Genuine question, can a woman ever be responsible for making a man hit her?

[Jic]

Because that's the response I get from my husband. I've been hit about seven or eight times now, in the course of our relationship. I am utterly at a loss because I know exactly what I'd say to any woman in my position, I would say, get out and never look back. So why the fuck can't I take my own advice? Why do I truly believe it's my fault, that I made him do it each time, he says I push him to the limit? What if I do? Is it justified then? I'm so so confused.
What a ramble, just had to get it down.

Thanks again for your replies.

I know it sounds so soft, but my children being damaged by this hurts my heart until it's aching. Can't get passed that at the moment. I want to believe that I deserve more than this. If I start a new life how am I going to cope with all the feelings that I still have for him? You would think,wouldn't you that if a person had u in a head lock almost until u couldn't breathe or if he'd smacked u across the face you would absolutely hate him? Well I don't. Shocking as it is, I don't. I resent and am so angry and hurt but how do u stop loving all the things that u had or shared?I'm so scared, but I need to get out for my children and then for me, if I focus on them it could be easier, it's numb for me at the moment.

Strange as it may seem, I'm not surprised you still have feelings for him. Maybe it's OK to accept that you love him at this moment - right now, you're conditioned to be attracted to him because of his behaviour.. in the long term, you really CAN be attracted to someone who treats you with respect.

Stay focused on the kids. Just because you have feelings for him doesn't mean you should accept all his behaviour. Get him out. Put your love for your children above all else and go onto autopilot for a while. Phone WA..

I'm so pleased you posted here and can get the strength you need to leave. Whatever you feel about him, and I'm sure you do love him - you can't switch off love, especially when you've had children with the man you love/loved. But this will be harming your children. Boys are at risk of learning that women are not worthy of respect and girls risk growing up thinking they haven't got a right to be in a good, equal relationship and will go on to put up with a shit man themselves.

My mum was in a violent relationship, and didn't have the emotional resources to help my brother and I learn the emotional things we needed to learn at that age. My dad left in the end, thank goodness, and my mum was incredibly strong. But don't let yourself or your children stay in this damaging situation any longer than you have to.

Gather strength, contact Women's Aid, keep posting here, and leave your abusive partner.

It may not come to leaving. He just may need a wake up call that he can't hit you. He can't get cross with anyone else and attack them ,so it is strange that he thinks he can do it with the mother of his children. He does it because he can get away with it.

You don't have to stop loving him. I'm sure he has many lovable qualities, as did my ex.

however, what you do have to do is stop him hitting you and abusing your children (abuse of the parent is abuse of the child who hears, sees or is aware of the evidence of it). I suggest you ring WOMEN's AId.

They are not judgemental and ill not scream at you to leave, but they will give you the very best advice and 6support^ - real life support.

exotic fruits, Im sorry but that is bad advice. He does not need a wake up call he is a violent dangerous man who has seriously assaulted his partner several times.

There is no help that can resolve this I'm afraid, you need to get out. Mourn and grieve for what you thought this relationship was and get out.

OP, you are conditioned to think on one level that this is acceptable even while your heart knows it is not. You really need professional help - please call womens aid.Im glad you have posted here - it's your first step to moving forwards and breaking the pattern that your own childhood created.

The answer to your question in short is.......NO

You know what you need to do, but until you decide YOU have to leave (or get him out) you wont.

There is a way.

You need to get your head round this, i hope that you do & speaking to other people about it will help.
Advice followed by support will help you do this.

IME i feel there is a process & sometimes it takes going through it time again until you have had enough, only then you find strength to do what is logical to everyone who see's it from the outside.

Please, if you won't leave this violent bully for you then do it for your children. You are, indirectly, teaching them all about relationships. This will feel normal for them unless you change it.

Yes-ignore me. He shouldn't have got to that point in the first place.

Could i ask the OP to take a read of This thread.

i often find that reading about a stranger in a similar situation can sometimes help us realise our own plight. "yes thats what i am like" kind of thing.

at the very least the information and advice on the thread will be of some assistance i think.

The only time I believe a man is within his full rights to hit a woman is if its in self defence. One thing I cannot stand is when women batter their DP/DH and not expect a retaliation.

unless this is the case then no. if you have not instigated violence then you should not be on the receiving end of it.

What you feel is normal Jic. I still had feelings for my abusive twunt ex when I left him. My ex used to hit me because I got 'hysterical' and he needed to 'calm me down'. I got over my ex in just a few short months and likely the same will be true for you.

