Tips for dealing with toxic SIL

[BornAgainDomesticGoddess]

My SIL hates me and has done since me and DH first started dating yonks ago. This started before she had even met me or knew anything about me. DH and I are now married with 2 DC and are very happy. However, she continuously does hurtful, spiteful things to me and is constantly trying to persuade DH to leave me even though he is (in his words) "extremely happy and with his soul mate".

She does odd things. For instance, when she is around me, she pulls 'disgusted' faces all the time. She ignores me completely and if DH leaves the room, she will follow him. If she comes to dinner and I have cooked, she will push the food around her plate with the same disgusted look and not eat any of it. However, if DH has cooked it, she will eat it no problem. She has sent Christmas Cards to DH and the DC, but left my name off. Years ago, when we told her we were trying for DC1, she said, "don't have a baby with her - it will end up being another spaz" (my daughter from a previous relationship has some special needs).

She is constantly stirring up trouble between me and DH and me and the PIL. Unfortunately, she is the favourite child, so they justify everything she says and does with, "oh, I'm sure she didn't mean it" or "that's just how she is" or "you are being over-sensitive". No-one ever stands up to her. About a year ago she did something particularly vile and I demanded an apology. She refused and I ended up having to back down even though I shouldn't have. Most of it is pretty unremarkable stuff, for instance we were going round to the PIL for dinner and she emailed my DH to say, "mum and dad are really looking forward to seeing their son and grandchildren" (deliberately leaving me out). I know it's petty, but wouldn't most normal people say "mum and dad are really looking forward to seeing you all"? She is also always trying to get DH to go on holiday with her and our DC, but leaving me behind.

Over the years, it has really eaten away at my self-esteem. I have always taken her dislike of me very personally. However, recently my DH mentioned that she was exactly the same with his first DW (they were young and only married for a few months). I can't believe he never mentioned it before, but at last I can see that it isn't me!

The thing that worries me is that the DC witness her bad treatment of me and I think I am setting a bad example by putting up with it. I am so tempted to tell her to stay out of our lives, but I am just not brave enough.

So I need some survival strategies. Anyone? Thanks

I know and then it was mentioned AGAIN yestreday.. Sometimes you just want to hit your head against the wall..

I have been thinking about this thread and our situations and wondering...

Why is it that the victim invariably becomes the 'bad guy'? And is there a way to stop this happening?

'bad guy' in the eyes of the people doing the victimising?

Does it matter what they think?

'bad guy' in the eyes of the people standing by and letting it happen to you?

Does it matter what they think?

'Bad guy' in the eyes of everyone else. For instance, if you cut out a family member (for very good reasons) then it is possible that the other family members will regard you as the bad guy for cutting this person out.

Does it really matter? Well, depends on who it is. I have mentioned to DH that I am thinking of cutting out SIL from mine and the DC's lives, and he was horrified.

yes but he's happy for you to remain her victim so what he thinks isn't really rational is it?

I wouldn't store a lot of value in what other people think if they are not capable of balancing their views.

They may say 'it's just how she is' but then they also need to be able to say 'but we can see how it makes you feel so we will encourage her to stop'.

If they can't see both sides then their opinions aren't worth worrying about.

brass, I wish I was as confident as you. My self-esteem is practically zero. Not helped by being treated like shit by this family member, whilst everyone else (including my DH) just stand by and let it happen.

Grrr, I'm so angry

BornAgain... It is wrong of him not to stick up for you, but try not to let that make you too upset with him. She has him used to her unacceptable (outrageous) way of behaving, which makes him something of a victim too... You're coming into this as a 'new' (okay, not so new) family member and are able to see things more clearly. And you do have the strength to stand up to her, I believe - I can sense it in you. Anger is the first step to doing something about it... It's something my parents have never achieved in respect of the sister who the rest of us have disowned. Act on your anger - use it - and you will get there. It will be hard, but remember that you are in the right.

You are right G1nger, but I guess I can't shake off the feeling that I am "just making a fuss". Most of the incidents are so subtle that it sounds ridiculous when you tell people about them. But their effect has been devastating for my relationship with my DH and to my own self-esteem.

I am sticking to my guns. She is out of mine and the DC's lives. If she apologised for all her bad behaviour over the years and promised to change, then maybe I could forgive her. In fact, I know I would, I am a forgiving person. However, I think hell would freeze over before she apologised.

If DH and the PIL don't like it, then bollocks.

BornAgain - I know how you feel.

When I was dh's gf, I was at the pil's flat when sil arrived with bil and their 2 dd's. I was 19, and her dd's were 12 and 10 at the time. Part of the introduction included my age. DD1 greeted me with 'I hope I'm dead before I get to your age' No-one passed any comment or told her off for her rudeness.

Sil once said, in front of me, that she was our dd's only aunt. My aunt and dd's great-aunt didn't count, and neither bil's wife, who I always considered my sil. She is of the opinion that you can only be born a 'b' and that you don't become one by marrying.

My dh had always been told he was different - as a criticism, and had been told he would never find anyone to marry as a result. So, although when we married he felt his family were normal, and it took him some time to realise they were odd, at least he had already been brain-washed into feeling that he was an outcast.

If your sil is 'just' an abnoxious bully, 'accidentally' snubbing her may work. If, otoh, she's mentally ill ie npd or has a similar personality disorder that makes her so toxic, you're better off just cutting contact. My 'd'm has npd and possibility borderline personality disorder and I'm relieved (and sad) that I haven't seen her for 19 years since she disowned me.

Best of luck - eventually your dh will realise that they're not 'normal'. Maybe you could suggest that he went to counselling over the way they've treated him over the years. If he would agree to that, it could open his eyes, which would help you no end. In the meantime, keep yourself safe.

OMG i cant believe this but ive been looking throu all these comments and let me tell u i have extacly the same crap from my dreaded SIL but its mY husbands brothers WIFE!!!She bascially stalks me and doesnt like the attention being not on her what so ever.She uses there children they have towards everyone basically if any1 stands out of line or stands up to her she will use her kids saying ur not seeing them.......OMG i want to slap her!I cant stand much more of this behaviour the spolit bitch should deserve a slap shes called my two children a retard and unloved!!!!!!!!And my inlaws and husband turns round hands in the air and says its just her being her!!!!GGGRRRRHHH i cant stand it anymore feel like im going in sane as she stalks me and every move i make......Everything is turnt into a competation because her husband earns more and they dodge taxes and get the highest amount ever in tax credits and dont pay rent with 4 children she has about 3000 in the bank every other month and uses it 2 make me feel like poo as we dont get alot of help and husband only earns 300-350 a week and we have 2 pay full rent and council tax so do struggle majorly but they can go and spend a grand on what ever they like ie oak flooring....Please Please Please if anyone has any light 2 shed on this dreadful situation please help as im going to explode and not in a good way :/

mummykings ... start your own thread if you want to vent :)

She called you DD a spaz and she still has her teeth is still welcome in your home I think you need to tell your DH that she is to be cut out of your lives once and for all she sounds a right nut case.

thank u TongueTwisted i have now done so :) and must say it helps wonders to just say it how it is for once.

RabidEchidna Tell me about it its only because of my kids and my OH that she has her teeth but im now getting to the point of wanting to put an apple corer in her eye and take them out as tropheys If she carries on anylonger i will be putting down the law and will be barring her from my house and my family as i dont deserve to be put through this anylonger.Yes she defo is a nut case hun some one who even tracks my period incase i fall pregnant and steal the lime light

Is it the full moon that brings out the text speak werewolves?

Hun?

No afraid not DieintheNewYear its a daily basis hun

ARGH! When oh when will I learn to look at the date of the OP?
Bloody hell!