DH having meal & drink with ex mistress

[MrsMiggins]

Just shouting at MN cos need to vent my anger & despair....
DH away in hotel overnight (works 2 1/2 hrs from home)
ex-mistress also works for same company and is staying in same hotel tonight

He at least now tells me when she is staying too so at least hes finally being honest BUT how would you feel?

I told him that really he shoudl say to her "I dont want to socialise with you cos it distresses my wife & she is the most important person to me not you."
However, if he upsets her she may make things awkward at work, and we (he) has decided that he staying at work.

am having counselling and have already realised I have very low self esteem AND that unfortunatley my brother & SIL contribute to this which is prob why I havent told them about DH

families
cant choose them

Message withdrawn

K, so that means you're done talking for now. Perhaps, in a while, after some counselling and time apart, you can talk again.

But for now, he needs to find another place to live so you can have some space.

And don't believe any threats he makes you about the house, the kids, etc. B/c he has admitted adultery. You can apply to divorce him on the grounds of adultery or for legal separation on the basis of his adultery.

This puts him at a REAL disadvantage.

He'll also need to pay maintenance.

Ah MrsM - exactly the question I asked my counsellor just after exH announced his affair!

Why me - I bleated!

Why not you -she countered!

This happens to millions of women every year, why would you think that it should not happen to you?

Your pain isn;t unique, people have travelled this road and turned the corner, many millions of times before. Its just part of lives rich patters

p.,s I hide low self esteem v welll
people in RL think I am extrovert, gragarious etc

learnt to put things in a box I guess

Message withdrawn

If it can happen to someone as rich, famous, and beautiful as Jennifer Aniston - in front of the world's cameras - and she can survive it, so can you.

you know he slagged off MN recently and said it was making me miserable BUT i have to say in the last 8 weeks since I found out, its the only place I feel I can express myself and know people will try to answer truthfuly and constructively

i appreciate it even though it may sometimes look as though I take no notice

Oh, so MN was making you miserable and not his continued lack of acknowledgement or responsiblity for his affair, or his continued disrespect for your feelings. Classic manipulative, emotionally abusive git.

Hi mrs M

o.m.g I can't belive this.If talking about this or asking him the same question helps you to move on then he needs to accept that if he cares.Please go to relate it really helps heaps.Been today and it has been 4 months for me and my dh is being so supportive.I still feel anger and hurt.I said to her i feel i am not moving forward as quick as i want too and she seemed to think it was still early days.
It has been less time for you.It is a major tramur and as with any tramur you have move on and still have flashbacks.I still think about it every morning and it is to be expected and hopefully this will fade.
Really think he needs to leave his job because how can you move on.Mine was the woman next door and i feel better that i don't have to see her.She is out of my face.His mistress x is still in yours.
sorry to ramble

It has been less time for you

It really isn't your fault, you know. You shouldn't blame yourself, you found out what was going on, gave him a second chance and he just carries on, the only difference being that because you now know about the affair, he tells more lies and whenever possible twists everything to make you feel as if you are to blame.

However hard it is you need to live apart from him for a while, at least you will be able to get a better perspective on things ( I think)

Even if they know you are innocent, his family will probably blame you in some way, what they think should be the last of your worries at the moment.

I truely believe that a bit of distance between you and dh, might help you to see things more logically

It sounds terrible and i really feel for you.

"he said tonight he doesnt think I can get over it"

ooh what a horrible, horrible man. He has the affair, he carries on seeing the woman, he carries on staying overnight with her, but its your fault because you can't get over it. Oh puuurrleeaaseee.

PLease Mrs M don't put up with this bullying domineering beahviour any longer.I don't think it really matters what you do, but please try and get angry, rather than upset (or both- but get that anger in here). I like the idea of being calm and collected all weekend, then changing locks etc on Monday so he returns to a locked house and his clothes in binbags outside. Would be best if you could get someone to be there with you (or go and stay somewhere so its just an empty locked house he can't get into). Maybe then he'll understand that he needs to do some work if he wants to save his marriage. Until you get him to understand that you can't save your marriage because he's not even acknowledging your opinion.

