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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH having meal & drink with ex mistress

294 replies

MrsMiggins · 24/10/2005 21:27

Just shouting at MN cos need to vent my anger & despair....
DH away in hotel overnight (works 2 1/2 hrs from home)
ex-mistress also works for same company and is staying in same hotel tonight

He at least now tells me when she is staying too so at least hes finally being honest BUT how would you feel?

I told him that really he shoudl say to her "I dont want to socialise with you cos it distresses my wife & she is the most important person to me not you."
However, if he upsets her she may make things awkward at work, and we (he) has decided that he staying at work.

OP posts:
MassacreOHara · 28/10/2005 08:34

Well done you! bet you scared the pants off him and it sounds like it made you feel at least a little bit better to. Your posts have started to sound much more positive/strong than before.

I really hope it works out the way you want it to x

busybusybee · 28/10/2005 08:56

Well done Mrs Miggins - I really hope things work out for you
I had a terrible shock the other day - discovered dh had a "friend".
Thankfully we are talking and things seem so much better now. Both talking and trying to work at things.
XXX to you

eefs · 28/10/2005 09:57

MM, I've thought you very strong for NOT kicking him out - it takes a lot of courage to be try and carry though this. I also think you needed to be restrained in your reactions for a while until you had found your way. I'd say you'll be stronger for this, you've let him react first, so to speak, and that puts you in a position of power that he doesn't have, that and you standing up to him now mean that he is going to be very unsure of himself for a while and will undoubtedly be more honest with you.

Best of luck to you, whatever happens.

maturer · 28/10/2005 10:41

MrsM,
We all new you were strong and I agree NOT kicking him outr, trying to face it together and work at it is a hard thing to do and takes great inner strength. However I think you are absolutely right now to take the tone you are taking. You have given him every chance with a "soft" approach (which worked in my case but took time) but your dh is giving nothing back. He caused the problem and as far as you say he's done nothing different to remedy it.
You cannot go on like you have been and I think you are totally right now to get tough and want what YOU want because even if it ended in him not being with you you would at least know you did all you could to save your marriage.
I found from my experience that deep down I was very strong and he was weak at the time. i got what i wanted in the end and I knew it was what he wanted too. He thanks me every day now for sticking with him and seeing it through.There was a point, like you where I thought I don't want to go on like this- secrets and uncertainty- it has to change- and about this time last year I took some time away and seriously thought about asking him to go. He had by then sbnapped out of it and was prepared to do anything to keep us together.
So honey it may be make or break but you cannot live in the limbo you've been in. Good Luck- keep strong and we are here to talk!

maturer · 28/10/2005 10:43

longwayto go
I do know who you are- hope time at Mums was good.
glad to hear dh got some work.
Will chat soon when you are back. take care.

SoupDragon · 28/10/2005 11:08

Well done MrsM Good luck too - hope this give him the kick up the ar$e he so desperately needs.

3cherubs · 28/10/2005 14:19

Good for you - but whatever you do, DON'T back down or go weak on him again. You MUST show that you are serious. In fact I would even go as far as to see a solicitor and find out your finantial situation if you split, he will get even more of a shock if he realises you are not just being emotional about it but practical as well!!

He needs to get the message that it is "all or nothing" and in fact if he is not prepared to give up his job for you, I would tell him to "sod off" Because otherwise it is impossible for the situation to change, you will always mistrust him while he is at work or away on business.
Good luck!

Bugsy2 · 28/10/2005 14:59

MrsM, I've been steering clear of this because of the endless parallels with my own marital demise.
However, I just wanted to say that if your H is controlling and manipulative don't expect him to take this new tough you lying down. He will try every trick in the book to make you back down again.
Be prepared for endless tack changing devices in arguments: such as when he can't think of anything positive to say "Well, I don't know if I want to be here if I'm going to have to listen to you give me a hard time/moan/lay down the law" etc etc. Argument immediately changes back to your behaviour again!
Under no circumstances give up your support network or job. They bring you pleasure and security.
Huge sympathy from me. I understand every agony you are going through.

Disbelief · 28/10/2005 17:23

MrsM, Good luck for the weekend, you are such a nice and rational person, I howpe you get the desired results this weekend, but you cannot go on like this, he has had plenty of time now to realise the damage he has done and is doing to you and his family. I am actually not that far from you so if you ever want to cat me please do.

Good luck and be strong.

moondog · 28/10/2005 17:28

I've been following the thread too.
Good for you MrsM!
It's time to take control. He actually has more to lose than you. Remember that.
XXX

Janmad · 28/10/2005 17:28

MrsM The only thing I can add to all the advice given is this, Controlling and Manipulative men can only control you if they weaken you and the weaker you become the stronger they become. Keep your friends and your job because if you give them up your lost, I sound dramatic but I know from experience. Plan evenings without him (even if you feel like crap) be vague about where you are going and let him feel insecure. But you will gather strengh when you see him floundering. Be strong

Original poster
MrsMiggins · 04/11/2005 22:35

whats the point?
I was strong last weekend & told him I couldnt put up with things....he opened up a little
felt sh@t all week and just had an argument

appratnely she is going to be staying same hotel Mon - just the 2 of them
moaning about not going out for meal together

he wont leave but tells me fed up with my attitude

dont want to split up but hw just doesnt see that his actions / attitude make me paranoid

