'special'. And the obvious lack of empathy.

OP posts:
Original poster
BornAgainDomesticGoddess · 22/03/2011 13:13

MDS, as much as I love my DH, he is a spineless weasel Grin

OP posts:
Miggsie · 22/03/2011 13:29

I don't think your DH is spineless...he has been conditioned for a long time to always do what his sister wants. He probably can never remember a time he ever challenged her, she is the totally dominant personality, and this isn't going to change unless he realises it and does something about it.

This is how bullies and abusers get away with it because they create a reality using people who they know will not ever challenge them.

Original poster
BornAgainDomesticGoddess · 22/03/2011 13:30

You are right Miggsie.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 22/03/2011 13:48

Sometimes it doesn't pay to be reasonable, does it? Here you are trying to keep the moral high ground, justify what you do, ensure you are seen to be doing the right thing. Meanwhile the self-centred loony gets to have it all her own way because she doesn't actually care whether she's doing the right thing and wouldn't understand how other people felt about it even if she wanted to know. You're fighting to Queensbury rules while she is free to headbut, gouge and punch below the belt as often as she pleases. And the referee thinks this is fine because it's "just how she is" but you're different, you know what the rules should be.

Maybe it's your turn to be unreasonable for a change. Maybe "just how you are" includes an irrational dislike of having disrespectful, unhinged aunties on the premises. Fair, no?

Original poster
BornAgainDomesticGoddess · 22/03/2011 13:50

Maybe it's your turn to be unreasonable for a change. Maybe "just how you are" includes an irrational dislike of having disrespectful, unhinged aunties on the premises.

Thanks Annie. I might just decide to become unreasonable. Everything you said is true.

OP posts:
MyLittleOwls · 22/03/2011 14:07

BADG, so the way forward? Invite family to yours for meals, functions, meet up for days out etc etc but just don't invite SIL. Your stress levels will fall rapidly.

I have just done that with SIL for a family function coming up soon. SIL tried to get in through the back door so to speak but DH armed with a script from me told her she was not invited and we would manage without her. Yes there has been lots of sulking, it's not fair etc etc but I do not care, my family unit my rules.

The first time is most definately the hardest.

Original poster
BornAgainDomesticGoddess · 22/03/2011 14:09

Good for you, MyLittleOwls. I shall follow your example. My new motto:

My Family Unit, My Rules.

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 22/03/2011 14:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShoutyHamster · 22/03/2011 14:35

Apologies if I have missed this bit BADG, but what do you think the response would be from your DH if you were to sit him down and say, right, that's it?

'Your sister is poison, her attitude is going to affect our children, I won't have that. I won't put up with this ridiculous situation anymore. Your choices are as follows: 1. You speak to her and say that we've had enough, she either gets her act together or she is out of our lives - for the good of our children and our family, or 2. You continue to be spineless and I will, the next time I see her and she is rude, RIP HER TO SHREDS myself and tell her that that's the last time she sees me and therefore, my children. Option 1 offers the hope of progression and resolution, option 2 is nuclear and I promise you, will result in your having to choose between us or her, as I have reached the end of my tether.'

Assuming you could get across that you really mean business now, what do you think his reaction would be?

EldritchCleavage · 22/03/2011 14:39

Steel yourself against the emotional blackmail that will come. Every time we have contact with FIL we get lots of stuff about SIL and her life, even more since MIL died last year. FIL always wants DH to get back in touch, and says 'She's all on her own'. Last time he said it DH said 'Maybe she should have a think about why that is.'

Don't let anyone try to make you responsible for SIL's happiness, or sacrifice your own for hers.