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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Genuine question, can a woman ever be responsible for making a man hit her?

151 replies

Jic · 12/03/2011 23:44

Because that's the response I get from my husband. I've been hit about seven or eight times now, in the course of our relationship. I am utterly at a loss because I know exactly what I'd say to any woman in my position, I would say, get out and never look back. So why the fuck can't I take my own advice? Why do I truly believe it's my fault, that I made him do it each time, he says I push him to the limit? What if I do? Is it justified then? I'm so so confused.
What a ramble, just had to get it down.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 13/03/2011 10:08

You believe it is your fault because that is what he wants you to think. He isn't a good father-DCs follow what they see and they will think it normal.It isn't normal.

To answer your question, it is never,ever the fault that someone else hits you.

You are responsible for your own behaviour and you are not responsible for someone else's behaviour.
He is an adult and whatever he feels the provocation is, he has to find a way to manage his response. In the same way that he doesn't 'make you do anything'.
I would sit him down when you are both calm, don't get cross or lose your temper, and just state the facts 'you have hit me 8 times and there isn't going to be a 9th-what are going to do to solve your problem?
I would suggest an anger management course to him or Relate.
Give him the straight choice-he deals with his problem or he leaves.Keep calm and unemotional.
Perhaps go to CAB first and find out about anger management courses and your rights if you leave him.

Don't put up with it-if you carry on you will most definitely think it is your fault-IT IS NOT.

ledkr · 13/03/2011 10:09

jic you are asking for permission to stay i think.
You were hoping we would say yes you can wind him up to hit you and you have convinced yourself its ok cos "its not often,hes not done it for ages" You want to believe that you are different to other victims of abuse but you are not. YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.Thefact that you are asking if you may be responsible for him hitting you is the proof of that.
Do you believe that you can provoke someone to hit another person? Did your kids never provoke you both?
HE has control over his actions or he would do it in public.

My ex started by hitting me when i deserved it and i believed him for a while.
I left after 4 yrs taking with me a fractured skull,perforated ear drums and a premature baby!

Wise up now.

humptydidit · 13/03/2011 10:44

sorry just wanted to add another perspective. first time i left ex h, he took an overdose. He said that he was destroyed by me leaving him and breaking up the family etc... so he wanted to end it all.

I was horrified and took him back. At the time womens aid told me that it was not my fault that he had attempted suicide. But I couldn't understand it, I thought that suicide was a huge step to take and not something to be taken lightly so in my mind I must have really hurt him to push him to do it....

I now see what he was doing, and having spoken to former partners he has been doing this for years. He uses suicide to make people feel sorry for him and for attention (which is apparently quite common amongst abusive men and is also sick imo).

I now see that even if I did send his world crashing around his ankles by destroyinng his family etc, I didn't get the tablets, I didn't give him and glass of water and put them in his mouth and even if I did do all of those things I didn't make him swallow them. he did.

Do you see what I'm trying to say? He says you made him hit you but you didn't. maybe you wound him up and maybe you upset him and maybe you pushed him to the limit but you never "made" him hit you. He made that decision.

I think this type of behaviour is typical of abusive men and I would urge you to listen to your gut instinct and get some help to get away from him. Phone womens aid, they are fantastic and they will help you.

humptydidit · 13/03/2011 10:44

sorry messed up the asterisks Blush

Anniegetyourgun · 13/03/2011 10:46

So Humptydidit, after you left him for good did he actually kill himself?

humptydidit · 13/03/2011 10:54

no he didn't... it was all for attention. I went back that time. Fast forward a few years and he dropeed that tactic and switched to telling me that I was mental not him.

Since I left for good he has told everybody that I am mentally ill, my family, his family, our friends, aquaintances etc. What an idiot!

According to his ex, he used to do the suicide thing quite a lot and he would actually phone 2 or 3 different girls to tell them what he was going to do and for a bit of extra attention when they all tried to talk him out of it.

Thank god I saw sense and got rid of him

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/03/2011 11:12

With regards to anger management course or Relate:-

Anger management is of no benefit in cases where there is long term domestic violence as is here. I daresay he does not treat other people in such a manner as well; his abuse is all for Jic. This is therefore not about anger; abuse is about power and control.

