Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Genuine question, can a woman ever be responsible for making a man hit her?

151 replies

Jic · 12/03/2011 23:44

Because that's the response I get from my husband. I've been hit about seven or eight times now, in the course of our relationship. I am utterly at a loss because I know exactly what I'd say to any woman in my position, I would say, get out and never look back. So why the fuck can't I take my own advice? Why do I truly believe it's my fault, that I made him do it each time, he says I push him to the limit? What if I do? Is it justified then? I'm so so confused.
What a ramble, just had to get it down.

OP posts:
beingsetup · 17/03/2011 06:45

You've done it now Grin and shown amazing strength. ~All the best for the future a year from now you won't recognise yourself...

CeliaFate · 17/03/2011 11:36

Jic, I am moved to tears by your posts. You are amazing. I wish you all the best for you and your children's safe and happy future.

Patienceobtainsallthings · 18/03/2011 13:57

Jic hope ur cool ,glad u have got ur mum for support x

Original poster
Jic · 14/05/2011 20:34

I'm posting here again because I'm desperate. I've been a fool, really sons stupid. Because from the time I posted here until now I've still been in the house. The landlord of the place i was going to rent has been an idiot and not let me move in. Very complicated but basically he didn't give notice to the tenants that were in the flat i was going to take.
So I told him I was leaving and he went ballistic and then so so remorseful and telling me everything would change. and I believed him. I so so wanted to. I really did, so I convinced myself that he would. Why is this so hard. whyyyyyy it shouldnt be should it. My kids, my kids that's all that's in my mind. except they're not are they cos I would have gone by now. So that makes me feel guilty. I'm not making any sense. He's been having them on weekends and nights when I'm working and doing nothing around the house And yesterday I had three bin bags and a suitcase full of washing so I took it all to the laundrette on my day off cos I knew nothing would get done by the next time I was off and he was trying to get out of the door but he was trying to stop me and said I had a washing machine at home why did I need to go to the laundrette and I said it's because I had so much to do and why didn't he do some every other day and I wouldn't be in this position. Anyway he went into a fit of rage and started smashing things and then he smashed the washing machine to pieces and said there you go you can go to the laundrette anytime you like now
Please help me untangle my mind I don't have anyone else

OP posts:
ShoutyHamster · 14/05/2011 21:10

Ok, are you in the house now? Is he?

Can you either go somewhere with the children - to your mum's? - or get someone to come and be with you?

Or, there is the option of going to a refuge. Wiser and more experienced people will be along shortly who can advise you here, I have read on here that they are NOT scary bleak places- quite the opposite. Can you also ring WA too, regardless of tonight's plans, and get some advice?

Also - phone police? Report a DV incident at the home and they will put a mark next to your address.

That's short term - get hold of someone in RL to give you some support and to be with you and the kids, report (if you can) as a safety precaution, and get away from him if you can, as soon as possible.

Long term - IT WILL BE OK. You are NOT a fool - you are a normal person, one with a conscience and a sense of responsibility that makes you think, ok, I really must try this, and this, and this, before I make permanent changes that will impact on the kids'. Don't worry, don't beat yourself up. It's what people do. Forget the flat - the landlord let you down - good thing you didn't move in eh!

If you were going to be able to rent a place independently anyway, and if there is nowhere you could stay short-term until you can now move, I would go to a refuge, and from there, sort out a new flat. WA could help you in this I'm sure. If you have someone you can go to, make arrangements to go there and sort out a new flat from there.

Others with wiser words will be along soon...

Good luck, you will be ok, you were almost out, you gave it one last chance, now you know you'll definitely be out. You are strong.

forgetmenot7 · 14/05/2011 21:22

battered wives syndrome...because thats what it is can last for months , years , it may stop for a little while..maybe....but you will only leave when you are strong enough .......but if you stay it will get worse as time goes on and it will never stop....................

missmelo · 14/05/2011 21:25

Hi Jic,

sorry to hear how things have been and are now currently. I can fully understand how you must be feeling. You are not a bad person for still being there so stop feeling guilty and bad about yourself, thats what your husband wants. I hope for your own sake you find the strength to leave and never look back. I don't want to frighten you but your man has an explosive temper and is violent, your kids need you, their mum and if your husband has another attack of rage they may not have their lovely mum anymore and where will they be without you? He could kill you Jic, he sounds like a madman. They'll be with their nasty piece of work dad who WILL take his hatred and anger out on your beautiful children. Leave now Jic, do anything, please don't be around him.

forgetmenot7 · 14/05/2011 21:28

Phone Refuge. They will find somewhere safe for you to go.If you cant get away straightaway. Phone the first chance you get and arrange for them to find a place ASAP.
Trust me . In years to come you will wonder why you didn't do it sooner . Good luck x

missmelo · 14/05/2011 21:31

here is the Refuge number Jic 0808 2000 247

forgetmenot7 · 14/05/2011 21:36

If you are not ready to leave, still phone the help line and get advice.Refuge are really good . The womens refuges have trained counselors and sort out your benefits to help you as well as getting you accommodation with a council if you have nowhere else to live . You can start again. Trust me.I did.

