Genuine question, can a woman ever be responsible for making a man hit her?

[Jic]

Because that's the response I get from my husband. I've been hit about seven or eight times now, in the course of our relationship. I am utterly at a loss because I know exactly what I'd say to any woman in my position, I would say, get out and never look back. So why the fuck can't I take my own advice? Why do I truly believe it's my fault, that I made him do it each time, he says I push him to the limit? What if I do? Is it justified then? I'm so so confused.
What a ramble, just had to get it down.

Contacts Womens Aid or a refuge get yourself out of there

Thanks for all posts.

I'm still trying so hard to get my head around why in still here after everything that's happened. I'm wondering why I still have feelings for a man who is violent towards me. I keep thinking about leaving, and then I think what's going to happen on the days I miss him physically? That's actually all that's left in the relationship, we always had a good sex life, if that could be switched off it would be easier. I'm going to miss him physically, does anyone understand that? Even if he hits me? Why and how can I still say that?

Of course people understand that. Everyone , even without violence, knows what it is like to love someone who we know is bad for us. It's human - but Jic, part of becoming wise is learning to separate those feelings out and see that they are not enough. You and your child/children are in danger - so physical lust/ love will have to be put aside.

There is another important thing to remember - and it is a hard one to face. That is that part of the reason you love him/ have such strong feelings for him is BECAUSE he is violent / controlling. Your childhood experiences taught you that this is what 'men' are. It's what makes you feel comfortable and at home, even when all your rational instincts tell you that the behaviour is wrong.

You need proper counselling to pick apart your feelings for him - it really is not a simple thing. Stop giving yourself a hard time and accept that you do have feelings - but that you have to leave. Over the coming months you will be able to pick apart all the things you feel about him and why, with a professional.

Self defence if a woman is trying to stab him?

Waterrat gives very good counsel, Jics.

I stopped my ex beating me up hitting me by leaving him briefly. That worked but, guess what, the passion started to go out of our relationship from that day onwards. We stayed together - he adopted new methods of keeping me in 'my place' which, since I didn't then know about mental/emotional, sexual & financial abuse, worked a treat for him. When we eventually split up, he came into my room while I was sleeping and tried to kill me. Literally. This came out of the blue, we'd hardly touched each other in passing for months.

So what I'm saying is that sometimes the passion is dependent on the violence. It makes me sick to think of it, but he was only passionate while he could beat me. Also, our relationship was only ever about control to him. The nice parts were just window dressing - bait, to keep me handy for him. It's obvious how much use he thought I was after the split! He figured I'd be better off dead.

I think it's a good idea to spend some time around HAPPY families for a while, if you can sort that out - without him. Seeing and feeling the difference between the atmosphere in a relaxed, fear-free home can teach you more than my posts can :)

The sex is keeping u hooked in,he knows he can charm u in bed and get away with pushing the boundaries out of bed.If u didn't have good sex would u stay? Does the fear of not having a lover keep u in a violent relationship?
I didn't think I could live without him,didn't think I could cope with him sleeping with anyone else.I was massively co dependant and could normalise any situation and tell myself I had a good marriage,wtf ? It all became clearer when he left.my self esteem soared and he told me I had got all empowered,meanwhile he drank himself into oblivion and now has hooked up with a 21yo barmaid from his boozer ,he is 42.
but the sky didn't fall in when I became a single parent,we have a laff and I'm far happier,
all the best x

Keep reading and keep posting, Jic. You need to gather a lot of strength, I think! I agree with the other posters that your whole relationship - the good and the bad bits - are based on a damaging foundation of control and power and inequality.

Please keep thinking about your children in all this - if that's the one thing that will give you the strength to leave this man. Ask yourself if the sex is really more important to you than your children growing up in an emotionally healthy household.

