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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH having meal & drink with ex mistress

294 replies

MrsMiggins · 24/10/2005 21:27

Just shouting at MN cos need to vent my anger & despair....
DH away in hotel overnight (works 2 1/2 hrs from home)
ex-mistress also works for same company and is staying in same hotel tonight

He at least now tells me when she is staying too so at least hes finally being honest BUT how would you feel?

I told him that really he shoudl say to her "I dont want to socialise with you cos it distresses my wife & she is the most important person to me not you."
However, if he upsets her she may make things awkward at work, and we (he) has decided that he staying at work.

OP posts:
Beetroot · 05/11/2005 12:48

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Amanda1 · 05/11/2005 12:54

Message withdrawn

LadySherlockofLGJ · 05/11/2005 13:01

Mrs M

Well done.

To quote the song "Things can only get better" they will probbaly get worse before they get better, but you are now in control.

You go girl.

LGJ

winnie · 05/11/2005 13:01

Mrs.Miggins. I too am thinking of you. Look after yourself. x

sallystrawberry · 05/11/2005 13:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mum2OneAndBump · 05/11/2005 13:33

I am so sorry it has come to this, This man is a total arse.

Well done for taking the first steps, he always thought the grass was grenner on the other side now he has the time to relaise that this is far from the truth, He has lost his Family, wife.kids & home he deserves everything he gets.

It will be hard but be strong, your be very surprized at how you get through this.

Goodluck & take care xx

maturer · 05/11/2005 13:35

MrsM
Good- this needed to happen. Now you are in control and he will see what he really has lost. Believe me it won't last- he'll soon wake up to the fantsy he was living. Living with a grown woman who lives with her parents, every day together work and home! It takes a very special relationship to work in those circumstamces and no way is he or she special enough to make it work.
When he wakes up to reality- you are in charge. IF you want to consider making a go of it IF he is sorry enough etc etc etc IFIF _YOU are calling the shots honey.
If you chose to start all over by yourself , you have given it all, hehas caused this not you NEVER blame yourself. Keep strong, turn to friends for help and support, enjoy your children. Don't let him mess with your mind- he has to wake up not you!
Honey thinking about you- well done , it had to happen and I think you knew that. Keep talking. hugs....

PollyLogos · 05/11/2005 14:28

I am very sorry that you are having to go through this and suffer emotionally as much as you so obviously are..... BUT i am not at all sorry he has gone. Whatever the final outcome will be, I believe you need this space to sort things out one way or the other.

Gather all family and friends around you for support. Any negative stuff from his family just IGNORE. You know you have done as much as you could. Get legal advice now even if you haven't so far. Please, please, please don't start feeling sorry for him or guilty if he starts laying that on you.

Good luck and keep strong. Thinking of you, x

ggglimpopo · 05/11/2005 14:39

Message withdrawn

Freckle · 05/11/2005 14:57

I am so sorry that, as we all thought, he wasn't to be trusted after all. At least you can now move on, rather than living a life of hell for the next x months/years with him trying to make you feel paranoid or responsible for the situation.

Men really do keep their brains in the smallest round parts of their anatomy, don't they??

Chin up. You'll cope far better than you imagine.

Mosschops30 · 05/11/2005 15:06

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Chandra · 05/11/2005 15:45

MRs Miggins, I can not begin to imagine what are you feeling at the moment, just wanted to send XXXX and tell you, that although things will be somewhat difficult for a time, this is, in the long term, definitively for the better .

THe fact that he was calling her again from another phone after you found him rather than trying to sort the problem with you, explains the situation very well. Please don't think you are going to be alone because he was already gone since the moment that he decided to put your feelings second to his affair. Things are just turning fairer for you, and within some months, even easier.

You really don't need him, you were already on your own most of the week, you have your own job and your own network of support, the only thing you are going to loss is day to day contact with one of the most unreliable, treachurous son of (enough Chandra!) that you have been around in your life. You don't want him near you nor near your children, he is definitively a bad influence.

Chandra · 05/11/2005 15:47

... near your children ina aday to day basis, I meant to say

SleepyJess · 05/11/2005 15:50

Mrs M. Have been reading your thread and just wanted to send you some pretty useless but totally heartfelt (((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))). Can feel your pain, love.

SJ xxx

Original poster
MrsMiggins · 05/11/2005 15:58

thanks everyone

I feel so terrible and my family although they mean well are a little intimidating
this will all be about how angry they are rather than my loss or sadness

still I do have some very good friends in RL

he has rung to say he is in a Holiday Inn so hasnt actually gone to her but to be honest Im so pissed off at him

I cam home at lunchtime and found a letter from him saying how much he loved us all etc and would strill love me in 10 yrs time....AND the letter I wrote him 8 weeks ago which he has written on the back
"I wish I had read this before today - sorry"

thats how much he thought of me - couldnt even be bothered to read my thoughts

I just want to curl up & die
I know you all say things will get better and admitedly they cant get worse but the only thing keeping me going is my 2 adorable children...who incidently dont seem to have noticed or bve bothered by lack of daddy - guess they are already used to a one parent famliy & I hadnt really noticed

OP posts:
sykes · 05/11/2005 16:01

Mrs M, I've been in this position and so understand how absolutely awful it is. Please get as much support as possible and try to keep busy. One day he will so regret what he's done. What are your plans for the rest of the w/end. Can a friend come to stay/you go to a friend?

expatinscotland · 05/11/2005 16:02

Please hang in there, Mrs M! Have you got any friends you can ring just now? Maybe someone just to come round for a cuppa?

