DH having meal & drink with ex mistress

[MrsMiggins]

Just shouting at MN cos need to vent my anger & despair....
DH away in hotel overnight (works 2 1/2 hrs from home)
ex-mistress also works for same company and is staying in same hotel tonight

He at least now tells me when she is staying too so at least hes finally being honest BUT how would you feel?

I told him that really he shoudl say to her "I dont want to socialise with you cos it distresses my wife & she is the most important person to me not you."
However, if he upsets her she may make things awkward at work, and we (he) has decided that he staying at work.

I think I'm with most of the posters here. He is not committed to making your marriage work if he is prepared to do something which he knows causes you such grief and trauma. Also, he can carry on seeing this other woman (whether platonically or not) knowing that he doesn't have to be secretive as you know about it all. He may just be having a meal and a drink with her now, but, if she puts pressure on him to go further, the temptation will be there because it's all out in the open.

When faced with the possible breakdown of a marriage and the loss of a family, any genuinely remorseful person would be going out of their way (and then some) to ensure that the mistreated party had no reason whatsoever to distrust them. Your dh is just not doing this and I think you have to accept that he is not so keen on making this marriage work as you are.

SO... PND? Does this mean you have young child(ren)? Tell me he didn't do this when you were pregnant or had just had a baby.

She has a three month old baby, uwila.

BASTARD

Sorry, MrsMiggins, couldn't hold back any more.

hmmm...so 'he didn't think there would be a problem' Time to call his bluff, I think.

How about saying 'it's so good you feel all that affair rubbish is in the past and we have all moved on. This woman, she must be a really super person for you to be so friendly with her so I'd like to meet her sometime, now that we can all be adults about it. I may drop by some lunchtime or perhaps meet up with you if you go to that hotel again for a meal, that would be nice, wouldn't it, after all there's no problem now is there....?

If you take this line, make sure you don't tie youself down to a definite meeting time, if your dh suggests one. See how he reacts to the idea of you dropping by with no notice. If he seems very uncomfortable with this idea, this is a danger sign. Ask him why!!

Like spidermama, I too was in a relationship where my partner was seeing another woman. I couldn't stand it and realised the only way to get at the truth, and feel I had some power again, was to meet her. It worked. However, that was a very different situation to yours. The other woman was not my husband's line manager. I have lots of sympathy for you, as this is a horrible complication.

I think you should come up with some concrete suggestions about how your husband must avoid this woman at work. And make sure he starts looking for another job nearby.

How about suggesting he goes to personnel and asks if there are any other hotels where he can get contract rates when he goes away? I am sure he can come up with a suitable reason why he does not want to be in the same hotel as some of his colleagues. And if he does stay somewhere different, you can ring to check - and ring the other hotel to check where this woman is staying. Still not absolutely watertight, but something at least.

Apart from anything else, any man with enough energy to be cheating when he has a brand new baby isn't working hard enough at home! I had also missed the fact you have a 3 month old, MrsM. I suspect this may account partly for your lack of the same anger that we are feeling - I would feel terrified and confused if my dh had been cheating in similar circs. (My ds is 4 months, and I can assure my dh wouldn't have enough energy to be cheating even if he weren't chronically ill - a few more night feeds for your dh should keep his gonads in check).

Definitely don't move from where you are. You need all the support you can get right now, dh or no dh.

MrsM you must do what feels right for you and take your time as whatever anyone says it has to be your decision and you have to feel it is the right one for you and your family. Even then as I know too well it will feel awful.

You seem clear that he is being manipulative underhand and unfair. I am sure that with some more time it will become clear what you have to do.Whatever choice you make I hope you are getting plenty of support. >

I'm not terribly rational but I'd go ballistic and demand he stayed in his room!

Message withdrawn

I just remembered, last year some friends of mine decided it would be fun to have an affair, even though she was married to one of his best mates. (As an aside, they actually went on holiday together with the full knowledge of the husband. When this was questioned he said "I trust [friend] completely, he's like a brother to me" Arrggghh. Anyway).

After she had been found out, and she and her dh were meant to be 'working things out' (which admittedly involved trying to avoid any proper discussions on both sides) she was still getting text messages from the other bloke. Dh found that out when, at a family wedding, someone handed him her phone cos she was upstairs getting changed. "She's just had a text message". It was from the lover. Sweet.

Anyway, he confronted her about that and she said "I didn't realise it was wrong to get messages from him" YEAH RIGHT. Of course she did. And she was still seeing the bloke.

I'm not suggesting your dh is still seeing this colleague, but he's still putting himself in temptation's way, and I'm not convinced that many of us would be able to resist that long term. Which again makes me question his commitment to rectifying his mistake and making a go of things with you.

MrsM- how you doing?
I can totally identify with how you feel. After my dh ended an affair with a work colleague (fortunately they never had to work together again)I could not stand the thought of him having any conract with her whatsoever. He- like your dh was an arrogant d*head about it for quite some time. He couldn't see the problem with meeting her for lunch or coffee "just friends"- adults they could handle it etc.. Like you, it was not truely that I thought he was still sleeping with her but the problem was that him seeing her sent outmessages of no committment, no feelings of being sorry for what he'd done. It put a huge barrier between us and any chance we had to start to rebuild trust again. He did finally realise just what he was doing and went out of his way then to avoid any contact with her. The other problem with what he did (just good friends thing) was that she got messages from him that he really did want to be with her but he couldn't because of his children (that's what she thought!)she turned out to be a bit of a "bunny boiler" and wouldn't take no for an answer. We had a few months of rediculous antics of her trying to contact him under different names, sending post to his new work turning up at work etc Eventually she got the message that he was no longer interested but not before we had to involve her dh and her parents to stop her contacting him. The point is he did not help me or indeed her by trying to keep some sort of relationship with her. It did a lot of damage to us all and only when he truely stopped all contact did we start to rebuild again as a couple.
For you it's so difficult as he does have to work with her but you are spot on he should not under any circumstances socialise with her. He has to pay back a bit for what he did and if that means being alone in a hotel or driving extra hours to be with you at night he should be doing it. It's the arrogance of men- they think they can have it all- show him he can't!