neuroticmumof3 · 14/05/2011 21:55

I'm sorry things are going a bit wrong for you right now, especially after you'd made all your plans and been so brave. You really need to be careful around him right now. When abusive relationships start to break down the risk to the woman goes up. When an abuser's normal tactics don't work and you start to break away from their control that's when the violence can escalate, it's an attempt to get control back. I would strongly consider going to refuge for a short period whilst you can arrange suitable housing. If you really don't want to do that then ring NCDV and see if you've got enough evidence to apply for a non-molestation order. You're doing the best thing for you and your children by ending this relationship but you must take your safety seriously.

plinkduet · 14/05/2011 23:03

If you keep poking a dog, he'll bite you, but some people will not hit out no matter how far you push them, some will.

missmelo · 14/05/2011 23:45

Well imo her husband is nothing but a dog who doesn't deserve the privilige of having her or their children in his life

aurynne · 15/05/2011 00:14

Jic, I am so very sorry of all what's been happening. But you need to go. He will start being violent towards your children... if he hasn't yet. Which I doubt.

shylajoolz · 15/05/2011 00:27

Jic, please get yourself and your children out of that situation. A friend and neighbour of mine was recently killed by her partner after suffering years of emotional and physical abuse :( Her children are in a terrible way now, as are her family and friends... Please make the choice to protect a future for yourself and your children xx

dizietsma · 15/05/2011 00:39

Jic, I grew up with an abusive stepfather, and the broken furniture evidence of their fights haunted me as evidence of the violence. It was a permanent reminder of his dominance and power over us all. I heard too much of the violence, didn't see too much, but hearing and seeing the evidence is more than enough, and now I have an anxiety disorder that it's taken me many years to learn to cope with. This is harming your children. You need to leave now. If not for you, then for them. Please, please, please call refuge, call Women's Aid, get help, get OUT. Do it now, start organizing it now, before the forgetting and rationalizing starts up. Before the apologies and promises to never do it again start to sway you. Leave the smashed up washing machine as evidence, to remind you.

Also, call family members or friends you know you can trust and confide in them, ask for their support. You need to reach out to people who can be there for you, hold your hand, fight your corner, help with practical stuff. I know it seems like a big step, but you will find this so much easier with other people supporting you. I bet there's lots of friends out there who suspect or know what happens who are just waiting for you to reach out, who have been biting their tongues, but are desperate to be there for you.

Tortington · 15/05/2011 00:48

you need to go to a womens refuge. your not doing your best as a mum if you let this situation continue, you know this.

dizietsma · 15/05/2011 00:49

You can do this. He has no right to treat you this way, you deserve so much better. Abusers like him often instinctively pick women who have grown up with abuse because they know they're soft targets. That's because adults who grew up with abuse often find themselves in abusive relationships, and find it hard to leave them, because that's how love was role modeled to them as children. You can stop the cycle of violence continuing. You were so brave before, you just need to be brave a little bit longer and reach out for help.

Original poster
Jic · 15/05/2011 07:42

Thank you all of you

I couldn't post last night

I am at work now on a long shift I'll post back later. I can't tell you how much it means having you all here

OP posts:
edwardsbella · 15/05/2011 08:13

my brother in law hit my sister a while ago - well i say hit and kicked her,she is convinced it was her fault ,she told my straight away i wont talk to him anymore and ive said if he ever touches her again i will call the police.he did it in front of their 3 yr old

ShoutyHamster · 15/05/2011 08:45

Hugs Jic!

You can do it. There is endless support on here, both emotionally and for the practical stuff.

In the meantime...can you talk to anyone in RL? Your mum? A good friend?

That is a key step. Take it NOW if you can.

x

missmelo · 15/05/2011 13:00

Jic, there is always support for you here, I think what everyone on here wants is for you and your DC's to be safe and happy. x

dizietsma · 16/05/2011 10:28

Rooting for you Jic. Hoping that silence means you've reached out to someone and are getting things organized to leave or have left.

If not, I'm hoping you come back, we're always here for you, no matter what.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 16/05/2011 11:49

This is awful and he is dangerous. Please leave.

We'll be here.

Original poster
Jic · 30/05/2011 23:11

I haven't posted for a while, sorry.

As I told you before, I hadn't left because I was sucked in again, thinking that things could get better. But on saturday things got worse again when he hit me across the face after a row, and I called the police. They came straight round, but as I was on the phone to them he signalled to me that it was over completely by waving his hand as in bye bye.

Later after he'd been released with a caution because he'd admitted to it, he text me asking when I was bringing the kids round the next morning because I was due to work and he would be having them. I replied saying that they weren't even asleep yet(I leave early and it was about midnight) and could he not come to mine (I'd moved in to my new place which I'd been building up to moving into, straight after the police had finished talking to me),and I would have been fine with this because I have no issue with him being with the kids as I've previously said. But he said that he's not coming round to mine because as far as he's concerned I don't exist now, because I called the police, to him this is the ultimate betrayal. He says I'm one of the 'others' now, that I'm just a stranger and 'you saw the hand'(referring to his gesture when I was on the phone to the police). I'm left feeling strange, it should be relief, but it's not. This is a very horrible feeling to have, because although I should hate him, and I do hate his behaviour, I can't stop thinking about how I suddenly don't exist in this person's mind, the one I've spent ten years with and with whom I have two children. This is what DV does I suppose, you feel utterly attached to this person in a weird way, because I got used to it, and now he doesn't want me, I feel screwed up and hurt. How weird. I feel so sad, lonely, scared and hurt all at the same time.

I can't stop crying, I'm now sitting here, with my two little babies asleep, oblivious to everything, except unfortuantely, the damage that's been done to them already.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread