DH having meal & drink with ex mistress

[MrsMiggins]

Just shouting at MN cos need to vent my anger & despair....
DH away in hotel overnight (works 2 1/2 hrs from home)
ex-mistress also works for same company and is staying in same hotel tonight

He at least now tells me when she is staying too so at least hes finally being honest BUT how would you feel?

I told him that really he shoudl say to her "I dont want to socialise with you cos it distresses my wife & she is the most important person to me not you."
However, if he upsets her she may make things awkward at work, and we (he) has decided that he staying at work.

Tell / ask him to tell her that he wants to watch a footy mathch on sky and wil therefore stay in his room .....

Or that he has to prepare for work tomorrow ....

Point is - if he wants an excuse I am sure he can make one - who gives a shit if she soesn't believe him ??

his ex-mistress in that he was being unfaithful to you with her?

if so then i would feel really weird, and upset, about it...
do you trust him?

mrs miggins
I would say exactly the same to my dh if I was in your position
and if I caught him socialising he would be a euneuch.

considering how recent it was I think you should tell him that you don't care WHAT reason he gives... he should NOT be eating with her or socialising with her in any way.

I couldn't stand it.
My dh had an affair and the only way I could stay with him was if he left the job. He's an actor so moves from job to job anyway, but it was a good job.
He left it (without my having to suggest it), so I took this as a measure of his committment to me and I stayed with him.

This was ten years ago but I know how much it hurts and you have my sympathy.

who am I kidding
just spoke to DH & tried to be ok with it but ended up saying "have you just had something to eat with HER"
Yes he said
I put the phone down & turned off my mobile
am in floods of tears

why cant he see how impossible it is for me?

Oh mrsmigs I'm so sorry.
It's good he's being honest because I suppose he needn't tell you about it, but you can't be expected to put up with that. You have to put your foot down.

Why does he have to stay in the same hotel?
Why does he have to continue to work with her?
Why does he accept her threats that she will make things awkward at work?

Why isn't he putting your feelings 1st?
Why are you putting up with it?

Sorry to ask such blunt questions but I've lived with this and I trusted and I was the mug who got shafted

I found out 8 weeks ago
he is just wanting his cake & eating it

you're right - he could have made up an excuse without it sounding like an excuse

And to make things worse, one of his male collegue's told him he should lety me give up work so that I dont have the added pressure of getting out th ehouse etc seeing as he cant help me...f#ck off to that too

am absolutely distraut

I DO trust him - believe me my gut instinct is good and I know he is being faithful now BUT it still hurts to think of them sitting chatting etc

neither of them deserve to still have a friendship - they gavbe that up when they embarked on an affair - I told him that earlier too....told him that soon I would give up caring but he still went ahead & had food with her tonight even though he did ring me as promised.
Not bothered ringing me now has he

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galaxy
Why does he have to stay in the same hotel?
Corporate rate
Why does he have to continue to work with her?
likes his job and she is his senior teamleader
Why does he accept her threats that she will
make things awkward at work?
she hasnt made threats but he reckons noone knows they had an affair so trying to keep her sweet so she doesnt spoil things for himself

Why isn't he putting your feelings 1st?
he has so far manipulated the situation
Why are you putting up with it?
I dont know

Corporate rates apply to a range of hotels.
She's his team leader - she's got more to lose than he has.

I forgave my ex-b/friend and listened to his lies and I was being played for a fool. I don't know you and I don't know your husband. I thought Iknew my bf but I didn't. He's now married to his bit of stuff.

He may like his job but is that the most important thing to him. Surely your happiness is paramount? Are jobs scarce in your area? Tell him to start demonstrating that he cares rather than using words.

He's in an intolerable situation at work by the sound of it. Also at home.
He's putting you in an intolerable situation. He needs a big gesture to prove his committment to you.

I would want to ... erm ... 'talk' to the woman involved. In fact when I was in you situation I did make, er, make contact with her.

Message withdrawn

I would start looking for new jobs for him and tell him that you want him to start applying as a mark of his commitment !

It is intolerable for you to know they are still around each other - he should have more respect !

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Agree with ggg. In my experience men can be totaly selfish. Mt X husb moved his mistress into our home (I was told she was a work colleague fallen on hard times) when I was 8 months pg. A few months later when he left me and DD (I still never guessed she was mistress) he told me that he moved her in as he couldn't make up his mind between me and her. In my opinion being a single parent is a lot easier than living with someone who you don't respect and you suspect doesn't respect you or your kids.

I'm w/LasVegas and ggg. You have to respect yourself before you can expect others to respect you.

Bloody hell LV- you are definitely better off without him!

oh mrsmiggins, once again i tell you - you are a much better person than me! i would have screamed the wall down if my dh dare even tried this. i am angry at your dh as it is. men! they are just so bloody thick! they screw up and still expect their lives to carry on as if nothing has happened. our lives are destroyed, our hearts are chopped in halves over these big "durs" that just dont get it!!!!!!!!!!! keep strong sweetheart! xxxx

OMG MrsMiggins, sorry but I would never put up with that. I'd rather be single! do you believe there is nothing going on?

How much does it matter if something is going on (or not) when either way it is causing you MAJOR grief, stress, anxiety, etc.?

It doesn't take a genius to figure out that going out socially AT ALL w/your ex-mistress/bf after your spouse/partner has taken you back is hurtful.

MrsM - I really feel for you. I went through something vaguely similar a few years ago with my xp. Personally I think he used to enjoy the fact that I knew he saw her at work every day - he was almost taunting me with it as if he wanted to keep me on my toes. At the back of mind I always thought that if I annoyed him/didn't do things his way he'd get back with her. It really really f*cked with my head.

Sorry to be so blunt but what do you think your dh and his ex-mistress talked about over dinner? You? Nope. How much he regrets his affair? Nope.

I appreciate I don't know any of the people involved and that I am tarring your dh with the same brush as my xp but my concern would be that he is enjoying spending time with her flirting and chatting about old times whilst convincing himself that he needn't feel guilty because you know he's with her.

You have to sort this out once and for all. For me, I snapped one day and kicked xp out. Please don't let this mess with your head the same way it did with mine.

I agree with you all

Expat - you're right - even if nothing is going on, he must realise how distraught I feel knowing they are eating dinner together "it was only a burger in the bar of the hotel" was his reply. "So f#cking what" I said last night.

I am not stupid or weak but I can see I must look like this.
The thing is that when DH is home, he is attentive & affectionate like he used to be and if I dont mention the affair, things have never been better because we are trying to have fun etc

however I just dont know that I can deal with the fact they work together or indeed that they stay away in same hotel

I dont think he is still being unfaithful - regardless of how it sounds, he is a very honest man and so while this was going on, he was absolutely distant & cold cos the guilt was obviously eating him up.....

'he is a very honest man and so while this was going on, he was absolutely distant & cold cos the guilt was obviously eating him up..... '

You know what, hun? When honest, mature people are having THAT much trouble in a relationship that they're even considering an affair, they show some respect for their partner (and themselves) and address the issues that are making them feel that way instead of being unfaithful.

Been there, bought the tshirt!

How about having some honour for YOUR own feelings. You acknowledge that his going out w/her socially and working w/her bothers you. So does he, but he doesn't seem to care.

So care about yourself if he won't.

You're not stupid. But the ol' chesnut 'he/she would be great if he/she didn't cheat, drink too much, insert selfish action du jour' is selling yourself short. VERY short. It's also selling your kids short. Who needs to grow up w/the example of dad or mum setting aside their own, natural human feelings for someone who seems to not really give much of a farthing?