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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH having meal & drink with ex mistress

294 replies

MrsMiggins · 24/10/2005 21:27

Just shouting at MN cos need to vent my anger & despair....
DH away in hotel overnight (works 2 1/2 hrs from home)
ex-mistress also works for same company and is staying in same hotel tonight

He at least now tells me when she is staying too so at least hes finally being honest BUT how would you feel?

I told him that really he shoudl say to her "I dont want to socialise with you cos it distresses my wife & she is the most important person to me not you."
However, if he upsets her she may make things awkward at work, and we (he) has decided that he staying at work.

OP posts:
winnie · 06/11/2005 18:34

That's the spirit MrsM!
Although it doesn't stop you loving them does it?

soapbox · 06/11/2005 18:34

Mrs M - I think you can expect the next few weeks to be a bit of a roller coaster emotions wise. It is probably wise to avoid making any decisions about your future until your feeling settle down.

For the time being think of him as a habit that you need to break. It sounds like you are well on the way - just think of us all here as your 'nicotine patch'

Original poster
MrsMiggins · 06/11/2005 18:35

thank you
I feel proud of myself

everyone has told me that I am a v strong person and that I can do this

think I just needed the push to ask him to leave and him phoning her Friday night was just that

Im not stupid - I know I have a long way to go but I do feel remarkably calm and I know that although I dont know any of you, you are all sensible women who have said it how it is and probably given me the strength to stand up for myself

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 06/11/2005 18:38

He just astonishing a lot of us with his behaviour. Honestly, he takes the biscuit for Arsehole of the Year award.

He needed time to think and that's why he left, but now he's doing his thinking w/her there. How unbelievably pathetic.

Original poster
MrsMiggins · 06/11/2005 18:49

clearly he didnt need time to think but isnt man enough to tell either of us its the end

I now wonder whether he has somehow managed to keep her dangling without having sex since I found out so that he has not been unfaithful in his eyes
emotional unfaithfulness is far worse than sex

his loss not mine
unfortauntely will be the kids loss too as eithjer they will ahve to spend every other Friday in a long car journey or he will be a once-in-a-blue moon dad

my brother has been amazingly calm in all this and I have perhaps misjudged him

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 06/11/2005 18:52

TBH, and I'm sorry if this is painful, but I think he never stopped sleeping with her.

It's a moot point at any rate, he betrayed you and his kids either way.

laligo · 06/11/2005 19:21

mrs m, i haven't posted to you before but - just wanted to join the crowds cheering for you!
so. so, sooooo many women this happens to are of course devastated at first but a l;ittle while down the line, there they are stronger and happier than ever, no longer having to live with someone who disrespects them and undermines them. i was thinking of jennifer aniston too when i saw someone had mentioned her.

of course your h is prevaricating, inconsistent and edgy - he has just thrown everything away for someone he probably doesn't even love when he's faced with the reality. he was only in a strong position while you ler him have you plus his bit on the side. now he's got nothing but the bit and it'll be a rude awakening.

as for your ds, i would give him lots of care and attention, get other family members to spend time with him (esp men, show him men can be there for him) and reassure him you and h still love him. he will be ok, so will you.

Mhamai · 06/11/2005 19:41

Mrs M I have been following your thread but havent posted till now as I'm over on the It's over thread and have been going through my own break up crap, I just want to say a big thank you to You, Winnie and countless others that I can't think of off hand, that have shown me, that in the end we are strong women who deserve a lot better and that hopefully we will come through this stronger and role models, especially for our sons, [I have a ds4] because they are after all the men of tomorrow! Big up to you Mrs M!

longwaytogo · 06/11/2005 20:41

MM This is unreal. Where is his brain? obviously not where it should be. Thinking of you and sending you massive hugs. You are so strong. Well done, keep concentrating on your kids.

rickman · 06/11/2005 20:55

Message withdrawn

mumbojumbo · 06/11/2005 21:34

MrsM

Just to add my support. You are doing so well. Keep focussed on yourself and your kids. You will get through this somehow and be stronger for it.

Good luck and keep posting, there are lots of m'netters who can help you and support you thru.

mj

MarsLady · 06/11/2005 21:51

It's the start of YOUR new beginning MrsM.