Relate will not counsel couples where there is abuse present within the relationship. Joint counselling is of no use nor benefit in this particular circumstance. Abusers can use such sessions to dominate their spouse and make it all out to be her fault. It can also serve to justify the abuse further in their own minds.

The most feasible option here is to both contact WA and seek legal advice. Jic: this man is bringing nothing at all positive into your lives now.

Jic; you certainly need counselling for yourself and I would hope you contact Womens Aid. You also need to deal with your past abuse suffered properly because to date you have not done so.

judgejudie · 13/03/2011 11:45

My poor babies, I feel so bad that they may have been damaged.

sorry, but no maybe about it, they will have :(

exoticfruits · 13/03/2011 11:59

Thanks Attila-I have no experience which is why I suggested CAB. If he is only violent to one person it is because he can get away with it. Calmly tell him that he can't-you are not putting up with it. (but get proper advice first)

garlicbutter · 13/03/2011 12:03

There is a reason why my sisters and I married abusers. There's a reason why one brother hit his wife and the other married a control freak. The reason is my mother's choice to allow her violent husband to carry on being our father. All children believe their parents are right about everything - we literally didn't know any different.

I'll let you draw your own conclusions.

garlicbutter · 13/03/2011 12:05

I just wanted to add, Jic - you do know it only takes one beating to control someone for life, don't you? Fear of repetition keeps you toeing his line all by yourself. Is that love or contempt? Caring or control?

AmazingBouncingFerret · 13/03/2011 12:05

Oh OP I'm sorry you are in this situation.
You need to be strong. Leave him. Teach your children that it is not normal for their Father to act that way. For yours and their sakes.

Bonsoir · 13/03/2011 12:07

Yes - the little girls at DD's school constantly provoke the boys and then complain the boys attack them.

colditz · 13/03/2011 12:12

No.

he has the option to get up and walk away, no matter WHAT you are doing. Unless you are threatening him witha gun or a knife, or are already hitting him and are significantly bigger than him, he has no reason to hit you.

he chooses to hit you.

exoticfruits · 13/03/2011 12:13

The boys are handling it wrong Bonsoir! They are raising to the bait-there is no fun at all if they ignore it!

colditz · 13/03/2011 12:13

Little girls are not women and little boys are not men. Infants are not criminally responsible purely BECAUSE they don't have an adult's level of self control. If any adult has a 7 year old's level of self control, s/he needs psychiatric intervention.

Bonsoir · 13/03/2011 12:14

LOL colditz, we probably need to lock up 50% of the population with your definition.

exoticfruits · 13/03/2011 12:14

rising not raising. Anyway as Colditz says-he isn't a little boy!

colditz · 13/03/2011 12:14

And hitting is only 'normal' in boys because society expects it. Little boys and girls do not have significantly different hormonal levels, and therefore boys hit because they aren't taught that it is abhorrant for them to do so.

exoticfruits · 13/03/2011 12:16

I have boys-I teach that nothing is solved by violence.

colditz · 13/03/2011 12:16

Seriously, you want to have a look at the little enclaves of society where girls aren't taught NOT to hit. They hit just as much as the boys do.

But seriously, OP, he's choosing to hit you. He hits you because he hit you once and you didn't press charges. Now it is a convenient way for him to get his own way and stop you talking.

colditz · 13/03/2011 12:17

EF - yes, most people do.

Pagwatch · 13/03/2011 12:20

Seriously? On a thread as serious this we are going to judge an adults behaviour as ok because primary age children may do it?

Both my boys have learnt not to hit before 7 and one has special needs.

Any adult accepting that a primary age boy will hit because a little girl provoked him is the kind of parent creating men like the ops dh..

HecateTheCrone · 13/03/2011 12:20

does your husband hit other people in his life, or just you?

I bet it's just you. These men always claim it is the woman making them do it, yet you don't see them hitting their boss or a shop assistant, or some bloke in the street or anyone else who has 'wound them up' in some way. No. They save their fists for their wife and deal with other people in a civilised way.

You aren't making him do anything. He is choosing to hit you.

You don't have to put up with that.

exoticfruits · 13/03/2011 12:21

If people use violence, eventually they have to talk so why not talk in the first place? DH has had the violence and now is his time to talk. (any war has to end in a peace treaty and talking)