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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Porn: Would you consider this as being unfaithful?

167 replies

BlueRuby · 08/03/2011 23:23

Apologises for the language in advance but I'm hugely fucked off and drinking wine.

Have had issues with DH's porn use before. I have tonight found out (he has admitted it) that he has been on a website where you pay woman to do sexual things on the web cam whilst he watches and wanks. basically he has been having internet sex with a fucking prostitute!!!

I am so fucking mad that I swear I'm going to smash something in a minute.

I think he has been unfaithful, he has had a sexual interaction with another woman. He doesn't see it like that.

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 09/03/2011 21:38

sweetie, have one brandy and then stop

medicalmayhem · 09/03/2011 21:39

yes great post peter wise advice, good luck OP.

Original poster
BlueRuby · 09/03/2011 21:45

Ok, I will do that. Just let things calm down a bit.

He will be going though.

You know I'm really upset but I can feel strength building inside me and that feels good. In the past I have thought there is no way I could separate from him but something has changed. It will break my heart but I am a strong woman and I will get through this.

One brandy, then some sleep I think, been a long day

Thank you xx

OP posts:
Mouseface · 09/03/2011 21:48

Peter is spot on Blue

I am so sorry too, for whst it's worth xx

Original poster
BlueRuby · 09/03/2011 21:49

Ive just been reading about EA on the WA site and u think his constant lying comes under that

Going to call my sister tomorrow, she is the least judgemental person every and very easy to speak to. I don't usually tell her stuff because she is my younger sister and I feel like she us still a litte girl even though she is 30!

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 09/03/2011 21:50

good girl x

Grab hold of that strength, and make your plans.

Speak to someone you know and trust tomorrow, and tell them everything. You will feel a weight lifting from your shoulders.

Remember this: you are worth more. If you finish this, don't do it in anger.

Do it because you have thought about it coldly and dispassionately...and because you have decided you don't deserve this not just because you are hurting so badly right now.

Post again tomorrow, and tell us how you are doing x

PeterAndreForPM · 09/03/2011 21:54

oh yes, speak to your sister

I have a younger sister too, and although I am supposedly the big grown-up one, in a crisis I wouldn't waste a heartbeat in asking for her support

I bet you have been there for her, in the past

btw, sexual and emotional abuse often go hand in hand

by wearing down your emotional defences, it is more likely you will try to minimise awful behaviours

it isn't your fault

Mouseface · 09/03/2011 22:02

Yes Blue - cool, calm and collected before you act.

If you feel the same after talking about this in RL with someone who knows you both, then do what you have to.

You will always know your own mind/instincts better than any of us. x

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 10/03/2011 00:54

Best of luck with telling him to leave tomorrow, PA and co are right about how you should get some emotional support for yourself because it will hurt: you thought he was someone he was not and the loss of that dream will be painful.
But at the same time it will be a relief. I get the impression (and of course I may be wrong) that he has demonstrated his profound selfishness in other ways over the years and you have tried to accept or gloss over it because, after all, that's what women are supposed to do (excuse men's bad behaviour, placate them, indulge them, whether the bad behaviour is sex-related or a matter of the man not pulling his weight round the house or insisting that his hobbies take priority over any family use of leisure time) because the alternative is being single.

Original poster
BlueRuby · 10/03/2011 09:41

I 100% know that this is the right thing to do.

So why do I feel so sick? Sad

OP posts:
StreetWiseHotMum · 10/03/2011 09:52

Its perfectly natural to feel like that...its a big step.

Original poster
BlueRuby · 10/03/2011 09:53

I still love him though Sad

OP posts:
StreetWiseHotMum · 10/03/2011 09:59

The decision is obviously yours and yours alone, what others think is irrelevant.

Can you see a way where it can work ?

hairylights · 10/03/2011 10:06

The fact that you still love him is not a good enough reason to stay with him. Sorry if that is harsh, but it's true, let me tell you from experience. It doesn't get better, it gets worse, especially if you set down boundaries and then repeatedly allow them to be broken.

He is really disrespecting your boundaries. You can do an awful lot better.

StreetWiseHotMum · 10/03/2011 10:21

Who knows Hairy. Some people do have a tipping point and its impossible for us to say that this isn't his. Realising he was a gnats cock away from losing everything might, and only might, put a stop to it. The question for BlueRuby is if this was the last ever time it happened, would that be enough for her or is the damage too deep ?

I don't see how any of us can answer that.

Original poster
BlueRuby · 10/03/2011 14:17

Hi mother just phoned and happened to catch me at a bad moment.

I told her! I practically shouted down the phone at her! Not my finest moment

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueRuby · 10/03/2011 14:20

That should be his mother

OP posts:
StreetWiseHotMum · 10/03/2011 14:39

Well, might be a good thing

medicalmayhem · 10/03/2011 15:14

And what was her reaction?

theredhen · 10/03/2011 15:29

When you feel low just remember that you are grieving for what you wanted the relationship to be, not what it was.

If this is the sixth time it has happened, it will happen again.

I'm fairly open minded when it comes to porn but web cam stuff is a big no no for me.

What did his Mum say?

gettingeasier · 10/03/2011 16:18

What springchicken said . I was part of the placate brigade, got dumped and its had low points but being single is ok and loads better than being taken for a doormat

paulwellerfan · 10/03/2011 17:56

I also have found that my stbxh has been into porn- probably for years as far as i know- what disgusts me the most is that as he couldnt use his works laptop he took the filters off my kids laptop and failed to replace them- Also he failed to delete the history- so he left their computer ( they are 7 and 9) full of hardcore porn. When i found it i hit the roof and as I explained in an earlier thread, the marriage is now very much over.
In my opinion, Blueruby, I would feel horrified- it is a horrible, disrespectful thing to do to a marriage- as a counsellor said to me this week- his behaviour has contaminated the family home- that is how it has felt to me- that something that i am very opposed to has been brought into my home and could have potentially been seen by my young children.
I completely understand how you feel- this secretive use of internet sex can be so destructive and damaging to a relationship- to me it has just confirmed that my marriage is over for good.
It certainly sounds as if our experiences are very similar and we are going through the split at the same time.
I wish you all the best.xx

majorydoors · 10/03/2011 17:57

No but secrecy is a problem

PeterAndreForPM · 10/03/2011 18:07

blue...you ok ?

I just got in from work, and went straight to your thread

paulwellerfan · 10/03/2011 18:52

I have just re read this thread and cannot believe how similar our experience has been- for me, over the years my stbxh has showed a lack of respect to me and the children, a lack of warmth, humility, remorse- infact any emotion apart from anger and aggression- so it now makes alot of sense to me- his watching hardcore porn in our home and on the kids computer shows his lack of self control, self respect, humility and ability to relate in a healthy relationship.
Can you look back over the years and see the same as me Blueruby? Is this like a piece of a jigsaw that makes other aspects of your homelife make sense? Dont know- but that is how it is for me- and i am gutted that i have put up with these things over the years and this is the thanks i get-

I really feel for you and please keep in touch- we could be a really good support for each other.