It is scary leaving, no doubt you feel caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. You can't decide which direction is best but you need to leave because the abuse will only get worse. He's not hitting you in front of the children yet but he will. Do you want to be the woman at the school gates in the morning with your face caked up with make-up to hide the bruises? Do you want your kids to have the same self-esteem issues as you? Do you want them to end up in your shoes, being hit by their partner and thinking they deserve it?

omg smellslike my ex h punched me in the head once for being "hysterical".
I now see quite clearly what he did. He wound me up more and more and more that day until I was ready to snap then because I went "aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhh" in frustration he punched me in the head.
I was totally shocked, but he never even apologised or admitted that it was a total over reaction even if I was hysterical. This incident is written on our divorce papers and he has the nerve to say that he will argue it in court?
What a wanker!

If she hit him first, then it's a fight. The "a gentleman should never hit a lady" stuff is sexist crap. If a woman hits a bloke she deserves to get hit (but only once and with approx equal force) in return.

2rebecca you're not quite right.
Nobody has the right to hit anybody else, man or woman it is not acceptable.

Maybe self defense is different, but that's not the case here. this is physical abuse which is totally unacceptable

2rebecca - what utter bollocks.

If a woman hits a man he should remove himself from the situation and report to the police if he wishes.

there is never ever an excuse to hit a woman.

Not that i feel it ever acceptable for a woman to hit a man either. but the tit for tat argument is ridiculous.

Yes thanks all and mamazon that thread was the one that prompted me to post in the first place.

I guess from reading all your posts that I am coming to realise that I need to ask myself some serious questions. We are due to move house soon and I'm thinking to say I'm going on my own with the kids. I'm also going to ring wa.
The feelings I have will pass I'm sure eventually, and because I so want to protect my kids from any further damage I'm just going to have to find some strength deep down. The strange thing is that mist people including myself if I was giving advice to another woman would say why are you waiting? What have u got to lose and yet here I am saying it's going to be hard etc wrt feelings, hopes for the future. I'll be leaving life as I know it but I don't know how nice it can be without the violence. I got used to my life as it is now and as awful as it can be, it's all I know, and leaving it is unknown and scary.

Try this questin another way OP. What do you do when you've hit your limit? What happens then?

I tend to throw down my arms, exclaim GAH, or For Fucks Sakes You're An Idiot or some other clear statement of exasperation and then leave the room.

So, if you can make him hit you, hy can't you make me hit you? Or the Postman? Or your Nan? Or the dog? Why is it just him?

Answer: Hitting you is HIS default way of dealing with it, like mine is making a scene and an exit. YOU haven't got a lot to do with it, I swear at practically anyone when annoyed enough... And he'd hit practically anyone. I suspect the only exception would be anyone who he might not get away with it with... So most people except you and th kids then.

Courage.. In the saddest way possible, it's the only life your children have ever known in their short lives, too, and it's up to you to show them it's possible to have a life without fear.

Honestly, you can do it. Have a chat to WA first and you can talk through your options with them. You have more resources at your disposal than you may realise.

Good luck, and keep posting on here if it helps.

I hit my ex once in desperation and frustration from yrs of being beaten up-in retrurn and because i had dared to stand up to him, he broke my eye socket and fractured my skull,i could never have caused him that damage in a million years.
Men are different and stronger than women that is why there are male and female categories in sports.

Re: the whipping with a teatowel. That's even worse than a punch, actually, because it requires an element of premeditation. The teatowel needs to be twisted into a taut rope and flicked accurately, and then has to be repositioned and made taut again and re-flicked.
Bit like that poster on here who reported that her H tipped cold water over her repeatedly when she was pregnant and asleep. Involved quite a lot of effort to prepare that and sustain the abuse through numerous trips to the bathroom to refill the jug.
Bastard.

Have you got a daughter, Jic? What would you want her to do if she were with someone who was this violent towards her?

We will all feel a range of emotions towards our partners at times... including negative ones such as anger, frustration, irritation etc... However, we don't all hit and whip our partners as a way of dealing with these emotions.

This is about power and control - in other word this is DV. He can say what he wants to justify it otherwise but it is DV.

Please speak to someone who can help

Of course he's going to blame you for it. He's hardly likely to own up and say, "yes, I hit you and whip you because I'm a bastard wife-beater" is he?

Get the hell out .The opposite of abuse is respect and he doesn't respect you.He tells u its ur fault to manipulate how u perceive ur reality.But ur instincts are screaming out now.Trust ur instincts ,no woman deserves this and no child deserves this as a childhood.I am nearly 18mths free from a 16 yr relationship.I too thought it was love and my fault.If I achieve nothing else in this life I have giving my kids a new life without fear and aggression .instead they have peace and stability in their home.dv is about disrespecting the victim and the perpetrators massive sense of entitlement.Break the cycle.
Keep posting u will get lots of support on here x