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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH having meal & drink with ex mistress

294 replies

MrsMiggins · 24/10/2005 21:27

Just shouting at MN cos need to vent my anger & despair....
DH away in hotel overnight (works 2 1/2 hrs from home)
ex-mistress also works for same company and is staying in same hotel tonight

He at least now tells me when she is staying too so at least hes finally being honest BUT how would you feel?

I told him that really he shoudl say to her "I dont want to socialise with you cos it distresses my wife & she is the most important person to me not you."
However, if he upsets her she may make things awkward at work, and we (he) has decided that he staying at work.

OP posts:
KiwiKate · 25/10/2005 12:54

hugs MrsM
If it was me (God fobid) it would be an absolute drop-dead deal-breaker if he ever saw her again (work or no work) - but that is just me.
Agree with other posters - don't sell yourself short.

Sorry that you are in such a difficult situation!

prettyfly1 · 25/10/2005 13:10

um, i am sorry cause normally i will try and say something productive - but in this instance NO NO NO NO AND NO. he should be kissing the ground you walk on that you love and respect him enough to stay by his side and try again. in return he should be respecting you enough not to a. worry you by bringing this up and b. not even considering it and c. certainly not expecting you to be ok with it. No. dont take it. you deserve to be treated like a queen because in my book you have behaved like one and he should be made aware of that.hope he sorts himself out .xxxx

sykes · 25/10/2005 13:17

Mrs M, my h had an affair with someone he worked with and after he left me, came back he was still working with her - they eventually got together again and stayed together for a year. We're back together now but it was on my terms of him leaving work - fortunately he didn't have to, she did and living on his own for six months. I honestly think it is SO hard to make it work if they're working together. My and his gf were hardly ever in the same building, let alone in a team/in the same hotel etc but it still made everything so much harder. Good luck.

HuggyBear · 25/10/2005 13:43

so on your behalf!!

Hes got a bloody cheek!!

ggglimpopo · 25/10/2005 18:12

Message withdrawn

MarsLady · 25/10/2005 18:20

I'm with ggg all the way!

piglit · 26/10/2005 09:49

And me!

LadySherlockofLGJ · 26/10/2005 09:52

And me I am afraid.

uwila · 26/10/2005 10:46

Are you prepared to spend the rest of your life with a man who cares more about his career than his marriage?

I'm not trying to too harsh here, but really I think you need to ask yourself what you are prepared to accept and what you are not. This is of course no easy task. I think if it was me, I would tell him that he has a choice: our marriage or his job. After all, he is the one who screwed it up and you are the one who was gracious enough to forgive him. What exactly is he doing to make up for the pain he has caused? I'm sorry but it sounds like nothing to me.

uwila · 26/10/2005 10:57

Forgot to say, MrsMiggins, lovely screenname.

KiwiKate · 26/10/2005 12:36

Mrs M - how are things going?

I must agree with the other posters. Unless you make it clear that you will not put up with what dh is doing, then he has no reason to stop.

expatinscotland · 26/10/2005 12:36

Well put, uwila. I couldn't agree more.

Original poster
MrsMiggins · 26/10/2005 13:09

when he came home last night I was very angry with him and told him exactly what I thought.
He said he didnt think it would be a problem which is why he did it.
He says he deffo wont do it again now he knows I dont want him to.
I did say though that he has to try to see it from my point of view and that I dont want him to have ANY contact except in the office. Otherwise what will be the next thing? Kiss under the mistletoe at the Xmas party because I havent specifically told him not to do it.
"Im not going to the Xmas party" he said
At least he listened to that....

I KNOW What you're all saying BUT I just dont know what to do
I know if he leaves his job he will be miserable.

He did ask what he has to do to make things right and I said that him not staying away over night would be better....so he said we should put moving into action....except Im scared to move away from my job, friends & family and still find I cant get over this.

OP posts:
tribpot · 26/10/2005 13:14

"didn't think it would be a problem" - jeez. I assume you asked him how he would feel if you had had an affair and then continued to have any unnecessary contact with the person. OF COURSE he should have found a reason to avoid it.

For what it's worth, I don't think you should move away from your support network whilst things are so rocky. My gut feeling is: "so he'll be miserable if he leaves his job, so freakin' what?". I mean, there are other jobs, let's face it. And it's ONLY job, not a marriage or a family or something really important. And he didn't care enough about whether you would be miserable to avoid shagging a co-worker, after all.

MarsLady · 26/10/2005 13:27

DON'T move away from your support network.

So what if he's miserable if he changes his job. Did he think that the result of his betrayal would be perfect happiness for himself? Our actions have consequences.

I think that you need to think about what's best for YOU.

expatinscotland · 26/10/2005 13:27

Amen, tribpot!

He didn't think it'd be a problem? C'mon, is anyone REALLY that obtuse?

He sounds very manipulative. 'Oh, I have to change jobs, and therefore that's a hardship on me, therefore I'll make it to we have to move and then she's away from all her support network and miserable too.'

He can commute.

FWIW, if I were you, my first port of call would be Relate, so I could get some counselling to get back my self-esteem and then be in a better position to make a decision that suits ME, too.

Original poster
MrsMiggins · 26/10/2005 13:28

I did ask him how he would feel if it was the other way round & he said he wouldnt like it.
He is just being selfish - doesnt want to sit alone in hotel so thinks ok to meet up with HER so long as they eat in hotel bar & only discuss work....

I dont have much family support in that they are all very judgemental and bossy so none of them know anything and they are not a reason to stay.
To be honest my job is the biggest reason as it gives me financial security & my collegues are lovely adult people who are being very supportive.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMiggins · 26/10/2005 13:30

I am seeing a counsellor already for PND & we are working on my self-esteem which as you can tell is at an all-time low.
He is manipulative and controlling but guess it hasnt mattered much before.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 26/10/2005 13:31

'To be honest my job is the biggest reason as it gives me financial security & my collegues are lovely adult people who are being very supportive.'

Then why should YOU have to give it up b/c HE duffed up by shagging a work colleague?

You said so yourself, he's being selfish. So don't allow him to be. Or get some counselling so you won't allow it.

It's making YOU miserable and stressed and you did nothing wrong.

expatinscotland · 26/10/2005 13:32

Until you work some more w/a counsellor then, I think it would be detrimental to your mental health to move away from your support network.

If that means him commuting, it should be a move he's willing to make.

Anything otherwise isn't just manipulative and controlling, it's also extremely cruel.

I can't imagine treating my spouse like that at all, even less so when I knew he was ill and vulnerable.

rickman · 26/10/2005 13:35

Message withdrawn

MassacreOHara · 26/10/2005 13:43

He sounds like a c*nt - sorry.

Leave him - you'll surprise yourself!

expatinscotland · 26/10/2005 13:46

Don't be, massacre, you're not alone in your sentiments.

MassacreOHara · 26/10/2005 13:47

forgot to add - you'll surprise him as well! he obviously doesn't take any threats you make seriously at the moment. If he does he doesn't care - in which case you should leave him anyway.

rickman · 26/10/2005 13:47

Message withdrawn