OH being a wimp

[lilysmemo]

Ok long winded boring story - but I will just give you the bones. My OH left his wife- for me, we are happy and have a wee one of our own. He usually has to go to her house to see his DD but occasionally he is allowed to take her out. I have only been with him once to drop her off - as we had been to his parents house- which is the other side of her house from ours.
When we got home he got a text from her saying he was not to bring me back to her house again ( I didn't get out of the car). I asked what his reply was- but I know he just ignored it.
It is his DD's birthday this week and he is allowed to have her on Sat- the plan was to take her to his parents for the day- but means I will be in the car when he drops her off.
I said- as a joke, shall I get out and hide behind the hedge when you drop off DD- he said , yes!
I said this was not going to happen - he accused ME of being unreasonable- so now we are not speaking and I have told hiom I am sick of him tip toeing around her- am I wrong here?
I dont want to upset her, I dont know her- but its been 18 months since he left her- how long before I get the respect as his partner that I deserve?

Why did you do it to her toothbrush and not his?

I am truly shocked at the venom here. Breaking faces and drinking through straws. Disgusting comments which belong in the gutter. Making fun of someone else's distress and making yourselves feel good by "clever" comments. What shallow sad lives youmust have to get a kick out of causing more distress.

You would honestly thnk that no one had ever ended a marriage before by finding someone else. Or that it was the very worst thing anyone could do. No, it's not good. Yes, it is painful. But get a sense of perspective .

I know plenty of people who have done this- it's not the right order, no, but humans are not perfect. None of us know what was happening in this couple's marriage, pre the OP meeting her partner.

He was the one who left his wife and child, not her.

OP I hope you are oaky- you do not deserve this, what ever the linching mob thinks.

The point is cabbageroses, is that OP is showing NO sensitivity to the exW's feelings at all. All this soulmates bollocks cannot disguise that 2 people behaved very badly. At least she could feel a bit embarrassed about being involved in the break up of the relationship, as opposed to flaunting her bump - in front of someone who might have had trouble conceiving.

Portofino- you don't know that she feels no guilt if that is what you are trying to say she ought to feel.

It's 18 months ago. Neither of them behaved terribly. They did what millions of other people do- left a partner to be together. Not great, but it happens.

People need to move on.

Yes CR, you're right, everyones a victim in this unpredictable and unavoidable human tragedy, let me get my tiny violin

Why do people need to move on?

To enable other people to feel better?

Maybe people need to have their say?

This thread reminds me of This article

CR - I am presuming from your viewpoint, that you did this yourself. You obviously haven't been in a position where your DH had an affair, then left you and your baby for another woman! You might have a bit more empathy then....

Well, yeah, he is being a wimp imo. It'd be different if she was asking you not to come in the house and chat, but you have no choice about being in the car at that time, do you?

Having said that, I get that she feels very raw about what happened. In your shoes, I think I would - with ill grace, probably - bear that in mind and try to stay off her horizon. She knows you're in the car anyway, so this is definitely a matter of her not feeling she can face you for even a minute. Could they drop you off in a pub or something? It's ridiculous to hang around on the street corner but, if there's a way to show sensitivity to her feelings without making a sacrifice of yourself, then I feel you may as well do it.

"You would honestly think that no one had ever ended a marriage before by finding someone else."

CR I should really just stop reading your comments as they largely serve to wind me up (though I will agree with you that this thread has at times been unhelpfully venomous in tone). I just don't understand this apparent assertion that because infidelity happens, we are somehow just duty bound to shrug our shoulders and accept it without comment? Why shouldn't people be entitled to disapprove of something that they personally feel is wrong? Just because some people choose to go down that route doesn't mean it's the way it HAS to be. Different strokes for different folks I guess..

And please point out me to where anyone here suggested that being unfaithful was "the very worst thing anybody could do". That's just patently ridiculous really. Cheating might be extraordinarily shitty (in my book at least) but I don't think anyone was claiming it was right up there with mass-murder or anything.

As for getting a sense of perspective - I'm perfectly happy with the one I got thanks. Like I said, different strokes and all that.

Oh OP, you can bet your bottom dollar that he will be telling her that you came onto him and also justifying his bed-hopping to his wife by blaming some red-herring type thing she did/failed to do, in order to get her/you off his back.

Also anything he now does to hurt you will turn out to be a big misuderstanding, explained away with really flattering explanations like 'his love for you was so huge and special that he was scared so he had to sleep with someone else to test his feelings' and 'he thought he didn't deserve you so he had to sleep with the office bike to see if he was still desirable'

It'll never be that he was horny and bored and knew he could get away with it.

It'll always be someone eles fault.

Enjoy.

Think on OP - your OH's DD is your "wee one's" half sibling...