am still at work
DS is 3 1/2
DD is 16 mths
diagnosed with PND in May when DD was 11 mths old

Oh Mrs Miggins, I just want to add that you really do have my deepest sympathies. I am married, and God knows DH get on my nerves sometimes, but I've never had to contend with anything like this. I am really sorry. I'm sure whatever course you choose will be tough. I hope you find the support you need here on mumsnet.

dearest mrsmiggins - how are you? f* you are having a hard time........i understand you totally but.
our dh's are complete fools.
we would like to teach them a lesson that they cannot continue to treat us like this.
but our silly big hearts get in the way and we make excuses coz we do love them like crazy or alternatively making the step the other way is so bloody daunting and scarey!
i hope you are kind of coping xx

hi
thanks for all the advice
not really coping well

he did say last night that he wouldnt like the situation if it was me who'd been unfaithful but still didnt see why I reacted to Mon & dinner with HER. said I cant keep bringing it up or moaning when he stays away.

think DH has been reading some of my threads as he keeps saying that Ive changed and shoudlnt be listening or discussing our business with Mumsnet.

however he doesnt want to talk to me about it and has now gone to work moody again like before and isnt coming home tonight - staying away cos of some dinner (sort of work)

meanwhile I have got the 3 of us ready for work & am about to leave knowing I have a long day followed by a lonely night.

He might say he doesn't want to talk about it, but I bet he's thinking about it all like crazy.

He must know his actions are very unfeeling. I hope that sometime very soon he does want to talk about it and I hope he's doing some hard thinking now about the changes he needs to make in his life. Saying he doesn't want to talk about it gives him a breathing space to work out what compromises he must make. He doesn't want to leave his job, does he, whatever the reason?

Give him a little time, but the longer he is in denial and won't talk, the more reason you have to be furious with him and show him the door.

I did ask him (again) why he did it
"I was miserable at home"
So was I but I didnt go off.
not a lot he could say to that

hes gone off all moody so I will worry all day that hes going to talk to her or distance himself from me again

bet he wont be worried how Im feeling or whether I want him to leave
I cant just kick him out though & Im certainoly not leaving the home as I have the kids to think about.

he says he cant go on with me crying & questioning him daily but how does he think I manage thinking about what he did daily?
only time I dont think about it is at work cos my collegues are brilliant & I am respected & good at my job...and my counsellor told me to put all my problems in a box when I got to work & shut the lid

Ah mrs Miggins, this is so tough for you. From what you'd said, I can see he isn't going off to work worrying about hurting your feelings, but the whole mess is probably on his mind a lot. He's not seeing things from your perspective, though

Here are a few questions for you Mrs M - I don't pretend to have the answers though

Is there any value from asking him why he did it since you'll get the same answer every time?
Why were he (and you) miserable at home and what can you both do to make this better?
Do you want to save this marriage?
Is there anything he can say to the "why did you do it" that will make things better?
Can anything you or he do or say actually change what has happened in the past? (I know the answer to this one - it's no!)
Can you both use what has happened in the past to shape the future instead?
If you are not going to stop questioning him or start trying to create a new future for yourselves together is there any point in him being at home? Unless you both work at how to stop both of you being miserable at home, the original situation will continue. Currently you're miserable because of what he's done and he's miserable because you're miserable and hurt and question him and make inflammatory remarks like "So was I (miserable) but I didnt go off"

PLEASE don't get me wrong here! I'm not saying for one moment that he hasn't been/isn't being a w*nker or that you don't have a damn good reason to feel or act like you are. I'm just trying to pose a few questions for you to think about in the hope that it might help you move on and forward. I don't think that things can get better, allowing you to move forward, unless you can move on - move on in whichever way proves to be right.

Good luck.

Soupy
very good questions
I am going to have a good think about them and may even pose them to DH cos they are constructive & not having a go at him....which I dont want to do

I think the upshot of it all is that I dont feel he is trying or hurting as much as I am

very confused about whole situation

Glad I've not offended you

I don't think men don't "feel" in quite the same way as us. Also, from his point of view, he's "simply" made a mistake, he's not been hurt so he's viewing it from a different perspective. I would imagine that, in his mind, he's made a mistake, admitted it, apologised (I think?) and is now aggrieved that he's still being punished for it. I doubt he actually understands quite what it's done to you or why you keep prodding at it. Although he said he "wouldn't like it" had it been you who had the affair, I don't think that means he has any idea what it would feel like. (Have you sat him down and explained in no uncertain terms exactly how this has made you feel or what it's done to you and how you feel about the things he's doing now? Not with any accusations, just matter of fact spelling it out to him without him interrupting ro getting all defensive.)

Bl@@dy men.

I have just skimmed this briefly although I remember your original posts and I don't hink he should be speaking to her at all never mind eating with her!If he really was remorseful he would drive home from these things no matter how long it took and how knackered he felt just to show you his commitment.Why does he even want to socailise with someone who was part of your distress.He is really selfish and is still having his cake and eating it.He shouldn't expect you to move so what if he has to get a new job

good questions, soupdragon.

So now he is punishing you by sulking off and staying out all night? And not telling you exactly where he's going. And leaving you to do all the parenting whilst he takes another moody bent?

Nice. Nice way to treat your spouse. That's exactly how mature adults should be handling their feelings - NOT.