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Original poster

Porn: Would you consider this as being unfaithful?

167 replies

BlueRuby · 08/03/2011 23:23

Apologises for the language in advance but I'm hugely fucked off and drinking wine.

Have had issues with DH's porn use before. I have tonight found out (he has admitted it) that he has been on a website where you pay woman to do sexual things on the web cam whilst he watches and wanks. basically he has been having internet sex with a fucking prostitute!!!

I am so fucking mad that I swear I'm going to smash something in a minute.

I think he has been unfaithful, he has had a sexual interaction with another woman. He doesn't see it like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueRuby · 09/03/2011 10:42

The others have explained it well. I feel like he has cheated on me. I actually feel ill today and can't stop crying.

OP posts:
CheerfulMe · 09/03/2011 10:45

Yes, in my opinion it is cheating, and I would end any relationship or marriage if I discovered this had been going on. I'm not surprised you're fucking furious.

MamaLazarou · 09/03/2011 10:49

Sorry to hear this. It's not strictly cheating IMO, but definitely not the same as looking at porn. I would be hugely hurt if my husband did this. I hope you manage to sort things out.

squeakytoy · 09/03/2011 10:54

I would be absolutely furious too Ruby, but I think I could eventually forgive it, more than if he had physically been with another woman. It is the very closest step to cheating, and its not on at all.

Doha · 09/03/2011 10:56

Sorry BlueRuby that's cheating in my book too.

Don't think l could get past that especially as he knew how you felt about it and he has done something similar 5 times in the past.

How is he reacting today?

Original poster
BlueRuby · 09/03/2011 11:00

To be fair he is actually quite upset and excepting of just how wrong it was. I don't think I can get past this though, I'm going to ask him to leave for a few days, I need some time without him here.

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Doha · 09/03/2011 11:26

Or is he just upset that he has been caught? As you say he has done something similar previously and must have known your feelings on Porn etc.

Asking him to leave for a few days is probably a good idea this will let you get your head straightened out. Only you can decide if you can get past this or not.

Do you have any DC's

CheerfulMe · 09/03/2011 11:27

I think that's a reasonable decision, because whatever you decide to do ultimately, you need some space to consider things without him around.
The 5 times thing would topple it for me. But only you know how things are between you and what balance of good and bad there is in the relationship. Some could get past this, others categorically couldn't. I'm in the latter camp myself, but there's support for you here whichever you decide :)
Be kind to yourself. It must have been a nasty shock. x

Original poster
BlueRuby · 09/03/2011 11:47

It is a shock, i feel very shaken with that horrible sickly feeling in my stomach.

We do have children, They are going to be devastated if we split up.

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squeakytoy · 09/03/2011 11:57

It is bound to be a massive shock.

Dont rush into making a decision about it today though. Wait until you have calmed down a bit more and you can deal with it without understandably wanting to go ballistic at him.

If he goes away for a couple of days to give you some breathing space, then tell the kids he is on a business trip. They dont need to know any of this until and if you do decide its the end of the road.

As Cheerful has said, its the fact that this isnt the first time, that would be the final straw for me.

Hassled · 09/03/2011 12:01

It's cheating as far as I'm concerned.
And even if you don't see it as cheating, it's collusion in the objectification of women. He was treating that prostitute like a bit of meat - and I'm damned sure being wank-fodder wasn't how she envisaged her life turning out.

cyrilsneer · 09/03/2011 12:44

Would you consider going to Relate together?

I think this is such a common problem - they will have dealt with it before...

If he can understand how very, very hurt, betrayed and angry you feel but you can understand that he wants to have some material for the odd wank then perhaps you can both agree what the boundaries are?

It'll be different in every house, of course, but perhaps, say, he can look at porn online but not pay for it and not have any live interaction - including sex chat lines.

Could he live with that?

carmenelectra · 09/03/2011 13:14

I would be beyond livid!!

Interacting with women via webcam is totally and utterly diffferent from viewing porn on TV, internet or mags.

Having a wank over pictures or images on a screen is not cheating, although I do get that some women still don't like this. From a personal POV it would be fine.

Paying for a real life woman to turn him on is a form of cheating in my book.

I agree with squeakytoy its a bit like going to a lapdancing club and then crossing the line to a private dance.

Blueruby, If it were me I would be worried as I think the next step at some point would be going for the real thing.

carmenelectra · 09/03/2011 13:16

Oh and what a bizarre post from jessicadrew about the fertilty clinic.

Do they have a sexy little nurse doing a turn there these days or summat?!

Original poster
BlueRuby · 09/03/2011 13:42

I would be willing to go to relate but I will never tolerate porn. I don't mind him having 10 wanks a day if he wants but I see porn as nothing more than the abuse and objectification of woman. He knows how I feel about it, he knew that when we first got together. I am not a prude, we have regular and varried sex. We are definitely not a once a month with the lights off couple.

I am just thinking that maybe I will go away for the weekend and he can stay and watch the kids. Why should he get to have a few days in a hotel whilst I'm stuck here trying to hold it all together.

Also he has spent 100's of £ on these sites. He us always saying we need to economise but why should he get to spend all our money on such selfish behaviour. I'm going shopping on Saturday and I'm going to spend the same amount on stuff for the kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueRuby · 09/03/2011 13:44

Excuse me while I swear.

Fucking piece of shit twat bag.

Have to be calm because the dc are around. I wish I could rip his head off

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 09/03/2011 13:50

Spend the money on YOU. Let him see how selfish that can be. (buy the kids something too!)

JessicaDrew · 09/03/2011 13:51

take the laptop with you too!

nurseblade · 09/03/2011 13:56

The spending money on it would be the deal breaker for me. There is plenty of free porn on the internet, no need to waste money on it.

Original poster
BlueRuby · 09/03/2011 13:57

Yeah I will! I'm going to get my hair done, by some new clothes and the spend the weekend lounging in a hotel room. And will laptop so I can mn!

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueRuby · 09/03/2011 14:00

He is also sleeping on the couch for the foreseeable future. He snores anyway so I'll tell dc that's the reason.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueRuby · 09/03/2011 14:02

Fuck it, I've wanted an iPhone for ages, I'm going to order one.

OP posts:
stillfrazzled · 09/03/2011 14:03

You economise while he spends a small fortune on wank fodder?

Even if it wasn't counted as cheating - and FWIW I would - he's still being an utterly selfish tosser.

Definitely go away for a few days, and definitely have a bit of a spree. But treat yourself, too.

Don't know if I could regain any respect for DH after this. Hope you can work it out in the way that's best for you and the DC.

stillfrazzled · 09/03/2011 14:04

Sorry, x-posted with many. But good to see we all agree!

SmashingNarcissistsMirrors · 09/03/2011 14:04

i don't see it as classic cheating in the same way seeing a prostitute wouldn't be classic cheating. i would say it's totally unacceptable in a committed relationship however.

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