There are children in the mix here, who share a Dad and didn't ask to be part of the complexity the adults around them created...

I think you need to take a longer term view.

And Daddy might need put his children first and grow a pair...

lilysmemo You got her man didn't you? Is that not enough for you? Now you want respect?

Just sit down and have a little think for a minute. Your OH is the type of man who leaves his wife and DD for someone else. This means he may leave you and your DC for someone else.

When If this happens to you, do you think you'll be waiting by your door to see him with his new bit of stuff?

You say you don't want to upset her - THEN DON'T. SIMPLES.

CR- thank you for your comments I appreciate that at least one person is reading all of my comments and not just going off on one.
This thread has got incredibly nasty and unpleasant. it was I suppose foolish of me to give the full story- i should have maybe just ranted on about a psycho ex- and would probably have had lots of support from women who (disgustingly) pee on their ex's partners GF's toothbrush and the like.
She is not a psycho, and I am not a fool. She is trying to regain control,as of course she knows him better than I do and can push his buttons but I for one do not think it's reasonable for me to have to hide to keep her happy.
She is not in bits about their relationship and she is happier without him , as is he without her. I know they once loved each other but they dont any more.
As for the rude and patronising comments about our relationship, I am very secure,very much in love and very happy with my OH- although sometimes he is a wimp and has been weak- but if you cant love someones faults you can't love them. We have been through a lot together so far and weathered the storm.
My family understand, as do his, and all of our friends so the offensive and cruel comments of some strangers who dont know the whole story really dont mean a fig.

Why post to ask strangers advice then?

She is not in bits about their relationship and she is happier without him

You know this how? She probably should be a lot happier without him, he sounds like a tosser.

As for your friends and family being understanding and us being strangers.. does it not occur to you that we are able to give a more balanced opinion, because we dont know you, and dont care if the truth hurts. His family and friends can pat you on the hand and tell you not to worry, it will all be ok, she was a witch and he is better off without her... one day his family and his friends could be saying the very same about you, when he finds another soul mate...

so secure you posted about your "weak and wimpish" OH on a public forum ?

yup

safe as houses, innit

Thank you lilysmemo for your kind words. Perhaps if your OH does the same to you, leaving you alone to cope with three small children whilst you are literally on your knees with grief. Then flaunting their new relationship in your face, and asking you to stop being upset because their new girlfriend finds it exhausting.

Perhaps if you were in my shoes, or even your OH wife's shoes, you wont' be so judgemental of people who have had their hearts stamped on, had to listen to their children ask if its their fault that daddy has gone and cry because they don't like watching mummy cry or be sad.

Both of them are very lucky that pissing on her toothbrush is the only thing I did. And to the other person, he didn't get off that lightly either. I punched him full in the face.

lilysmemo You asked - "am I wrong here?"

Answer: Yes.

"how long before I get the respect I deserve?"

Answer: Ask your OH, if you don't want to hear the answers of a load of strangers.

It's not rocket science is it?

How can this ever be water under the bridge? My best mate stole my boyfriend at uni.

No where near as big a deal. BUT I will never forget the fact that two people who I thought cared about me conspired against me to hurt me and then expressed a sense of entitlement to having me recognise and respectful of the relationship afterwards.

He betrayed her, you helped him, you aren't entitled to anything.

Did you really believe him when he claimed they weren't having sex? I am surprised that anyone falls for that guff.

Well your OH is weak willed but he needs to take some control of the situation. He needs to see a solicitor and get a proper plan of action for seeing his DD.

For the time being, until the dust settles, just park round the corner.

His ex will never respect you as she doesn't actually know you. Stop wishing for things that will never happen and you will find life a lot easier.

Lilysmemo

the thread is full of lots of women who find your posts unrealistic and your behaviour rubbish and not worthy or respect.

Just as in real life, most people don't think much of cheaters, liars and women who fuck married men with children.

call it moral judgement, fear or whatever - nobody likes the cheating rats in life. Lives are ruined with the cheating as you can hear from queencat's post. I know of at least 2 women who have spent a lifetime without ever getting over their husband's infidelity and the family break up. The raw grief and pain is still evident during weddings/christenings etc 15 years on, sad but true.

And the "soulmates" well its like a red rag to a bull - its why I read to the end of this thread. COME ON - SOULMATES?? really? how funny.

Go and sit in a cafe or somink, your so resilient, been through so much together, your love is so strong - whats 20 minutes?

I'll never understand why people bother posting for "advice" on the internet when all they really seem to want is validation and sympathy from a bunch of strangers. Why ask for opinions when all you really want is to only hear from people who entirely agree with you? Why ask a bunch of strangers for advice only to snottily dismiss them as strangers "who don't mean a fig" when they say things you don't want to hear?