Can a marriage ever survive dv ??

[fairycakesandsprinkles]

Have posted on here before about DH.
We hadn't been together very long before getting married and me falling pregnant and since we had DS I noticed a change in him which I didn't like very much.
He starting becoming aggressive and it escalated within a very short period of time, coming to a head when he punched me when I had our baby son in my arms
This was the first time he had done anything like that and it shocked me to the core.
I moved out of our house the same night and everyone has told me not to look back but I can't help thinking about him all the time.
I know it might sound crazy but he knows that he made a huge mistake and is very remorseful.
He has been to see his GP and been referred for anger management.
He sends me texts telling me he loves me and he hopes that one day I can forgive him and we can be a family again.
I go round there several times a week to take DS and I can feel us getting closer.
I am wondering if a marriage can ever survive something like this?
Can someone really change or am I a complete fool for still believing in him?

[itsohsoquiet]

You say you go round there to take your son to see his dad.
Are you staying there on these visits?
If so perhaps get him to pick up DS and have him on his own. You need space to think about what it is that you want.
If he is really sorry then he won't object to this.
Suggest it and see what his response is.
You will be able to tell a lot from this.

[itsohsoquiet]

How long has it been since you left?
I didn't catch your previous thread

[TheVisitor]

My abuser was always remorseful too. Didn't stop him doing it again, mind. He needs to have DS on his own and you need space well away from him.

[PeterAndreForPM]

in a word....no

anybody that can punch a woman with a baby in her arms has a fucking screw loose and is irredeemable, IMO

you feel you are getting closer ? He is showing you a "normal" side to regain your trust

he isn't "normal" and that will become clear very soon after you reconcile

< apologies to those peeps with loose screws >

[Alambil]

DV isn't about anger. It's about control. He doesn't hit his boss, his mum, his colleagues, does he?

If I were you, I'd look into doing the Freedom Programme to become strong in your decision and to begin to fathom it all out.

But to answer your question, no. I don't think any relationship can ever fully survive dv.

[winnybella]

NO. NO. NO.
Abusers very rarely change. It's not just anger iyswim (did he punch his boss as well?), it's the lack of respect, the desire to control etc.
And he'll be nice til he gets you back where he wants you.
And then he'll do it again.
I've been in an abusive relationship and am now in a lovely, mutually respectful and loving one. I can now see what a piece of shit my ex is- couldn't see it then, though.
I wouldn't go back if I were you. Punching you while you were holding the baby- no, please don't.

[ScarlettWalking]

Oh no - not after punching you in the face holding a tiny baby. No way.

Maybe a push in the heat of a row can be forgiven after therapy of some sort but that kind of violence in front of and endangering a child? What are you thinking of "getting close" to him again.

You will regret it if you do.

[fairycakesandsprinkles]

I just can't imagine ever being with anyone else or seeing him with someone else.
How do I get past this?

[Alambil]

Look into counselling and the women's aid Freedom programme.

[ScarlettWalking]

I also don't think you should be going to his house for visitation, he is working on your emotional resolve with the regular contact. Can you arrange for it to be in a centre?

[winnybella]

You will, if you don't let him pull you back.
How long ago did it happen?

[TheVisitor]

With help of friends and family. You've not been apart for long, it sounds like. Thing is, if you go back, you're not only putting yourself at risk, but your son too. He could miss you and punch the baby. Otherwise, your son may grow up thinking that women are punchbags. I agree about the Freedom programme.

[NoWayNoHow]

I remember your first thread, fairy, and I remember feeling so very sad for the situation you found yourself in. I also remember the advice given by almost every single poster - that it sounded like you were both better off apart.

I totally agree with the previous posters - you need to let your H have time with your son alone, and you need space away to decide what you want.

If it were me, I'm afraid that ANY violence would be a deal breaker, and that it would be a one-time thing i.e. if it can happen once, then it can happen again and I wouldn't want to take that chance.

If, like you say, you didn't really know each other before you married, and DC came along really quickly, is it not entirely possible that the man who hit you is the REAL him, and the remorseful man you see now is just someone desperate to get you back in his life and willing to say and do anything rather than actually change?

[EllieG]

No. It will happen again. All the research on dv says that generally it gets worse, (unless specific dv perp work done, sometimes that helps - nb anger management does NOT cut it).

Do not go back to someone who did that to you and your child. The research on the effects of that kind of dv on children is horrific. Am not trying to make you feel guilty, you are the victim, but please do not place your or your child in that position again. If it's safe for him to see his Dad (and frankly, I would say that is debatable) then he needs to see him without you, preferably supervised/mediated by third party.

Sorry to sound blunt. It's just I worked with women in these situations for about 5 years and have seen what it does to them and their children.

If you really want him back - don't listen to apologies. Ask him for a referral to a specific domestic abuse perpetrators programme (and get feedback), and make it a slow, slow process.

I know everyone hates them here - but you could do worse than calling social services for advice about support services and relevant dv programmes. Best of luck.

[PeterAndreForPM]

love, look up "co dependence" and get yourself a counsellor through "Women's Aid"

you do realise don't you, that Social Services take a very dim view of a woman who would prioritise a relationship with a domestic abuser over the safety of her child ?

that is what we are talking about here

let's not dress it up as "soulmates" or "I love him but...." shite

get some RL help to find out why you would endanger your own child for a man....just a man

[EllieG]

Sorry to bang on - but I should mention - effects of dv on babies are almost more severe than on older children as prolonged exposure (so not a one-off incident) to violence/abuse/situations where baby under extreme stress can affect brain development - so please be careful how he is around your boy.