MrsMiggins, I have had to face the fact that my h (who I thought the most wonderful man alive) has been lying to me for at least a year. It hurts like hell. (As far as I know there isn't anyone else but I realsie I don't know the man he has become so I son't take his word for it). I am so heartbroken and at the same time angry but do you know I am also angry with myself because I colluded in his lies. Although he has been saying all the right stuff to me his actions haven't matched but I heard and saw what I wanted to hear and see... Several times I thought about endign the relationship and I think in retrospect I should have done (although I did give him ultimatums) if I'd ended it I would still have had a broken heart but at least I would feel in control. I understand why you are not taking control but in my experience it is probably, sadly, what you need to do. I am so sorry he is puttign you and your children through this. x

MM really feeling for you, in eight weeks nothing seems to have changed. He still denies you of your feelings, he can't see his actions are hurting you. Maybe he thinks it's impossible to find another job but nothing is impossible.

I never thought this could happen to us either but it did and as a result our lives have completely changed - he lost his job, i will loose mine in feb and when i do we are then homeless and carless, but nothing is impossible. If my dh can find another job then so can yours there is no excuse.

Maybe you need some space now and say you will review in the new year. As for christmas for this year at least, how would you feel if he came to yours early did all the present opening together so neither of you missed out and then you could go to your parents for dinner so you not on your own and he can sort himself out.

Only a suggestion but just trying to make it easier for you and by next year you will be stronger and more able to say what you want.

Have CAT you again as i don't think you got my last one.

went downstairs last night after posting here - he jumped out of his skin - I grabbed the cushion from behind him & there was his mobile - checked it & he had just phoned her

ended up hitting & screaming at him
then threw his phone out the front door & when he went outside to look fo rit, I locked him out.
then I phoned her
she said shed been waiting for the call

anyway I eventually let him back in and went back upstairs....came back down 5 mins later and he was using his Blueberry to phone her

screamed at him again & then phoned my parents
they came round but told me not to leave
dad was v calm
eventually they left

i went to bed
he slept on sofa

been up now sine 7pm with kids - hes gone to bed

feel so sick
waiting for him to get up & then leave

think that HES the one whos not tried

I appear calm but am broken inside - holding it together so kids arent upset

What did she say ???

Bloody hell what a mess,

I am sorry to be harsh Mrs M, but are you going to wait until you are sleeping on the couch and she is upstairs in the marital bed before you take action. ??

mrsmiggings i am so sorry... if this is about to mean someone leaving the house DO NOT let it be you. This is your home and things will get very complicated for you and the children if you leave the house. If it comes to it HE must leave.

And you are right it is HE who has not tried.

I know you won't believe it but this is not your fault. It is his. x

mrsm am sorry to hear this
agree with other posters

also until you stand up for what you want
you will get nowhere and still be walked all over

good luck in whatever you decide
hugs
xxx

MRSM
so sorry - as you know i believe in doing all that's possible to keep a good relationship going BUT he's taking the P** now. Do NOT leave the marital home make him he has done wrong not you he needs a huge wake up call. I think I too agree now is the time. Change the locks when he's out, put his bags on the drive!
This cannot go on - you will make yourself so ill honey .Thinking of you.

I echo the sentiments of the other posters. HE should be the one to leave.

Phoning her was more important than your feelings.

No one needs to tell you what that signifies.

I'm sorry, but you don't deserve this.

I'd throw him out the second he gets up.

Message withdrawn

Throw his clothes out the window. Put notices up on all nearby trees about what a twunt he's being. Tell everyone.

Seriously, you cannot keep putting up with this. You either have to kick him out, or let her move in - which will it be?

I know it is hard for you to hear but this is an affair not just someone he has to see for work reasons Let him go you are worth more Your children will suffer in the long run seeing you in so much distress Take all the support you can get from friends and family and ask him to leave.

hes left

took long enough - he spent 2 hrs crying but obviously not enough to stay....and hes gone to her house even though she lives with her parents - she left her husband 6 mths ago.

that about says it all

kids are at my parents and I have just popped back to make sure he didnt take the computer ....to find hes gone....taken suitcase full of clothes

need to get myself together again & go back to kids....

at least kids wont notice durng week as they never see him anyway and to be honest, they dont seem that bothered now

am absolutely gutted

Now go and tell everyone you know what he has done to you. He deserves it.