OH being a wimp

[lilysmemo]

Ok long winded boring story - but I will just give you the bones. My OH left his wife- for me, we are happy and have a wee one of our own. He usually has to go to her house to see his DD but occasionally he is allowed to take her out. I have only been with him once to drop her off - as we had been to his parents house- which is the other side of her house from ours.
When we got home he got a text from her saying he was not to bring me back to her house again ( I didn't get out of the car). I asked what his reply was- but I know he just ignored it.
It is his DD's birthday this week and he is allowed to have her on Sat- the plan was to take her to his parents for the day- but means I will be in the car when he drops her off.
I said- as a joke, shall I get out and hide behind the hedge when you drop off DD- he said , yes!
I said this was not going to happen - he accused ME of being unreasonable- so now we are not speaking and I have told hiom I am sick of him tip toeing around her- am I wrong here?
I dont want to upset her, I dont know her- but its been 18 months since he left her- how long before I get the respect as his partner that I deserve?

I'm amazed that OH's parents have so readily accepted OP's presence,let alone the ex.

Oh queencat.

Are you feeling any more in control now, do you have help?

Thanks hully/perfumed I'm under the doctor and am dosed up to the eyeballs on anti depressants. what i would really like though is a lobotomy so i can stop the awful pictures that i get running through my head at all times of the day and night!

queencat, it will pass. It will. It will. I know you can't shortcircuit the process, but honestly, it will pass.

queencat :(
Good points, well made

The thing you have to get your head around OP is that your DH cannot give you the respect you "deserve" because if he does, it will upset his ExW, who will then make contact difficult. So if he "stands up to her" I expect a huge row would be had. Why on earth would he want to do that?

He is putting his child before anything else.

And so he should.

"how long before I get the respect as his partner that I deserve" well judging from your own assessment of his character, I would say never because he's not that kind of man.

But practically, park around the corner.

My ex left and a new partner appeared soonish, I couldn't give a shit if ex had been having an affair or not, 5 years later it doesn't seem to matter.

Splitting up was the best thing that ever happened to me. Ex got the new partner but the children stayed with me.

Sorry Xposted.

I'm so sorry Queencat, things will get better.

I wonder if OP's DP's XW is on mumsnet

Many sympathies, queencat.

Hawklore Relationships break down all the time, people fall out of love, life is messy. All these statements are true. However, people can still always choose to act with moral fibre and finish one relationship before starting the next...

Yes, they can, but they don't always . It's called Real Life.

If accusing people of not having "noral fibre" is not judgy- just because they don't live up to your ideal of how life should be lived- then I don't know what it is.

Lily having just returned to this thread, I am really glad to hear you will be parking further away next time - seriously - keeping a low, low profile with his ex can only help diffuse things IMO, which is better for everyone.

To be fair to everyone on here, you got flamed so badly mainly because your first post suggested you expected respect from your H's ex, as well as from your H, which is a bit rich you must admit?

And - just because I can't let anyone else get the last word in - I'm not hiding anything (other than my Bridget-knickers under my judgey-pants) - so there

Queencat, I am really and truly sorry for your pain, but it is difficult for me to explin that she is a different person- and I know she is not suffering like you are. Even though she is not I am sorry for my part in their break up - but not for my current relationship.
i really hope things get better for you soon and you find a way forward- as I hope the ex wife does too- for everyone concerned.

Can you not return him Op ?

at dignified

If you were sitting outside MY house with MY husband, you'd be drinking through a straw .

You've got off lightly, I'd say.

Rationally I stick with my former post but to be honest I agree with shirley if anyone came near my DP I'd break their face if they were close enough to let me.

Oh FGS you have NO IDEA how she's feeling. You have what your DP tells you and your DP's friends. Unbiased? I think not. The fact that this woman does not want to see you outside her house (or anywhere) speaks volumes. Learn some empathy and put yourself in her shoes.

Can we ask MNHQ to make a [handbags] emoticon, a la Vic & Bob - it would be so useful

CR I'm more than familiar with Real Life, thanks ever so much. And, as you'll notice if you read my message properly, I never claimed to be non-judgmental. In fact I said I had no problems donning my judgeypants in this situation.

You are entitled to your opinion of course. Just as I'm entitled to reserve the right to disagree wholeheartedly with it. Particularly if the alternative is that I'm supposed to display sympathy for a former-OW who feels she's not getting enough "respect", or that I'm supposed to judge an ex-wife for not getting over things at a more "convenient" rate...

Please can we not talk about breaking faces and drinking through straws - my overriding feeling re affairs in general is that its the cheating H who has a moral responsibility to be faithful, not the OW. I think its a pretty sad woman who gets involved with somebody else's H, but lets remember the blame really lies with the man when he cheats on his wife, and cut out the cat fights!

shirley - out of interest, why wouldn't your husband be "drinking through a straw"?