mrs m, i have been exactly where you are now. Nearly 2 years since my h left, after secret affair very similar to your story, although he didnt actually admit it had gone on until the day he left.
My kids are older than yours but he just left, never talked to them just packed a bag in front of them and left them sobbing after him. My kids knew her and up until that time had liked her. It was a truely horrific time. I remember my sister dragging me to the doctors and me telling him that i may as well be dead. I coulnt eat, sleep, or barely function. We had been married for 15 years. I too like you had had pnd after 2nd child. He used this to his advantage by saying he was fed up of it etc etc i was no fun and she was etc. He told me he was in love with her it nearly killed me.
Four days after he left, he was in 'our' pub with her introducing her to all his friends.
He drove round with her in his car past my kids school my son was so embarassed in front of his friends - this was 1 week after he had gone.
Two weeks after he left they moved in together, had a house warming and he actually invited my children. (they would not go)
Over the next few weeks the way he behaved was unreal, like a man i had never known. The cold,callous selfish way he was even now i find hard to believe.
Five months after he left me, he left her. She was devestated. Five months after that he fones me up saying he still loves me, biggest regret of his life, can we try again etc etc. We are still separated and i have been thinking about divorce as it is nearly 2 years.
All i can say to you is he WILL come to his senses in his own time. I wrote emotional letters sent texts but nothing worked. At the moment all he can see is his 'other' life but believe me reality will set in. The honeymoon phase will not last forever. One day it will hit him right in the pit of his stomach, this is what my husband said happened to him. He actually loathes this woman now. She became the very thing that he tried to get away from, an insecure, nagging and needy woman. My kids were a huge threat and she could not cope.
I however transformed into a strong, independant woman. I actually found myself again. Like yours my h had been controlling and i became me again.
I changed my hair, lost weight, took my kids abroad as a single parent, had a little fling with a younger man, got a job, started college, went away with my mates, rode a motorbike, threw a party, went clubbing, went hill climbing, camped, had a tattoo, flirted, and learned to love myself again. I hope you do too.
Your husband is a fool he just doesnt know it yet. Give it time and remember the grass is never greener, just a different shade......My h is living proof he is desparate to come back to me.
hugs xxxxxxxxx