Well done for the strength that has sustained you till now and for the courage to throw the arsewipe out!

Yes you still love him, you wouldn't have put up with his crap for this long if you didn't. However, no matter what I or anyone else thinks of him and his nonsense, this time is about YOU!

Time to redefine yourself, build your self esteem and know that you are a strong woman who deserves the best. Right now it's NOT him.

Your children will do fine! When you accept that you are strong, they will see that you are strong.

I'm signing up to be part of your cheer squad. As as already been said:

You go Girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

winnie · 07/11/2005 13:41

MrsMiggins, I am thinking of you, how are you doing today?

moondog · 07/11/2005 13:54

Caught up with this after a few days away.

What a selfish stupid wanker!!!

I for one am glad he's gone-this bloke is doing nothing but causing you pain.

Weak,selfish,childish and self-indulgent.
Doesn't look so attractive written down does it????

As for not reading your letter....speaks bloody volumes.

I am visualising all us MNers giving Mr M a big collective boot up the arse!!!!

Idiot!!

Pagan · 07/11/2005 14:13

Just wanted to add my cheers MrsM! You're a great person and will be stronger every day.

time we had a hug emoticon on here !!!

beansprout · 07/11/2005 14:14

How's the haircut?!

Hope you are ok today.

SoupDragon · 07/11/2005 14:15

Not that I do hugs but does o--o look like a hug?

beansprout · 07/11/2005 14:18

Fab SD! Looks like s/he is wearing mittens which makes it even cuter!!

Merlot · 07/11/2005 14:30

Sorry, not had a chance to read all previous comments. One thing, did strike me, hugely though - I couldnt have him working at the same place as her. Sorry, but for me, he would HAVE to change jobs - she's his senior team leader. Well they have obviously are still continuing to have a close professional relationship...and I just wouldnt be able to live with the continuing doubt that it might tip over into an unprofessional relationship. Sorry....as far as I'm concerned it would be ... leave job and NEVER see her again...OR ELSE!!

Hugs x

moondog · 07/11/2005 14:31

Merlot..she's since found out that they are (unsurprisingly) still at it....

Merlot · 07/11/2005 14:33

Sorry Mrs M - that will teach me to read from oldest post up!

Just caught up on the rest of the thread and wanted to add my support and congratulations for your brave and courageous actions - well done you!

Original poster
MrsMiggins · 07/11/2005 18:21

Went to CAB - some good advice but not much
Had my haircut - my parents are stars - they had 4 children under 4 for 3 hrs - my dad just said "get it cut"

its very very short & spikey and DH will hate it
Met some friends this pm in local play barn and everyone said how good it looks
Im not so sure but its a statement isnt it

felt terrible today - had row with my parents as they are trying to push me into making decisions - I know they're only worried

had a good cry at the play barn while DS enjoyed running around with his friends

had to force myself out the house as just wanted to go to bed

anyway DH hasnt rung even though promised hed ring to speak to DS - who doesnt seem bothered but Im angry that already hes broken his promuse to DS - he knows our routine & knows its now bathtime so DS cant answer phone

am painting the kitchen tonight - have already masked up & chosen the paint
that way if I need to sell the house, its one less thing to do AND will keep me occupied tonight

DH still hasnt spoken to his parents or my brother so still hiding

off to bath kids

thanks for your ongoing support and especially those who havent given up even though you must have been shouting at me for being so stupid for so long

OP posts:
Blu · 07/11/2005 18:26

Blimey, MM, that's a lot of achievements in one day! I'm really impressed!

LadySherlockofLGJ · 07/11/2005 18:28

You are welcome that is what is great about MN, the support you get.

You have to arrive at these decisions in your own time, and all we can do is "talk" to you and help you see what is what, so to speak. RL decisions have to be taken in RL IYKWIM.

Stay strong.

winnie · 07/11/2005 18:28

mrsmiggins good for you re getting out of the house, gettign your hair cut, going to cab, seeing your friends.

I am sorry that he hasn't phoned your ds it is so unfair and you are left ahving to deal with the fallout.

I think i am inspired by your get up and go (and as I am moving house in 3 weeks I need to start moving my arse!)

Take care, winnie