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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Porn: Would you consider this as being unfaithful?

167 replies

BlueRuby · 08/03/2011 23:23

Apologises for the language in advance but I'm hugely fucked off and drinking wine.

Have had issues with DH's porn use before. I have tonight found out (he has admitted it) that he has been on a website where you pay woman to do sexual things on the web cam whilst he watches and wanks. basically he has been having internet sex with a fucking prostitute!!!

I am so fucking mad that I swear I'm going to smash something in a minute.

I think he has been unfaithful, he has had a sexual interaction with another woman. He doesn't see it like that.

OP posts:
itsohsoquiet · 08/03/2011 23:30

It's cheating in my books.

How did you find out about it?

Why would he keep it secret if he honestly thinks there's nothing wrong with it? He wouldn't

Thingumy · 08/03/2011 23:32

What does he see it as then?

I would be pissed off with the interaction and the money spent.

watching videos and having a wank is very different to paying money and telling a woman how many fingers to stick up her vagina.

I'm not surprised you are angry but try and stay calm,smashing things up wont change his actions sadly.

itsohsoquiet · 08/03/2011 23:37

It really doesn't matter whether he sees it as cheating or not.

You had already expressed to him that you were unhappy with him watching porn and then he goes and does that?

That says a lot about his respect for you sadly

ginnyjeans · 08/03/2011 23:40

Well, cheating or not - it's going to lead to something, eventually. You can't watch that stuff and be unaffected. I recently discovered that's what my stbxh was up to. While I thought he was watching 'music videos'. Sigh.

Original poster
BlueRuby · 08/03/2011 23:40

He has been behaving really weird, stay up really late. We had a big row tonight and I told him it was more than his life was worth to lie to me.

This is the 6th time he has done it and lied about it. though I thought he was looking at images. Not have webcam sex with prostitues.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueRuby · 08/03/2011 23:42

The only reason I am not screaming my head off at him is because the DC are asleep and I don't want to upset them.

OP posts:
itsohsoquiet · 08/03/2011 23:43

Has he apologised yet?

Or is he insisting he has done nothing wrong?

Themumsnot · 08/03/2011 23:44

I would call it cheating, absolutely I would.
Ask him if he would be happy for you to do the same. I suspect he would not.

Original poster
BlueRuby · 08/03/2011 23:45

oh yes he is quite upset about it and has apologized but is now downstairs on the couch very quietly.

OP posts:
ginnyjeans · 08/03/2011 23:46

Mine was interacting with women online. I found a whole load of stuff he hadn't deleted on an old laptop. My feeling is they fill their heads with that nonsense and at some point they are going to act on it. Bad enough to be looking at the porn etc as a hobby (I think, it's not my cup of tea) but the interacting with women (ie webcam) would worry me.

If I had found out while I had still been with him - I would have blown a fuse. As it was, I confronted him by text (and he apologised) but during an argument I did manage to scratch the word 'PORN' on his van bonnet. Hope his new g/friend saw it! ha ha.

ginnyjeans · 08/03/2011 23:47

oh - and I hadn't had wine! ha ha

Original poster
BlueRuby · 08/03/2011 23:48

hmm have a feeling that scratching the word twat face across the bonnet of his car would be good!!

OP posts:
BlessedAssurance · 08/03/2011 23:48

YES.

dittany · 08/03/2011 23:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hools · 09/03/2011 00:08

I'd be FURIOUS!!!

It would be major league discussion time in our house.

I'd liken it to saying 'if you really wear that pink tie, then it really upsets me'

It may not seem logical to him, but it upsets you - and as your husband he should appreciate that, and vice versa

If not, well, there would be some serious talking going on.. he's not taking your feelings into account and acting as a single man - not acceptable :(

JessicaDrew · 09/03/2011 08:02

MMMMMM yes its naughty and waste of your joint money, but if you sent him to the fertility clinic for a semen test, they would give him some adult material to stimulate him so, what's the difference?
Maybe during your chat you could find out what he is asking girls to do, and if you are happy to do that sort of thing for him, keep his interest at home.
just a few alternative thoughts

boxingHelena · 09/03/2011 09:00

"keep his interest at home" Shock

Original poster
BlueRuby · 09/03/2011 10:19

Ah I see Jessica, so it's my fault!

OP posts:
candleshoe · 09/03/2011 10:22

I would be livid and very hurt - and it would finish our marriage!

JessicaDrew · 09/03/2011 10:29

no Ruby didn't mean it like that
just meant he hasn't actually touched another woman!
20 years ago it would be a top shelf video
things have moved on with the internet!

squeakytoy · 09/03/2011 10:33

Jessica, the difference is, there is a webcam, and a woman watching him, and talking to him. Its cyber sex, and its nasty.

Say if a group of men went to a lapdancing club, and watched a dancer, that is one thing, and I wouldnt bother if my husband did that on a stag do, but if he had paid for a private dance, then that would be taking it too far.

So with the Op, if he had been watching a film, and having a wank to that, there is no interaction between him and the person on screen. Actually watching a live woman performing sex acts specifically for him, and her watching him too, is a breach of fidelity in my opinion.

JessicaDrew · 09/03/2011 10:35

fair do's i stand corrected

LostInTransmogrification · 09/03/2011 10:36

Jessica, it isn't the same as using a mag for a semen test at all. If you can't see that then you cannot understand where the op is coming from. He already knows of her dislike of porn and has decided to do this without her knowledge. It is a short step away from going to a prostitute IMO. If he wanted to spice things up he should have spoken to the op, but he has not done this, he obviously gets off on the thrill of going behind her back with a live woman ( not a porn mag )

LostInTransmogrification · 09/03/2011 10:38

Xposted with squeaky, sorry if it looks like we all piled onto you at once Jessica!

LadyOfTheManor · 09/03/2011 10:41

I think the interaction aspect of this is the bit that is upsetting BlueRuby.

He is interacting and speaking and having an interactive sexual relationship.

I would class this as cheating. Adultery is as bad with the mind as with the actions in my book. But the fact he has gone that extra mile "with the actions", I would be livid.