[winnybella]

Oh, I see. Less than a month ago.

Tbh, he should be seeing his son alone. He's just playing on your guilt/unwillingness to break up the family/low self-esteem.

Btw it's not you who broke the family, but him. By punching the mother of his child in the face while she was holding him. It's HIS fault.

You need to work on your self-esteem. Don't be a doormat. It WILL happen again. Do you want your child to see his mother being punched, pushed, called names?
Is that how you want to spend next 10, 20 years? Do you think that's all you deserve?

3 months after leaving my abusive ex I met DP. He's so fucking lovely. We've been together for 4 years now and have DD. He has never raised his voice at me. Never called me a name.

You just don't know that it's possible to have a great guy who just loves and respects you.

He's just a wanker. Normal man, even in temper, would never, ever, punch his partner.

He will not change.

[boxingHelena]

Fairy I remember the night you left. Well done to you
I agree with others, do no meet him as yet, let him spend time with dc (somewhere you feel comfortable with)
If you don't you will not even know if he is using the child to only see you. His behaviour will be telling
And Fairy, it was not only the one punch was it?

[winnybella]

And obviously what PAFPM is saying re: exposing your child to DV.

I don't see how you can possibly go back to that waste of oxygen and feel that you're doing the right thing by your son.

Co-dependency-indeed.

[squeakytoy]

If this had been a long term relationship, and by that I mean a few years, which gives you a chance to really know a person, and the violence was a one off, with immediate contrition from the agressor, I would say it could possibly be worked on and the relationship continue.

However in the circumstances that you have been in OP, I would say no, there is no going back now. He crossed the worst line by hitting you as you were holding the baby. I dont think that can ever be forgiven.

[BertieBotts]

No, it can't, I'm sorry - honestly, for it to get to that point in the first place indicates a massive, massive lack of respect for you as a person. He says he loves you but if he did, he wouldn't have done it. You could say he lost control but could you imagine a situation where you were so angry that you would punch him in the face while holding your DD? And would he hit anybody else? His boss, perhaps? His mother? Or just you?

The remorse, proclamations of love and promises to change - especially things like doing anger management - this is all really really common behaviour after DV. Almost all men will react this way after you leave - it's far too early to tell yet if it's genuine (and sadly, it's very rare that it is.) Often it comes from a desperation to get you back - either because they like having sex on tap, cooking, cleaning etc done for them, or a fear of being on their own or that nobody else will ever love them, or a compulsion to prove that they still have control over you, possibly alongside one of these there will be a real feeling of love for you, but still it's lacking - love includes wanting to protect the person you love. It's about as far from hurting them as you can get. - But getting back to this, it's about wanting you back, not wanting to change. The reasons that led to the violence in the first place will still be there, and you'll always be on edge slightly, because you know now that he is capable of it.

There is a very very slight chance he is genuine and he has issues and he does genuinely want to change but even then, it won't happen in the short term. It takes years and years of therapy to change this kind of behaviour. And this depends on the person being open to it, genuinely wanting to change and accepting everything that they have done - which is very difficult for someone with anger problems to do.

The best thing you can do is move on with your life, keep contact only related to DD and do lots of reading, get some therapy for yourself, because there will be reasons that you attracted this/stayed in the relationship which you possibly aren't even aware of. Be kind to yourself :) And look after you and your DD. Take care.

[Curiousmama]

How long have you been apart? Agree it'd be best if you weren't the one handing over baby tbh. You can't have any closure the way it's going.

[fairycakesandsprinkles]

It has only been a month so yes I think it's far too early to even contemplate anything happening.
My friends are of the same opinion as you and don't think I should be taking DS round there at all, never mind going back to him.
I think I do need to put some more distance between us and work out if it's what I want or if it's just him telling me it's what I want.
I am going to tell him today that he can continue spending time with DS but it will be on his own and I need some more space because this is all happening far too quickly.
I would never endanger my son and Im sad that people think that I might . That is exactly why I moved out the same night he hurt me.
My son is my number one priority and if I think there is the tiniest chance he could witness something like that again then it's not happening.
It's just that I find it so hard to walk away from DH without a second glance.
I lost respect for him that night but I can't switch off my feelings completely, wish I could

[dignified]

Well done for moving out , it cant have been easy.

You said his aggressive behaviour escalated resulting in him punching you ,There was probably lots of verbal abuse before the aggresion started . Sadly abusers often do this once a baby comes along , they assume your trapped and wont leave .

Your ex doesnt have an anger management problem , he has an entitlement problem , same as all abusers , a deep rooted set of beleifs that are almost impossible to change .

I think its a case of actions , not words. Have you ever punched the people you love , or called them nasty names ?

[welshbyrd]

Abuse starts minor in the beginning, and gets progressively worse each time. The very fact the first time, was to physically punch you whilst your child was in your arms is alarming.

First time generally is a slap, shove etc. To punch you with you child in arms is a no go, to returning to the relationship

Abuse is control. 2 types,

1. controlling the person via abuse to do as the controller wants.
   
2. Is the very fact, the person can control themselves not to assault a boss, a annoying neighbour, argumentative member of family etc.So can manage their temper, however, chose not to with partner etc
   

He is doing the usual controllers trait, pop to the quacks to get help with anger management, which leads you to beleive he is trying to change etc. This Doctors visit is to regain his relationship, NOT because he realises he lost control

Never return to him please