And accept that you are bound to need counselling to help you get over this, and to learn that you are worthy - you do not need to be in a relationship with someone who treats you badly.

read the womens aid website. it is a good help for working out why you stay. it is difficult to leave. it is not unusual for there to be many, many incidents before the perpatrator is reported. Somewhere round 30 incidents. I told no-one until I ended up needing to call an ambulance, and i still stayed to be punched in the head another 3 or 4 times. (plus a few other incidents)

Have spoken to womens aid this morning. They have given me some details of a local service that I can access.

I know I keep saying it but I really appreciate all your posts.

Wishing u a ll the best x
It s been a tough road to walk but I've learnt so much and me and my dcs have a much brighter road ahead of us now.
Just didn't see it all when I lived with him ,but so glad we are out of it now.

Well done, Jic. A brave first step on the road to freedom .

That's fantastic news, Jic. How did you find the conversation?

Do contact the outreach person - you're just beginning to find out you're not wrong, and there is support :)

Well done, that was a big step and you should be proud to haven taken it.

I've decided I'm moving out later this month to the flat we were both supposed to go to. I've told him and he's taking it very badly. My mum is here at the moment and is staying until I move. She doesn't know about the DV.

He has a very bad gambling problem too. He lost over a £1000 yesterday, and said I'm driving him to that too, by not having a happy relationship. It makes me so angry, because I feel like the 12 hour shifts I do mean nothing to him, and that I'm working for free. At least I'll be able to manage my own money wehn I'm on my own.

I told work today, and they gave me two weeks leave instantly, which is such a relief because I can try to get my head round everything. I'm just focusing on my kids right now. Does anyone know what happens with regards to child maintenance? If he gives me any money they will obviously be deducting my tax credits, and I need them to help pay for nursery fees.

OMG Jic! You're amazing! I am so, so impressed by your bravery.

Keep posting here to keep your support up.

Thanks flamingo

Let's hope I can keep it up. I'm veering between being quite calm and rational, to feeling quite the opposite, I know that's normal though. It's going to be a long road I'm sure, with lots of hurting and crying along the way, but I need to think about my kids, and that's what's keeping me going.

Oh my god just found this thread and want to congratulate you for taking the first step towards keeping you and your children safe. You can give them a childhood far better than yours, and what more could any parent want for their child?

Brava, JIC, you rock :)

Thanks elephants, and to all for your support

I'm glad you've got your mum there.
Hopefully we won't think about hitting you when she's in the house.

I would advise tellign the police, though, because he might come after you when you move.

Another hi-five from me, Jic :) I'm so glad your mum's supporting you, and your employers. Moving will be exciting for you & DCs - as well as stressful. Try to get some proper R&R in between making preparations!
x

Its all been said.

Might be worth talking to the police once you are 'clear'

oh ffs I'm sure your kids are annoying but do you hit them in anger? Do you lose control and feel unable to control your fists in front of your kids?
Have you ever been so annoyed by your kids that you just had to punch them in the face?

No?

If you wouldn't treat your kids like that then why would you let someone treat you like that?

Get out. Now.

Jic "Does anyone know what happens with regards to child maintenance? If he gives me any money they will obviously be deducting my tax credits, and I need them to help pay for nursery fees."

Receipt of maintenance no longer reduces tax credits - see here.

Between the age of about 8 and 14, we lived with an abusive partner who used to hit my mum from time to time, extremely violently, she had some awful Polaroids that she took for evidence should she have needed it. Her kids are a big part of why she stayed. He kept promising he'd never do it again, each time, and bought big presents. He kept doing it though. I remember running down in the middle of the night one night and pulling him off her. He was a mean, mean person, he used to take some delight in e.g. pretending to give me a hug but twisting my arm at the same time. I wouldn't say I was messed up by it, but life seemed so much brighter when they split and he moved out. I still think about it and it saddens me so many years later (am now 31). So from the child's point of view, I would advise you to get the hell out.

Thanks forkful that's very helpful re credits.

Beingsetup, i know, of course I wouldn't react the same, and i have gained such strength in the last couple of days to know I've been putting up with a lot of shit, just wish I'd come to it sooner so I could have protected my kids.