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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Porn: Would you consider this as being unfaithful?

167 replies

BlueRuby · 08/03/2011 23:23

Apologises for the language in advance but I'm hugely fucked off and drinking wine.

Have had issues with DH's porn use before. I have tonight found out (he has admitted it) that he has been on a website where you pay woman to do sexual things on the web cam whilst he watches and wanks. basically he has been having internet sex with a fucking prostitute!!!

I am so fucking mad that I swear I'm going to smash something in a minute.

I think he has been unfaithful, he has had a sexual interaction with another woman. He doesn't see it like that.

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 09/03/2011 19:47

How will "biding your time" help ?

Seriously

It won't change what he has done

All that will happen is your feelings of hurt will fade. Then when the dust settles, he will ramp it up again because there will have been no consequences (like the last 5 times he did it)

Except, he will escalate it...because that is the pattern he is following

I cannot understand why women, children or no children, live with skanks like this Confused

love, if you let him stay, I think your only option is to arrange some extra marital jollies of your own and always use barrier protection < sigh >

hairylights · 09/03/2011 19:48

I agree with Peter

I really, really fail to see any reason to stay with him, and you do know he will do this again and again, don't you?

Mouseface · 09/03/2011 19:49

Peter - I'm with you.

Original poster
BlueRuby · 09/03/2011 20:02

Peter I may just do that!

I don't know what to do. I just need to make a decision with a clear head which means giving myself time to calm down.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueRuby · 09/03/2011 20:05

You know you are so right about the no concequences (sp?) I know I have to tell him to leave.

OP posts:
Mouseface · 09/03/2011 20:06

Okay, I have to say this.

He paid to watch women doing/saying sexual things to themselves and him.

He told you to watch what you spend to fund this.

He used joint money, your money.

He has no respect for you, does not value the relationship with you or his children because as it stands, he is chancing losing you all.

CheerfulMe · 09/03/2011 20:07

Listen - if you tell him to leave, you can change your mind. It doesn't have to be the end of everything, just a way to get some breathing space. Whether you tell him that is another matter, but however you phrase it, get him out your hair for a while. You may WELL find that once you have some time to reflect on this, clarity is yours.
Good luck.

medicalmayhem · 09/03/2011 20:14

It would be a deal breaker for me, and IMO the only thing these men are remorseful about is getting caught, if they thought they could do this sort of thing and never be caught they would happily carry on forever! sorry to hear you are going through this OP

Original poster
BlueRuby · 09/03/2011 20:18

Mouseface, everything you just said is true. It hurts to hear it but I can't disagree with you.

Cheerful, you are very right.

I have spent the day looking into benefits and stuff so have it all sorted in my mind. I know i can manage on my own.

I'm just scared, and embarrassed.

OP posts:
Doha · 09/03/2011 20:24

Where is he now BlueRay?
Don't be embaressed. Hold your head up high. you have done nothing wrong here. He on the other hanad should be on his knees hnaging his head in shame.

Chin up tits out--- as they say

okay have another one Wine but l am counting.

CheerfulMe · 09/03/2011 20:25

Love, you have NO reason to be embarrassed, not at all. You had faith in him, and hoped things could be better. That he was a nicer person. There's nothing wrong with that. This is NOT YOUR FAULT, his behaviour is his choice. As for being scared, I can understand that, but honestly you'll find it much better than you are expecting, it's the unknown that is scary. x

medicalmayhem · 09/03/2011 20:25

blueruby have not long come out the otherside of a separation with exh, with his porn use being a big factor in my decision, there are benefits out there for single parents, you can get by, (unless you have enormous debts) i found a website called turn2us very helpful and impartial, they will beable to trell you exactly what you maybe entitled to, and how to go about it.

PeterAndreForPM · 09/03/2011 20:25

why are you embarassed ?

he has done the embarassing skanking

you haven't done anything wrong, other than give him chances to put it right, and not repeat the behaviours that you have clearly said hurt you

the fact he has thrown those chances down the toilet (or wanked them into a tissue) is not your doing, it is his

you have nothing to feel bad about, I promise you x

medicalmayhem · 09/03/2011 20:26

meant to say "i have"

Original poster
BlueRuby · 09/03/2011 20:46

I know I shouldn't be embarrassed but I really believed for years that he was a good man. I've made excuses for his behaviour to others and myself. Im not stupid and yet I've been completely taken in by him. I thought I'd got my self a decent husband and I'm only now seeing he is a complete shit.

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 09/03/2011 20:51

it doesn't matter

you wanted to believe he would act decently

who wouldn't expect the husband that loves them to act decently ?

it wasn't an unreasonable assumption to make

but you do have to draw a line in the sand, love

or live like this for the rest of your life

not an attractive prospect Sad

squeakytoy · 09/03/2011 20:51

You have no reason at all to be embarassed.

PeterAndreForPM · 09/03/2011 20:52

we have all made excuses for others maltreament of us

it is a human trait

but you don't have to carry on doing it

PeterAndreForPM · 09/03/2011 20:52

maltreatment

Original poster
BlueRuby · 09/03/2011 21:02

You know at the end of the day I have no choice do I.

There is no way I can live with him now. I feel hurt to the very core. My marriage is dead, there is nothing left to salvage

OP posts:
medicalmayhem · 09/03/2011 21:12

i can so relate to making excuses for your husband, and i also used to try to play down things or even cover them up because i felt so embarrassed, but all i did was help to enable his unsavory behaviour, this is not your shame to bear it is his

PeterAndreForPM · 09/03/2011 21:16

I am so, so sorry x

He has driven you to this point, by his disrespect of you

this is not your problem, it is his

where is he now ?

Original poster
BlueRuby · 09/03/2011 21:29

He is in the front room watching tv. I'm in the back room. I can't even look at him at the moment.

I'm going to go and speak to him in a bit and tell him he has to leave. Just need to wait til the dc are properly asleep. Can still hear dd crashing about in his room.

I am so sad Sad feel strangely calm too though.

I am in a very fortunate position because the house is all in my name. So at least I don't have to worry about that.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueRuby · 09/03/2011 21:30

Going to go and open the bottle of brandy I've been saving.

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 09/03/2011 21:37

I am very, very pleased that you are in a position to ask him to leave and are not dependent on him for a roof over your head.

Just one thing, though.

Leave it until tomorrow, at least.

Far be it from me to think that Mumsnet has the power to make people end their relationships, but those kinds of accusations have been flying around for the last few days.

Speak to friends or family before you do anything irrevocable.

I know what I would do. But you are you.

You have been reassured that you don't have to tolerate this disrespect of you.

That realisation is power

Now break the secrecy, stop protecting him, and reach out in RL.

Take some time to get balanced reactions from people who know and love you (sifting out the people with an agenda who think this is harmless behaviour, because it isn't, often from women who overlook it in their own relationships)

but you are going to need support if you end it, and you need to get that in place, or you will cave again, when he steps up the emotional blackmail

because you know he will do that, and your defences will have to be strong

ok ?