I'm really sorry he turned out to be such a t*&t.

But you need time away to sort out how YOU feel and what YOU need to do.

As for him, if he really felt there was something worth saving, then he'd have understood you needed space and time.

What matters is YOU and your kids just now.

Sending you vibes of strength.

soapbox · 05/11/2005 16:20

Mrs M - it gives me no pleasure at all, to have been proved right about your husbands affair.

I'm so very sorry that your trust in him has been betrayed once again.

I know that at the moment you will feel like your insides are being wrenched out, but this will improve with time, I promise you

It may be hard to believe but at some point in the future you will find space in your life for someone else who is worthy of your love and will not betray you as this man has.

In teh meantime, chin up - you have every reason to be proud of yourself

sunchowder · 05/11/2005 16:21

MrsM, I have been following this, and I also wanted to send you support to get through these next few days, weeks and months. Please don't withdraw from friends if you can help it. This doesn't mean that you have to talk about the way you feel in any kind of obsessive manner, it just means that they can be there for diversion, support and kindness and hopefully to show you that you can remain somewhat in balance during the transition. There is no way that you can not be grieving and devasted and allowing yourself to feel that wayit is all a just a part of this. Try as you can to know that this pain will not last forever in this intensity, and try to be kind to yourself. It is horrible to go through this, I have myself and ended my first marriage because of infidelity. So many of us have stood where you are todaytry to take some comfort in that. As for the future, you know in your own heart if you would like to try to make it work with him, or move forward without him--no one can make that choice for you as you well know. I am so glad that you can take comfort from your children. Sending you healing thoughts. XO Sunny

maturer · 05/11/2005 17:34

MrsM
You are strong and have been in the face of lies and deceipt and betrayal. You can surviveas a single parent family if that is the final outcome. My dh left us- just for 1 night- he didn't go to her he went to a motel and came crawling back the next day asking us all to forgive him. He still however went on (so i ater learned) to keep in contact with her for a few months. The sexual relationship was over but he still met her and looked after her. I learned a few months later- that was the most devastating thing because I had proof(copies of emails they'd sent) to show that at a time when I thouight we were fixing it and he was promising me all was over etc - he was still being a cheating B one email was even on our wedding anniversary only an hour after he'd had lunch with me!
men- they can become completely self absorbed / close theoe eyes to the obvious. The only thing that saved us at the time was that there had , by the time i found out been several mionths where he'd cut off all contact, been to counselling, got his head in order and was trying like mad to put it all right again. I did however take a week to decide(this time last year) if I still wanted to go on- I concluded I did, but that i knew by then I could live without him but I cjose not to- I was in control by then and he waited for me to decide what we'd do.
The thing is it took him ages to get his head around why I was still so devistated by the fact he was still seeing her- he kept saying I'm not sleeping with her we are just friends!!!!!!!!!!!He couldn't see the betrayal the wedge between us by her presence in our lives.

A year on she's out of our lives and we are doing great. MrsM sometimes it has to get worse before it gets better. whatever the outcome for you- YOU are now in control of your life and he will have to wait for your decisions. Take your time, find your strengths- look out for yourself ( the children will be fine if you are fine)
We all support you through this awful time- at least now- no more lies!

LadySherlockofLGJ · 05/11/2005 17:37

My God Maturer was that a year ago.??

maturer · 05/11/2005 17:56

yep- hard to believe.
yet sometimes- not very often noe- it seems like just yesterday for the pain. most of the time it's starting to feel like another life!
Time does help and heal- but only if dh does the right thing!

Disbelief · 05/11/2005 18:10

Oh Mrsm,

Just read your thread, I really feel for you, I have cat you seperatly.

Maturer - its been four months since I found out and I can totally relate to what you say sometimes it feels like its another person in another world and then other times I think of something or get a reminder and I feel the pain as much as i did then. One good thing is that it does not occupy my mind every minute of every day now although i do think of it twenty times a day!

tigermoth · 05/11/2005 18:24

mrs miggins, things have moved so fast since you started this thread, it must hurt like hell.

I am so sorry your worst fears were right, but who's got the better deal? there's your dh in room in a holiday inn with the prospect of living with an unknown elderly couple who probably disapprove like mad - and you, with your lovely children in your own home, with good friends and family nearby? I know it doesn't make things better, but you've got a much more secure and loving future than he has.
xx

bosscat · 05/11/2005 18:30

MrsM, when it feels really bad as it will in the next few days try and remember that the biggest kick in the balls to him will be if you do not fall apart. You do not call him and beg him to come back and you do not say you can't live without him. You should hold your head up high, get on with your day to day life and really work on taking care of yourself so that you can get through the immediate future without falling apart. He will be devastated to see you getting on with your life without him. If you ever did end up getting back together he will always know in the back of his mind that he can't treat you like this because you can survive without him. And you will know that too. That puts you in the best position for whatever the next few months bring. Take care.