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMiggins · 04/11/2005 22:40

and I told my dad that he had a meal with her last week and his reaction was very strong...which has helped me as he said to me that I have tried my hardest to make things work

just feel for my kids and me....didnt ask for any of this - yes OK I wasnt nicest person to live with but I had PND....not an exucse but a reason.....I feel v low....back to when I was first diagnosed......manage to put everything in a box for work so I dont cry but when I get home I am just distraught....hiding it from kids mostly

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 04/11/2005 22:41

Honestly, MrsM, you have two choices: either you put up w/his behaviour or walk the walk and throw him out. He's made that abundantly clear by continuing to fraternise with her and try to make you feel badly about your feelings concerning his behaviour.

So there you have it.

He's going away w/her on Monday. Regardless of what happens, if anything, he does not care how you feel about this.

So you can either go on like this b/c you don't want to split up, or pack his little bag, have the locks changed and see a solicitor on Monday whilst he's away to have him served with papers for legal separation or divorce on the grounds of adultery.

soapbox · 04/11/2005 22:44

MrsM - you ahve tried to save your marriage and your DH isn;t prepared to do the same.

I don't want to hurt you, but I would bet my bottom dollar that they are still having an affair. Everything points that way.

He is frustrated with you because he wanted his cake and to eat it, but you are being difficult.

I wouldn;t ask him to leave, I would tell him.

Black bags on the doorstep convey a very clear message!

You have tried and I do understand how much this all hurts - been there, done it etc etc

You will get over this, you really will - but not while you think there might be a chance of rekindling your relationship with your arseh.

It may well be that after a period of reflection for both of you, it might be possible to get back together again (sykes on here did that), but to achieve that he has to completely give her up and at the moment I think he is a long way away from making that break!

My heart breaks for you as I know how much this all hurts, but don't make the pain worse, start taking the right steps for yourself and try to rebuild a life that you can be proud of rather than this tawdry, sullied life that your arseh has flung you into!

Original poster
MrsMiggins · 04/11/2005 22:45

expat I appreciate you posting - have read your previouas posts and have takne in everything people have said....but I really do love him.
I hurt so much
he is trying - he said tonight he doesnt think I can get over it and to be fair, he said if it was the other way round, he defiinetly wouldnt get over it....so why doesnt he appreciate that Im at least trying ???

it does feel like he doesnt care enough....but Im not having him being a "every other weekend father"....I feel so guilty for even thinking about spliting up the family - waht will I say to my children (well DS is 3 1/2, DD is only 17 mths and prob wont notice)

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMiggins · 04/11/2005 22:46

i am in tears as I just dont want him to leave but I am so miserable

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 04/11/2005 22:47

Much better written than I could have, soapbox.

Spot on!

He does NOT care about your marriage. This is what he is telling you, w/o saying a word, by continuing to maintain close contact w/her.

And he uses your 'nagging' as an excuse to completely disrespect you and the family you have together.

Mum2OneAndBump · 04/11/2005 22:48

I am sorry your having such a bad time MrsM

By reading your last posts i just don't think he is even trying to make you feel better. I am sorry to have to say this is well but i do not believe he has ended his little "relationship" with his mistress i think he is carrying on. I know that if this was my partner and i was telling him how i was feeling he would have felt so strongly about losing his family he would have left his job by now.

By saying what he is saying to you and still carrying on staying in same hotel and having dinner with this women just shows he does not care enough.

You really need to be strong and stand up to him show him you will not put up with this behaviour and you will not be walked over and you WILL do something about it, i am sorry but to be honest until you show him and make him start to worry, by the sounds of things he will just carry on and on. He is having his cake and eating it here and only you can stop this. I would be telling him to pack his bags and get out of my life, in fact i would have done this way back, he is getting away with far to much.

I know its hard when you love someone and you dont want to lose them but by letting him treat you like this is making him have even less respect for you and thinking he can do what he likes when he likes.

I hope you can sort this out i feel for you i really do.

soapbox · 04/11/2005 22:48

Mrs M

You deserve more than this - you really do. You are in a very miserable place right now but things can get better!

Original poster
MrsMiggins · 04/11/2005 22:49

why has it come to this?
am I such a bad person to be around?
I try really hard to be a good mother/wife/friend and just feel I have failed completely

this i sjust not hte person I married

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 04/11/2005 22:49

Don't want him to leave? Then stay w/him and be miserable. Harsh of me to say? Yes, but far less harsh than how he is treating you.

As a mum, it would break my heart if my daughter's spouse abused her like this and she kept on, getting more and more miserable.

expatinscotland · 04/11/2005 22:50

You married a twunt. You're not alone. A lot of us have been involved with people like this.

And we survived their affairs, their abuse, their drinking, etc.

expatinscotland · 04/11/2005 22:51

You can, too.

You only think you're a bad person now b/c he's led you to believe that. But throw the cad out, get into counselling, live on your own for a while, and you'll soon realise how patently untrue that is.

Mum2OneAndBump · 04/11/2005 22:53

Can you honestly say in your heart of hearts that this is his "EX" mistress???